1 part 1
Chapter 1
People have been saying I am a crazy one, you can say that as well. Time been really moving fast and nothing so far has had much meaning. I am really trying my best to make this work but things are not falling into place. To think of it I would say I am the only one unlucky enough to go through all these. Everyone out here though has their own story. And this is mine.
it is just me actually. A loner, out here alone trying to make ends meet. Not that there is no one looking out for me out here, it is just that I prefer to keep all this personal. I would not let anyone in. this is how it has been for a long time now. Trust is one hard jewel to come by this age. It is all a blind walk in the dark where you would not know what you will run into. You not even sure which part of your body hits something first and honestly I would rather no take that blind walk in the dark. I do not want to get hurt; no one wants to.
I am all about watching out. I would not know where a bullet flies in from. We are all making our choices and I made mine a long time ago. I was going to do this all alone all time. I did not need anyone to look out for me. Honestly, it has been great all along. Watching people make wrong choices, getting hurt, and helping them to their feet and life going on. Why do people keep getting hurt? Do we really need to be responsible for the decisions we make? I really do feel the pain people go through and there is nothing I can do about it. Yes it hurts. These people need to be looked out for.
What can I do? I feel like it is just me who feels this. Everyone out here is minding their own business. No one cares to know why the person you've been meeting every day while you go to work on the same bus is all gloomy today. No one cares to know why the self-made white blonde who always sits at the back of the bus has a sore eye today. Wait a minute. Who are these coming towards me? Why are these people looking at me? Is that a knife? "You need to get lost… Now!" This one is howling at me while showing me the rusty knife tucked in his blue jeans. He has a bad breadth for a start and I have never seen them in this bus before.
I am a quiet person. I am not used to talking back. All I do is listen and then build a profile of you in my mind. These four men are showing me a knife so that I can vacate my seat. I have been sitting on this seat for the past one year I have been going to work. Why are people not nice to each other? Why does it have to be this way? Do we have to signal people with knives to vacate seats for us in a bus? There is plenty of space in the bus for a whole jury to fit in comfortably. I do not know why they had to come take this seat from me. I feel bad honestly. I feel hurt. It is like taking a part of me. No one cares. They are all looking at me get thrown out of my seat quietly like I deserved it. Most of the people here have been riding this bus with me for quite a long time and I can actually know what they are going to wear tomorrow. I do not know their names. We never talk in this bus. It is like a haunted bus.
I get myself a seat next to the self-made blonde. She is sad. She ever is sad. But today she has a sore eye and a cut on her right cheek. I am looking at her. We cannot talk about it. It is like a code with us this days. We let people suffer in their own misery. We are too obsessed with our own self. Selfish to our needs. Not caring about any other person but us.
The bus bell dings and it is time to alight. I leave the bus station and head to my place of work. Nothing has changed overnight. There are used condoms just where I found a drunk pair yesterday at night digging into each other madly on the side walk. Like it is just happening right now I see the man shout at me for passing through that alley like it was my mistake for using that alley home and running into them having a moment of their life on the side walk? I had walked away without saying a word that night and I had left them to have their fun moaning really loud like they were rehearsing for something big.
Deep in thought I walk away from that place. The cold morning breeze softly brushing against my cheeks. I have to put my hands in my trench pockets to prevent it from blown carried backwards. I run into Baraza. He has been a beggar at this exact spot since I got here. He literally stays here. He folding his belonging and tucking them into his dirty green canvas bag. I have always felt like he is transforming his bedroom into his cash office since he will stay here the whole day with his bowl asking for money from by passers. As always I am usually his first customer and I place the change left in my pocket in his bowl.
He thanks me and blesses my day and I smile back as always. The one thing with him he has never repeated the same words he told me the day before the whole time we've had our morning sessions. He is a nice person. Really nice. I would one day want to know much about him. He seems learned, has good English and really good with jokes. it is not long before I am at Jumbo car hire. I have been here since the second week I got to this city. The night guard is preparing for a shift change and I find him impatiently waiting for the day watch man to come and release him. He is a man of few words and as soon as our eyes meet he wears a smile on his face.
Seems like am the first person he has seen after a whole quiet lonely night there at the building. He waves at me and wishes me a great day ahead. I have never answered to his greetings. All I have ever done is smile and wave back the entire time. I have always preferred using the flight of stairs up to the fifth floor to the lift. It always feels healthy. It feels safer actually. Trusting the thing that will carry me up in air up to the floor I want has really been hard. I recall the first time I was excited about the whole process and I got myself into one. We actually should not talk about that. Right now there is a myriad of thoughts rummaging through my brain as I run up the stair case. This happens every morning and I have always promised myself to put it all down in paper once I get to the book store. It has never happened because every time I get to work a lot of activities follow and there is hardly time for this. But I promise I will tell you someday, soon enough.
Am at the door, fifth floor, everything all quiet. I let myself into the reception. Sarafi is here, most days she is the first person I run into every morning I sign in. I have never got to know about her shift change since every day I leave work she is never at the front desk. She is in a better mood today, yesterday there was a sad face on her which I only get to notice. Feels like part of the job training is always putting on that smiley welcoming face whenever you are at your job. I have my way with noticing what is underlying that smiley face. Do not worry I will not ask her what happened. I have never asked anyone and I am not about to start. I throw my cliché grin at her and wave as I use my access card on the door to the other part of the offices. It feels and looks the same as always. Blue themed, the flower pots still in the same place as they have always been. Does it not feel distressing and unsatisfactory residing in the same place always? Waiting for someone else to elucidate most of your problems for you. These beautiful potted plants have to be watered, there is someone to do that but well…wouldn't hurt helping out. Which I always do and she has never thanked me for helping her do that. At least not vocally or anything close to that.
I head to my not so big office, this is my little haven. I am always here most of my daytime and this is where I get to have the pleasure of foreseeing what happens in the outside world. First, my computer has to be turned on, there is a couple of big screens in front of me, and there is a soft whirling sound from the machines as they start. I have to admit it is calming listening to that soft sound.
For the rest of the day today I have to stay glued to the screen monitoring if the car trackers on every rented car will be having that green marker, well rented cars have to be within the territory they were rented to be used in. I am almost forgetting that I also have to put up with my annoying supervisor, late lunch, filling in some puzzles in the daily newspaper every department receives. That to me is fun. I love doing all this. I love being here. And I feel this is way calmer than anything else.
Unluckily today my colleague is not coming in and I am all alone today glued to the monitors. Feels bad kind of. I like it when the annoying always chewing lass is here. Calling me irrelevant names, starting pointless conversations which most times are annoying and complaining about almost anything and everything. She is saying that she has to deal with a family emergency but I know right. Every time this happens she comes back to work a week later with a healing injury. She never talks about it. Behind that beautiful face and perfect relationship theory there is an abusive husband who batters her, he has come to the office a number of times when he needs money and she always laughs it off with me making some lame excuse about it. It really is not any of my business. It is her money and her marriage and I am the office introvert lending her an ear to all her problems.
Nothing out of the ordinary green blinks on the huge screens happens today. It actually almost never does. No vehicles break down today, no one who rented a car is trying to cross the border, no accidents. I can count the number of times the green blinks have turned red or amber. Well it is a console that in this really crazy world people who rent cars tend to be really careful with them. The first time I remember is this one particular day someone rented a car and apparently went to see another lady who is not his wife with it. Office tittle-tattle has it that the wife had found out of the scheme and had followed the guy to the estate he was and smashed the car with a bat.
With a broken windshield the car impact tracker got triggered and that was the first time I had the green blinks turn red. The rest are all minor times. Not that people are not cheating on their significant others: it is just that they have devised more sophisticated ways so as not to get caught in the act. Plus most couples are cheating on each other and well it is a lesser concern than it was ages back.
The day is coming to an end, its has been really quiet today. I just realized it feels awfully quiet with my office mate not around. Somehow I do miss listening to her rant about everything the entire day. Tomorrow is another day. I tell myself as I pack to leave. With my pc in my bag I leave. It has the monitoring program in it since I still have to be on call in the case of an issue with the rented cars.
Out into the world. I would say everyone in this street has become my friend- but they do not know that, since I got here. I know much about them just by watching what they do every day. I feel their pain, I feel their joy, I see them fight and make up, I see them lose hope and I have always wanted the power to step in and make things right for them. Baraza is in his humble abode getting ready to close business as every other day. I buy him a hot dog and as I wish him a goodnight he hands me a bible. It is old; as expected, he smiles at me and thanks me for being good to him always. I smile at him and I put the old bible into my bag. I leave him there and I head off to the bus station.
The drunk couple is not here today. That is sad. I would have liked to have another episode of yesterday's drama today. Anyway, there is always a tomorrow. I am a good listener, talking back has never been in me though. I long to get someone to listen to. But I will not talk back. Is that ineffective? I do think about it but then I see no harm in it. I have nothing to complain about, I have no good news to share, and no one is troubling me so that I will tell on them to you. That's me. I like it this way.
Fifth time this month and the bus is late. We are all seated waiting for it to show up. Everyone waiting to get into the bus is quiet. What is with this people? She is smoking over there alone, he is ever on his phone over here, she is also ever on her phone while seated there and I am always watching them from this chair alone. No one seats here with me. It is like they were told never to sit here. Or they are afraid of me.
Either way I am used to people referring me to as that freak. From back in my entire school life. Apparently because I never got to talk to them or play their stupid games. In class I used to sit at the back alone looking at everyone in front doing their thing. A couple of times I would hear new pupils get discouraged of getting to sit with me. They were warned on never being popular if they associated with me. Why would someone want to be popular in school? Why would you want to be friends with everyone in school? What is with this misguided stereotype?
I do not know what to think about everything but I am lucky though I have my seat this time. Those scary men are not here again to take this seat from me. Wait a minute! They are here. I see the walk into the bus station, they pace around and finally the three of them head towards my seat. What is with this people? I ask myself as they again signal me with the knife to vacate the seat for them. Honestly all this is turning into a routine I do not appreciate. Unluckily, I cannot talk to them.
Who would want to stand up against three scary men just for a seat? Submissively I lift my body from the seat and pace to an empty adjacent seat which they would not have used because it has thorns on it. I am the one who doesn't get pricked so I seat there. Wait! Its not thorns on it. They just wanted the already habited seats. They are bullies. And they are of interest now. Deep down I am aching to stand up for my right to sit whenever I want but then I realize they also have the same right and they chose to sit where I was seated .
The bus is here and we all head in. the self-made blonde is already seated at the back alone. She looks at me walk in. I can see a smile at the edges of her lips. I want to smile back. But I cannot. I do not know why I should. All I do is look down as I head towards her. I have to leave my seat since the three bullies will for sure come and get it from me. I sit next to her, head down. I look at her though to check on her eye. It is less sore. That is relieving. I continue looking at the other passengers on board.
Today there are five people on board who have not been on this bus before. The three mean guys and that student clutching to his back pack like his life depends on it. Does it depends on it? Suddenly this thought hits me up. I recall how lots of people used to tell me how my life is all based on my education. How they all felt that studies really helped someone become better in life. Hold on. You all may know a story of someone out here who has been through school and still is out here struggling hand and mouth to find food to make it to the next day. It is all good though, I am wishing this kid well in life as he is on with his studies. He is new in this bus though and it feels odd seeing him here. Maybe he is visiting someone though. Or it is his first day in school and I hope I will be seeing him around more and know more about him.
The lady in a dark suit is also new, she has a stern look. She seems to be having a bad day, she is really going through her phone and making countless call that are not going through. She seems stressed and really uneasy. She seems like a nice person though with a well-paying job, no ring on her finger, a laptop bag and nothing else in her possession. I feel like she could be having work problems or is about to meet someone but communication is giving her trouble.
I am not going to look at the three bad men today. I feel like they are not in much emotional trouble as the blonde and the lady in a suit. It is been 30 minutes since the bus left the station and I feel like it is time we alighted. The bus bell dings as it comes to a stop and the doors bust open. We all alight from the bus and everyone heads to their destination. I am standing their quiet watching everyone head off. I do not feel like going anywhere. It is one of those days I feel like doing something but of course I do not know what it is.
This is strange though. I am have the most bizarre idea creeping up on my mind. It has never happened before. I feel like following the blonde. It is already happening, I am following her.
What is happening? I want to stop honestly, I feel like it is wrong but something in me is pushing me hard to go forward. I do not know what I want with her but I want to see where my body is leading me to. She is really walking fast. Too fast for me actually. And I am really trying my best against my will to walk fast to catch up with her at a safe distance. I do not want to lose sight of her. She goes into a general store and I follow suit. She is buying something and I have to act like I want to buy something too as a backup in the case she catches me. I think I will buy let's say a… I am out of ideas I do not know what a make-up stalker like me should buy. I do not cook often in my house for me to buy groceries. I do not write for me to buy stationery. I am out of choices actually and I feel like I am standing in the store idle feeling like a complete fool.
Just then my worst fear catches up with me. She comes over to the groceries section where the numb me is standing. Holding a really huge pumpkin with the both of my hands all confused, I need help. Summoning the robotic me that got me saunter after this lady into this store that at this time looks like an empty hall. The shelves look empty. My confusion is really playing a really bad trick on me. Well I search my mind for better excuses to give and it is not helping. Once again. My mind has deserted me and it is me all alone. You really should never trust anything. My own mind has left me to deal with the ambush. I am frozen. Just then something comes up. A hard looking guy approaches her just before she makes it to where I am standing. Holds her by the hand and pushes her against one of the shelves. He is hurting her.
"What are you doing here? You should not come here!"
She is quiet as she tries to free her arm which is really tightly held my the man. I am feeling her pain as her face wrinkles with the struggle.
He inspects her eye and then lets her hand go. She leaves the store really fast without buying anything. The hard looking guy walks towards me. I feel his eyes piercing my body. But I am not scared. I stare at him as he gets closer.
"Get on with you shopping bruh!"
I am really a hard person to fright. And his red-eyed hard stare on me is not working. Kizimba: that is the name in his name tag hanging on his right side work shirt pocket. He works here and that explains his presence here. Finally my senses get back and my betraying mind that left me for death a while ago asks my hands to pick two apples from the fruit shelves and I leave the supermarket after paying.
I do not need the apples, all I do is throw them away in a litterbin outside the store. All I am thinking about is finding the girl. That feeling of losing something is creeping in and I hate it. I hate it when I lose. I ran into a larger bin on the alley which falls with a thud littering the whole place with shredded paper. I choose to follow the to see if I will find the girl. The rage is making me breath faster. I really need to find her.
The whole place is dark and the other people there are all occupied with their activities. I am all about losing hope and trying this another day. I feel like tearing up. It is one of those rare times I feel vulnerable enough to wish for some other human to come to my help. I turn back Just in time to see this hard looking guy come out of the store. He has changed into a different shirt and he heads into the dark the other way to the way I was almost going into. Well something in me fills me with thoughts of how following him will get me to the lady. I am really positive that wherever he is going the lady must be there. I guess watching people for a long time makes you know what people are up to.
People tend to react to things in a pattern that is almost the same with everyone. That's what is in my mind as I follow suit. Something was pushing me towards believing that he was headed towards the girl. It does not take us long before we are at a well build and well lit apartment and he goes inside after he keys in a code at the gate that lets him into the compound I am left outside at a distance feeling helpless. I cannot go in there. As much as I really would give anything to go inside. It could be a trap. I saunter to the opposite side of the flat in front of a deserted closed tailor shop, waiting for a sign. With the gate code that works he would be owning the place or if it is someone else's the he has to be really close to that person to have the access to their place.
Feels like way too much trust. Why would you trust a complete stranger with access to your home. The one place you are supposed to feel safe. What if they give out the access keys to bad people? Or they come in when you do not have your guard on and they take advantage? It honestly surprises me how you will be really careless to hand someone else such power. Once again… we are different and the world is changing every other day and people are getting more dumb. I once read some blog about most people who are discovered dead in their homes are usually victims of people who are actually close to them.
Either way people are investing in superficial feelings from others to keep them safe inside their own homes.
I have been lucky. And today counts as one of those days. Lights come on in the room at the ground floor. Curtains are not drawn and I see him- the guy from the store, get inside the house, a lady heads towards her. Yes! it is her from the bus. My heart is smiling. Feels fulfilling that I was right in following the man.
She is wearing her sleeping gown and she heads towards the guy. They hug, intimately for a while. He withdraws and it looks like he is telling her something and she hugs him again. Now that is definitely a make-up from the possible disagreement I witnessed at the store. I have a fremd feeling though about the whole thing. Something is telling me he did hit the lady probably from the fight they had the day before and he is possibly being apologetic and she forgives him from the look of things. Feels right though that he is not hurting her again..
Lights go out and I am left there in the dark feeling all alone again. I have made new friends with this duo. I feel like I should reach for my phone and get it out to the whole world that I have made new friends. That is what you all does this days. Living in the cloud. Getting every tiny detail of your lives out here for everyone interesting to see. Telling people how you are sleeping. Everyone gets to know what you are wearing to bed. Waking up to letting the world know the toothbrush you use and even they dictate what you are to be wearing for the day. It will not be a surprise soon people dragging their cameras to the bathtubs to get peoples opinion on what areas to scrub first.
I want to wish my new friends a goodnight. I feel like I should let them know there is someone watching out for them out here as they sleep soundly inside not even caring to get the blinds back on so that prying eyes will not be looking into their business. It is getting late and colder now.
I have been so absorbed in thoughts of what could be and could not be happening to the self-made blonde inside. I have crossed a couple of things off the list and it sure feels like the hard looking guy makes it to top of the list on people on my case. His little make up hug and probable "I am Sorry" words he said to the blonde earlier are not buying his name off the list. Well honestly until now I never knew I had a list. However feels like it has always been here though. And he is not getting off until he proves otherwise. I have to find out how the blonde got the sore eye and why it feels like he assaulted her back then at the supermarket.
I have to go home. I am a long way away from home and honestly I do not feel like leaving yet. Something in me pushing me to staying on longer to see if they will wake up and turn on the lights so that I can get to check if they are still good. It is all feeling rather strange to me. This feeling is killing me inside. Why is all this happening? I have never been to this extreme before to find out about someone.
It takes me a lot of energy to finally make the decision of leaving. Easiest way to get home this deep in the night is getting a cab. I find my way back in the dark to the store where I get an uber. I will try not to think about the lady tonight.
Chapter 2
As usual, she is already seated at the back of the bus by the time I get in, it has been two days since we last saw each other and I feel like I am forgetting about her. Let's say the urgency to unravel everything about her kind of moved down the list as someone else on the bus has a more urgent needs to be dealt with. I am not getting her off my mind, I would never do that. I am now part if her life. She will not know that for now though. Time will come when ill present a report of everything to her for now. Let us observe her and get to learn everything else about her. Let us take her make up off. Let us find her scars as much us we'll not be able to fix them we will make sure she never gets them again. She should know we were in this together. It is a Monday morning.
I do not go to work during weekends. It is actually some boring time alone in the house. I do not have friends here. All I do is stay in the house alone. Reading probably or staring at my ceiling while lying on my bed. Or making profiles of anyone coming into my mind. Its really easy. You'd tell a lot from the way someone looks, talks, walks, what they wear and much more.
I am crossing fingers she does not ask about the day I was at the store and they had a fight with the hard looking guy. She stares at me as always and stares down after smiling. She is already used to me smiling back. We never talk and this is easier for me anyway, I would not know how to respond. I wouldn't know what she wants to hear for me to tell her. I look around to see if someone missed me. Of course they did not- who would miss me in this world? I sit next to her. This feels like it is going to be a uncanny ride though. The student is there. He was becoming a commoner now. The three bullies are not in yet and I really hope they do not show up. Good gracious they are not here today as the bus engine starts and it leaves for the other side of town.
She does not talk to me the whole journey. Everyone else is too engulfed in their thoughts, it is a quiet ride and the only sounds I hear are of the cars honking outside as they race fast past our bus. Or a train hooting as it is leaving the station and the birds outside. At this time of the day there is not much hustle in the town as people are all waking up and getting ready for the day. The streets are less full and everything looks calm and clean. As I watch the landscape outside with the people in it I cannot help but think of how my life as a kid was; I also rode in a bus to school every day. I never had a seat in all the years I was student. Not like there were no seats in the bus, just that a group of bullies deemed it fit to always have me standing the whole trips I made while I was in the school bus. There was nothing I would do then. I had a petite body I knew what would happen to me if I had reported it to any teacher.
Not like I would tell the man responsible for me being alive though. His is a different kind of profile. There was one time my younger brother broke his arm one day we were coming from school. He had jumped off the bus as he always did as a way to show off to everyone else how good he was at that. This certain day I went off the bus first . It always happened that he went first. The school bus driver seeing me off knew that my brother was probably off the bus and without warning he had sped off as he also did every other time we would alight. Poor Simole had to jump off the bus before it would go further. He was pretty messed up. He'd landed on his arm pressing it hard against the hard ground. His baby Ego couldn't let him admit to hurt. He was a hero to every other kid in the bus. Their eyes beamed with admiration as the bus sped off. To me Simole was a hurt brother. He would not hide the pain from me though. Not like he admitted to it though. I always had my way with him. He is the reason I am this good at profiling everyone else. His hand was hurt and he wouldn't tell our Father what had happened. He was sure to receive a thorough beating from him for being careless.
We swept the whole hurt arm under the mat for a month until it got worse and he wouldn't sleep at night one day because of the intense pain from a blood clot in one of the severed blood vessels in his arms. He had to be rushed to hospital that night just in time as the doctors said had it been few hours late he was to be amputated.
That was the one time our ever submissive mother did stand up to my father blaming him for the whole thing and his battering us that made us fear him. It stopped since and I would say he got more human since that time. Simole had to miss school for a couple of weeks. And it resulted to him getting behind in his studies. He had to redo the whole year again. That was sad. He was my silent best friend in class. And as we were not in the same class we grew a little distant with each other. And it has always been that way till this date.
With time since his greatest pleasure ; battering us, was taken from him we never got back to the ever fighting but close family we were. With time he had left one night after a loud fight with our mother. They fought about anything and everything every other time they felt like. We hardly knew who was at fault. Occasionally We would hear rumors – well since we were never allowed to talk about him at home, about him out of town. He however did send us cards on our birthdays and on Christmas but we never got to see him again.
Flashes of his memory often come into mind occasionally and on days like today. Recently though episodes of the memories he gave me are getting lesser with days. Lately his image has been fading from my mind. I used to be glad he did remember our birthdays but we needed family more than anything and not the cards with the cash he'd put in between. It was his way of showing love but that was never enough. I had been saving up the whole time. I never used what he had sent over until I was old enough for college.
My oneirism is cut short by the doorbell dinging and the doors open. We are at the bus station already and we need to alight. Today I am not thinking about anyone else but me. I hardly notice the blonde wish me a good day as she walks away. It is actually the first time this is happening since we started riding the same bus.
I head off towards the alley. All calm, that Monday feeling you all talk about is creeping in, the whole place is clean and as the cold breeze is caressing my face, I notice something different. Baraza! He is not here… for a moment am shocked, I look around to make out if I am in the right alley. He has been here the whole time I have been using this alley. It feels empty. No one seems to care.
Evidently no one would notice an execrable old mendicant missing from his spot! I noticed him though from the first time I got here and now he is no where to be seen. Feels dull. Apparently we create a certain connection with people we run into often and we rarely realize that as were busy worrying about ourselves. There is no one to ask about him since they have been too busy to notice his absence.
I run my hand over my bag as I reach to feel the bible he handed me . It is there. Soiled as it was given to me. I look at the old book sadly. I feel like I miss him already. Where is he?
The night watch is all excited on seeing me. I feel like it is time I answer him when he greets me. I let out a low mutter as I head up the fleet of stairs.
Nothing seems to have changed since Friday. The office is just as quiet as I had left it. After checking into my seat and turning on the monitors I am ready to redo today as I have always the entire time I have been here.
My control room mate comes in a while later and as usual she is healing from wounds probably from the battering that happened on over the weekend. All going through my mind is an image of this oversized man beating the nice lady ruthlessly and she is probably taking the beating quietly subserviently apologizing for something she did not do. I feel ire build up inside me.
We never talk about any of that. We assume it is all normal and continue with our daily activities. She however sounds distracted and she is not talking much as it is her standard way of getting us through the day and it feels odd. I really want to do something about it. She is way too nice to be this dilapidated. They have been married for a while though. This days it is almost certain that the newly married couples are the ones in love; holding hands, rings still on their fingers, doing errands together, walking together wearing genuine smiles and having glowing faces.
Few years into marriage and the love seems to have a limit; one person will certainly be sad or even both of them, the errands that used to be done together turn into a one person responsibility, no holding hands in public and now and then the rings become detached from the fingers they were put on while giving each other solemn promises that never hold.
This days ends without much activity and me and Sally head home. She is sad however and she is unusually quiet. She mumbles a goodnight wish and wishes me a safe journey home as she heads home. I want to follow her. I have been to her home once for a family dinner. She has three children and they all take after her. They are all nice people by all standards except for the heavily built man who is her husband. I have never seen him smile. Even at the family dinner he was wearing a stern face and scarcely talked much the entire time we all devoured into the palatable meal she had cooked I was there. He kept on insisting I tell him about my childhood, something I have never told anyone else except you. I do not like talking about it. It is one phase of my life I would always wish to keep censored from my life story.
I will not follow her to her home though. I make the decision as I head off to be with my friends at the bus. I have missed them. Baraza is not in his usual place though. It feels haunted as I pass through the walkway and I do not meet any face I have seen before. I wonder why he left without saying a word about anything.
Today the bus is on time. I get into the bus just in time before it shuts its doors. I look around the whole place and everyone is just where they have always been. The blonde at the back. The student seated alone close to the door, the smart lady in a suit seated two seats behind the student, the three bullies all seated where I used to sit before, the ever smoking lady is alone in her seat with cigar between her fingers and the other passengers are all seated where they always do. We are all trying to get home after a long day of activities. I feel them all, I know what how getting worked up feels, I know how school is not all about fun, I know what it feels like to be yelled at by your boss and I know what it feels like to be bullied.
For a moment I feel like I live every moment all these people have gone throughout the day. It is overwhelming but they should not worry. We're here now together going to our safe abodes to rest. That must feel right. Getting to a place you can be you. No one looking out to see if you are doing what they expect you to do. No one asking you things you'd rather not answer for fear of being too honest and they find ways to turn it against you. Home. The one place you can be you. Not trying to impress anyone, where we take our social guard down and reveal our true self.
I stride towards the blonde and this time she flexes the muscles at both ends of her mouth revealing a set of perfectly shaped front teeth. She doesn't say a thing. I feel like she deserves a response today. And I promise myself I will answer whatever she throws my way. No… not everything, that's when the memory about me following her to the store hits me up.
I am not good with lying- I feel like it breeds more hurt than anything else in this world. However cannot tell her I was following her deep into the night. I will definitely not mention the camping outside her house at night watching over her.
"Thank you for the other day, Kizimba would have hit me again if you had not been in the store that day,"
As she smiles and looks away. What do people say after being told that? I am searching deep inside me for words to say but I cannot find any. Someone must have taken away simple communication manners from me.
"What is your name? I am Jane,"
As she again looks deep into my eyes as though she is trying to find something inside there. I have no words left in me. I cannot say a thing.
Her eye is healed although it has some little black color just above the cheeks. She has really nice teeth, her hair is dyed blonde and her stare is really messing up with my communication. Nothing is coming out of my mouth. I feel it is dry and it tastes sour. I am not able to open it. Feels like I have forgotten my name.
I am not able to say anything and she looks away. Embarrassed I guess and she does not speak to me the whole of the ride home.
To be honest I do not know what to do. She feels it is right that I was there at the store and in all likelihood saved her from getting hit again but I feel wrong I had followed her there. Nevertheless my presence protected here from getting hurt and that feels right.
The journey home today seems long. Eerie rather. I want to talk. She knows she should say something to me but she cannot. What can she even tell this stranger she feels connected to already? We are at our destination finally. Not much said on the way though. As we get off the bus she smiles at me. As you are already starting to know me it is a hard task for me to exhibit my emotions facially. She seems to be already used to it and she leaves me there standing. She is headed towards where she always disappears into. The dark.
I want to follow her. I do that without second thought today. At a safe distance as before I cover my face with my cap as we both head into the dark. Holding onto my bag firmly.
it is not much activities in this part of town at this hour of the day. Few people hurrying home too and two to three passed out at the sidewalk from the days drinking I presume. One of the men is mumbling in audible mumbles but I seem to think he is complaining about life or some love ordeal gone sour. That's what everyone else is doing these days. You are all complaining. Everyone is bawling about hunger, love, politicians, school, corruption and everything else they cannot control.
A while later we are at her place and I head to my spot in front of the already closed tailor shop and I watch her get into her house and the bright lights come on. Something is different, it is not as presentable as I had left if the last time I was here watching her and Kizimba make up for the fight they had. Everything was in place squeaky clean the other time. Today feels different.
Someone must have been in there rummaging through everything and anything they would lay their hands on. They were looking for something. Well from this distance. I notice how bemused Jane is and I want to go inside and help her unravel the enigma she is staring at. Who could want to do this to her home? How many people has she trusted with her house?
I want really want to get closer and buzz her and when she opens I get to ask her all these questions as I offer possible ways to help. Sad to say I cannot. I am not supposed to be here. I am here in the dark descrying at the disbelief in her eyes. I cannot help but notice her tears and silent moans as she sits on the coach burying her head in her hands. I could be tearing up myself. No I will not have that pleasure today.
I am going to find out who did that to you and make them pay for what they have done. There is only one person in my list who can do that and all the odds tonight are stacked against Him. For now Jane you will have to be alone as I go to work things out for you. Bye!
Chapter 3
How does payback feel to you? Have you ever been in a situation where you had to revenge for something someone did to you? Did you get back at them? Let's go with yes you have been in that situation and you retaliated .How did it feel after avenging?
However way you get back on someone or something there comes an inexplicable feeling of fulfillment. Remember the lady who broke the husbands rented car? I know she felt something we never have the pleasure to feel in our everyday lives after that. Lets put the monetary loss aside for a while. We will go with the emotional satisfaction, the way it takes the pressure out your nerves, it gets you off the edge and I will be right to equate that to taking pressure off a balloon that would burst anytime if left with that heating air inside it. Some people keep the anger inside them. They would rather coat that anger with smiles and phrases of how okay they are every time they break a coffee mug or even inflict physical harm on themselves well because they cannot let out what they are feeling inside.
Some take it out on food and they get obese, become sloppy at work and get fired or even take it out on the wrong completely innocent people. All these for just not taking it out on the right person or venting that anger out on something else less socially ruining.
Lets take this exemplification. You are mad with me and you have to avenge what I did. No extremes necessary in this first instance.
You rant at me and you make me apologize for what I have done to you. It sure feels like a win for both of us. You get the satisfaction of me remorseful of what I did and I get to correct what I did.
You are happy. You will not get sacked from work. You will not have excess weight in you and no more broken mugs in your house as you concentrate more with a clear mind.
Few days later if we're still friends or maybe more than friends you let your guard down and you expose your vulnerability again to me since you trust that I am a better person since I stuck around since before and after our silly fights. We're soulmates and you believe I never again will hurt you intentionally. You are right by all standards. Conventionally that is the best to do since in any case we will still fight if you trusted me less.
Here comes a day when the demons in me do not regard how good you have been to me and with no regret. I dere you again with no regard on how you'd feel. This time I make you cry more that before and I am not around for you to take it out on. Worst case scenario you overdose on your sleeping pills since you want to sleep it off or maybe slash your wrists since you want to make it all go away. You could die. I hope you realize that. You do not go to work this time since you do not have the energy to get off bed. Conceivably since you have not eaten for a couple of days. You will be dying of starvation soon enough from that too.
You are keeping all that hate, disappointment in you as you waste yourself away. All for what? Everyone else out here unanimously concurs it is because of a self centered, disrespectful and possibly egoistic me who had no consideration once again for whatever you'd feel.
And they are right! As much as you would want to argue it out with mental apprehension of whatever you feel is thought to be right, it is the truth. And this time you really need to protect yourself. Hopefully you are realizing this soon enough before you shuffle off this mortal coil from starvation or before you self-slaughter.
There are a couple of ways to do it. I really am not sure which one you will prefer considering the bond we shared. I would suggest you look at the bigger picture. Self known to you alone. I need to be stopped. Odds of us getting back together are really low and It will not take long before I get to hurt someone else. I understand you are not after saving the world from people like me or maybe not even interested in saving yourself.
I want to subconsciously make you hate me. I will get close to someone else. Make them fall in love with me. Make them take their guard down for me they will trust me more than you did and they will let me into their life more than you ever did. This time I have realized ways to avoid making small mistakes since I also have a bigger picture. Wait! I had one too. Only that it is not all about a better life or a happier companionship forever after. I have a misguided stereotypical chauvinistic mind that really will not let me have regard for your feelings or anybody else's.
Few weeks- hopefully we last this long. We have a fall out. We end up in a really bad tussle. Bigger than what you and I had. And she is frail. I admit you are potent, somehow you managed to get past all the toxicity and your wounds heal faster leaving discrete scars that you barely notice anymore.
A few hours later she jumps onto the rails and a train goes over her. Sad. Right? And it is on you. Her death is on you. You let me get away with hurting you and here I am inflicting more pain to someone else. She bites the big one.
Unpopular opinion, you could have forestalled that. She could still be alive if in any way you made me own up for my sins. I could have desisted. The world would have been less one evil person.
I propose we play a game. I know we're both not in the mood for a game right now. I insist though. We are doing this. I intend to make it short and less mind consuming for both of us since we've to get back to our different worlds. Let us switch roles. I am going to be the one getting hurt and you will be you, planning to get away with that just the way you've always done. I am really looking forward to winning . I hope we share that conviction.
Irrespective of the name you told me you go by I am going to name you Tambo. Well its not that fancy considering you are really ornate. Let us say I prefer being in control and with you feels like I have to be sane. You are good. really good. This is happening. I cannot believe it. I am having my coffee at the Balanr. Well everyone who comes to this overpriced Café is looking for more than they can offer. I can make my coffee back in the house real good. Not as good as they make it here though but still you'd fall in love with me if coffee was a factor.
Let us say I am looking for you. There is no way I will definitely admit to this, it is all in my mind as you walk up to where I am seated and you ask me if there's someone else I am expecting to take the seat in front of me. You are sure there is no one since you have been checking me out from where you were seated before. But still I will have to answer Tambo.
"No, it is just me alone, You can have the seat."
I saw you but there's no way you'd have known that. Every time I asked for a refill in my cup I did steal glances of you seated over there.
I should tell you I noticed your well pressed suit, I love it. I love it when someone is this clean. If you'd ask I would tell you the number of refills you had. Either way, here you are. In the flesh. There's something with your voice that anyone willing to listen to you talk for the entire lifetime would die for. I am not going to die for you. I will never die for you. But then I really would look forward to listening to you wake me up in the morning for the entire time I got left on Earth. I would say, for the love I have a really derf feeling we're going to share after tonight.
I hope that is what you want. You are what I have been looking for here at Balanr. And now you are here. Looking at me as you talk your way into my life. Wait you are flirting. I am falling for it. I admit this is not me with my tall concrete walls I usually have around to keep people like you out.
You are different I feel the walls coming down. And just to convince myself that I am still in control-which is routine though, I had all this played out well as you were walking towards me. I excuse myself to go to the loos. You smile as I get up and I notice your eyes brighten as you watch me walk away.
Are you also feeling this? I would give anything to live in this moment forever. You have a way to make things feel so lovely. You are giving rhythm to everything you lay your eyes on. I noticed your cologne. It is really nice, but it is too early to complement things about you. I will not even say you are handsome. I have to keep that power still. I hope you let me hold on to some control.
Honestly, looking in the mirror here at the ladies I notice the way my cheeks glow with thoughts of you sitting there with me. You are single, right? There's only one way to find out. Do not worry, I will not ask you about that. Not tonight. I push the questions away from my lips as I head over to where you are.
A few laughs later and I am feeling like we should get out of here. There's a million ways to find more about you tonight they do not include spending more time here at the Balanr.
"Do you want to get out of here?"
"yeah sure, we should head out, we've been seated here for say 4 hours?"
I cannot belief that I have actually asked you to get out of here with me. You stand up first and you help me off my chair. That is impressive and it makes me more convinced that you are the right Man.
You get us an uber. And you ask me if I am okay with us going to your hotel room. I am sure you know the answer already but there's no harm in making it not so obvious.
"How can I trust you are not some sweet good-looking serial killer who wants to harvest my kidneys and anything else of value?"
You blush. I notice that. And you laugh at the question in a really nice way making me not to feel stupid anymore for asking you that. You've a way with the way you are able not to answer without words but then I feel like I get really convincing answers. I hardly notice how fast we are driven to your hotel and as the driver pulls over you excuse yourself as you come to get the door for me. We get to your room. A really nice place. The view. Wow. I could stay here every day of my remaining life. Hopefully it is going to be a log life providing you do not maim me tonight in my sleep.
This is us five months after we met. So far so well. Just as I had hoped and everything is all good so far. You make me miss you every time you are out of town for work as you always put it and it always feels bad. Well not like I am kvetching. I wish I could. You treat me way too good when you get back into town to make room for any grumbling.
We've had fights before. Everyone does, and you always find the right words to say with the right thing to do after that. I am happy, we both are. This time you've been gone for two weeks and you've called less often than the way you always do. We're Good. You are really busy I think. You said that when you last called two days ago and I believe you. There is no reason not to.
That was on Monday. When you last called. Friday evening you knock at my door. Your car is parked upfront. And you are sorry you've been gone for a while. Of course you still have the gate code that I haven't changed yet and that is how you got in to the compound. I forgive you for all that silence. I am just glad you are here. We open the bottle of wine you came in with as an apology as we talk about your trip out of town. I am a happy woman tonight.
Since you are here. You promise to do right by me the next time and I put aside the urge to start any kind of fight.
"who is that you were talking to?"
"Uhm no one, it is a spam call. You know these random numbers you receive calls from thinking it is anything serious."
Well that was a lot of explanation but I am way too sleepy to push for any more explanation. But your phone cant let me sleep in peace.
"Who is texting you this late? I want to sleep, cannot you put the damn phone of silent mode?"
"I am sorry babe."
You apologize as you put your phone down. I barely notice when sleep takes over and I stop thinking of the texts. I however promise myself to dig deep when we wake up in the morning.
You are distracted. You are acting way too different this time. You have your phone on you the entire time and you have changed the passcode. As much as it is unlikely of you I still see no need to frain more. You will come around I keep assuring myself every time I catch you in deep thought. You hardly give me your opinion on getting a pet dog. Well I give you the space you haven't asked for and I will carry on as though you are not around.
Two days later;
I was right that works. You are getting back to the normal you and I am all happy that you are just until I stumble on you talking to someone outside on the lawn in a really low tone. You have not seen me and I will keep it that way. You should finish whatever you are doing and the best I can do is give you some space. Wait! Did you just say you love her? Yes and you are actually repeating it. To Kellen. Who is Kellen?
And you are on a business trip out of town. Last I checked this was my place and it is not close to a business trip That's what you have just told her. Veraciously, I am hurt. And you are vehemently prophesying your affection to her all this while I am standing behind this tree. Holding a glass of warm milk you asked for. Tears are forming in my eyes and I cannot take it anymore. The glass falls off and this is where you realize you've ruined whatever you had. You are standing there dazed and embarrassed. You should not say anything. I am sure you do not have any words to say. Nothing will make up in whatever way for what you've done. Well I feel stupid and you have to pay for the deception.
I feel used but it is okay. Yes sure it is fine. You shouldn't bother to ask me about that. It is just that my mind is made up already. You have been a bad mate. What happens to vicious mates? Do not worry ill answer that for you. You get punished for your misconduct.
Since we haven't spoken anything to each other yet I decide to make it easier for you and head back into the house. Please get your story right before you come inside. You deserve that for being good sometimes. I will give you the time you need to make up good excuses and a few routine lies just the way every cheating man does. For now ill go into the bedroom and bury my head in a pillow and let the tears flow. I should cry. Well I can afford a little weakness show for you.
Here is what I really do not apprehend. It has been a few months and you'd probably not be tired of me already, you have your time out as much as you like. You are not with me every other time to say that I am in your space. Why did you have to cheat? A business trip really? in my place? I cannot help but wonder if every other time you have been here has been a business trip.
This is what you reap from your nefarious spree of breaking hearts. I have to stop you from making more women go through what I am going through right now. Do not worry. You are going to help me find the one thing that will be your punishment. You deserve that for making me feel loved for the past few months
Chapter 4
Supermarkets are really safe and too public, taking a body builder down in such here feels way too bad an intent. There's a lot of people and cameras. Luring him out feels viable but then we hardly know each other, I have only met him once. Talking to him is definitely out of the options which I do not have. I have to find him, last time I stood here at the groceries and he came from the beverages section . Feels like a good place to start looking. Feels like a maze in here. I am running into the same people every other time and Kizimba is nowhere to be seen. I should give up. No one put me up for this but it feels like I am failing someone.
Talking to someone who works here feels like my only run to option.
"Hey…hi, I am looking for Kizimba, he works here, we went to the same school and I am new in town."
This feels easy. I hope this tired looking over smiley lady will fall for it. She does.
" He's not working tonight, we do exchange shifts and I am doing his tonight."
"My bad, I will catch him tomorrow then. Let me find a motel to put my head down for the night, thank you."
"You sure you will be okay?... You know your way around?"
"Not quite, I will try not to go far from this supermarket. It is
The only place I know."
" I will not be a good person if I let you wander into the dark in this deranged town alone. You do not know anyone except Kizimba."
"Thank you for the concern, I will be okay though, I wish I knew where he stayed. My phone is dead I cannot reach him for directions."
I am trying to avoid much interaction with this nice lady but then she is too concerned. Will not be nice for Kizimba to disappear a few days after a stranger comes in asking for him. There are cameras every where. I have to get out of here right now.
"I am not allowed to give out fellow employee details, but this is on me. You will not mention this to anyone."
Well. This option wasn't in my mind but then she is saving a life tonight. Jane's. She hands me a note with Kizimba's address.
"Thank you very much. I am indebted to you."
"Bye, get there safe."
There's one thing that I am so certain of, if I do not get to him tonight I will lose my chance of getting to him when he gets to hear of some former school mate looking for him and that he's got his address. I am also not going to put the nice lady in trouble for helping me out. Whatever is to happen has to be done tonight.
His abode is not a long way from here. It is in the opposite direction to Jane's. I do not know what I will do to do to him. Confronting him will get me killed or injured. The other time I saw him at the store wasn't quite nice and he had an anger. He has to be sessile for me to get my chance. He has to be knocked out.
It is not like I can walk into a shop and buy a gun to shoot him and get done with everything, truth is I do not have the heart for that. The only option is Knocking him off with a gas. Chloroform, well good idea but you cannot just get it in retail shops. Since it is no longer used as a sedative, for fear of being abused by junkies.
Talking of chloroform, Yes! This is what I need and the only way to get it to make my own chloroform which is easier than going to buy some. No one will have any questions seeing me buy rubbing alcohol and household bleach. You do not know this but rubbing alcohol contains ethanol which when mixed with household bleach which has sodium hypochlorite creates chloroform and some other compounds which causes loss of consciousness if the right dosage is administered. Great, right? A higher dosage however will definitely kill him, which none of us wants. I need him to confess to hurting Jane and apologize to her with a promise of never doing that again. If he's a good boy he'll get back to his life and everyone gets to live happily thereafter.
Good thing there's a couple of shops open and I get what I need without anyone raising an eyebrow.
One common thing with a lot of bullies is they live in the assumption everyone else fears them and they do not really take to beshield themselves. Kizimba's house is not that hard to get into and he is not home, he is probably drinking the night off in some cheap bar uptown.
Backdoor is open, he couldn't be in a dark house for all this while I have been standing on the sidewalk watching his house fir any movement. As I let myself in I am racking my brain for a story to tell if this goes south. None is coming up, if anything happens it was for a good reason. He will definitely slay me and this ends here. I will not be watching over everyone else and you will probably be the only one to ever know I went into Kizimba's house. This should never find light. I am letting you into this secret. I will ask that of you since I still have not solved the enigma in Jane's life. If I get to go tonight I would wish she remains only with the memory of the guy who somehow prevented her from being hurt at the supermarket.
Not a lot people will miss this quiet man who is always looking at them and barely talks to them.
It Is quiet inside here, as expected, feels like it is haunted. It is a cold house, and not a life inside. Auspiciously I will live, all this fret is for nothing,
Just as I am getting a little eathful in my feel safe cocoon a soft meow comes from underneath what I think is a sofa. I am not sure of anything in this house. It is so dark inside here. This isn't an angry cat- well fear can get you judging every sound you hear and to be up front with you I am scared to the core. The distressed cat lets out another soft purr this time less distinct than the first one. Once again am back to the dying tonight thoughts.
I should probably run out fast through the backdoor but then the cat really feels helpless. A cat would have normally walked over to me and rubbed itself on my legs but this one wasn't. Finding the switch is not hard, everyone has them close to the doors. As the house gets lit I realize that the place is as trashed as Jane's. Kizimba couldn't have done this, someone else is after these two and the person has been to both their houses explaining the open backdoor and Kizimba not being home.
If someone walked in here I would never get to explain what I am doing inside this house carrying rubbing alcohol and household bleach. I have to get out of here. As I had guessed, it wasn't a free cat. Really beautiful, in a cage, she is run out of water and food. I cannot walk out of here with a cat and the only right thing to do is to let her walk. She is better off on the loose fending for herself. Doesn't feel like anyone's been here for a while now.
With lights on I get to see the pictures hanging on the wall, wedding photos. As much as I will love to go through everything, I have to walk out while I still can. The cat is long gone and the whole place is placid again.
No one's dead tonight. But it feels fruitless, suffice to say I am back to making a new list. Kizimba is off the hook on this but there's someone out who is after the duo. I have to find them. It is going to be hard since I will have to talk to Jane. That feels harder than anything else. Might take a while before she lets me in and she gets comfortable telling me what I will need to hear.
Been a week now since I last saw her in the bus or even at her house. Been there everyday since I was at Kizimba's and it feels like they have both vanished. I am trying hard to shake the feeling that they are okay somewhere. Being fixated on getting closure for things you really feel should have ended differently gets you distracted wishing for more. There's no angel assigned to give people closure. We should work towards getting the closure we want ourselves. It has not been an easy week. Finding two people who do not want to be found in a town with over Five million people is practically an impossibility, especially with no contact information on any of them.
The early morning trips to the bus station have so far proved futile. I admit that is a little stupor. Makes me feel like it is on me that she is not around so far. Had I realized what the issue was earlier then presumably I would have worked my way around it to solve it. She would be still using the same bus with me to and from work. I have also picked up a new hobby. I am forcing myself into fancying it, Morning run. As much as it is a good cover to get close to her apartment to see if by any chance she is home, it is really tiring. How can someone relish doing this every morning? They make it feel like they are having so much fun when they do it in the movies.
She will show up. I know she will, in the meantime I have you to be taking care of and we have an unfinished conversation. It is both in our interest to get done with that already. We played a game and I am sorry I left you hanging, it is not that easy making up my mind on how to punish someone who betrayed what we had. And before you get all sentimental, yes I remember you had the option of choosing how you were to be punished. I know it is a little inept of me but that still stands. We are going to do that together. We will find the most suitable way for you.
Last we played the game you were left standing outside and I was in my bedroom weeping into a pillow. Let us continue from there.
A while later after I leave you standing outside you pick the empty glass milk that had lost grip of and you head inside, leaving it by the kitchen table and you head into the bedroom quietly. You sit at the edge of the bed and gently hold my foot, I am lying there motion less, sobbing uncontrollably, it is getting louder with you here. I have no idea why it has to be so. I want to control it so that you do not get the satisfaction of hurting me but I am failing really bad at that. You holding my foot makes it hit different, the betrayal sets in deeply and I want to pull my leg away but my whole body feels numb, not an ounce of energy left in me.
"You need to leave!"
"Babe, I can explain…"
"I am not listening to anything you have to say. Please leave."
"I am sorry."
Everyone whose done what you've done is always sorry. Why do you have to apologize for something you assented into, apologizing makes it worse, it is a cliché since everyone else is saying that out here. How I really wish people would comprehend that before they go around throwing their apologies to people they have hurt. A better way to make up for the whole thing is giving someone time to evaluate everything and they chose whatever to do with you. And you are going to give me that. Today you will have to leave and ill get myself together. I have to pick up the shattered pieces of me you are responsible for.
It takes two days for me to get back to my feet. Lying here feeling sorry for myself will not be the end of me. I am better than that and today I start planning my revenge. I know you still keeping your hotel room and that is a good place to start looking for you. You are still in town .Blowing my phone with texts on how we need to talk and you explain what happened and I will be ignoring you. I really do not know what to say to you. It is surprising how hurt can take you off the game, a while ago I had everything nice to say to you. We would spend hours on the phone having conversations about anything and everything, we would make plans for the both of us. Today I cannot find a single word to say to you without risking an outburst. Which will not do as any good.
Chapter 5
I have always been the first to get to the office but today I got beaten at my own game, Sally was here first. Strange as it gets Sally is here first today, seated at her desk quietly glued at her monitor. Hardly noticing me get into the office. She is so deep in thought that I finish my whole settling in routine then she wakes up from her reverie. Mystified.
"Morning, I did not notice you come in."
She has a way of trying to take the attention off her, she is smiling but it is not enough to cover her discomfort.
"Uhm, hi…I was giving you time to get done with the moment you were having."
I know that sounds bad. Not what I should have said. But then I really do not know how to make conversation with someone. Sally understands, sharing the office with her all this while has brought us to some level of knowing each other better and she knows what to say when she needs to say something to me.
" Well I have been thinking about Part- the husband, I know I've never talked about this but of late things are getting very weird at home."
This is interesting. She was saving me the time I was going to spend finding out secretly what was happening back at home. I smile as I get to my chair and pull it close to hers. She goes on telling me how he has changed a lot and he really spends less time at home as he always gets to leave for work at odd hours. She claims she understands that since he's an FBI agent and he is often required to get to the office at odd hours to follow up on leads. She laments how he's been so distant of late and worse she can not confront him. The few times she has done it before has got them fall out and as much she is avoiding mentioning the physical abuse. I can tie it to those times when they fall out. She goes on saying he's drinking more than he does in the recent times. Before he used to do a couple of beers but in the recent past he gets wasted to the extent the kids get to notice he is drunk.
Tears linger in her eyes as she narrates how one of her children asked her in the morning if they will be getting a divorce since he heard other kids at school speak of how their parents are not living together.
"I am sorry I should not be telling you all this."
I have never known how to respond to this, I smile, this has helped me before every time I do not know what to say. I know she needs to hear me say something. She would not have let me this deep into her life to just get a smile.
"He will come around soon, give him time."
That was a first. And I guess it is working as her face lights up with hope
"Probably he is having a hard time at work. I hear there is so much pressure over there to close cases."
I'm trying hard to find the right thing to say to her. One wrong word and it will throw her back into the lamentable state she was in when I walked in. Apparitions of her tied husband feeling sorry for everything he has done to her are already coming to me. I see him tied to a tree with his mouth gagged cursing and swearing how I do not know what I am getting into assaulting an FBI agent. He will be vulnerable, his legs tied and cant move his whole body. It will be hard to break him. The human body can go 72 hours without any fluids. After that he will want to give up whatever I ask of him just to have water go down his mouth. But I will not do that since it will get Sally more worried. As much he is not home for long good thing he is there whenever he can be and a few days without him being there will definitely upset her more.
She will possibly report him as a missing person and making it worse he is an agent. The whole kidnap would go stale so fast as every government agency will be looking for him. The only reasonable thing to do is get to find what he is up to and use it against him to make him stop.
Spying on an agent really is a bad idea. Everything could go wrong. One mistake in the whole thing would offset irrevocable implications. Getting arrested, getting shot, If he catches me snooping he will definitely tell on me to Sally and I can't imagine explain my intentions to her. It has to be done . If anything extreme happens it will be on me. I cannot have that on my conscience.
As inept as this sounds I have been camping out here in the cold for 2 hours now. Everyone's home. Nothing is odd. Just as every other family they are probably having their supper un aware of someone watching them from outside. A few minutes to 10 Park comes out. He is leaving. As he gets into his truck I have to make an a quick resolution to get into the truck. I would not be able to catch up with him if I lose him. I probably should not risk this much. Without much thinking I get close to his gate and as he is reversing out of the compound I jump into the back of his truck, perfect timing like I have been doing this my entire lifetime. It is my first time though.
We drive off into the dark. At some point I really feel like screaming at him to go easy on the bumps. Bad idea. I should not be here and I probably deserve being thrown off this vehicle for being this dumb.
