1 THE DAY I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF

"I'm Alan Joseph, nice to meet you, I'll be in your care", fuck, maybe not like this, "Hi, I'm Alan Joseph, new transfer kid", is this right? I don't know. Living in this new place is nothing close to the dream city it claims to be, our plants were vandalized the day we got here, windows are shattered in this 1 bedroom apartment and man all I was thinking was for me to find a good description for the first day of school, it was me and my mother having a dinner, "Maa, I really wish if you could come with me on the first day", she was soft on her reply, "I know honey, but my job demands me 6 in the morning, your college is 8 in the morning, I'm so sorry sugar", that's the last conversation I had with her, I also have a sister, the prime reason we moved to this city besides my mother's job as the clerk in Central Bank, she suffers from spine cancer, the type of one that keeps giving you runny, bloody nose, it wasn't till a week ago that we found out she had aplastic anaemia, what is life?

My mom does the best for our living, dad is an alcoholic, he barely walks, that's why we left him back in my hometown. With that said, it's morning! First day at High school, am I excited? No, most certainly I'm not. But I need to be encouraging for my sister, before school I gave her a visit, "You are the bravest one I know!" I surprised her in room, she gave me a shallow smile, "Its your school time, why are you here in hospital?", I gripped the flowers I carried for her, "I thought of paying you a visit, beautiful", she continued with her shallow smile, "Mom came by early morning, she said you weren't awake, are you having proper sleep?", she was worried irrespective of her own problems, "I am, intact and I am thinking of starting my own writings now, I tend not to push load on her", I replied as I took a stool and stood right beside her, "New school, new city, I am so sorry Alan", she had teary eyes and she gripped my hand, "You think it's problematic? Look at you Selena, all worked out for me, I want you to think like nothing has changed, we are still happy little family", I gently pulled her hand to my head and kissed it, "Don't worry, it's the life, it takes its time" Placing the flowers beside her I went for my school.

The school I got into was not so terrible, 'Rosewood High' what a fancy name! My first experience you ask? Fucked up. I walked in the corridor always the wrong time, I see a kid addressing his locker and a bunch of bullies on him, I tend to often ignore such situation without a strong upper hand, but the boy started crying when they pulled his underwear up his back. Maybe it was the first mistake I made here in Rosewood high but certainly not the last, they slammed him on the ground and I went to pick him up, "Are you Okay dude?", I asked giving him a helping hand, "Who the fuck is this clown?" one of the kids asked, "I'm new around here" I gave a stuttering reply as we both got up, one of the 3 bullies was Rick hamster, the kid of the guy who funds the school, other were the Dalton twins, kids of the woman who is the riches of the city, Ms. Wolmey Dalton. "Man, get off of him, he is our toy" one the Dalton twins pushed me back and the other punched the kid again, "Hey! Stop that!" I yelled and punched the one who pushed me, Rick was good in his body physic. I still remember that day carefully, both the twins pushed me in the corner while Rick punched my gut to me bleeding from my mouth, "This is what you get asshole, never fuck with us" they walked away, though it might not look like an issue where you would get punched in your gut till you bleed for a normal person to just have stopped a fight, it was to them, it's the society which treats them with their ultra privileges, the janitor saw everything and ran to complain the principal of the school, meanwhile I got up, dusted off my clothes and took my bag as I went to the same kid who was less knocked out than me, he pushed me back, "Fuck off asshole, if you wouldn't have intervened, I wouldn't have gotten so much beaten up just fuck off" he stood up and left, the janitor soon came in and grabbed me by my hand, "Principal wants to see you".

"Do you know what you did?" the principal calmly sat on his furry chair, "I know Sir, I stopped some bullies and instead I got jumped on" the principal frowned, "Its your first day! At least don't lie on the first day!" I was shook, "Lie? Why would-" he stopped me, "The janitor was good, he at least told me how you tried to assault Rick and the twins, this is how you were treating everyone in your hometown as well? On the first damn day?" he yelled and yelled yapping I don't know how much more, he took out my file from the newly admitted register, "Alan Joseph is it?" I was still stuttering, "Y-yes sir" your mother is an accountant at the central bank, and your sister is terminally ill, do you know the people you were trying to assault in the corridor? Rick, kid of the guy who funds this damn place and Dalton twins, kids of the richest woman in this city". He kept going on and on about their various achievements and how they literally did everything he fucking knew in his life, I couldn't do anything but smile at him often "Yes sir" quoting as well, he and I both heard the bell, "Alright off you go, I'll keep a personal eye on you" he said as I walked off that door. Walking towards my class I saw the same janitor counting the papers he made with the false claim, he looked towards me and smiled. The first class was history, one of the things he didn't saw on my form was my passion for history, "Hello and good morning class! My name is Harold Mestek, I'll be your history teacher for this year" he was charismatic, Mr. Harold fewer sane people of this city, time flies with good company, I'll tell you that from my personal experience and when it's bad times, every fucking second look like years, that too is a personal experience, he kept us busy with the topic he thought was cool to start the year, "King Kenneth 1 Macaplin! Ever heard of him?" he asked the class who, fortunately, wasn't bored, it was his charisma mainly, "He was the king who declared Scotland as a nation in 843" I softly replied, "yes! You, the third bencher! Stand up!" I think it's okay to say at this point that I was an introvert in those high school days, slipping my chair backward with my knees, I stood up, "He united several small rulers and claimed the territorial as Scotland in 843" my voice, as my character was slow and shallow, "Are you trying to whisper someone? Is it actually happening?" This was his taunt, Harrington Dalton, the elder twin. It was okay I assumed for people to laugh at me, I felt like it was a good joke as well, "though folks, his answer is right! The guy did really laid the foundation of Scotland" Mr. Harold gave me a smile, "good guess kid, sit now" I wanted to say that it wasn't a guess, I was a profound reader of history and mythology but I was a failure of saying so. The rest of the classes were pretty average, incidences that play with your mind won't happen ever so often, then there is no game in that. The break was not so big as well about an hour I think, I had some cold leftovers of dinner, I foiled them well and brought myself to eat them at this small garden thing right outside my class.

There is the time I first met her, Mary Gwendoline, the love of my life, wife, best friend and whatever I could add to it, though we weren't so familiar and she even admitted later on in our married days that she felt I was a weirdo and that she wouldn't bother with such people. That's when it happened, she was a volleyball freak so she along with fewer friends they practiced and one of them pointed me out, "Mary, look, that freak is constantly watching you!" Sarah Bleck whispered to her, she looked at me and like any other guy getting caught for starring I pinned my head like it was nothing. She, along with her crew walked up to me, "You, yeah you, what's your name?" she had a bold, passionate voice, "Al-ala-" I felt my stomach grumbling, not out of hunger but out of the beating I took this morning, "What? You never talked to girls?" Sarah replied to my stuttering, "No, it's jus-" I felt like wanted to vomit, really bad, so I stood up, "Gimme a minute" and I rushed to the washroom, "Man, this city is really getting flooded with freaks and creepos recently" Sarah said but Mary watched in silence as I walked awkwardly past them tightening my mouth with my left hand as I felt some blood is about to come out, and it did, I was disgusted, as maybe some of the readers, it tasted sour, I washed my face drank some tap water and spit some out, put my finger in my mouth to grab that one piece of clotted blood out of my Uvula, some were also stuck around my tonsil, I forced them out as well. It was not anything less then a nightmare, I felt petty to myself as I looked in the mirror, I was a kid who was bullied since childhood, my father would usually come home just to beat me up, sometimes mother too, that's the way of life in my hometown. I thought I could make it better in this city, guess I was wrong, horribly wrong. So I walked my way through the same road, a meat shop, a dessert shop, and a jewelry shop with some small-time pawn shops. The situation over at hospital was a no-good adder to my first day, I was halted to meet her as the doctor said she has gotten worse, she was given a lot of heavy medications and was forced to sleep, I could just watch her from outside as they sedated her and relieved her from the pains that made both her and me cry. There was she too, standing right outside but I didn't noticed, "You are the same weirdo from school" she saw me, I would say that I was out of word at that time, I just starred at Selena, she came close and gave her a glance, "Who is she?" she whispered in that busy lobby, "My sister" I replied as I pulled myself together and sat on the benches right opposite to her ward, "We never formally met each other did we?" she said as she sat beside me, I was scared, I didn't want to get bullied or flawed at again, I felt like a small bird protecting its nest, I crossed my arms, ", So I guess you are a weirdo" she laughed, it was a joke to her, maybe at that time I was furious at her, I honestly don't remember, "What's the Joke?" I asked, "No, nothing" she softly replied, "Mary, Mary Gwendoline, my dad's your sister's doc' " she forwarded her hand even though mine were crossed, I could see his dad come out and walk towards his cabin, it was out of my earshot, though he talked tense, "Dude? You okay?" I forgot that I had a handshake to do, "Y-yeah" I replied opening my crossed arms and did the first handshake of mine in this damned city, "Back then, at the garden, what was the problem?"

"The Problem?"

She seemed interested,

"The problem is this city! What is wrong with it? Early morning first day I got beat up by some bullies for saving a kid who instead spits on me and walks away, the janitor lies to the principal that it was me who started this ruckus and gets paid for it, the principal teaches me that if you have to live in this city you need to bootlick few people no matter how bad they are, no matter how much they bully you at the end of the day you have to serve your ass to them, then people think I am the weird one, here I walk with a fucking medical condition, have clotted blood around my mouth, had vomited all day, they think I have issues, this fucking city does"

Now I look back to it maybe I was angry at her I yelled and yelled with my eyes closed,

"Kid? Kid?!"

A nurse called me up, I opened my eyes and Mary was standing with her father, again out of my earshot, across the lobby, she pinched her ears to me and pointed the door, she hurried and left,

"I was asking if you can maintain silence!" the nurse yelled, "Yeah, I am sorry for that" she walked away too. The lobby, no doubt was busy and I was the only one yelling awkwardly, I stood up and walked to the room, she was fast asleep, they relieved her from her pain, before leaving the hospital I thought I'll pay Mary's dad a visit I knocked on his door, "Yes?" he had a bold voice, "Patient's concern" my stomach was trembling, "Come in Kid" he saw me in the mirror on the left of the room, the door was on the right, he had a comfortable setup.

"Sit down, we need to talk about Selena," he said, removing his big glasses he pulled out some papers beneath his desk, "Where's your mother?" he spoke with firmness, "Two jobs, she works double duties"

He ran his hand over his face then head looking at those paper, "The news, it's not good" he said taking a breath or two, "What's exactly on those papers?" I asked closing our gap,

"Aplastic Anaemia has a stage at which the patient completely runs out of white blood cells, zero functioning and that we can only keep her alive with our supply of blood bank"

"Can we do something about it?"

He rested his hands after running them over his head to the chair supports, "There is only one big, prominent solution besides her now monthly blood supply-"

"And? What's that?" I was curious and yet was scared of what he was about to say,

"Bone marrow transplant"

My eyes were wide open, as a fresh year high schooler I didn't know such things existed, "it is our only permanent shot at it"

I took a deep breath and crossed my arms again, "How much is the cost?" I said holding my stomach with my crossed arms, "It's difficult to say really, as much as I want you to have an estimation on it, I need you to talk to your mother on it first" we were disturbed by a call on his telephone, "hold a minute please" he started talking about some medical machinery and some medicines required at the pharmacy of this hospital. While he did, I looked around his room, degrees worth in success, photographs with successful people hanging on the wall and there was a lot of x rays worth in examples of various tumour cases and then there was a tiny frame of him and his daughter, Mary was beautiful since childhood I guess, he dropped the phone and saw me looking at the frame, "You study with her don't you?" he was yet bolder, "Yes, we are in the same class, found it out today myself" he smiled scratching his forehead, "she could be a nuisance sometimes, but she can be a great friend I tell you that bit" at times of these replies I tend to have a soft smile, "Yeah, we are still bit of strangers but I'll have to take your words on it" he replied with a smile too, so I stood up, "I'll be on my way then"

"Yeah sure" he got busy with the floor of files on his desk. I don't remember quite much of thoughts I had that time, I wanted to openly talk to him, I wanted to speak up because for me, he was the first person in the city to would've talked so formally.

Walking home, I recalled at the events of today, If I didn't had interrupted the bullying, was I going to be fine? If I'd yelled the answer, would it not have been seen as an arrow in the dark? If I'd told the ladies of my problem, would they'd considered me a creep? As I walked past several shops on the path, there was an old TV shop that had displayed several channels, news, music, movies, and sports, the music however, was the loudest, some countryside music and those little kids over the block were dancing at it too. I turned around right when I reached the TV that displayed news,

'And for today's debate, August, a month that decoded the Dalton corp's total net worth, estimated around 58 Billion dollars, they are now in the top ten riches in the world, a good day as we speak, joined here by Mick Kirby, the financial advisor in the central bank, Anna Lin, the secretory of Ms Dalton, and the last, former commissioner Jake Fenberg, first question is to you Mark, what's in stake to the people of the city, the common people, the tax payers?' a man with torn clothes stood besides me watching football on the other TV, he continued to scratch his head and drink some beer he had in a tiny glass bottle, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" he yelled at the player who missed the penalty, hearing to him the shop owner came outside, "Who the hell are you? Fucking homeless" he yelled at him and picked his broom gripping it tightly, "He is with me!" I replied to him as he relaxed the broom, "Is he your dad? You do know drinking is a legal crime in this city! I'll have to call the cops on you both!" he picked his phone, "I'm new around here actually, we both are, back in my hometown it is seen as a celebration you know? To watch football with a beer or scotch!" as I explained him he calmed his senses and went inside, "Just leave, don't make a scene out of this".

We both still stood there him watching his match and I the news, 'It certainly is a great time to be alive!' Anna shouted out loud, "Thanks for that kiddo" he said as I wondered how the fuck did the conversation ended up on generalizing everyone's life? "Don't mention pops" I replied looking at the match, he seemed angry because his team was on the losing side, "You still believe that shit?" he pointed his fingers to the debate, "Is there a thing not to?" I replied as he laughed, "and here I thought you were faking it ya' know, the whole new to this city" he giggled more, "Don't waste your time on that kid, those are some sold out mouths right there, fuckers don't give a shit about this city, don't even think anything that comes out of their mouth doesn't has a dollar or two hanging from it" as he said and the news went on, 'That's right folks, we should all be thankful to the Dalton's, for the their greatness comes greatness to this city. Thank you for tuning in for today's debate here are some news flashes for the headlines!'

"If everyone knows that they are a sell-out how are they still running?" I asked him as his anger rose over his team, "Everyone wants to be one kid, everyone wants to be the guy on the other end of this deal, the one who stashes their asses with money that is" the pointless news headlines were covering what the kids of actors, politicians wore, some weird fashion names, big fashion designers backing them and then some sports news, 'Today, the finals ar-' and the old man yelled kicking his left leg to the board right outside the shop, "Motherfuckers!!" and we both could hear the owner's footsteps, "Run! Just run!" He said as we both stepped right and ran with our feet jumping as high as we can, "Fucking strollers!!!" we could hear him yell. We ran for a good bit, across the taco stalls, passing over some cars , crossing green roads we ran back in the alley called Pacific Rise, it was short and overhead was a big metro platform, "Good run kid, you an athlete or what?" he said as he could barely catch a breath, I handed him my bottle of water I carried, "No, not really" I softly replied, "Try some water instead of your drink" he smiled and pulled his pants up, he lacked a belt so adjusting his pants he opened my bottle and drank, "You, people like you, ain't live long here" he handed me over and I replied, "Then who does?" I shoved it back in my bag, "The kinda ones you witnessed back then, the ship-owner, the poor kids minding their dance, the anchors or the bootlickers..." he took a hold of his breath and turned around, "...I'll tell you a secret....." he started walking opposite, "... The money is the poor and the power is for the riches, if you wanna dig somebody's grave, you dig two kid" soon he became a past picture for me as his image faded on the horizon of the alley we ran to.

I walked towards the other way to my home, the lights were off it looked, so I thought mom hasnt come from work yet, the other work she refused to tell me about, turning on the lights I realized we haven't arranged a lot of things. After having a brief break and watching some cartoon on the TV I decided to work on arranging things, putting utensils to drawers, clothes to wardrobe, books to a bookshelves that came along with the place, changed our blankets, washed dishes from morning, made us some instant ramen and in this work, the bell rang, I opened and it was mom, she rushed to her room, "Bath? Food? Mom, are you okay?" she didn't even let me finish it and closed the door, "Sweety give me some minutes okay?" she said the last thing and it's been 30 minutes she hasn't spoken anything, the phone in the room rang, it was a common line from our living room, she picked it up, so did I, "Fara, whatever happened today, make sure if stays between us, if anyone else gets to know about it or if you try to sue me, it'll be game over for your job, you fucking heard that?" at this time I thought to myself that she has been harrased, though the call made it clearer, "Also, wear read panties tomorrow" she was silence but helplessly replied, "As you say sir" the phone then got cancelled. I stood up and started banging on the bedroom door, "Mom, what the fuck happened today? Mom, open the door!!" she came hurriedly, "What? What happened?" she replied opening it, "the caller, who was he?" I asked, "No-nobody, relax Alan, nothing is wrong" she replied holding my head with her soft hands, "I heard it on the call, you was being harassed?!" she shook her head, "What? No." She took me to the living room, "Is that all you heard?" she said as we sat on the couch, "Yeah, I just wanna know who that guy was!" she smiled, "No one is getting harassed Alan, I don't know what you heard, it was Selena's doctor, he called me for the talks you and I were supposed to have" she shut down the conversation from happening, "Okay, you know what? Let's eat first" so we did, We ate some leftovers from morning including the instant ramen which was all cold now, she didn't spoke a word about that any further, "How was school though? It was your first day! Made any friends?" she said it all with a some, "No, not really, I was just getting famiar with the people around that place, very rich I guess" she laughed, "Rich? You go to a public school Alan" and I smiled back, "Yeah I didn't knew too" I didn't talked to her about anything else that happened today, she went to do the dishes while I finished the last minutes of cartoon I was watching initially, "I'm tired Alan I'm just going to go to Selena now" she kissed me on the forehead, "Sweet dreams" I replied with a smile, "Sweet dreams". So she went to the hospital, there was not a lot of things going on at that time on the TV some late night shows and some over the top dance and music channel, so I turned off the TV and walked towards the kitchen to get some water, she closed the door, I was supposed to sleep on the couch anyway, the mirror right opposite to the kitchen was big enough to fit my torso, I looked into it and I saw myself having a bad day in my eyes, bullied in morning, avoided in noon, ignored in evening too and being lied to in the night. I raised two fingers of my left hand to my neck thinking if it would make a knife suitable enough to slit my throat at once, coming to my senses I realized it would make a great character though, someone who kills people with a knife embedded in his fingers, it would make a great bad guy, but looking at the mirror and taking inspiration from my own suicidal thoughts killed the idea, for now.

I ran out to get some air, I haven't been to the nearest park, William Smith park, I huge dome of greenery in the middle of the city, luckily we got the cheap apartment not so far from it, I walked in the quite night and back at home, mom woke up, she redialled the number, "He is gone, talk now" the night was mostly quite but there was a woman sitting on the light pole right infront of the monument in the park, the lights were twinkling and the wind shattered the whiteness of the night,

"yeah so as I was talking, Selena's situation is critical but can we talk about Alan?"

"about him? What?"

"Don't play nice Fara, you and I both know it's a serious situation"

she looked to me and her eyes turned red, completely red, she bled from her mouth and held her stomach, "Do you...." I backed off, "You don't know me?" she replied with her mouth full of blood, she spat the blood out on the floor and started murmuring,

"We all know that the light is dim....we all see ol' Jim is broken...and the sight is fogged....."

"his medical condition, the syndrome. He was imagining things again"

She sat on the platform as I looked away,

"We all see the riches haunting.... Everybody knows the good guys were robbed...."

"I was told that it was not chronic, why is it still up?"

"Everybody sees that the naked man on the cross died for nothing, everybody owns them a lamp or grim..."

"have you talked to him about how his day went? Things that actually happened and things he imagined happening?"

"No I didn't"

She started crawling towards me and I started walking back, "Don't disturb him, he is a friend" an old man in priest's clothes sat right on the bench beside me,

"He has started hallucinating a lot, he overheard our talks but he said that I was getting harassed or something"

"We need a proper talk on this, meet me at my office tomorrow morning"

The old man smiled, "Come sit young man, let's talk".