172 Unworthy Feelings

"Please kill me now..." Of course that this had to be the ending to his day. Nothing was going to go his way for more than two days.

"...Do you want me to stay here?" It was clear to Fujimaru that he absolutely didn't want to see Jeanne. For what reason, he did not know.

"Please don't. I don't trust myself not to burn this place down if my mood gets any worse than this." A shake of his head was all it took to convince the youth. Still, he wanted to leave a few words behind.

"All right. Good luck. Also... please be patient with her. I don't know Jeanne that much, but I am sure she has the best of intentions." He hoped that would be enough to convince him not to do anything reckless.

"I am not going to start giving you a lesson on how good intentions aren't enough to keep things going, so you can leave with peace of mind." Seth waved his hand dismissively, indicating Fujimaru that it was time for him to go.

"Okay, okay. I will be seeing you. And by the way, thanks for telling me of those incidents, as painful as doing so might have been." He said with a pained smile. The Japanese Master was no strange to loss, after all.

"No worries, kiddo. Thanks for listening as well. I am sure Cu Chulainn is tired of hearing my old man's ramblings, so speaking to someone else is not that bad. Just remember, if you ever need to talk about your troubles with all these new experiences that you are living, I am here." Seth returned his smile with a joking one, yet it still conveyed his sincerity.

"Yes..." He answered with a complicated tone in his voice before cheering himself up with a smile. "I hope it is not as a psychologist, though. I have my problems opening up to those."

"Don't worry. At this point I am like your caretaker or something, so let's go with that." The Egyptian God drily chuckled, causing Fujimaru to the same. What he said might not have been very far from the truth.

Ritsuka then exited the room. When he opened the door, he was met with Jeanne. He gave her a small nod of greeting and then proceeded to walk away. As he retreated, he had the feeling he forgot something, though...

Ruler watched Fujimaru walking away before looking once again at the room. Breathing in and out, she walked inside, although with her gaze downward. She wasn't even trying to look at him. More like she couldn't.

Wordlessly, she sat down where the other Master had done so all the while avoiding eye contact of any kind.

Silence permeated the room.

Ruler didn't know how to begin and Seth just didn't want to say anything. He still found it annoying that she was wasting his time, though. If she wanted to come, she should have done so knowing that she couldn't stay silent for long. Otherwise, what was even the point?

To cope with the boredom, he decided to write a profile about his Servant since he was technically on working hours right now. The swift stroke of his pen was enough to detail his thoughts on Jeanne. Among those, low self-confidence, too uptight, fixated on stupid things, and a pain in the ass were the ones that stood out.

Time passed and the only sound that echoed in the room was that of a pen meeting paper and the occasional flip of a page. It certainly didn't help to ease her worries.

Seeing as her Master didn't plan to start the conversation, Jeanne knew that it was up to her. Still... It was easier said than done. Where could she start? What could she say? She didn't know. Everything was so new and hard, leaving her no way to react. Her talk with Saint Martha helped, but it was ultimately she herself the one who had to make the big decisions.

"Umm... Hello." As soon as those words escaped her mouth, she felt the need to hit her head in frustration. Was that the only thing she could come up with?!

Seth didn't answer to Ruler's greeting. He merely stopped his actions while raising his head from his notebook to look at her, which only made it more awkward for the Saint. She was still looking at the floor, and yet, she could feel him watching her all the same.

"I would like this to be over before tomorrow, so please continue." There he was, his answer. It hurt. Why? It hurt, but she did not know the reason for that. Wrong. She knew; she knew but didn't want to accept it. if before he treated her neutrally like a Master would do to a Servant, now he was speaking at her like she was a stranger.

"...I don't know where to start." It was the truth. Jeanne didn't know what to say, and couldn't even look at him in the eye for the matter. It was all so conflicting that she just wanted to scream in defeat, something that she would never usually do.

"Why don't you start by facing me instead of counting how many tiles the floor has?" His voice seemed to carry a sense of power, forcing her to go along with his suggestion. He quickly noticed the redness under her eyes, possibly thanks to crying so much. He wished he could groan right now, extremely so. Her disheveled hair was something he had been aware of since she entered the room, so there was no need to comment on that.

For her part, Jeanne gasped frozen in shock. 'Oh, right. Fujimaru had a similar reaction. If this becomes the norm I swear I am going to make Da Vinci's mechanical bird explode while it is perched on her... his shoulders.'

"Now, tell me the first thing that comes to your mind," Seth spoke after snapping fingers in front of her face to get her attention. He could do without all the gaping.

The Saint shook her head to come to reality, although she found her gaze meeting the floor again. She thought for a few moments on how to word what she wanted to say before finally deciding on something, raising her head to meet his eyes again. "I feel... conflicted."

"About what?" He asked even though he knew the answer already, but for formality's sake, he asked anyway.

"How should I say this... I did not expect you to be... him. I like to consider myself a devout believer, so the fact that I formed a contract with 'the' major enemy is..." She didn't want nor said that name, yet Seth still understood who she was referring to.

"I am not. Your so-called God based him on me and Apophis to scare little children. Satan is a fictional existence as far as I know." At least in his world. Here what he said might as well have been a lie.

"What... Why would he do that?" Jeanne was incapable of comprehending his words. It was as if they were speaking about a completely different person.

"Many reasons. He was angry at me for something I did, and he also needed to gather believers for his abstract faith. What better way to do it than through fear? By using an existence that represented evil and that would make your soul suffer, everyone would try to be good. That was his thinking, or at least I believe it to be so." He said while bringing a cigarette to his mouth and shaking his head. Another reason why Baal hated him to the core.

"No... No! Lies! He wouldn't... he wouldn't do that..." Jeanne shook her head repeatedly. Now more than ever she believed they were speaking about a different person.

"Whatever lets you sleep at night. Now then, what other concerns do you have?" Knowing that it would be like talking to a donkey if he were to continue on with this topic, he chose to switch to the next one.

Jeanne opened her mouth to say something concerning his complete disregard of what she said but just sighed in the end with a bit of resignation.

"It is important to me. I know we are in different positions, but wouldn't you feel bad if your worshippers suddenly started kneeling before another God?" To her, there didn't exist something worse than that for their kind.

"My worshippers are all dead, Jeanne." His deadpan expression caused a wave of guilt to assault Jeanne immediately after he finished speaking.

"A-Ah I see. My apologies." It seemed she did something she did not want to do again. Ruler decided to be more careful and think things through before voicing them from now on.

"I know you have Yahweh on a high pedestal, even though he murdered or sent to kill numerous people when they didn't prostrate before him, so I am not going to comment on your fanatism. Just be happy knowing that I am evil, yes, but not a horned guy that dances around a bonfire under the ground." Someone had to put a stop to all of this association thing once and for all.

"H-how do I know that you are telling the truth?" She wished she hadn't stammered when asking, but she still wanted to know.

"Do you believe you are so important that I would want to lie to you to preserve my image?" Seth answered her question with a question of his own.

Jeanne had no answer to that. Yet, the pang on her heart was enough to let her know that it hurt. She unconsciously moved a hand to her chest, her eyes were almost closed and her lips pursed.

Seth noticed and had no other reaction than sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Moving on, with one of your doubts resolved, what more did you want to talk about?"

The Saint of Orleans didn't respond for a few minutes. Words failed to escape her mouth. She felt if she spoke, she would cry, and she didn't want that anymore. She waited a bit more until the pain was not as unbearable as before, yet it was still there.

"I... I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. This feeling..." Ruler finally said, a little unsure about her own words.

"Just tell me what you feel. What happens when you feel that way. When that happens, and so on..." Seth, for his part, patiently explained to her the procedure. Nothing good would come from rushing this. Not for her, and certainly not for him either.

Ruler clenched her fists above her thighs. How should she say it? It now felt like it was meaningless, that her words wouldn't reach him. At first, she, more than anything, wanted to give him back his smile, the one he had when he was a kid. Yet now... now that he is smiling more often, that he is opening up... Although not as innocent as she would have liked, it still was something to be glad... to be happy about. However, when she sees that those smiles are not directed at her, when she notices that the one he is opening up to is not her... she can't stand it.

She was illiterate, but not stupid. She knew that it was wrong for her to feel that way. But even so... she couldn't help it. She wanted to be the one on the receiving end... was it selfish from her...? Not to mention that he was already married, and intrude on that sacred vow would be nothing short of shameful. In the end, all that was left for her was to lament.

Maybe it was her own inexperience in dealing with things like these that led her to a path her 'normal self' would frown upon.

"When I... when I am near you I get this feeling of relaxation... It helps calm me down when I am worried, and always makes me look forward to your company. I constantly want to make you proud too. However... when you treat me like I am a stranger, I feel a deep pain in my chest and it gets really hard to breathe. I don't know what is happening to me..." The truth is, she had some idea, but it was so ridiculous that she totally ruled it out.

"Right..." His face became a bit strange at her words. He expected it, so he was not shocked at all. Still, it was sure something that would bring problems in the future in case it gets not addressed well. If worse came to worst, he would unhesitantly kill her to prevent a scenario where there was true infighting.

Seth nodded and tapped his notebook several times while lost in his thoughts. He eventually stopped his motion and looked at Jeanne straight in her eyes. "Well... reviewing what you have told me, and my own observations. I believe I have found what is wrong with you; as well as the way to solve it."

"I-Is that true?! T-Then... can you tell me?" She suddenly exclaimed while slapping the table and leaning forward. Seth raised an eyebrow at her actions, causing her to cough in embarrassment and return to her seat.

"Yes, of course. It is my job, after all." The Egyptian God responded matter-of-factly. Once he saw her nodding, he began his diagnosis.

"Let us see... You have a meddlesome condition called a crush. On me, sadly. You are showing signs of an unhealthy obsession with me as well, something that it may lead to you going out of your way to push every female I interact with away from me, or even going as far as to harm them. What else... Oh, right. With me being an Evil, Pagan, Heretic — whatever you want to call me — God, your faith in that old geezer is wavering. That which has accompanied you through the hardest moment of your life and has pushed you forward is now killing you little by little like some kind of toxin."

To the widening eyes of Jeanne, Seth raised three fingers. "Now then, to solve this you have three options. The first, simply forget about me, Chaldea, and everything else and return to the Throne. Second, you pretend as if nothing ever happened and put Humanity's mission as your top priority, not focusing on anything else. Third, you abandon your faith and start anew. This might be the hardest one." 'And the one that would make me lose any respect I had for you... if I ever had one, to begin with.'

"Isn't... Isn't there a fourth option?" She hoped—no... She WANTED for another one to exist. After all, those three sounded like something absolutely terrible that she would never desire to do.

"Now that you mention it... There is a fourth one, yes. However, it would not be what you seek—nor what you would want. I know that you can figure out what that option is." Seth gave a positive response to her query, albeit not one she would have liked to hear.

She did not respond for a few moments. Her mouth opened and closed repeatedly, yet she could not bring herself to say anything. In the end, she could only ask her Master if it was okay for her to think things a bit more before giving him her answer.

"I... Can I think about it... and maybe answer another day...?" It was honestly too much for him to expect an instant response with something that affected her a lot.

"Sure. You can come again at any time. Just make sure to book an appointment with Da Vinci first. The more you bother her, the better." Seth accepted easily, something that surprised her, but nevertheless was thankful for.

"Thanks... and sorry to bother you." With that said, Ruler stood up and went to exit the room.

"Hey, Jeanne." Before she could go out, however, Seth called her from behind, causing her to turn around with a little surprise on her face.

"Don't try to change for me. You are who you are, and trying to be someone else will only lead up to your ruin. This is the only advice I can give you not as a Master, nor as a psychologist, but as a simple 'person'."

The Saint lowered her gaze to the floor for a second before sighing and looking at him again. "Thank you once again. I will keep that in mind."

With nothing more to say, she left to reflect on her decision.

Left alone, Seth stretched his muscles, causing audible pops throughout his body. 'It's my first day at work and I already want to quit. Still, it went better than I expected. I think I deserve a good night of rest after this.'

"Papa, move your ass and come to the Command Room! I want to see the other me already!" Stheno's voice resounded outside as soon as he finished his train of thought.

"Oh for the love of—"