Chapter 90: Medb the nutcracker

(Medb's POV)

Ah, in all my years in Britain, not a single man has given me a head.

After dreamshifting with Titus here in Britain, I received a task: talk to Titus's nth wife, Morgan Pendragon. I was supposed to school her on the art of political manipulation in court. I mean, come on, I was a pretty grand queen myself, ahem!

But Titus laid down the law: no talk about my origin or anything south of the equator, if you catch my drift. Humph! Who does he think he is? You really believe I'd play by his rules?

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Well, I did, like his obedient b!tch. I mean, what choice did I have? I'm only a head, thanks to him. I didn't even know I'd become a summonable heroic spirit. Slim chances, you know, with Titus making the Holy Grail an ancient history here.

But I followed his orders and formed a pretty tight bond with Lady Morgan. Being a bit of a fairy myself, we clicked surprisingly well.

Once she started marching off to wars, I found myself free as a bird. Titus actually gave me the green light to go gallivanting and 'fall in love' again. Oh, the visions of all those dashing Britons and Saxon Cucumbers I could relish! Ahem!

Yet, reality hit hard. Rejection after rejection awaited me. Let's dive into my experiences.

Firstly, the Britons—just as Titus predicted—turned out to be either cowards, jerks, or downright disgusting. They'd either flee at the sight of me or try to off me, claiming I was some sort of monstrosity. I mean, come on! I might be a talking head, but doesn't etiquette demand a bit of decorum even for a talking head?

And the Saxons? Oh, they take the cake in the 'asshole' category. Straight-up aiming to eliminate me or speed-dialing the authorities. Now I'm a wanted criminal in various Saxon-controlled regions just for, you know, asking for a little blowjob.

Imagine the humiliation I've faced! Even without the goddess-like body, I've got this cute face. Even Titus admits it—my face is on point.

Now, about Titus. He's... well, not entirely a bad person. Sure, he's a hypocritical jerk who labels me a whore… well, let's just say I don't object to his label, while he parades around like some saint. But, credit where it's due, beyond that twisted perception, he treats me fairly decently.

Apart from not giving me my glamorous body back, he's set me up pretty well. His enhancements allow me to move around, keep clean, and live without much discomfort. I can even take on those low-level phantasmal beasts, a feat I couldn't pull off during my reign.

Oh, and the wealth he's thrown my way? Enough to fund my adventures for decades!

I hate to admit it, but he's given me a lot despite my attempts to do the opposite. He's got a decent heart, I suppose. Just don't even think about badmouthing or harming his family—ever. That's his Achilles' heel, believe me.

I once tried to curse that oh-so-arrogant Scathach, and the look Titus shot me... unforgettable. And let me tell you, his physique? Totally my type. Saw those abs and muscles and swooned right there. Word from Scathach is, his manhood is top-notch. Even got her, someone immune to pain, feeling some things, if you catch my drift.

Just the thought of what's hiding in his trousers could set me ablaze. Ahem! But, let's be real, he's not my cup of tea.

In a strange way, we're kinda alike, seeing multiple partners, but with different agendas. I'm all about pleasure and perks, while Titus? He's all about that deep commitment, love, and respect. I mean, I don't go to extremes for any guy—well, except for Cu Chulainn—but Titus? He's on another level. Ready to die a thousand deaths, face torture, sacrifice himself, all for the sake of freeing his loved ones.

Scathach shared how he sacrificed himself to rid her of thousands of curses. Every fiber of his being turned to dust. Just hearing about it made me cringe, and let's face it, I wouldn't endure something like that for anyone else.

"Ugh... will I ever snag a man?" I sighed, traipsing through the forest.

"Who goes there?"

Mid-monologue, a deep voice startled me. I glanced up, spotting a strapping figure.

"Whoa, hold your horses! No need for swordplay!" I yelped as the knight, armed with what seemed like a divine sword, poised for action. One swing and it'd be game over for me.

"Then, who might you be and... where's the rest of you?" The man, with his distinctive purple locks, questioned.

Wait, purple hair? A closer look triggered a memory. Bingo! Purple hair, sturdy build—this had to be him. Lancelot du Lac, wielder of the legendary Arondight and the cream of the crop among knights of the Round Table. Yeah, I knew him from Titus's database about this dreamshift.

Jackpot, Medb! But play it cool, lure him in first.

*Tears streaming down my face,* "Please, please don't harm me! I have little ones to care for..." I feigned desperation, and it worked like a charm. Lancelot's guard softened.

"Children? Are you someone's wife? What happened to you?"

His sudden inquiry about my husband caught me off guard. "Husband? Which one?" I blurted instinctively.

"What do you mean, 'which one'? I meant your husband," he pressed on.

"Oh, that..." I chuckled, trying to buy time. The truth? I've had a few husbands, but the names... a bit foggy. Except for the one who took out Fergus. What was his name again? Come on, Medb, think!

I drew a blank. "His name is... Titus. Yes, Titus Dusklock!" I settled on my current master, adding a sob story. "That dreadful wizard separated my head from my body and left me stranded in this forest. I've tried so hard to reunite with my children, but..." *sobs*

Next thing I knew, Lancelot had me in a comforting embrace. "Don't say another word, Medb. I'll help you," he pledged. "I'm Lancelot du Lac, and from this moment, we journey together to confront your evil husband and reclaim your body."

"Oh... alright." Well, I was just aiming for some companionship, but I suppose I can roll with this adventure for a bit.

And so, our unique journey began. We rode through towns on his majestic horse, indulging in delightful cuisines and sharing memories along the way.

"I love you, Medb," he confessed.

"I love you too, Lord Lancelot," I replied, almost effortlessly. Getting men to fall for me was never a challenge. Unlike someone like Titus, who'd take ages to come around. Efficiency, my dear!

As night fell and we found ourselves in a lamp-lit room, it seemed the perfect moment to reconnect physically after so long.

Given my headless situation, persuading this honorable knight was no easy feat. But hey, I didn't earn the title Queen Medb for nothing. Convincing a man to express his love, even under these circumstances? Challenge accepted.

"Medb…" Lancelot murmured, lowering his pants.

Anticipation surged. Yet, reality wasn't as grand as expected.

"Eh?"

It was just... average.

Now, don't get me wrong, I appreciate the smaller joys, but considering Lancelot's impressive physique, let's just say his 'sword' didn't quite match up to Titus's skyscraper... well, you get the picture. Little Lancelot was just... okay-ish.

"What's the matter, Medb? You seem disappointed," Lancelot questioned.

"Nuh-uh~! I was just expecting something... different," I sugarcoated with a coy smile. Well, as long as it could fill my mouth, I wasn't complaining!

"Then, Lord Lancelot..." I muttered, feigning shyness, closing my eyes.

"Here you go, my dear Medb."

And at that moment, I tasted it for the first time. Ah, it was an exhilarating sensation!

Wait... Blood?

"AAAAA!!"

Lancelot's scream rang in my ears, and when I opened my eyes, the realization hit me.

Let me share a little detail.

Remember when Titus enchanted my teeth and used me as a nutcracker? Yeah...

I cut Lancelot's dick….

(AN: RIP Galahad.)

"Bleh!" I spat out his flesh, quickly cleansing my mouth with a spell. But what met my gaze next were the eyes of a wounded beast.

"Medb! What... have you done?!"

"I am sorry! I am sorry! I promise I can fix it!" I pleaded, tears streaming down my face. "Titus... he can reattach it!"

"Your husband?" Lancelot's eyes blazed with rage, his bloodlust making me queasy. "So, you were deceiving me from the start?! How dare you? How dare you play with my feelings?!"

"AAA!!" I screamed, leaping away. All I saw was a flash, and my precious hair was severed!

"AA my precious hair!!" I lamented as they were my only means to act like hands.

But the ordeal wasn't over.

"TITUS, SAVE ME!" I cried, hurtling towards the door, calling for Titus with all my might.

However, the door stood locked, and with my hair severed, I couldn't open it. I turned around, spotting a menacing figure ready to tear me apart.

"Kh! I really don't want to do this!" I closed my eyes and uttered a name, "Star Platinum!"

In an instant, a body formed beneath my head, metallic arms and legs growing until I stood taller than Lancelot. The mercury mystic code, Volumen Hydrargyrum, crafted by Titus, was my unexpected savior. Not exactly the goddess-like body I craved, but beggars can't be choosers!

Leaping towards Lancelot for an attack, I soon realized my second blunder. With minimal experience with this mystic code...

Swing! Swing! Swing!

In a flash, my metallic body was sliced into pieces. "AA!" I cried, utilizing the last bit of mercury as a maneuver to jump out the window directly.

Without a second thought, I ran with all my might. "Titus! Cu!! Someone, please save me...!!!" I cried their names, darting aimlessly through the dark forest.

Aware that death might be imminent, I refused to accept it. It was at that moment I understood the gravity of Titus's words.

"Medb, try to be committed to a single person."

Now, I grasped the meaning. Despite my enjoyment with many men, I realized I had never truly felt a satisfying, happy life. No one had ever genuinely loved me, and I reciprocated that feeling to no one.

In that desperate moment, I prayed fervently.

"God, please save me! Titus... I'll be better, I promise!! Titus..."

Tears streamed down my face as I ran in circles. Suddenly, a brutal impact struck me as Lancelot appeared out of nowhere, kicking me into the air.

"AAA!" With a shattered nose and skull, excruciating pain engulfed me as I tumbled. When the rolling ceased, I found myself face to face with a looming figure ready to deliver the final blow. I knew my time was up.

"Ti...tus..." I barely whispered, calling for the one person who could possibly rescue me. But it was too late as Lancelot swung his sword.

CLANG!

"Yare! Yare! You're quite the handful, Medb," a familiar voice echoed.

Lancelot's sword clashed against a long spear wielded by a large man with flowing hair and a beard.

A surge of relief and happiness flooded through me as I drifted into unconsciousness.

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Let's revise this conclusion while adhering to the specified features:

As I opened my eyes, I found myself cradled in warm hands. My head was healed, and my hair had returned. It all felt like a terrible nightmare.

"Why? Why did you save me?" I questioned Titus. Why did he bother rescuing me? He despised the very sight of me wandering in these lands, aware of my unsavory actions. Despite that, he chose to come to my aid.

I didn't exactly know why I asked, but for the first time, I wanted to understand his feelings.

"Hmm, didn't you cry for help? You interrupted my sleep, and then I had to cast a spell to teleport directly to your position..." Titus grumbled, noticing tears in my eyes. A smile crossed his face, and he gently wiped away my tears. "Well, you are my precious trophy, even if you are annoying."

"Guh sob*" Tears flowed freely, and I leaped, embracing him. "I'm sorry, master! I'll never leave your side or dishonor you!! I'll forever remain your loyal b!tch!"

Titus, the gentleman he was, simply supported me, and we walked home in silence that night.

If there's one person I can be committed to, it has to be Titus.

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(AN: This chapter serves as Omake with Medb's POV. What do you guys think? I tried to write with a slightly different approach. And don't worry, Lancelot is alright. Pretty sure, he won't go after married woman from now on.)

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