1 Prologue: The Call to Cthulhu

Today I died. 33 years, 7 months, 12 days, 4 hours, 15 minutes and 11 seconds. All of it miserable and all of it ended in a freak accident that was deemed as a home invasion and murder rather than the colossal fuck up that it actually was. At least in death I get a bit of recognition, wrong though it may be.

Today started like any other. I woke up and started to get ready for work, throwing things around rather noisily. My fiance recently left me and took all my hard earned money before she left so I had nobody to disturb with the racket I was making. Fuckin bitch. My family sided with her, as I knew they would, saying if I wasn't so dreary and devoted to my work then she wouldn't have felt neglected and fallen out of love with me. Conveniently ignoring that she is a slimy two timing whore who had "started" to go out with the new doctor in town less than a week after she broke it off with me, and that I worked so hard so that I could provide for her incredibly excessive lifestyle. But I digress, and none of that matters now because I am dead, so back to how it happened.

After dressing and going through my daily hygiene routine I made my way downstairs to make a quick bagel before setting out. That was until I looked at my phone and saw the time. My alarm had been on silent and now I was going to be late. Deciding to skip breakfast, I hurried to my car, aaannnddd.... it didnt start. Filled with indignation and a growing lack of care for... well really anything in my life I head back into my home. Well I try to. My door wont open. It is unlocked, I used it just a couple minutes ago to get out but now....stuck. So I kick it. It bursts open, the door frame now missing a nice chunk, and past the point of caring I head towards the kitchen to make the breakfast I was going to skip earlier. I turned on the coffee maker, got myself a plate and mug, milk, sugar, bagel, spoon and knife. All the fixings for a quick but satisfying breakfast. I started to cut my bagel and so started the events that resulted in my awkward and thankfully misconstrued death.

The knife cut the bagel easily.... so easily that it continued straight on into my hand. "Fuck" I jerked my hand away from the knife and knocked the pot of coffee onto the ground. "Perfect, just wonderful." I put down the knife i had just cut myself with and glanced around for a tea towel or something i could use to clean the coffee or as I had started to think about it, something to stop my hand bleeding too much. Small, short lived, silver lining. No blood on my bagel, the knife cut incredibly smoothly so that was good. I took a step forward and slipped, my arms started to flail wildly in an attempt to regain my balance, and all I managed to do was slap the counter on my way down getting the wind knocked out of me by the floor. My eyes closed against the pain and brightness of the ceiling fan lights, i felt a dull thud against my chest and got sad. 'Ah man, no blood on the bagel but now its on the floor getting all dirty.' Or was it? I still felt it on my chest so as long as I was careful I could salvage at least this small thing from such a disastrous morning. Right? Wrong. I had opened my eyes and started to lean forward only to stop in shock. That was no bagel thumped against my chest. That wonderfully sharp knife that started it all was sitting, handle flush, against my chest and through my heart. Strength left my body and I flopped back onto the floor staring with morbid amusement at the knife that had robbed me of my life until darkness embraced me. What a shit show of a morning.

That is how I ended up hear, passing into the afterlife... kinda. A woman babbling away in front of me about how my death was tragic and ended up being assessed as a home invasion turned murder. The kicked in door, messy state of the house as if somebody had just thrown things around as they looked for valuables, and the 'defensive wounds' on my hand and arm from where i had cut myself and than slammed my arm onto the when i fell. All of it was 'clear signs' of a break in and murder. Not that it mattered to me, my life was over and honestly, thank goodness.

"Slow down" I raise my hand trying to stop the babbler. "Who the hell are you?" looking at her I had a feeling of recognition gnawing at my mind, it felt as if I had known her my whole life but couldnt remember her name. Which is insane, she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, perfect, divine even. Yet with that feeling of recognition was also a feeling of irritation, extreme irritation. With these feelings and her distinct appearance there should be no way I could forget her name. She gave me an offended look.

"I am your Goddess of course. You have been praying to me your whole life. How could you not recognize me? You should be overjoyed that I would come here to give you an offer." she puffed out her chest in indignation and a couple things made sense. Obviously she looked divine, she was. The feeling of recognition, as she said, I had been praying to her for almost my entire life. The irritation that was slowly starting to grow, the fact that I had worked so hard, been a pious man, provided for my family, my ex fiance, donated to my church only to be abandoned by EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. THEM. And now, a goddess that had done nothing for me except take my prayers and praise my whole life expected me to fawn over her? FUCK THAT!!

"Why The Fuck would I be overjoyed. I am dead. I had a terrible life. Accidents plagued and finally ended my life. I followed the rules, I was devout as a believer, I did everything I could as a boyfriend, I was a dutiful son, I was a supportive friend. AND YET, EVERYONE BETRAYED ME!?! My "friends" stabbed me in the back for work promotions. My fiance left me for another man after I gave her everything she asked of me. My family sided with her over their son, over their own brother. And your "Church" abandoned me, asked me to stop coming because it made my ex and the doctor fuck buddy feel awkward that I was around. So tell me. Why should I be overjoyed to see you? What have you ever done for me?" I was shaking, the irritation now a full blown boiling fury. If she wasnt a god i probably would have attacked her by now. I glared into her eyes and she looked away a bit sheepishly.

"I know it has been rough on you. But that's why I came here. You are right. You were a very devout follower, and it would be a shame if you lost your way because of this. I can't change other people, they have free will, they make their own choices. As for the other stuff, well, ummm, yea! We arent really supposed to meddle in the affairs of mortals." She puffed up again, proud of the way she spun things. "I'm here to give you a new life. A fresh start in a new world. A family just as devout as you are, a chance to have a better life. Just grab my hand and I'll send you on your way to start your brand new life." She smiled and extended her hands towards me.

I stared dumbly at her for a few seconds, watching her smile freeze in an awkward state as she kept her hand extended. "You cant change people. I get that. But you cant interfere in the mortal world? What kinda bullshit is that? You even stumbled for a second trying to find that excuse. If you cant interfere then how in the hell did your religion start? Why does your church teach that devoutness will bring you good fortune and a good life? Why make such promises if you arent going to keep them? And dont tell me some crap about you'll get all the promised in your new life. All you said was chance. You know what. Screw you. You wont give me a guarantee then lets see who will." I shook my head and turned away from her as her mouth opened and closed like a goldfish. She said "we" so that means there are more gods. But they are probably just as flippant with the lives of their followers as she is if they came up with crap like "not supposed to meddle" but still have religions. Hmmm, I wonder if he is real? Well, I dont think he'll be in a group with her so why not give it a shot. Looking around the void we are standing in I shout "HEY CTHULHU!?! YOU OUT THERE?"

The goddess across from me spasms and starts to shout "YOU CANT!!! WHAT DID YOU DO? WHY?" before shuddering, her eyes widening and wrapping her arms around herself as we both turn slightly to face towards the sound of a deep, unnatural, guttural, chuckle. A rift in the void as a nightmare in flesh steps through and shifts, dissolving and reforming from a massive tentacled horror into a tall, incredibly handsome man, dressed in a perfect cut green suit, a gold watch. His bright smile and piercing golden eyes that were filled with amusement, excitement, and an ever present barely controlled madness, focused on me. A smooth voice followed by a most charismatic chuckle, a far cry from the terrifying sound that had issued earlier. "You called?"

My entire being was shaking, such terror and now a cordial man. Yet he still radiated the same power as the monstrosity from before. Such a presence made the goddess seem like less than an ant before him. I swallowed and looked into the eyes of madness itself and nodded "I did."