16 Numb

Lance 

After all the crying, that is how I feel. I am exhausted and I have been in bed all night. I couldn't sleep, I kept thinking about everything and then I'd wake up in tears and Jack would hold me again. He was unable to sleep because of me and he doesn't even know what happened. 

Saying it out loud makes it too real. 

Once it becomes real, I know I have to tell Ford. I don't want to tell him, once I tell him, he will hate me for keeping it from him. I didn't go home last night; I am not ready to face her. She probably hates me too. She hates that I don't want to accept her relationship but she doesn't even know the reason. The reason why I wish John will never marry her. I wish they break up and never see each other again. 

I hate theirs because as long as their relationship is intact, mine will never blossom. 

"You wanna talk about it?" 

I look up and jack is watching me, I didn't even know he was awake. I must be so dazed that I didn't even hear him wake up. 

"Not really," I answer him honestly. 

He sighs "Is it about Ford?" 

This is what I mean when I say he knows me too well. He didn't even ask about the dinner. He just knows that it must have something to do with Ford because right now Ford is the most important thing on my mind. I eat sleep and breathe him and all that he is. 

"It's complicated." 

He sighs and sits up on the bed with a grim expression "What happened? You had dinner with your mom. How did you deviate to Ford?" 

"He's John's son," I tell him point blank but he doesn't understand. 

"Who?" 

"Ford is Brad, Brad is Ford. I don't even know how the hell that happened. Mom is marrying Brad's father. He is going to be my stepbrother. The only person I genuinely want to be is going to be family. How is that even fair," as I say the words out loud for the first time all the emotions pour out and I start to cry again. 

Not even looking at Jack, I hear his sigh. I know he is as upset about this as I am. He knows how much this means to me and suddenly I might lose it all. 

"Fuck." 

Suddenly the room becomes quiet, I hear the ticking of the clock on his bedside table, the tree hitting the windows, the wind blowing against the roof. I don't have any words right now, I am just going to wallow in my sadness and he would stay with me, I know I can rely on Jack, all through everything. 

A loud knock comes from the front door and Jack jumps up from the bed "Your mom?" he asks rhetorically. 

We both know she is the one, she must have given me enough space last night. She probably knows I am here. Jack walks to the front of his room door and stops, facing me "Should I tell her you're not here?" 

I shake my head, at this point, I don't even care, here I am thinking about all the repercussions of keeping this from Ford, the fact that I will end up losing him, he will never forgive me for hiding this from him, even though it has been just one day. All my mother is thinking about is how I ruined her dinner with the man she loves, she doesn't know the reason why I acted out and if I tell her, she will stop my relationship from blossoming. "You can let her in," 

Sitting up on the bed, I wait for the inevitable. I hear their hushed murmurs from the living room. I know she is pissed but after a couple of minutes Jack comes in without her "What happened?" I ask immediately. 

I expected her to burst in. I know she is still pissed and that is why I can't believe she would just leave like that "I convinced her to give you some space," he tells me. 

"And she agreed?" 

He nods. 

"Why?" 

He shrugs "You know your mother is the most thoughtful woman I have ever met. She must know something is wrong." 

"What do I do?" I change the topic because I need to figure out this whole thing. I can't keep denying the truth because eventually, everyone will find out and I will be the bad guy. 

"You need to tell him the truth." 

Jack makes all this seem so easy like it is just black and white. I just say 'Oh Ford, my mother is marrying your dad' 

How is that even going to play out? 

"He will not want to be with me anymore." 

"How sure are you? Do you even think being together is still an option?" 

"I really like this guy Jack. I have never felt this way before. How do I just let it all go?" the tears start to fall and I see it in my best friends eyes. he doesn't like the way all this is making me feel but how do I stop feeling this way? When did I get to the point of hurting because of a guy? 

"You can't hide this from him forever, eventually you will have to meet him and he will figure it out. Don't you think him finding out on his own will piss him off even more?" 

His words make all the sense in the world but I am not ready to accept it. I am still in denial. La-La Land. 

"I will still get the same reaction either way," thinking about it. Ford is not the kind of person to go against his father. He seems really terrified of the man. Once he finds out that I am too close to his family, he will throw me away like some pile of dirt. 

"Look, I know this must fucking hurt but think about the long term. If you prolong this, feelings will get deeper and you will only end up getting more hurt. You have to stop whatever this is now before it gets too far." 

My phone beeps and I know he is the one instantly. He is the only one that would be messaging me right now. He is the only one I want to talk to, the one I want to be with, I just left him yesterday but I want to see him again "Tell him the truth Lance, tell him before you regret it." 

I ignore my best friend and open the notification from him. 

*How about that planned date gamer boy?* 

I know what he is talking about, we planned a date. One where we would officially have sex. He said he would come up with everything, things were supposed to be perfect but how do I show up now and act like everything is okay when I have this huge cloud looming over my head. 

Shit.