110 A Certain God's Thoughts

When was it? I certainly can't remember. But it started in a similar way to how I got here, wasn't it? I had just finished one of those seemingly endless reincarnations when the dog told me I wouldn't be reincarnating yet, and that I had a task to do.

It turns out they wanted me to teach a snotty brat how to triumph in combat. Laughable. When was I one to even teach others? Much less little boys with an ego as high as the clouds.

I had left my life with the woman I loved behind. I murdered the people closest to me. I even massacred the Gods in a blind rage fueled by "that" side of me. The only thing I wanted was to completely die and return to the place where every God comes from, that was all.

As for returning with Amaterasu? Impossible. I left without saying a single word, not even a goodbye. Speaking crudely, I just ran away. Looking back at it, I was very dumb, wasn't I? I blindly believed someone just because of her wisdom and look at what I got. Countless lives of misery with no way out. However, I must say that I am not entirely out of blame. If I hadn't killed that many of my kind, maybe this wouldn't have happened.

But that is not the reason why I couldn't—Why I didn't want to return to her side again. I was scared of her, or more precisely, of her reaction. Those beautiful eyes of hers, what I feared the most, was seeing them filled with disappointment, with sadness, with betrayal, with rage. That would hurt more than her stabbing my heart with one of her tails.

Now that I think about it, she would do just that, wouldn't she? Honestly, she sometimes acted so much like a bitch that I looked like a saint in comparison. But...she was perfect like that. The fact that she was independent, and did whatever she wanted, gave her a certain charm. Besides, it was not like I was easy to handle, either. I must have caused a lot of problems for her.

Even so, it seemed that in the end, I screwed up big time. If I had known after everything that happened, you still loved me; I would have returned to you. Maybe then I would have made you satisfied, I would have made you happy.

It is so...frustrating. I wished for your happiness the most, but instead, I just made you wait for a stupid man that didn't even deserve to be by your side. A terrible partner that when he knew you still loved him, besides the pain, there was also joy in his heart.

To the "me" that didn't know of that simple reality, it was a different story, though. My version of that time thought nothing of it and didn't have the slightest desire to help. Even though that ritual was taking everything away from me, be it Authority, Divinity, or also...memories, I didn't want to help those retards in any shape or form.

I was quick to deny that dog's request, even if it was not exactly his own. Just looking at him made me repulsed. The sin of his mother might not be his, but there was no way I would simply forget what happened. I could forgive that whore or just tell her to go fuck herself if the only thing she had done was sleeping with Osiris. That was not the case, much to my regret. What she did to me was even worse than that. I plucked and ate one of her wings in return, gaining regeneration abilities far greater than the average God. To my misfortune, she got away just in time before I managed to get the second one.

Anubis was persistent, much to my annoyance. "Go seek help from Horus." Was what I told him. He always gave the Pharaohs his blessing, essentially making them become him. Maybe my nephew wouldn't create the perfect mix between a warrior and a ruler, but that the brat would turn out to be a wise one was a sure thing.

"...I know you do not want to do it. He is also going to help, albeit in a minor role. Lord Ra favors you the most, so he wants you to be the one to do it." He said. Funny, that decrepit geezer only has his interests in mind. The favor he spoke at the time might as well mean nothing. As long as you have some sort of value for his plans, whatever they are, he will "favor" you. In the end, it's just controlling.

The stupid dog wouldn't open the gate, and I didn't want to stay with him for even a second more, so I reluctantly accepted. That was not the reason I did it, though. Despite not wanting to help them, I wanted to have some freedom, as little as it might be. At that time, I could definitely feel it. My emotions were disappearing. I was becoming a machine that only has his work in mind and nothing else. So, if I could delay that for just a little, I would gladly take the opportunity.

I have to admit it, though. I wasn't particularly happy to do it. It was not a secret that I was terrible with kids; they and I just don't get along. More so when I see—When I saw Anubis in every one of them.

It didn't help the cause that the kid in question was a brat who only wanted vengeance on her step-mother and had a terrible attitude, to boot.

It took two years just to make the kid listen to me. If it weren't because I would return to that "prison," were I to kill him, I would have done that already.

At least he had some motivation, as revenge-driven as it was. I would have liked for Horus to do something more instead of merely appearing once every month to give some shitty advice, though.

I remember spawning all sorts of beasts and dark monsters and making him fight to the death with them, forcing him to survive in the harshest parts of the desert just by eating poisonous creatures and striking him with lightning from time to time. Everything while he was less than ten years old. Now that I look at it...It seems Ama is not the only one who has problems.

I might have gone too far...but he never complained, so that's something. Maybe it was that motivation, that fire in his eyes to keep going no matter what that changed the way I looked at him. He went from being a snotty brat to someone worth spending the time with if anything.

"No matter what you throw at me, I will overcome it! And then, when I have enough strength, I will kick your ass!" ...He still needed some correction, in the form of more hellish training, that is.

I spent many years preparing him in every way possible, not just combat. Although I am not well-versed on how to manage Empires, I can at least teach him the basics about how to treat people, including outsiders. It may be because I am the God of Foreigners, but if he wanted to conquest other lands, I didn't want him to just be a tyrant with them like I was.

Sometimes, on the occasional days that I allowed him to rest, we would talk about a lot of things over a bonfire in the cold nights. As I had to keep him away from her mother's hands who wanted him dead, we usually did that on remote locations, far from Egyptian lands.

It was in those moments where he felt ready enough to tell me his ambitions. Growing up, he always said to me about how he wanted to kill his step-mother. Mose was a smart kid. Analyzing the strange circumstances regarding his father's death, he concluded she was the one who murdered him to seize power. What she did was something the Gods wouldn't allow. A Pharaoh was the incarnation of the will of their will, to have a human kill that was a terrible sin, but as they wanted the young successor to prove himself, they left her fate to him.

"What do you I should do? You are a God, aren't you? Shouldn't you have some advice for me on how to deal with this?" It was what he asked me one night. I remember him hugging his knees while looking at the ground, trying to also think of an answer by himself.

It came off as strange to me. Before, Mose wouldn't even ask. "My mission is to get revenge for my father, and I will do anything to obtain the power necessary to achieve that." Is what he would say. The fact that he was asking me meant that he was not sure anymore, or that he just wanted a second opinion. Be that as it may, at least he was showing a more mature behavior.

"Why would you want my opinion, though? Horus is a better choice than me in the matter. Despite being a lazy guy, his inherited wisdom surpasses mine." I honestly replied to him. Of course, that would have to wait until the person in question showed up, which he rarely did.

"As someone who killed a family member, I was expecting you to tell me how did that feel, and if you felt satisfied afterward. And shouldn't you hate Lord Horus? Why do you speak of him like he is some sort of everyday person you see on the streets?" I remember being left speechless by his words. For the first time in a long while, I laughed shortly. I couldn't help it, actually. It had been a long time since someone dared to speak of that matter in front of me. Many considered it to be taboo, even my fellow Gods.

Even Thutmose was caught off guard at that time. His face was indeed a sight to behold. I hadn't seen him that surprised since the moment where I told him he would be wrestling with crocodiles.

"Let's see...if you ask me how I felt at that time, then the answer would be nothing. Even as I was dismembering my brother with my own hands, piece by piece, I felt nothing. Wording it in a better way, I felt empty. My thirst for blood wasn't satiated, my unending rage wasn't calming down, and my desire to see the world burn only grew stronger. What I am trying to say is, what happened can't be changed. Only when you look forward without being tied by the past is that you can find hope for a better future. People like me are so far gone to have that opportunity."

I tried to find the best words I could to explain to him, but the only answer I got was, "Why do you say such embarrassing things? It does not suit you at all." Sometimes I wondered if he was a masochist that liked to receive hits on the back of his head.

"As for Horus, I don't hate him at all, and neither does he hate me. He was created to defeat me and defeat me he did. However, it was not as you humans portray it. You tend to beautify yourselves and the things you adore at your convenience. That said, I am sure the others also wanted to make it as if my defeat was the advent of a new era and erased a lot from the actual story." After that, I began to tell him what truly happened. It was a long tale, so he ended up sleeping half-way through it.

One thing changed from that day on, though. He never mentioned killing his mother again, and instead asked for more training, to become a warrior that wouldn't have to fear even the Gods.

At that time, I never understood why he wanted that. I was sure he knew that to defy the Gods without Divine Blood was suicide. But, I paid it no mind. Instead, I trained him even harder. Sometimes, I would watch while Horus instructed him in the use of the spear or gave him ruling advice.

"Uncle~ I leave the rest to you, all righty?~ Yawn...I'm goin' to sleep, see ya!" As usual, he bid farewell in the laziest way possible before using his wings to fly away. This time, though, he left a message in a language that only us Gods could understand. "Make sure to say goodbye, m'kay? Time will soon be up."

With his last words, I realized that my job was almost done. A little more than twenty years had passed since I started training him. I managed to see him grow from a kid who only caused problems to a man ready to face any challenge.

I have got to admit it. I felt...sad upon realizing it, but I also understood it was necessary. Although Mose didn't show it, I am sure he knew of it too. There was no other way to explain why he wanted to spend so much time with me when there was no more training to do.

I didn't want to leave just like that, though. That's why I decided to give him a parting gift. I went to my temple hidden in the sands and prepared a ritual. By cutting off my right arm and placing it in a circle full of hieroglyphs, I managed to create a weapon with my Divinity imbued into it.

It was true that he needed Divine Blood or some sort of miracle to challenge a God, but that rule didn't apply to weapons, especially ones made by them.

The process took about a week. Even with a grand part of my powers stolen, doing something like that was not difficult to do. More so if you could recover the body part you used as "sacrifice."

When I returned, what awaited me was a full-fledged Pharaoh. It seemed that Mose's step-mother had died while I was away, and he was quick to seize power. I was impressed, very much so.

After jokingly saying I was away on his most important day, he started offering me many things as thanks for everything I did for him.

His proposals would undoubtedly look appealing to the average person, but to me, they were just meaningless things. I had lived for a long time. I had cried about the loss of friends. I had resented my fellow Gods. I had found true love and not something empty to keep our lineage from going extinct. I had submerged myself in revenge. I had even had a student I could pass my knowledge on, something that I never thought I would do.

To me, my life was complete. Of course, there were some regrets, some things I still wished to do or to have, but overall, there was nothing left for me. That's why instead of accepting anything he offered me, I made a personal request.

"Kill me." In his eyes, I could see the struggle, but not the surprise I was expecting. Maybe he already knew I would ask for something like that.

In the end, he accepted, still reminding me that it was going to be impossible for him no matter how hard he tried.

"I know it's going to be difficult. It is the reason I am giving this to you. This bow is a special one, only meant to be used on Gods. Use this to put an end to my existence." With those words, I threw him the gift I prepared.

I could feel the land of the dead calling for me. My little time of freedom was coming to an end. Strangely, I forgot that was the reason why I wanted to escape the reincarnation place. Could it be because I enjoyed myself, I wonder?

The words he said to me at that time, as he was watching me fade away, are still clear in my head. "Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. If we meet again, and I am unable to fulfill my promise; please, let me at least become your strength."

Of course, he didn't mean to serve under me. He just wanted me to eat him in the literal sense of the word. Talking about doing the impossible, it's not like he didn't know I hated doing that. I always make an explicit disassociation between me now and me as a "beast."

Reluctance fills me every time I have to do the same things the other me did. It is the reason why I don't use my abilities to its full potential or don't even use them at all.

Leaving that aside, who knew you would appear here. You purposely gave up your rest in the afterlife and chose to get pulled into a distorted system of marionettes in another world just to fulfill your promise.

I held high expectations, but you disappointed me. Although you must be very disappointed in me too, right? I guess that makes us even.

Looking at you, it's like seeing your kid version, always hyperactive, and driven by your emotions. However, I know that is not the real you. The moment you aim at me is when I am going to see what you are in reality.

"Hey, Mose. Are you ready? You have a weapon capable of killing Gods, and your abilities are on par with mine now. Let me see how serious you are about putting an end to my life."

"As you wish. I will give everything, even my life to win this!" Yes, that's the resolution I was waiting to see. Don't hold back, show me how much you have improved. Show me the answer you arrived at the end of your journey.

(A/N: A long chapter, hope you enjoy it while I make the other one. Also, thanks for everyone's good wishes. Love you all!)