There are a few odd sentence constructions, but overall, it’s very good with a nice range of vocabulary.
Seems fine to me.
The beginning is an ok start. It reminds me of a military mission (especially with the use of nicknames/codenames like Serpent) but that mood quickly disappears and is never seen again in the rest of the chapters, so for consistency and introduction of story expectations, I don’t think this is best way to begin.
More importantly, however, the plot jumps all over the place. It’s a real shame because the level of writing is actually quite high, but the story suffers from clear direction and imperatives. There’s the whole Warrior cultivation going on, but for Atlas who’s the MC, there isn’t a clear drive or goal like be the best/rise to the top. After learning that the animals were like his family, we never hear from them again or why or how he’s closer to animals than humans filially.
What kind of life is Atlas aiming for? At this point, he just works as an assassin basically, but the action/events don’t clearly lead or build up to something. Maybe the goal could be revenge (which cliche, it can still be done refreshingly). Anyway, the events need to have a purpose in building to a climax, and that importance and direction should be clear.
Atlas is developed and characterized just fine. It’s all the other characters that are a problem. There’s simply too many of them. When Nam died I literally felt nothing. Why? Because I didn’t get to know him enough. When Atlas was upset over Nam? Still felt nothing. Why? Because the importance of Nam to Atlas wasn’t conveyed strongly enough. The better option would be to kill him off later after forming those deep connections. Yes, make the reader suffer upon his death!
Looking at Crow. Ok so Atlas is going to help him reach the next tier. But why?? Is this necessary? Will they go on missions together? How does Crow affect the rest of the plot and the next events? He wasn’t spoken of again after those first few chapters.
Hugh is fine. I already commented about Iris. Kristine is better. Just be careful of not individualizing and developing the girls in a story. Very easily they can become props or background ornaments in stories like these.
In general, don’t introduce so many characters. Develop and demonstrate their character and backstory to the reader and then continue weaving them into future events. If they aren’t mentioned for some time and reappear much later, then they should’ve been presently clearly and memorably enough that readers won’t be like huh, who’s this again? Stick to a literal handful of named characters, at least in the beginning. Unnamed side characters don’t count of course.
This okay overall. I feel like I don’t have a sound grasp on the cultivation tiers and how Warriors fit into society as well as their skills/duties etc. The details of actions and objects is done well, but the settings are unclear in parts, the moving from scene to scene. We go from Africa to house to orphanage to school in 21 chapters. This is a bit much.
Exactly 4 overall.
Your story has a lot of potential. The MC is crazy in a good way and is layered. The writing is high quality (just be careful of weird constructions). It’s just the lack of urgency or direction to plot and the over abundance of characters early on which spoil it.