Chapter 1

Dark blue fire ravaged the town, panic, and chaos coursed through the city.

The blue sky turned black, the yellow sun now red. Where once happy voices rang, now only screams and whispers of despair clung on the streets.

As the Hell's Spawns ate and played with their prey, in a small apartment, swaying hips and gentle rhythm floor taps could be heard.

It is a good day! Today is my time off, which means, cooking pancakes with syrup and hot choco! Yay! I mean, yeah sure, the demons may be killing everyone out there, but you know what? Not my problem! Not today at the very least. So yep! I shall keep on humming.

As I kept cooking and humming in my shiny kitchen, my dastardly phone rang.

"Ugh, fine." Answering the phone with disgust, I place it on my neck to continue cooking without issue. "Yeeeeeees?" I answer as I finish making my pancakes. Oh, oh, where's the syrup!?

Hm, I can hear screams and whimpers on the other side of the phone. Background noise, yup. "Boss, are you okay? Listen, a hidden cult of dark priests made a ritual, they probably didn't know what was going to happen, but they opened a Hellgate and summoned a guardian. We need you to kill the guardian and close the Hellgate!" Mm! Delicious! Oh yeah, I never tasted such delicious pancakes before.

-Nom- "Ah, eh, sorry dude, today is my day off! So, yeah. Good luck!" Huh, I could swear he was shouting something as I hung the phone.

However! Today I shall not work! Hell may reign on earth, I will focus this day on pancakes!

As I was about to bring the deliciousness made real, the wall exploded. Chunks of red meat and wall fell on my plate, a support beam fell on my fork, and the chocolate cup broke.

Turning my eyes to the hole where the child's torso came from and stained my holy pancakes, I see a growling beast, probably twenty-thirty meters away, and with a size twenty-four meters.

As I step to my room, I analyzed the beast. So, well, this is the fifth floor, did he kick the kid and it exploded on my wall? Damn, hardcore! An abomination made of lumps and bumps, a disgusting disfigured face that was a vertical maw with three rows of spiky teeth, it has nine arms, and his arms are made of tiny little arms, does it evolve eating humans? And his fingers are arms... And those fingers are made of arms. And look, all his arms have mouths. Heh. It does have one eye only though.

So yep. "Hey, bitch! Catch this!" I was on one knee, with a holy missile launcher on my shoulder and the awesome enchanted sunglasses that allowed me to see the unseen, the unholy, spirits of all kinds, all manners of energy, in the dark, in bright places and looked rad as hell! Not that hell was cool or anything.

No, really.

I am not being tsundere. It is not good. It's kinda boring actually. It's just an expression. Yeah.

/-/

"Yep, that was me." As I put on the headphones, "Can you hear me?"

"My Lady, you're the one not listening!" Ouch, he's testy, he never takes that tone with me. "Oh come on John, don't be rude. I killed the big guy, didn't I? And I am called you, did I not? So yeah, chill!" I say relaxed as I kick the child's torso out of my building. "So, what's going on, where do I go? Go on, do your job, boyo." Is it wrong to kick the bloody torso of a dead child that put a hole through your wall? If so, I didn't do it.

-sigh-"My Lady, a cult of dark priests slip right under our noses. The leader, Florin Segel found a dark ritual in an ancient tomb; Apparently, he's had all his acolytes learn it. When they did the ritual, they all died, because idiots did not understand that it was a self-sacrificial ritual. They also sacrificed fourteen thousand innocents-" "Wait" I interrupt. "Fourteen thousand people? What? How did we not notice? What the fuck? Are we that useless?"

As he keeps silent for a few seconds, I was finishing here. Damn, I look good! "It was the work a Fallen Seraphim. It was all his plot to open the breach and enter our realm of existence. They opened a Hellgate, and with it, and the innocent blood, they managed to summon the Seraphim".

"Huh!? A Fallen Seraphin? Who is it? Oh no, we need a heavenly archon, it may work however most are dead. What about the team of arch-sealers? What about.." As I keep pacing around the room muttering possible solutions, the phone keep yelling, managing to distract me from my divine thinking. "What!? I was thinking here!"

"My Lady, we already have a plan. The only one that could work according to our seers." His voice was calm and with a touch of finality. Hoh? Is Johnny growing!? I still remember the stuttering child. "Ooooh, look at you! You're maturing! So cute! Alright, Johnny-boy, where do I go, what should I do?" Hm? Where is my shadow-realm dagger?

"My Lady, I shall wait for you on the base of the Green Sculptor. In the soul chamber." Oh! This stupid man didn't even say bye! He hung on me! Alright, he gets a bonk on his head. Oooh, there's my Ra's Essence Revolver, suns as bullets! Infinite ammo as long as I refill it with lemon juice. Awesome weapon.

Alright, let's check the list.

Haste enchanted earrings with disease immunities. Check!

Immortality cursed lipstick. Check!

Holy-Electric unbreakable retractable baton. Check!

Seven-Second Air-Step Boots. Check!

Bracelets of super-human strength. Seven of them. Check!

Multi-Use magical swiss ring. Check!

Dimensional ring with an infinite space filled to the brim with random things. Check

Awesome super cool jacket. Check!

Oh, yeah, and can't forget my wizardry shenanigans auto-fill cigarette pack! So. Where is Green Sculptors' place?

Since the wall was busted, may as well jump out of the building directly. Running easily through the air towards the floor, I start gliding as I lit one of my wizardry cigars. The blue sparkle smoke formed a hand in front of me pointing towards my destination.

As I was about to continue my path, I can see red eyes looking at me through fire and fog. "Oh? You're approaching me? Instead of running away, you're coming right to me?" As I posed as dramatically as I could I brought my revolver out and shot. "Welp, there he goes. Yeah, things don't last long against sun bullets."

As I kept going I couldn't help but mutter "Damn, I really need a bike right now." In the midst of my complaints, there, in the middle of the street laid a brand new, unused bike. Not questioning my luck. Because really? Who would? If you do, you're stupid. Luck is good! As I waved the finger with my Swiss-Ring, a white misty breath came from it. Bathing the bike, before comically righting itself up and doing a "Vroom, Vroom" Noise. Heh. Neat.

"Yahooooo! Helmets are for weaklings!" Having the time of my life, on an automatic super awesome bike, shooting suns to random things from time to time. Demon! -bang- Possessed IRS agent! -bang- Kid kicking a cat -bang- Polka sweater shop -bang, bang, bang-

Well, apart from shooting some monsters, my way to Green's Sculptor's place is relatively smooth. Yeah fine, the street may be littered with half-eaten corpses, and rivers of blood wash the streets, countless fires and screams fill the city. But! It was a nice ride. Oh! Is that an Irish rainbow!? Ah! I wanna capture a leprechaun and tie it to my bike! Damn it! I don't have time right now. "What's that Smoky? We're close? Thank's buddy, you taste delicious! Mint!" I say to the blue sparkly hand who blushed and disappeared before pointing to a decrepit green-ish building.

"Hmm, the building is surprisingly lame." I could already hear a discussion inside by parking my bike on the front of the shoddy 'base' I could already hear a discussion inside. Huh, someone's getting fired! Not because of the screams, but a base must be enchanted, why is sound coming out of it? It should not be possible! Thus I kicked the door and entered the building doing cartwheels.

"I told you Revan, we can't do that. It's against all we believe!" Was that John's voice? "Ah! My Lady! Do not enter buildings like that, please. You may hurt someone with the door."

"Yeah, yeah" I waved him off distractedly. All my attention was robbed by the other individual. "You are mangy. " I say after a few seconds of tense silence.

The 'person' that John was arguing with, if that thing can be considered one, a zombie-werewolf and apparently sculptor if going by his roman toga indicates anything at all.

"Ah, the crazy exterminator. Dark times indeed if this is our last option." Wow, what a baritone. That raspy sexy voice, damn. If only he wasn't a rotten werewolf.

"Yeah, yeah, you have worms in your ear buddy. You gotta go washy, washy! Besides, I am not crazy, I just perceive reality differently from you, and most everyone really. Just because some legit crazy guys say I am correct doesn't mean I am crazy. Hmpf." I cross my arms with a pout. "I am never gonna win this discussion. John, it looks like apocalypse out there, are you ready for the looting!?" I ask with a grin.

"We're not gonna loot, my Lady." So he says. But he knows otherwise. If I say we're gonna loot, we are gonna loot.

"So, what's the plan?" As I ask that, both Revan and John look at each other briefly. "Oi, no secrets!" As I say that I blew sparky silver smoke towards him. Hah, suffer from my cigar shenanigans, bitch!.

"No, no! Please! Ah-hahahaha-hahaha-hahaha-sto-haha!" Yeah, silvery sparkly foggy hands are tickling John, and they will not release him until he's crying and in a fetal position.

"So, mutt, what's going on?" I ask with a dangerous glint in my eyes.

"Uh... Well, the mages are preparing the golden void, most agents are all trying to contain and exterminate all demons, the sealer team managed to surround and seal the block around the Seraphim." As he explained the current situation, John, with tear marks on his face reincorporated himself into the conversation, glaring at me hatefully.

"Which is where you come into plan, my Lady." -Sigh- "There's no easy way to say this, but as the strongest and only person capable of facing the Seraphim in the entire world it's up to you."

"Alright, you know that even if we dropped all our Holy-Nukes he would survive with ease right? I don't think I can kill it. Perhaps annoy him, slow him, whatever. But not kill. What's this 'Golden Void'?"

"Well, it's a potion made of void energy and leprechaun blood, have you seen the rainbow outside? I made it, to lure Leprachauns." Huh, there's my leprechaun amulet for the bike!

"We have a plan." Interjected John. "Half the potion is made of luck, the first half, drink it, and in less than 3 minutes, the Seraphim must drink the other half. We'll then tell the wizards to activate the void and it'll banish the Fallen Seraphim from our plane."

"So... You're telling me to bully an angel to drink poison. Knowingly. Because it's gonna be obvious as fuck. Besides, maybe I won't die because of the potion, but the Seraphim will kill me!" -sigh- "Fine. I need two things if you want me to do this. A leprechaun tied to a mithril cord and some pancakes. They better be good boyo!" I say with a grin.