3 Chapter 3 Blind Freak

The next week or so I fall into a routine where I spend most of my time reading the horrible braille books and listening to audio books. It's ok but I miss reading actual books and doing something other than tracing over dots in books and listening to audiobooks. Most of them are shit apart from Harry Potter and I hate it, not Harry Potter but reading books like this. But it's the only thing I can do apart from listening to the tv with the audio description on. I only leave my room at the moment for dinners where Loki joins me and we chat but it's not for long. He doesn't like to talk too much about his past and I feel too low to talk about mine.

Honestly, I just want to end it all. I want to die and end my suffering. I see no point in living when I can't have a career or enjoy anything that I used to do. I can't have a career as I can't write or experiment in labs like I used to do. Listening to audio books are shit as the voices put you to sleep and I can't read properly. Instead I get these horrible braille books which are weird to read and it ruins the whole point of reading. And I can't see a thing unless I use my freaky magical abilities but all I can see is white lines which shows barely an outline. Plus I cannot use my abilities since I don't know how to use them, just control to a certain extent and I hate them. They have made me a blind freak and I just want to die. I don't care how strong my magic is. I am still blind and weak and I have no idea how to use my powers.

It's another day and I've official had enough with living. I've decided to go to the swimming pool so I can decide whether today is the day or whether I should just mess with my freak abilities. I am tempted to do both so I am. I have already began manipulating the water so it makes the water solid so I can walk across it without sinking or falling into the water.

Taking a breath, I move across the water using my magic to keep it solid before I sit down and pull out the razor I brought with me. If I just let go of my powers right now, I will fall into the water and I could let myself drown. Or I could cut my wrists and then fall, either way I could die and end my suffering. Just die and end my pathetic existence. I hate being blind, I hate my non-existent future and I hate these powers that I don't even know how to use properly. Would anyone care if I let go?

I look at the outline of the blade in my hand and I bring it over my wrist, feeling the temptation and I want to die so badly. I want my suffering to end, no more pain. I can't stand being alive if I have to live like this with nothing to live for and no reason to carry on. I'm weak and blind and pathetic.

I'm about to cut my wrist when a voice speaks up, nearly breaking my concentration, "What the hell are you doing?!!"

Instantly I look up in the direction of the door and I can see the outline of Loki standing there. I'm surprised he is here as he normally spends most of the day in his room but I guess he felt my magic and was curious? But now he has seen me about to kill myself and I have no idea what to say.

I drop the blade, razor landing on the water beside me, "Loki I…" I stop speaking, not sure what to say.

"You have magic?" He asks as he moves closer to the pool, closer to me.

"It's a horrid side effect of the accident, it gave me this… magic. I can control elements, speak telepathically, move things telekinetic and probably more. I can't really use it well." I find myself looking at the razor, knowing where the blade is on it, "Made me a freak. A blind freak."

"Katrina…"

I look at him, "What are you doing here Loki? You never leave your room."

He reaches the edge of the pool, "I could hear your mind screaming out and feel your magic and frankly I was worried. And then I come in here to find you… find you like this... please tell me you weren't going to kill yourself?"

I find myself grabbing the razor, "I was going to…" I put the razor over my wrist, "And frankly I still want to."

"Please don't." Loki begs, surprising me.

I give him a look, "Why not? I want to die. I want to die so badly. I honestly wished I died in that accident as living like this is driving me mad and… now I am just a blind freak."

"You are not a freak to me." He tells me, "You are the kindest and strongest woman I know. I know you are in pain but please don't do this. You are my best friend and I care about you. Your magic isn't something to hate. Please don't do this."

My hand is shaking, "You care about me?"

"You're the only person here I can tolerate." He says, which makes us both chuckle, "Off course I care about you so please don't do this. Please Katrina. I don't want you to die."

I feel the temptation and I want to but I can't get what Loki said out of my mind. He cares about me, he does and he thinks so much of me. He really is the god of mischief with a silver tongue. He's making me want to lower the razor but I keep thinking about those horrible powers and my blindness.

He speaks again, "Katrina if it's your magic you are worried about, I can teach you how to use it and even how to defend yourself. Blind or not, I can show you your life is worth living. Please Katrina don't do this. I will even run across this water to stop you if I must. Just don't do this, please."

There are tears in my eyes as I give in, throwing away the razor and I hear Loki sign in relief. I let the tears roll down my cheeks as I try to calm down, taking deep breaths but I feel like I could break down any moment. But I don't want to lose concentration and fall into the water.

I take a breath, "You really do have a silver tongue."

This makes him chuckle, "I will take that as a compliment." I smile at that, "Come here Katrina. I will risk getting wet to come and get you."

I nod before carefully getting to my feet, making sure I keep my concentration on the water as I go over to him. The moment I reach him, I stop using my magic and the water relaxes. There are tears in my eyes and I am standing right in front of him.

"Come here." He says and I feel his arms around me.

Giving in, I move closer to him and he hugs me, holding me tightly. I bury my head in his chest and I break down in his arms, Loki comforting me. Him whispering soothing words to reassure me that everything will all be ok and I didn't know Loki had this side to him. So comforting and warm. He makes me feel better about myself and I want to believe that life can get better. I want to. Maybe if I did learn about my magic and he taught me how to use it, I might feel better about myself.

I've finally stopped crying but he hasn't let me go. Just let me rest in his arms on the floor beside the pool and hold me as I calm down.

"Have you told your brother how you feel?"

I shake my head, "I couldn't. He blamed himself for the accident and he has done everything possible to make my life better. Given me everything to make my life easier and I honestly would have rather died in that accident then be alive. I can't have a career, I can't enjoy my hobbies and I can't see anything which is driving me mad….. sorry, sorry. I don't mean to… I didn't want you to see me like that."

He shakes his head, "Don't apologise, just don't. I don't know how bad your accident was but you lost your sight. It takes time to get over something so traumatic… I would know, I have been there in a way. But you are not a freak for being blind or for having magic. Your natural magic is powerful and isn't something you should hate."

"Natural magic?"

"Yeah I sense your magic coming from your soul. I expect you just unlocked your magical power during your accident instead of learning naturally like I did." He tells me, "You already had your magic, you just didn't know."

This catches me off guard and I think for second, not quite believing it. I already had magical powers and I never knew. The accident just unlocked them and I have hated them so much for having them because of it and yet I already had them. Just didn't know.

I nod, not quite believing it, "I already had magic…"

He rubs my back, "Your magic is a part of you and like I said, I will gladly help you learn how to use it."

I look at him surprised, "You want to teach me?"

He shrugs, "Well since I am stuck here, I may as well do something useful and magic is one thing that I am good at. You're my friend and I care about you. So let me help you with your magic? As your magic is a gift and I want to show you how amazing it can be."

This makes me smile, "Yeah I would like that… thank you Loki, for stopping me and for comforting me."

He holds me tighter, "I just didn't want my new best friend to die."

"Still, thanks."

"You're welcome." He whispers, "I am glad I could help."

We spend the rest of the day together with Loki helping me connect with my magic and for the first time since my accident, I haven't hated my powers. If anything I enjoyed it and I felt myself embracing this side of me which I rather like. I'm glad Loki turned up when he did otherwise I think I would have killed myself and I would have regretted it. He is right, I have people who care about me and my magic shouldn't be hated or feared anymore. Its apart of me, a part of me.

After a few hours, Loki helps me make dinner so I don't have to use Jarvis and I just tell him what to do and how. He doesn't seem to mind and after the lasagne is cooked, we eat together on the sofa for a change and it's nice. I feel a bit better now that I can connect with my magic and that I know I am not alone, everything feels a bit easier. I can do this. I can do this.

"You seem more relaxed." Loki says as we finish dinner, "Your mind isn't screaming out."

I shrug, "I don't feel like a freak anymore even with the blindness."

"You never were a freak." He tells me, "You will be ok and I will show you how to use your magic and all the things you can do. Your life will get better."

I force a smile, "I hope so."

Then he asks, "What else did you do? Your job? Your hobbies? Is there really none of it that you can do?"

"Not really. I used to work in a lab studying all the sciences of the world so can't do that but I loved writing as well. Wrote too many books but can't really do that either. Most I can do is read but the braille books are horrible and I ran out of audiobooks." I tell him, "I guess I will find something to do."

"Braille books?" He asks, sounding confused.

I nod, "Yeah they are books for blind people. You basically feel the letters so you know the words but it takes forever and the books are not the best."

He shakes his head, or I think he does, "Those are not books. No books that I have heard off and I love books. What is your favourite book? Out of all the ones you have read?"

"Mmm I love Shakespeare's books like Hamlet, Coriolanus, Macbeth or anything by Arthur Conan Doyle, sherlock ones are amazing especially Study in Scarlett and Return of Sherlock Holmes. Not to forget Harry Potter books are legendary." I say, going on and on, "There are so many books, I could go on forever."

This makes him chuckle, "You love books like I do…" I see his hand move and I think he has summonsed something but I can't tell with the lines, "Study in Scarlett, fascinating, detective novel. Let me read it to you."

I look at him surprised, "Loki you don't have to."

"I insist." He states, "There is no way you are missing out on your favourite stories."

With that I give in and move closer to Loki so I'm shoulder to shoulder with him and listen to him as he begins reading. It's quite soothing listening to his voice and hearing him tell one of my favourite stories. I end up resting my head on his shoulder as he keeps reading and I'm so relaxed. It's lovely and yet the hours have ticked by and I'm tired. It's extremely late but I don't want to stop listening and Loki is being so nice to me. So charming and I don't want to move.

He hears me yawn and stops, "We will continue tomorrow. You need to rest."

I nod, sitting up properly, "Thank you Loki, you really didn't have to do that for me but listening to you was very soothing."

"I'm pleased to hear it, you seemed to relax." He says, sounding pleased, "Do you need help to your room?"

I shake my head as we stand up, "No I'm ok, thanks though and thanks for today."

"You're most welcome Katrina."

He kisses my hand, making me giggle before I leave him be and go into my room. I shut the door and change before collapsing into bed. Falling into a deep sleep where I am greeted by pleasant dreams and I feel at peace. Feel at peace for the first time in 3 years.