1 Fall

I found myself sinking into a sea of darkness, falling deeper and deeper and drowning in nothingness. My arms fell up, reaching for the skies, for a hand that would never come. Tears that were indiscernible from the ravaging waters fell. Why? I had long resolved myself to this outcome. So, why? Why do you fall? Why do you cry? For who do you cry?

"Why?" The voice inside cried. And I understood. It was you who cried, for me who have lost all hope, you are crying. Despite myself, a pained smile crept up my face. To die with a smile, it might not be so bad after all.

"I sealed them away. So why? Why are you still so broken?" The voice inside questioned.

It was a rather foolish question. He had accompanied since forever. He knew me best. Yet, he acts like he doesn't. He acts like he cannot understand despite knowing full well that he does.

"I thought it would work. Everything that hurt, I hid them away. I hurt in your stead, so why? Why do you still hurt?" The tears continued to fall, an ache in my heart intensifying. He was sad, he was sad on my behalf. For me who couldn't cry, he cried in my stead.

I closed my eyes, shutting out that abyss of darkness and went to him. He was here, inside my heart. A wounded and broken child. I was big, he was small, so delicate and fragile. Innocent and honest, wholeheartedly wishing for my happiness. But I failed him, and here he was, hugging himself as he cried in sorrow and regret.

Don't cry. Please don't cry. It hurts me to see you cry.

I hugged his small body, embracing that weak body. With a face like my own, only younger and full of emotion, don't cry. Don't be hurt. Everything will be okay now. Nothing can hurt us anymore. So, please, don't cry.

"This is escapism. Nothing will resolve itself by you doing this." Those thin arms pushed me away and he glared at me. Red eyes full of tears. A pointed gaze. "If you just waited, waited a little longer, then maybe, just maybe, something would've changed. But you didn't! And now…now you fall alone into the abyss of nothingness."

I waited, waited for so very long, until I just couldn't handle it anymore. The harrowing emptiness inside kept gnawing at me, I couldn't ignore it. Everything lacked meaning, it was as if the world had lost its light. This cold dark world, I cannot bear it no more.

"Maybe if you had tried, tried to light a fire within, then it wouldn't had been so cold and dark. If you had asked for help, reached out beyond what hurt you, then, none of this would've happened." Those eyes were accusing, full of blame for me and for himself. "If you had just said something."

I was afraid. Much too afraid. In this world where there was no one, what difference would healing have? If this hollow heart could be filled up, then surely, all the lonesomeness and pain would come flooding in. And it would just get hurt once more, by the same thing that hurt it once before.

"But, I wanted you to live. To live in a world beyond the pain. If that world was filled only with pain, you could have left for another. Find new people, live a new life, a life full of happiness."

We've tried once before but it didn't work. Are you not evidence of this?

He grit his teeth in anguish. "I thought that, maybe, this time would be different. I thought we could be saved."

But alas, we have not. So, close your eyes, and become one with me once more. Together, we shall fall into the abyss of the forgotten, and we will face it…together.

I hugged his trembling body and I noticed that I too was shaking. For what were we shaking? As I pondered, his body scattered into lights and dissolved into mine. The lost memories, the pain, the scattered pieces that he hid away to protect me, I accepted them all. And I understood, why he had been so sad, so distressed. And, all the more, I felt that my actions were correct. To live with a scarred body and wounded heart, was that not more heart wrenching than to leave peacefully? And so, I fell, yearning yet content.

"Alan!" A panicked, fearful, ever so sorrowful voice called my name. Alan, Alan, Alan. Since when had my name been called so endearingly? I don't know. It's been too long. I can't remember how it felt to hear it chime in my ears. To hear the affection soaked into my name, it was nice, like honey, so very sweet.

A tug pulled on my hand. A very warm hand held mine. Those fingers interlaced with my own, transmitting its warmth, shaking with emotion yet firm. I opened my eyes and see another pair. So clear and so beautiful.

Ah, it is you. My light.

I smiled.