Chapter 5

1320 – 04 | 25 | 20XX

JAMESON SPHERE

CORTEX OPERATIONS

DIAMOND DIVISION, SECTOR 42

When the meeting was dismissed, I hurriedly went to teach my students. As much as I wanted to stay in my room, and rest, I just could not wrap my mind in the idea of solitude. I need to be in a sea of people—I need to be in the storm of human noise.

The day went in a blur of teaching my first year students the proper form for self-defense; having my second years taught about the Principles of Light so that they know where to hide in the shadows and where to look for the light source; and then I took my coding classes but basically dozed off in the middle of the session.

The instructor did not bother to wake me up. Actually, he did not bother anyone whether his students were listening or not, he just continued blabbing. Grand was not there earlier—he was supposed to take the Coding classes with me.

"Hey, Kath," Riri asked, catching my attention as she waved her asparagus-speared fork in front of me. "Are you sure you're really okay? Because you don't seem like it." She munched the asparagus, giving me her questioning stare while munching her food.

"I don't really know, Riri," I honestly said. "It just felt so rushed and I don't know what to do. I'm so lost. I need to talk to the prisoner tomorrow."

I rubbed my temples just thinking about the task I need to do especially now that I knew that the General Assembly will take place three days from now.

"Well," she started, mouth stuffed. "You should start tomorrow. Take a rest today. You know what, maybe you should talk to Grand. He was so silent ever since you broke up." She made some heartbreak gestures.

I just rolled my eyes on her. "Shut up, ugh."

"Just saying, Kath." I took my eyes off her and inspected the cafeteria. Grand was not here. Was he even eating? "Honestly Kath, you have broken up a lot of times. I know that. Both of you dated different people for a short time before tying it back again. I know you love each other. Hell, Grand did not abandon his post and insisted that we use the jet despite the fact that we have to abandon our hideout in the Ruby Division."

"He did what?" I incredulously asked.

"Grand convinced Commander Jameson to leave the hideout in the Ruby Division because you know, getting the mafia boss is so much better than getting the blueprints. And yeah, he also said that the Sphere could not afford to lose you because you're one of the most skilled agents. Blah blah blah," she replied. Riri said those last words gesturing in the air. One thing that I should be aware of when talking to her is her hands.

"But why did he do that?"

"I don't know. He still loves you?" she retorted, then gulped her smoothie. "To be honest, I don't know what's with the both of you. You're good together. But you end up hating each other. Hey, remember he stood up for you kanina. You should take note of that."

My mind was a jigsaw puzzle that I couldn't comprehend. Grand convinced the Sphere Commander to let me escape using the jet, compromising our location.

"You know what, I know about this new boutique in Quezon where they sell authentic Hermes bag…"

Riri kept on talking but I could not fathom what she was talking about. All that I could think of was Grand's deed. Why did he do that to me? I don't understand him. The reason that we broke up was because he became so controlling, he kept getting angry when I took dangerous missions. I don't know what to feel now: did he order the jet to save me because he does not trust me escaping through the traditional way or, did he do that to protect me? I was thankful, but I don't know what to feel.

I stood up and stuffed my plate and bowl on the tray. "Ri, I should go." Then I left her there, while mumbling something after me. I put the tray and plate in the residual corner, and walked fast out of the cafeteria. What's with Grand? I thought he was offended at me. God, I don't understand him.

Because of my thoughts, I didn't notice that I was in the elevator. I just pushed the 10th floor where he had his bunk. When the elevators opened, I walked the hallway towards his room. I did not know what to say but I need to talk to him right now.

When I reached his room, I entered the password to his room. It granted me access; guessed he didn't change his password—still our anniversary. As I opened the room, I saw that it was empty but the lights were on and the shower was running.

Then, the water stopped as if he heard that someone entered his room. The translucent door slid open to the side. He was wearing nothing save for the towel wrapped around his waist. Droplets of water was dripping from his soaked hair, tracing lines on his face, down to his toned body.

"What do you want?" he asked, his eyes showing no emotion.

I did not beat around the bush and asked him directly the questions that had been bugging me since the night before, the meeting, and the dinner with Riri. "What I want? Why are you doing this to me?"

He sauntered towards me, his left hand holding the towel at the side. "What are you talking about, Katharina?"

"Cut the crap. You know what I'm talking about, Grand." He pierced me with those eyes, so pure and kind, but taming all the same. He had kept me at bay, but I hated it when he controlled me. "The password on your room? The jet? Really? Convincing the commander to abandon the hideout? What's wrong with you?"

Now he raised his voice. "Can't you just be thankful? I saved you from that pandemonium, and all you have for me is that you question my intentions?"

"Shut up! I'm thankful, but I know what you were thinking about. You don't trust that I could do that mission!"

We're shouting now.

"Don't be so prideful, Katharina. We both know that if it weren't for me, you'd be a captive by now!"

"That's not the point—"

"Well, then tell me that point, Kath! Tell me!"

I walked towards him and stabbed my index fingers against his chest. "You don't trust me because you think I couldn't do the mission, Grand! You called that jet even before I decided to bring Montreal with me. I told you the extraction contingency plan, not the damn jet!"

"God, what's wrong with you," he ran his free hand over his hair. "God, Katharina, I just wanted to protect—"

"There, there it is! You don't need to protect me all the time. I can protect myself," I screamed at him, frustrated.

He let out a growl, clenching his fist. "Why can't you just understand that I did that for your safety? It's done now, Kath! Done! You're alive. You brought the whore with you—"

I slapped him across the cheek.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Grand?"

"You slept with him, Kath! It hurts. It fucking hurts that I called your name over the line but you weren't listening to me!"

"Grand, we are broken up!" I shrieked. "We're not in a relationship, I am not entitled to subdue myself from whatsoever fidelity I should uphold. Don't you think it didn't hurt when you fucked with that bitch the last time we broke up? I saw both of you fucking, but did I say a word about it? None!"

I turned my back on him and went to the large window over the side. I lean my palm against the ledge; from here, I could see the city lights of Sector 42—Diamond Division. My heart was so heavy, and any minute now, I think the tears would come. Quietly, without looking at him, I calmly added, "What was her name again? Kristiana, was it? You know what, Grand? Don't pin me as the evil in this fucked-up love story. Because as much as I did mistakes, you did too."

The words hang in the air. He did not talk, and I did not focus on his reflection on the window pane. I let out a breath and a circle of fog shrouded the window. All that I could hear in this room was our heavy breathing. A relationship so toxic that Britney Spear's record label could make money out of it.

I didn't know what went wrong with us. No matter how much we figured out each other's mistakes, compromised, forgave, fell in love again, and cared for each other like a recurring detrimental cycle, we just ended up with our hands choking up each other's throat. I loved him, and I know he loved me. But love was not enough.

As long as he kept branding me as his, owning me like a piece of property, and controlling me because he does not trust me, the relationship wouldn't just work.

I knew who I was, and I knew my capabilities, my limits, and my weakness. And when I stumble, it's up to me if I stand firm. It doesn't mean that if I fall and scrape myself, he would stop me from falling again.

Grand could never protect me from hurt.

No one could protect someone from hurt. Only be there for them. Only be there to help them up.

But never to stop them—or limit their actions.

"I was wrong, okay? I'm sorry," he finally said. "Kath…" Grand's voice was aching. From the reflection, I saw him walking towards me. "Kath, you know how much scared I was when you almost died in that cartel shootout. When I saw you in a puddle of blood…when I thought I was gonna lose you…"

Now, I felt his arms wrap around my waist. He rested his face on the curve of my neck. Then I felt his tears on my neck. "Grand… That was so long ago," I said, gathering my strength. But tears were starting to fall from my cheek. I put my hands on top of his.

He inhaled deeply. "That was the most traumatic day of my life, Kath…" He sobbed. "You know much I love you."

I tilted my head to the side that my I felt my cheek against his wet hair. "Grand…" I did not know the response to that. It just felt…not the right timing. I still want him. But I need time now for myself. "Grand, you know how much I hate being controlled. You know that."

Tears were still streaming down my face. I did not wipe it away; instead, I tightened my grip on Grand's.

"I know, Kath," he stressed. "I know…"

We stayed like that for a while, listening for each other's cries. Hearing him hurt like this was like a blade plunging through my flesh. The pain was excruciating and I know he was hurting for me.

Then, after what seemed like eternity, I turned my body, facing him. I cupped his face inside my hands and then I wiped his tears. Though both our tears were dried, both our pains were still mirrored in each other's eyes.

At the same moment, we closed our eyes. We both didn't know what happened, it just went in a blur, in the heat of the moment, the emanating pain and want and ache and lust and memories and raging emotions and—

Our lips locked.

His hands went to my waist, and he lift me to the ledge. I felt his tongue on mine, exploring my mouth, and I was glad that all I ate for dinner was a cup of protein smoothie. In this masochistic kiss, I saw electrified colors bursting in the darkness of my closed eyelids.

The pain and the pleasure—the love and the hate mixing in a raw heat of desire. He let out a groan when I bit his lower lip, and smiled against his lips. This was closest that we had been since our break up last month, and no matter how much we did this, I never wanted him forcefully more than anything in this moment.

I smelled his mint shampoo and his shaving foam as I deepened our kiss. I heard his increased heartbeat and the pressure building in his hands, pushing against my waist, my fingers wrapped around the tangle of his wet golden locks.

We stopped for a while, gasping handful of breaths. I leaned my forehead against his, our faces merely away from each other. No talking. For the whole moment, we just delved into each other's eyes—swimming in the pool of our own brand of affection towards each other.

His eyes were the color of the abyss, a majestic black akin to the glimmer of a polished gun. I felt barred in the curl of his lashes, impossibly long and arched.

"Where are your glasses, Grand?" I whispered while looking at his eyes, my arms rested on his shoulders.

He chuckled. "Just over my nightstand." Grand gave one of his smiles—one that showed how impeccable he is. He looked so innocent, with his doe eyes that always spoke of comfort and care. "You're not gonna wear it tonight, right?" he added, unsure.

"No," I replied.

Both of us know what was about to happen tonight.