1 Shadow of Regret

This story was completed in 2019 but has been updated from its original version.

You would think after fifty-some years, the pain of losing a loved one would vanish, leaving only dull remorse watered down by broken images and tasteless remembrances. Sitting at her small dining room table with a glass of rum mixed with various other flavored liqueurs, Ria relived in her mind just how untrue that was. Wrapped in the deafening silence that had only existed in between the distance of their bodies, a silence roiling in need, longing and raw passion held at bay, she felt Cú's absence keenly from both of the past lives they had shared as she savored the fiery warmth that trickled down her throat and tried to ignite the heat that should have coursed through her body.

But that body had died a long time ago, at least on the inside. Now alone and cold from the inside out, she had toiled and worked it inexhaustibly to the bone in hopes of finding a way to bring him back indefinitely. Coming to nothing but dead ends for the last ten years, she was now being forced to face the reality that she may never see him again as hers.

Absentmindedly touching the silver dart earring he had given her the very first life they lived together when he was Proto, she tries to find consolation in it's worn exterior as her conversation with McDonell Trambellio Elrod in The Tower just a few hours before played in her mind.

"Do you know why I called you in here?"

"My understanding is you want me to be a guinea pig for some new experiment." The boredom in her face a façade to mask her apprehension.

"That is correct. Do you know why I chose you?"

"Because I have such a magnanimous personality." Ria gave him her biggest fake smile before crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"Cute, but no. I called you because you happen to be the strongest mage thanks to your dabbling in alchemics and we figured you had the best success rate."

"Sound logic as always, Master Elrod. You haven't forgotten my lack of desire to bond with another servant if it isn't on my terms, have you?"

Frowning, he shook his head briefly. "I am painfully aware. That is why I want to cut a deal with you. The research we are doing is vital to humanity's existence now that we face extinction. If you were to 1) use SERYPH to bond with a male servant deemed your best match, 2) Life Bond with him, and 3) produce at least one child, we will let you live to bond any other or as many servants as you want. Your mana capacity, as far as we can tell, is infinite as the result of you acquiring and ingesting the philosopher stone in your past life so you can't be held to the same standards of summoning as others."

"And if the servant I want is already chosen or even bonded by another mage?"

Shrugging carelessly, only men of power who can easily dismiss even the earth's rotation should it be deemed necessary do; his response is a matter of fact.

"Things happen out in the field all the time. I am sure you are more than capable of taking another Servants command seal. It matters not how you acquire the servant you wish to bond to. All we ask is that you produce a Demi-Servant."

Turning, she looked out the window to her right. Her heart never stopped aching for Cú since she lost him the last time and every day since had been a struggle. Even though he had been unfaithful, she had scoured through all the old texts and sought out every mage, sage, Buddha, and witch she could find to try to find a way to reunite us, but had found no solution. The only consolation was the extension to her life after ingesting the philosophers stone, giving her an eternity to find the answer. Feeling confident she still had enough left of him to summon him one more time, Ria agreed.

"I'll do it, but The Order is not to interfere with my private life. I will breed your Demi servant and fight your singularities, but you are to stay out of my private life once that is accomplished."

"That seems fair. The lab expects you first thing in the morning. Shall I send an escort?"

I scowl.

"That won't be necessary. I don't intend to betray you."

It was true. Ria had no intention of betraying the Neutral Faction. Being the only group that would allow her to research without question due to the political boost her presence would give them within the tower, they coexisted in harmony unless there was something they needed her help on.

Tracing her index finger around the rim of the glass, she closed her eyes and lost herself in memories that only surfaced in her dreams, hoping against hope tomorrow would reunite them again.

It was late, one in the morning to be exact, and I should have been asleep, but after confessing our love, there wasn't a night that passed where I could truly relax and fall asleep Without Cú's intense warmth next to me.

Having gone on one final round of the apartment and its complex to ensure I wasn't in danger, I had climbed into bed and closed my eyes, counting the seconds until he returned.

Though he always made sure to open our bedroom door quietly, so I didn't wake up, I kept my back towards the door, enjoying the feel of him crawling in behind me before enveloping around me.

"Such a temptress for one so young." He whispered as I felt him almost prowl towards the bed, the heat of his passionate gaze burning the naked flesh of my back which was exposed down to my ass. It was agonizing to imagine him behind me, slowly moving towards the bed as his eyes devoured me within their blood-red irises. However, I remained still and kept my breathing steady until the sheets pulled back slightly and he slid beneath them.

Primal to the core, being his Proto version, his raging erection pressed against my ass cheeks as his lips nestled against my bare neck where his teeth bit into the flesh gently, his canines digging in between muscle tissue as his tongue lapped at my skin.

It was impossible to stifle the gasp and moan behind my lips as I arched my back away from him, my hips tilting up and back, so my sex grazed against his length, giving him an unmistakable invitation. Biting down harder on the central tendon of my neck, he brought a hand to my breast and cupped it, pinching the nipple between two fingers as the other slipped underneath me to roll me into my chest.

"Cú...please..."

It was a plea soaked in desire that was hungry and demanding. Bringing his hand to my hair as his other rested on my hip, he guided me until I was positioned above his shaft. Looking into his eyes, I could see how badly he wanted me, and my heart ached, knowing he had become my everything. He wasn't a servant, slave, sex toy, or a casualty of war to me. He was only the man I loved.

He groaned out in ecstasy as I mounted him, the feel of my soft, tight body enveloping him as I rode his hips intensely. He had been my first, and I swore to be his last. When we won the Grail War, I would make him mine. No other wish mattered. No different life mattered.

With each thrust, my craving for him intensified until the desire to have him dominate me became overwhelming. Staying inside, I flipped us, so I lay on my back. Pulling my legs up, I placed them over his shoulders and called to him to thrust even deeper into me as I braced myself against the headboard.

His moans, my cries, my name on his lips, the I love you's, the fuck me's, my nails on his back, the tightening of my legs around his hips sent him into bloodlust. Craving more, needing more, he dragged out more as he drove his fingers knuckles deep until I could feel the bliss of my release washing over him.

Needing that too, he pulled out quickly before placing his head between my legs and drinking the fluids my body released, the juices he had created in loving me the way only he could. Licking my clit and thighs clean before locking my hips with his arms as I wrapped his arms around my bent legs, he clasped the opposite wrist of each hand, not allowing me to move as he took me a second time.

Where he had been aggressive the first time, he was gentle now. Caressing my clit with gentle slow strokes, knowing it would be ultra-sensitive, he waited for me to desensitize. After a few moments, my legs spread wider, and my moans increased. Spurred by my reaction, he interchanged sucking my clit and penetrating me with his tongue, causing delicate whimpers to emerge from my lips.

Soon this became unbearable, and I began pushing my hips into his ministrations. Releasing one hand, he slid two fingers deep inside me, focused on increasing the pressure and speed of his tongue on my clit. Within moments, his hand was soaked as I tried to ride it so his fingers penetrated deeper.

My second orgasm was quick, and as soon as it happened, he slid up my body and penetrated me again, causing me to wrap my arms around him and tear at his back as soundless screams of pleasure escaped my lips.

I loved him. I was in love with him. I would die for him. He was my everything.

Intertwining his fingers in my hair as he kissed me hard, my body shook as I tried to cling to him. Covered in sweat, both of us panting hard, he bit my neck down to my nipple, giving it a good tug before rising to encapsulate my lips once again.

With every thrust, we become slicker as our sexes met and recede. By the wetness between my legs, the sounds coming from my lips, and the shaking of my thighs, he could tell I was close. Bringing his lips to my ear, he whispered. "Cum for me, Mo grá."

With one final scream, we erupted together before collapsing on the bed. Pulling me close to him, making sure not to pull out of me, I was overwhelmed by the need to feel every inch of him. He was mine for now and for always.

The memory ended where the tears always began, a slick fine line of regret dripping like a faucet whose shower just ended down the barren expanse of my cheeks. Lifting a hand to wipe them away with the back of my fingers, I then brought the pads of my thumb and middle fingers to the bridge of my nose, where I dug them into the duct of my eye, forcing the trail to stop.

Taking a controlled breath, I downed the remaining fluid in my glass before taking it to the sink and placing it in the dishwasher. It would be foolish to think I could summon him again after all these years, but I had to try.

"Don't get your hopes up." My words were a harsh reminder that time and opportunity ran out for everyone.

But I couldn't give up. My heart wouldn't let me. I just had to accept if I didn't get him, I would have to meet my end of the bargain before doing everything I could

to find him again. Never once, considering he might not love me if he came back. Never once thinking I could love another. But as one door closes, another opens. The question then remained which direction was forward and which kept me here wallowing in the darkness?