A fuck up

***

Sybil contemplated before the fire for a long time.

[UNIQUE MISSION: Increase your Spirit Partner's understanding of you. You cannot convey your own understanding of yourself to him through any means. Time limit: None.]

She pulled out the mission's details once more before closing it.

'It's okay to feel like shit. It's okay to be in the wrong as well. It's okay to make mistakes, be a fuck up. Just know I'll be there to go through it with you.'

Lorn's words echoed in her head. It wasn't a line Sybil ever heard before, even in books, but it felt terribly cheesy. Like something you would hear between drunk lovers in a tear-filled night.

Despite it all, she was surprised at how much she was affected by it. The whole day, her mind was occupied by it.

Part of her wanted to put Lorn's words to the test, but another part was desperately against it. Most of the time, the latter part won.

However, with the mission shoved into her face, Sybil felt obligated to do something. She knew that whatever she did, she was going to regret it. Halfway through whatever she did, she would want to stop. So she decided make the most of the situation.

Sighing, she spoke.

"I've never really talked about myself, did I?"

Sybil stared at Lorn as he looked over. He paused a bit, seemingly processing the information. Lorn did that sometimes, when people suddenly spoke to him.

Sybil didn't know what went through his head during those moments. It felt like he decided how he was going to approach the conversation before continuing. To either speak casually, to act with a motivation in mind, or to take things seriously.

"If you're comfortable," Lorn replied. "But you don't have to if you want."

He decided to act carefully. Sybil hated it when he was like that. Sometimes, when he interacted with Sybil, he would act like he was walking on eggshells. Never saying anything wrong, never pushing Sybil, always making sure that she was comfortable and safe.

"It's not like I'm gonna kill myself randomly, you know?" she said coldly.

Lorn flinched at that. He understood what Sybil meant.

"I'm sorry."

'I'm really on edge tonight...' Sybil thought. 'Argh!'

"It's fine," Sybil sighed. "Ugh, now the mood's ruined."

Lorn paused for a bit before asking. "What was your childhood like?"

'He's making things easier for me,' Sybil thought with a sigh. 'He's still acting cautious… Well, it's fine.'

"My childhood, huh… It was normal. Since I was an orphan I received slightly better education than most other children. Orphans in the Empire are treated much better than the average child. And they also have more opportunities available to them.

"Of course, that doesn't change the fact that we're envious of those who have their parents' love. Don't get me wrong, I love Mayor Eider who raised me no different than her own… but there was still something in my heart that yearned for more."

Lorn sat silently. He didn't frown sympathetically, nor did he look disinterested.

"Anyway, we received education. It was easy for me there. Most of the time, I spent reading the books in the library. The mayor always said that I was capable of standing above the rest if I just applied myself. That there was so much I could achieve. The places I could be.

"I did everything she asked me to, and of course, went back to my books. But I did follow her advice. On my sixteenth birthday, I applied to study in the University of Vexis, the most prestigious university in all of Vox. Every year, representatives of the university toured the country to receive promising students.

"Somehow, I managed to pass the preliminary exam. On the way, the potential students are taught and tested further, so they'll be up to par when they eventually arrive at their destination. A month in, I was disqualified and sent back to Silt."

Lorn's expression changed to one of understanding. But he kept his quiet.

Sybil's voice was turning deeper and quieter.

"I felt I was keeping up, but then one test came and I suddenly felt stuck. There was one subject I couldn't understand, Alchemy. It's complicated stuff, with who knows how many rules and exceptions attached to it. Since I couldn't understand the reasonings behind them all, I decided to give it up for the time being. It wasn't like the other subjects were so easy either.

"I went to talk with the representative. I asked them to give me one more chance, as I was sure to catch up to the rest if I just spent some time focusing on Alchemy. But he replied by showing me the test results for all the subjects. I did fail alchemy. I received a 38%. I clearly remember that. But what I didn't expect, was that I would fail half the other classes.

"It was a funny sight. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Even the subjects I felt I was doing good at, I barely managed a 70%. It all averaged out at 52%. Not even close to the 60% passing grade, so there was no negotiating for a second chance.

"I feel like I should know if I was doing so badly, but back then, I can only remember how confident I was in myself. I really couldn't understand what was happening."

Sybil had to pause. Her speech was faltering. She almost choked on a few sentences and her voice cracked a couple times. She didn't understand why she was so emotional talking about this.

"I came back to Silt soon after. I explained everything to the Mayor and she let me be for a bit. Afterwards, she started to teach me personally. I didn't know why, but she was obsessed with sending me to the Capital.

"She wasn't an easy teach, but we both expected to manage it somehow. But despite our hopes and optimism, I struggled to comprehend the subjects. She kept saying that I would be able to understand it if I just tried a little harder… but even after I applied myself I couldn't understand it. Mockingly, I even started to forget the things I already learned.

"She thought I was throwing a tantrum. She was furious. I was furious as well… but I was so, so confused. What was wrong with me?"

"…"

"I started to hate studying during that time I think. One day, the Mayor and I had a huge argument. It was an ugly mess where we hurled words we didn't mean at each other. Or maybe we did. At least some part of us thought hurtful things like that.

"I started avoiding her afterwards. Sometimes, she approached me, asking me if I wanted to continue where we left off. I avoided her even more because of it. I felt repulsed by the idea of continuing.

"I didn't even want to talk to her but I couldn't help but see her. I hated how small the world was. I wanted to go somewhere else, maybe to Belo or the Capital, but I didn't have the money.

"I barely scraped by doing odd jobs. None of them stuck for long. I either failed to meet standards, or at some point, I would just leave on my own. I was always distracted… But I managed. Somehow."

Sybil was having trouble breathing properly. She was just talking, but she was out of breath. She wanted to stop. Why was she doing this? Why throw this embarrassing mess to Lorn as well? Did she just want attention?

"Continue."

Lorn's voice was hard to describe. There was no care, nor caution in it. It also didn't sound cold or angry. Sybil couldn't describe it as emotionless either.

But she felt urged to continue speaking.

"The Mayor stopped mentioning studies afterwards. We slowly reconciled. She put me in an administrative position under her and I did that job for a couple years. Part of me knew that she saw me as a daughter and just wanted to be together… but I always felt small and awkward in her presence. I felt like I failed her somehow and now she was making concessions for me.

"A few of my friends at the orphanage also worked with me. They would joke about me, asking me what I was doing in little Silt. Wasn't I supposed to be at the Capital? … I knew they were joking. It's just… I don't know."

Tears threatened to fall from her eyes. Sybil didn't allow it. She suppressed her emotions.

A long pause ensued.

"I became a Hunter one morning. The people that made fun of me… their attitude got a bit better. 'So it was just your destiny to become a Hunter. No wonder nothing stuck with you,' they'd say. But soon enough, they went back to their old ways. I don't know what they thought of me afterwards.

"It took me a month and a half to reach E-rank. And another year to reach D-rank. Sure, most of it was because there were not many Possessed around Silt. I also wanted to receive the best benefits from my rank-ups. But no matter how I tried, I couldn't unlock special or unique branches. The only somewhat unique option I had was Gravity, so I chose that.

"However, I felt underwhelmed by my skills. It was just an ability to push and pull things. I felt like it didn't match me at all." Sybil made a strained chuckle. "I learned to love it way later on. But I was already a D-rank by then. I wasted so much time not practicing and just absorbing the souls I got my hand on and when I was ready, I ranked up without much thought.

"It was… self-destructive behavior, I think. I was growing much slower than others… and on top of that, I wasn't even growing that well. I'm catching up now, but I know that I'll never be able to reach the peak I could've reached. I…

Sybil choked before continuing what she was about to say. That she felt like she failed at becoming a Hunter as well.

'A disappointment…'

She felt embarrassed again. She didn't want to continue. Tears welled inside her eyes. She really wanted to cry. But her pride, shame, whatever it was, it didn't want her to cry. She bit her lips. The pain should've stopped her crying, but it didn't help.

"I don't know…"

She was sniffling. She yearned for something. Anything. She didn't know what she wanted. She just knew she needed something desperately.

She couldn't ask for it.

Her knees started shaking. Sybil curled up and buried her eyes onto her hands. It felt wet.

She heard a shuffle. A couple steps… and a hand on her shoulder. The hand slowly wrapped around her body and gently helped her lay down on her side. Her whole backside felt warm.

Some rocks poked at her, but she didn't dare move.

She hoped Lorn would say something, but there was only silence.

Sybil pushed back into the warmth. Lorn didn't avert her.

He was silent, but he was there with her, like he promised to be.