42 Some kinda race

Author's notes: Man I was drunk when I remembered I was supposed to write a chapter. But when I got to the blank page, I just didn't know what to write. So I took another shot and decided on writing crack. Apologies for lower quality as I'll probably just knock out after writing this instead of actually proof reading for mistakes. I'm a sleepy drunk.

∞

"Welcome to all contestants who have gathered here today!" Gold spoke loudly into the microphone while sitting down at a white table.

"Due to recent events, the grail has decided that it wishes to change the contents of this war to a race! The church has agreed due to believing it to be less chaotic than the first couple nights! Totally not my fault!" He was announcing from within a room high above the stadium. The stadium was located within the dimension that his Cloud District resided in.

"No, I think it definitely was your fault." Irisviel spoke from beside him as she was one of the announcers. Below them, the racers consisted of all the current masters and servants still alive.

"Shush Irisviel. Due to it being unanimously voted that allowing me to participate would be too dangerous, I have been relegated as the announcer! In the mean time, Caster must race without me." Gold said with fake sadness.

"Oh this looks fun! None of my alternates have had the chance to be an announcer for one of these yet!" The red eyed old man on the side who was Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg added happily from the third seat. Supposedly due to Gold's actions, the Clock Tower had asked the old Kaleidoscope user to keep an eye on him.

"Ah Zelretch. I'm legally obligated to inform you that due to prior incidents, all Isekai Trucks have been equipped with a function to immediately erase any version of you from existence should you attempt to get inside an Isekai Truck." Gold stated away from the microphone. Since he was sober this time, he was legally obligated to say that despite being retired.

"It was one time, and it wasn't even me that did it!" Zelretch grumbled

Originally the user of the Kaleidoscope only had the ability to view into dimensions within the Nasuverse. However a version of Zelretch had caught the eye of a R.O.B. who had changed the Kaleidoscope to be able to view ALL realities in the omniverse. This in turn gave every other Zelretch the same ability along with anyone else who obtained the 2nd True Magic down the line.

Supposedly a Zelretch had stolen an Isekai Truck driver's truck at some point. Unless a R.O.B. were to personally give it, it counts as multiversal property. Authorities were eventually able to apprehend the Zelretch, but not without great difficulty.

"I thought you said that you would procure a vehicle." Kotomine Kirei said to the rest of his surviving Hassan servants. There were about 60 of them left after Caster's assault on the first night.

"Do not worry my lord." A female Hassan of the hundred faces assured as she gave a signal to all the other personalities.

"What in god's name is that!?" someone shouted as they saw the Hassans move together in sync.

Somehow the group of 59 Hassans merged and transformed themselves into a dark looking biological vehicle. It radiated a deathly aura that would scare off any normal man.

"Such resourcefullness!" Rider complimented as he watched the entire thing from the side.

"Rider, are we even allowed to just use your chariot?" Waver asked oddly as he was unsure if they allowed flight in the race.

"Relax boy, even if they didn't. I am of the Rider class, victory would be assured even if we were to ride one of those bicycles!" Rider declared with confidence in his riding abilities

"My lord, leave it to me. The Lancer class is known as the fastest for a reason! I shall not fail you!" Diarmuid reassured his master as Kayneth was currently riding on Lancer's shoulders with Volumen Hydrargyrum in the form of a seat. Apparently they had decided to capitalize on the fact that Lancers are the fastest class.

"Hmph! You better not, your performance so far in this war has been inadequate." Kayneth grumbled.

"I never thought that things would turn out this way when I bought this bike." Kiritsugu puffed out a smoke before the race as he stood next to the Yamaha V-Max that he had prepared for the war.

"With this mount and my high rank in riding, I could contest even with Rider right now!" Saber stated confidently as her rank in Riding was currently A with Kiritsugu as a master.

"Judging by the rules, it seems there aren't any against attacking the other racers after it begins." Kiritstugu hummed in thought. It was a dangerous race. Instead of a war that was dragged through several nights and skirmishes, he felt that this would be much more chaotic despite ending today.

"You can do it papa!" he twitched a bit as he looked up to the announcer box. Illya was next to Irisviel, holding a sign that said 'Daddy is the best'. He wasn't sure why and how Gold had brought Illya to this race, but he was between ticked off and happy that his daughter was cheering him on.

"If you have any last minute plans, I suggest you do it now because were about to begin!" Gold's voice sounded over the speakers again, signalling for all racers to get ready.

"Wait a damn minute! Why the hell wasn't I invited!?" Archer Gilgamesh appeared in the air on top of his Vimana with Tokiomi standing by his side. It looked like he had forced his way through the Cloud District's dimension.

"Fuahahaahahaha! There is no need for you brat! For I am here! One of me is enough for the world!" Caster Gilgamesh declared with his signature laugh.

"Nonsense! For I am the greatest version of myself, it is only natural that I should be the one to appear!" Archer Gilgamesh declared before pointing towards the announcer box. "And you dare not to invite me!?" he was pointing at Gold.

"Well, two Gilgameshes are a bit much." Gold said as having more than one Gilgamesh felt like overkill.

Above the contestants, a large timer was counting down the seconds. When it had reached zero, the buzzer horn went off.

*BOOM* A loud explosion shook the stadium as Saber and Kiritstugu drove out first. It seems he had planted bombs beneath the other contestant's vehicles.

"Hah! You think such pathetic tricks are enough to phase me?" Kayneth's voice sounded out as Lancer rushed out of the smoke, apparently he was sliding on Volumen Hydrargyrum to increase his speed. The liquid metal looking material had protected them from the explosion.

"Was that even allowed!?" Waver's voice sounded out from the smoke as Rider's chariot rode out.

"Of course, the only goal of this race is to reach the finish line. Whether you fly, drive or kill eachother. All is fine, why do you think were racing in this dimension?" Gold answered over the speakers as the other riders exited the smoke unharmed.

∞

Well I had decided to just wrap up this war. Originally I came here to fight, but after recent events, I'm just not in the mood anymore. I blame a certain golden bastard for that. So I turned the war into a race, carnival phantasm style.

It's weird having admin priviledges in this world, I can quite literally look at the root if I wanted to. But the last time I looked at the root, I got an indescribable urge to erase it and turn it gold. So I've just ignored the root after that. My admin priviledges will go away after I leave the Nasuverse.

I need to make a list of things that I could possibly do to repress that golden bastard. If worst comes to worst, I'll try to ask an alternate for help but i'd like to avoid doing that if possible.

"I'm amazed Lancer's able to keep up despite only using his body." Irisviel said in surprise as Lancer really was going fast as he continued to use his natural speed and Kayneth's magecraft to propel himself forward.

"I didn't expect Volumen Hydrargyum to be used in such a way." Zelretch said surprised that Kayneth was capable of coming up with such a method of using his magecraft.

"However, there is a problem with it..." I said as I continued watching everyone reach a long rainbow bridge that I stole from Mario Kart.

"What problem is that?" Irisviel asked.

"He can't turn." Zelretch stated as the duo of Kayneth and Lancer were unable to stop themselves the moment they had reached a turn on the rainbow.

"AAAAAHHHHHH!!" Kayneth and Diarmuid's yells sounded out from the darkness after they had fallen off the rainbow.

"LANCER GA SHINDA!" Illya cried out. Did I subtly force her to say that? I actually didn't, I think it's just a universal law at this point.

∞

Riding on the Gordius Wheel. Iskandar was currently protecting his master from a hail of bullets.

"Rider! We need to do something about Saber's Master!" Waver said frantically as he hid under Rider's cape for protection.

"Calm down boy, the master of Saber is not the issue here." Rider said as he looked like he was visibly searching for something

"Then what is!?"

"Hm... There you are! Assassin!" Rider exclaimed, blocking a flying dagger from behind. A bolt of lightning crackled as it was launched towards an empty area. The dark car composed of the Assassins were revealed from the area.

"They can use presence concealment like that!?" his master said surprised.

"To the skies!" Rider commanded as the chariot ascended into the air, away from the Assassins.

"It looks like they're going after Saber now." Waver noted

"Keep your wits about you boy, it seems we have entered another field of battle." Rider solemnly stated as they looked over at a flying gold ship and a truck fighting it out in the air.

∞

"For a pitiful little toy, it seems to be sturdier than I had first thought." Archer Gilgamesh stated as he noticed his blades were incapable of even putting a scratch on the Isekai Truck.

"Of course, I believe I told you that my apprentice was resourceful! Fuahahahaha!" Caster Gilgamesh laughed as the rocket thrusters accelerated, smashing into the Vimana.

FLASHBACK

"You want to use my truck?" Gold raised a brow.

"Indeed, for your things are my things!" Caster declared haughtily.

"... I guess it's only fair since I'm using the gate." Gold sighed with a facepalm. "But I need you to read the manual first!" He wasn't going to let Gilgamesh go into a race without reading the manual.

"Very well, hand it over and I shall peruse it shortly." Caster relented seeing how serious Gold was about his truck. Gold took out a large book the size of a dictionary.

"I did not expect a manual to be this thick." He blinked at the sight of the large hard cover book.

"This is only the first manual of three." Gold stated ignoring Caster's speechless expression.

True to his word, Gilgamesh had memorized all three manuals and the thousands of functions it had within it.

PRESENT DAY

"My King! We are heading towards the ground!" Tokiomi shouted out as the Vimana was falling towards the ground for some reason. He was forced to hold onto Gilgamesh's chair as the enchantments to allow other riders not to fall had failed.

"OLD MAN, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?" Archer Gilgamesh roared out as he was unable to control the Vimana anymore.

"FUAHAHAHAHAHA! PAGE 2185: All Isekai truck bumpers are capable of nullifying all types of magic in the omniverse!" Caster Gilgamesh quoted the page from the manual.

"Huh, even I didn't know that." Gold blinked as he honestly just skimmed the manuals back then. He had barely passed the exam to be a driver at the time.

∞

"Saber, keep it steady." Kiritstugu narrowed his eyes, standing on top of the speeding armored motorcycle.

"I have found you Kiritstugu Emiya!" Kotomine Kirei appeared from the popped off hood of his vehicle. Black keys enlarged within his hands as he faced the Magus Killer.

*BANG*

"The origin round didn't work?" The magus killer widened his eyes in surprise, only for a hail of daggers to appear in front of him.

"Invisible air!" A torrent of wind bursted back from the motorcycle, blocking a hail of daggers.

*CLANG* A head on melee fight between Kirei and Kiritstugu on vehicles was inevitable.

"Kick his ass daddy!" Illya's voice sounded out from the speakers. Irisviel was horrified of her daughter's language, then she turned a glare towards Gold.

"What? It wasn't me!" Gold defended himself as he pointed over to Zelretch.

"Hahahaahahahaha!" The dimensional vampire was laughing his ass off in amusement.

At the end of the day, Caster Gilgamesh emerged victorious because no one could defeat Truck-kun. Instead of wishing, he simply drank some wine from the cup and Gold left the Nasuverse.

"Oh shit, I FORGOT AVALON!" Gold cried out indignantly as he forgot one of the reasons he went to the Nasuverse in the first place.