4 Chapter 4

Katsuki dealt with it relatively well. He went to the gym and punched things for about four hours until his knuckles were bloody and his arms shaking. Then he went home and meditated on how he was a massive fuckup, and should never have spoken to anyone or possibly shouldn't even have existed in the first place. Maybe Izuku would actually be happier if Katsuki had never existed. No, he definitely would be happier. Katsuki was a net negative in Izuku's life, and it made him want to put his head in his hands and set off his strongest explosion.

He didn't sleep that night, and by 4 AM he'd realized that no matter how much he should, he couldn't let Deku go again. At least, not so easily. But he was all too aware that in this case, he was the fucking villain. Deku wanted to be left alone, and Katsuki would do what he wanted. He just had to put something out there, some chance that maybe Deku would forgive him.

Bakugou Katsuki: Izuku, I'm really sorry. I'm here if you want to talk about it or have any questions. Or I can just shut the fuck up and listen. Just please let me have a chance to properly apologize to you.

He was shocked to get a quick reply, so shocked he nearly exploded his goddamn phone.

Midoriya Izuku (Deku): FUCKK OF

Izuku barely remembered the exchange. He felt hungover the next day, like a soggy shell of himself. He picked up his phone, looking at it blandly.

Kacchan: Izuku, I'm really sorry. I'm here if you want to talk about it or have any questions. Or I can just shut the fuck up and listen. Just please let me have a chance to properly apologize to you.

Izuku: FUCKK OF

He was too emotionally drained to care what he'd texted Katsuki. Maybe if it hadn't been 4 AM, he'd have replied more nicely. Or at least with correct spelling.

He was drained, physically and emotionally. He'd made a huge mistake. It was too painful to see Katsuki, after everything. He managed to get through the entire process of waking up, showering, and making black tea before he started crying again.

And Izuku felt like shit. He was torn, so torn. There'd been a time when learning Katsuki had kissed him would have made his whole life. He was so frustrated he couldn't remember what it felt like to kiss Katsuki. And even worse, Katsuki apparently hadn't cared? Kissing Izuku had meant nothing to him? So what if he was sorry now?

Izuku was just massively disappointed, and angry with himself. He should have known better than to go chasing after Katsuki again. He was older now. He knew better, damn it. Izuku ran through his familiar morning routines, calming himself. He took a slow jog to the HQ's gym, and carefully ran through warm-ups. Izuku treated his body with the utmost care, always stretching, warming up slowly, then intensifying his workout. The steam room came after, then the final stretches. Lunch was usually from the local market, and then he'd drop by the office in case there was paperwork.

Finally, he ran out of routine. And Katsuki had kissed him.

He might have overreacted a little, last night. Izuku hated becoming emotional, but he was growing to accept it was just a part of who he was, and Katsuki had always brought it out in him.

Finally conceding defeat, he called Shouto. Shouto was arguably his closest friend. He spent the most time with Uraraka, but it was with Shouto that he had the deepest conversations. He could count on Uraraka to champion him, but Shouto would call him on his shit. He perched on his balcony, unafraid of falling. His friend picked up on the 5th ring.

"Deku?"

"You weren't my first kiss," Izuku said, straight to the point. Small talk was generally wasted on Shouto, after all. There's a pause on the line.

"I know. It was Katsuki, right?"

"You knew?" Izuku half-shrieked, precariously leaning over the edge before regaining his balance. It was the last thing he'd expected.

"You didn't?" Shouto sounded amused, then concerned. "Wait, why are you bringing this up now?"

"Katsuki told me last night," Izuku muttered.

"Huh," Shouto said, which was about his equivalent of shouting. "He's back, then?"

"He was," Izuku sighed. "But he, I don't even, he didn't, god I'm such a mess. I didn't want my first kiss to be like that, you know?"

"It looked nice enough to me," Shouto said, calmly. He may as well have smacked Izuku across the face with a brick.

"Nice? How?"

"I'm guessing you don't remember it. We were all too drunk that night, if I remember correctly. None of us could hold our alcohol. Deku, how can I help you?"

Izuku sighed heavily. Shouto had an undeniable calming effect on him, but sometimes it was like talking to a wall. He needed to be instructed on how to interact, and while normally Izuku was more than happy to provide that, sometimes he didn't have the emotional bandwidth.

"You're right," he said, stopping himself from whining. "I don't remember it, and that really bothers me. Maybe you could tell me what happened?"

"Sure. I didn't see that much. You were off in a corner, weirdly quiet. Really I just saw him lean in and kiss you for a few seconds."

"A few seconds," Izuku coughed.

"Yes. Then you left, and he followed you. Does that help?"

"Ugh," was all Izuku could say. "Thank you."

"Anytime. It's strange that Katsuki would come back now, though."

"What do you mean?"

"He just seems pretty busy," Shouto mused. "We keep up, but he never said anything about getting in touch with you."

That also kind of hurt. "It hasn't been that long, and it was an accident. I ran into him and wanted to catch up, is all."

"So he agreed, then," came the quiet reply. Izuku tried not to be impatient.

"Yes, and it was a horrible idea," Izuku added, a little spitefully. It felt wrong to be spiteful on such a nice day, but Izuku was a strong, independent man. He could feel spiteful in any weather if he wanted to. "I'm done with him now," he added, the words tentative. It was surprisingly hard to say.

"Oh," Shouto said. "Well, it's up to you. I'm sure he'll be there if you want him."

If Izuku wanted him. It was impossible not to want him. God, that had been seven years ago. Was he really going to throw this away for one mistake from nearly a decade ago? With a massive sigh, Izuku decided he was being dramatic. Sure, Katsuki could have handled the conversation better, but Izuku begrudgingly acknowledged that at least he'd been willing to talk. It was Izuku who'd run out.

Without paying. Great, now he felt guilty too.

Izuku: Ok, we can talk

He waited for the reply. If the past was any indicator, it should be coming any second. But it didn't, and the ache in Izuku's chest was getting worse.

He spent an hour uselessly puttering around the apartment until his phone rang. He raced to it, snatching it off the counter.

It was work. There was an emergency: apparently some idiot villain had overloaded his quick in the wrong area and a massive wave was heading towards a beach. He had twenty minutes to get there.

Izuku got there in fifteen, armed and ready. He dropped by the temporary triage station, already full of frightened citizens. His heart lurched. There were just so many still in the water. His orders were to get everyone out that he could. There was already a team after the villain, apparently.

Full Cowling took over, and Izuku jumped clear to the water, soaring over tents, the street, the beach. In the air, he could analyze where he was needed first. To the north he spotted Ururaka, swimming for land with ten people suspended in the air above her. She was incredible.

Izuku landed in the surf with a splash. He went to help a family carry their four kids, and after that, an elderly woman stuck in her innertube, and it became a blur. An hour of constant running in Full Cowling could wear even Izuku out, but they got everyone out. Every hero that could be useful was there, all exhausted and dripping. The sounds of people crying was drowned out by the huge wave crashing on the beach, and rushing up past the road and through a couple of ice cream stands. People screamed, even though they were safe in their vantage point. Izuku was getting a headache.

He met up with Uraraka and Iida in the check-in, grabbing the forms for debrief. In cases like this, it was pointless to debrief everyone individually.

Izuku was almost finished by the time Katsuki walked in. Murmurs followed him, and Izuku soon realized why. He and Onito were dragging someone behind them. The guy looked half-dead. Was he a survivor that had been left in the surf?

Katsuki hefted him by the back of his shirt and tossed him in front of the desk. "Here's the guy," he barked, then spat on the ground. "Fucking seawater."

The man in question made some sort of blubbering noise. Izuku wondered who'd made the choice to set a guy who dealt with explosions against someone who could cause a tidal wave. Katsuki looked like a drowned cat, hair dripping into his eyes, knuckles bloody. Izuku knew it was pointless, but he was worried about him.

Katsuki turned to go, but the clerk shouted after him, "Ground Zero! Quit slinking out and debrief."

He must have been tired, because he didn't even snap back a retort. His eyes caught on Izuku's as he headed to the back of the tent, and he gave him a small nod. Izuku's heart twisted. Damn it, he missed him already.

He loitered only a little, hoping for another glimpse of Katsuki, but gave up quickly. He was too tired after having barely slept the night before. He even turned down an invitation from Uraraka to go get udon, which was a travesty all by itself.

At home, he switched on the news, hoping to learn more about the villain. There was an image of a reporter talking for a moment, then it cut to a replay of the fight. Ground Zero and Fishury were on screen, as tiny figures chasing someone down the beach. Some daring helicopter swooped in, just in time to catch the action.

Ground Zero jetted forwards, propelled by a massive, continuous explosion. Izuku knew the move - it was one Katsuki hadn't been able to do when they were kids, the stress on his arms being too much. Now, though, he rocketed forwards over sixty feet, smoke and fire trailing behind him. Fishury trailed behind him, diving into the surf to swim. Fishury, or Onito. Izuku curled up on the couch, eyes glued to the screen.

Ground Zero landed in front of a villain like a comet, making a glassy crater in the sand. Another explosion, and he was shooting towards the villain.

Instead of an explosion on impact, though, water swelled and covered them both. Izuku's hands flew to his mouth, despite already knowing the outcome. The water shifted and bubbled. Helicopters circled, and a reporter's voice offscreen said something about the boiling point of seawater.

Then the water was bubbling, no, boiling. Izuku was in awe. The reporters didn't seem particularly impressed, but did they not know the massive amount of effort it'd take to heat that much water? While holding your breath? What felt like an eternity later, a huge plume of water shot upwards, then it all washed away, revealing the prone villain and Ground Zero on his hands and knees. Fishury crawled out of the water, looking-half dead. Izuku realized they'd made a fundamental tactical error. Sending someone who relies on water against someone who can apparently control it?

He wanted words with whoever assigned missions in Katsuki's sector.

Apparently noticing he was on camera, Ground Zero pulled himself up off the ground, coughed, and flipped off the cameras. Izuku's heart felt tight, as it always did watching him do hero work. He worked so hard, but all people wanted to look at was his fiery temper. They should appreciate him for how hard he tried, how many people he saved - not how many times he'd cursed at government officials.

The screen cut away, and Izuku found himself staring emptily at it. He checked his phone again. Nothing. Maybe Katsuki was still debriefing?

Maybe he'd never text Izuku again.

By the next morning, Izuku was irritated. He'd been called into work, which was a good thing. It kept his mind off of his phone screen, which remained stubbornly empty of notifications from Kacchan. Who sent such a well-written text begging to talk, then refused to text him back?

He gave in on his walk home, and called him. The number rang, rang, rang. The answering tone, Katsuki's voice snapping, "If I sent you to voicemail, get the fucking message and get lost, loser."

What a hero. Izuku was smiling at his phone until he realized he'd reached voicemail. He was the loser who should get lost. He was lost in thought enough that he didn't notice the figure in front of his building until he nearly ran into him. Black jeans, high-tops, and an enormous puffy jacket with a furry trim on the hood. Even with the face in shadow, Izuku knew who it was. He froze.

"Yo," Katsuki said, raising his hand. "Phone got wasted by the shitty villain, so I'm just giving you my new number." He thrust a paper at Izuku, who took it, mind racing. It was impossible to read Katsuki's expression behind the huge aviators. How long had he been waiting? He swallowed, trying to pull himself together, but Katsuki was already turning to leave.

Already?

"Wait!" Izuku shouted. Katsuki turned, hands in his pockets. "Did you get my text?"

He shook his head. Izuku swallowed. It was harder to do this in person. "I wanted to talk," he said, clenching his fists.

"Sure," said Katsuki. Izuku was instantly transported back to when they'd first run into each other. Katsuki and his 'sures' were going to be the death of him.

"Sorry for running off without paying," Izuku said, straightening his posture. Katsuki barked out a laugh.

"What the fuck, Deku."

"Shouldn't have done that," Izuku said, refusing to be swallowed by embarrassment. Katsuki pinched the bridge of his nose.

"You drive me up a fucking wall. That's what you wanted to talk about?"

"No," Izuku said quickly. "Come inside?"

"I'd love to," Katsuki said, half-sarcastic, with a voice full of gravel.

Soon enough, Katsuki was perched on one of his barstools, puffy jacket and all. He reminded Izuku bizarrely of an angry, puffed-up bird. He put his sunglasses carefully on the counter, the clink of metal on marble too loud. An awkward silence stretched.

Feeling kind of like an asshole, Izuku sat on the back of his couch and faced down his former friend. "So, you wanted to apologize."

"Fuckin' yep." Katsuki cracked his knuckles, shifting in his seat like he'd rather be anywhere but exactly where he was. Izuku waited. And waited. Finally, he gave in.

"You okay? After the whole beach thing? It looked pretty bad."

"Pretty bad?" Katsuki was outraged. "I was fucking awesome, nerd. You ever tried to blow up shit underwater?"

"You were cool," Izuku corrected himself without thinking. A grin slapped itself across Katsuki's face instantly. "Looked like a hard fight."

"S'right," he said, making miniature explosions dance across his palm. "HQ interrogated me for five goddamn hours after that, for fuck's sake."

Then a pause. "I didn't come here for that bullshit, though. I owe you an apology. Or an explanation, fuck if I know."

Izuku could hear his heartbeat in his ears. He didn't really want it to be like this. It felt wrong, to force Katsuki to apologize for something from so long ago, but it had hurt, damn it.

"I'm sorry, Deku. For kissing you without permission, for never talking to you about it, and for being an asshole to you for so long. You didn't deserve any of it."

Izuku felt himself tearing up. The words were hard to hear, after so long of hardening his heart to it. It reminded him of the day after their graduation. Katsuki had approached him and said largely the same thing, but relatively less sincerely. And without the bit about kissing. Izuku had said he'd forgiven him, because what else would Izuku say? Regardless of whether it was true or not, Izuku wasn't about to admit he'd hold a grudge against anyone. Still, after that first apology, Izuku had hidden in a janitorial closet and sobbed next to some mops. He refused to do that now.

Apparently the silence had stretched for too long, because Katsuki folded his arms and lifted his chin.

"Look, Deku, I want to be friends again. Be back in your fucking life, but I'm not interested in spending all my fucking time groveling. It's been a long ass time, and it's up to you if you want to move on."

Izuku's lips parted. He hadn't expected something like this. Maybe he had expected Katsuki to just grovel endlessly. Before he could marshal his thoughts, Katsuki continued.

"I've got my own shit going on, okay? Work, friends, all of that. So do you. We don't have to do this, if it's too damn painful for you. M'not interested in dragging all that old shit around. So if I can make this better, tell me how, and I'll do it. But only if it's going to fucking make things better."

It was overwhelming really, to be stared down by Bakugou Katsuki. Even if he was apologizing to you. Especially if he was apologizing to you. Izuku's fingers were digging into his knees, and he tried to control his emotions. He wanted to go cry somewhere, maybe shout something, but he couldn't. Not if Bakugou fucking Katsuki had managed to cough up a real apology. He at least deserved a good answer.

"I'm not just sorry for running off without paying," Isuku said, proud his voice was only shaking slightly. "I'm sorry for running off without giving you a chance to talk. It's not how I want to be, as a person, you know? I think sometimes you bring out, I don't know. How I used to be back then, when even the slightest thing would overwhelm me."

"Huh."

"I'm not really that mad," Izuku sighed. "Just kind of sad, I guess. Kind of confused maybe?"

"Confused about what?"

Izuku stared at him. Maybe Katsuki was stupid after all. "About why you would kiss me? I thought you hated me back then? I actually thought you never stopped hating me, really. And um," he flushed, hating his need to be honest, "I don't like that I don't know what happened. That I can't remember it, what it was like. Did I like it? Hate it? I don't know! And why wouldn't you tell me? How did it never come up?"

Katsuki barked out a laugh. "Deku. How the fuck would I have brought that up? 'Hey nerd, I kissed you last night and you hated it so much you screamed at me after, thought maybe you wanted to chat about it?' And don't forget I was still too fucking proud for my own good, too."

"So I hated it, then," Izuku murmured. That didn't sound right. Katsuki shrugged.

"Dunno. You want to hear about it?"

"Y-yes," Izuku said, trying to ignore the feelings arising at the idea of Katsuki describing kissing him. Maybe he did deserve to have 'got a boner for explosions' carved on his headstone after this conversation fucking killed him.

"Can't say I remember it perfectly, 'cause my dumb ass thought drinking a fifth of Fireball would be a good idea."

"Kacchan, oh my god," Izuku blurted. "That would give you alcohol poisoning! You were a kid!"

He snorted. "Yeah, I spent that night throwing up. Fucking Kaminari, man. Anyway, I got it in my stupid head to kiss you. You were kind of off that night. I thought you were just being quiet, but turns out you were also trying to hide how wasted you were. Anyway, I went up and said something stupid like, um, 'I'm kissing you, nerd,' I think it was-"

Izuku snorted so loud that Katsuki jumped, then scowled at him, "Hey, I thought it was a good idea at the time."

"I'm kissing you, nerd?" Izuku repeated, starting to giggle. "Oh my god, Kacchan, what was that?"

Katsuki rubbed his face, clearly being extremely patient at great cost to his temper. Despite a newfound love of teasing Katsuki, Izuku had mercy on him. "Sorry, sorry, keep going."

"Then I fucking kissed you. For a second or two. Thought you were kissing back, actually," he mumbled. "But then you pushed me off and ran. I followed you, and you turned around and told me exactly how much you hated me, how many horrible things I did to you, explained why I didn't have the right to touch you let alone kiss you, and then told me to leave you alone and never talk to you again."

Izuku blinked at him.

"So that's what I did. Left you alone, that is. Or I fucking tried, anyway. You weren't following your own damn instructions and I didn't know how the hell to act around you."

"That um, explains a lot," Izuku said, tone wondering. "I always wondered why you started ignoring me."

Katsuki shrugged. "Now you know."

"It was still a dick move to tell me it meant nothing to you," Izuku said, hating how petulant he sounded.

"I didn't say that-"

"Last night. You did."

Katsuki stared, then groaned. "Jesus Christ Deku, I didn't mean it like that. I meant that it didn't have to mean anything to you . If you want your first kiss to be fucking Todoroki, then it can be. You didn't ask for me to kiss you, hell, you don't even remember it. Don't see why you have to acknowledge it even happened if you don't want to."

"I-" Izuku tried to say, but Katsuki jabbed a finger at him.

"I'm not done," he snarled. "Don't get your shitty head twisted. It meant a lot to me . Fucking changed my fucking life. What you said that night was the whole goddamn reason I started trying not to be a walking shitstain, got it?"

Izuku's mouth dropped open. He could feel the blood rushing to his face. It had meant something to Katsuki. He was starting to feel both strangely flattered, and also really sad. He felt an overwhelming sense of loss for something he'd never known he had.

"I just don't understand why you did it," he finally managed to say. Katsuki swallowed.

"Fine. I'll say it once, but you gotta appreciate my fucking effort," he said, a little sharply. Then he sighed, leaning back. "S'fucking embarrassing. Second year of UA, didn't know myself for shit. All I cared about was fighting and winning. Except you were there, ruining my goddamn focus. I hated you for it. Didn't know I was just a fucking horny, bisexual teenager. Took me the entire fucking year to realize what I wanted to do to you. I think I tried to be nicer at some point, but I doubt it showed. Guess I thought I'd done enough to kiss you. Like, you'd always acted like you cared about me. Always telling me I was amazing, shit like that. Thought you wouldn't mind it. Fireball took care of the rest."

"Hmmm," Izuku choked out. What he wanted to do to Izuku? Katsuki had been attracted to him? Even for just a year? At all? Ever? He hummed again, trying to pull his brain into working order.

"So yeah. Sorry I did such a shitty job of kissing you."

"Huh," Izuku coughed. It took literally all his willpower not to shout 'Then make it up to me with a proper kiss!' Because regardless of the past, Katsuki had clearly moved on. So had he, for fuck's sake. He'd had a couple of relationships. He knew his way around love and sex and… and then there was Katsuki.

Katsuki, sitting in his kitchen, staring at him. Waiting for him to say something.

"Okay," Izuku said.

"Okay, fucking what, " Katsuki growled.

"I mean, it sounds okay. Kind of dramatic, but I'll take it for a first kiss." Izuku shrugged, trying to sound casual. Katsuki's mouth dropped open.

"You fucking rating my first kiss?" Oh, that's right. He'd been Katsuki's first kiss, too. That was enough to fry his entire nervous system. But damn. Bakugou Katsuki's first kiss. It gave him enough of a rush that he couldn't resist teasing the man.

"2/10 for execution," Izuku grinned. Katsuki's face darkened considerably. Then Izuku added, "But 9/10 for dramatic retelling seven years later! That gives us an average of 5.5/10. I'd give Shouto's a good 9.5/10, for reference."

Katsuki made some sort of choking growl, slipped off the stool, and slammed both hands on either side of Izuku. Izuku hoped he wouldn't find burn marks on his couch later. Katsuki was staring up at him, lips parted, eyes narrowed. He looked like he was about to go in for the kill.

" Fuck Todoroki. I fucking kiss a thousand out of ten now, Deku." He sharply annunciated each syllable, eyes heated. "You'd be fucking blessed to have me kiss you," he added with a snarl. Then he whipped away, stalking towards the door.

Izuku slowly reclaimed his brain from Katsuki-induced static. "Yeah, I'd be blessed," he whispered helplessly. Katsuki looked at him, head tilted.

"What was that?" Izuku shook his head wordlessly. Apparently Katsuki had been profoundly less affected than Izuku by what had happened, because he just shrugged. "So, we good?"

"Good," Izuku repeated, still reeling. He wanted a thousand out of ten kiss. Badly. Or even just a thousand 5.5/10 kisses. Anything that involved Katsuki's mouth on his, Izuku would take, he wasn't picky. It was taking all his willpower not to demand it right now, but things were so tenuous with Katsuki that he didn't dare to risk it. After all of this, he really couldn't bear to lose him again. So he wouldn't. No matter how it hurt, how much he yearned for more, he wasn't going to risk what they were trying to build.

Katsuki pulled on his shoes, then looked up at Izuku. "Friends?" He asked, voice quiet. Izuku's heart lurched.

"Always, Kacchan," he said quickly, sincerely, the words slipping out before he could even think about it. Then, to his eternal shock, Katsuki blushed. Hard. Izuku was pretty sure he'd never seen him blush before, but now his entire neck and face were bright red. Katsuki flipped his hood up.

"Sentimental bullshit," he murmured, then said. "See ya 'round, nerd." The door slammed behind him.

"I'm fucked," Izuku told the door, because he was definitely fucked. He thought he'd had a crush on Katsuki before? Ha. Hilarious. That was nothing compared to now. Gods above, he wanted that man in every imaginable way. He wanted to make him blush, to make him smile, to make him moan, to make him c-

Izuku took a cold shower, then spent the night trying not to text Katsuki a thousand times, only barely succeeding.

A thousand out of ten.

What would that kiss be like? It was too easy to imagine Katsuki kissing him. He'd be rough, then achingly gentle, sharp teeth, red eyes…

Izuku had two cold showers that night.

Always? What kind of fucking reply was that?

Katsuki left Deku's apartment at a half-jog, head spinning. He desperately needed to put some distance between them. He'd literally just apologized for kissing him when they were seventeen, and he'd almost fucking kissed the idiot again . In the same conversation. Aggressively. And even worse, he wanted to do so much more than just kiss. All it took was seeing him again, all fucking grown up and fucking beautiful, and Katsuki wanted to destroy him. To make Deku his, once and for all, even when he had no fucking right to want that. Damn, he was so fucking possessive, and way too turned on. He slowed to a walk about three blocks from Deku's place, and slapped his own cheeks.

When was he ever going to goddamn learn? Deku was dangerous. Deku's green-ass eyes and soft lips and broad shoulders and shitty freckles were dangerous. Deciding to spend time around Deku was going to fucking end him. If that idiot kept pushing him, he was going to snap and actually go for it, and then he'd actually ruin everything. He'd just barely talked his way out of the misguided kiss from seven years ago, for fuck's sake!

Katsuki was trying his best, but he only had so much self-control. Good thing he always liked playing with fire, right?

Also, 5.5/10? What the fuck, Deku?