9 Haruhi's Birthday Party

... What the hell is this birthday party?

I don't know much about parties but I'm sure as hell it isn't like this.

I scanned my surroundings and found that there are three broken things in this place. First, the window. Second, the door. And last but definitely not the least, my head.

I mean, how the hell would you even describe this place?

***

It all started when I messaged Mom last night to notify her about Haruhi's birthday. She got mad, asking me why I only notified her 12 hours before the party. That's because I know she'll go overboard with her present and shit like that. Needless to say, less than 6 hours before her party, she still went overboard.

The next step for this "How to destroy a party: Step by Step guide" is notifying my Dad, Shiro. about the birthday party. First of all, I didn't notify him because I thought he's going to be busy about work but apparently my Mom did. I didn't know all of this up until he wound up at my door, yelled "I'm going in!" and just barged in. Yeah, that's right. BARGED in. He didn't open the door. He just went through the fucking door. He then said "How are you, Kuro?" in a deep and commanding voice. He's still wearing his military uniform which has now grown tighter because he became bulkier. He had Greek sculpted type of muscles you see in museums. In short, his muscles are hard as fuck. He's basically the "goals" of everyone trying to make their body bulkier but not in a body builder way.

Yume... Is just Yume. She's actually the first one in here and for once, she's not wearing a tracksuit. She's wearing a one piece white dress and a hat that makes her look like she's going to the beach than a party. But, hey, I won't complain. Oh, and of course her dog is still here.

So now, I find myself in this situation. Two of the most dangerous people sitting on the couch. Namely my Mom, a former assassin, and my Dad, the head of the military. Both playing a game where you play an assassin and assassinate targets. Sitting beside them is a beast tamer, playing with her dog, and another former assassin watching my Mom and Dad play.

"Uhh... I think it's time to open the presents?"

I raised one of the presents lying on top of the table.

"Oh, is it that time? Alright!"

Mom dropped the controller and went to pick her present up. Dad and Yume followed. Haruhi is just sitting quietly on the couch waiting for us.

"Here you go! Open it!"

My mom handed Haruhi her present with a beaming smile.

"Okay!"

She smiled back and opened the present.

...

"Mom, what the fuck?"

"What?"

She looked at me like I was the one unreasonable.

"Why would you give Haruhi a box filled with poison!?"

"Ehh? She's an assassin, right? She must be fond of them or something..."

Haruhi looked at me with eyes that says "what the hell do I do with this?"

I shook my head in disbelief and put the present away on the coffee table.

"I'm next! Hahahaha!"

My dad gave his present with a big smile and a thunderous laugh.

Haruhi, still wary because of the last present, did her best to receive the present with a smile. The moment it landed on Haruhi's lap, she had an uncomfortable look on her face. Maybe the present is too heavy for her?

She started cleanly taking the wrapping away and what greeted her was a M4A1 rifle.

"... Dad, what the fuck?!"

"What? It's the perfect present!"

"Yeah! For you military nuts!"

"Hahahaha! You sweat the little stuff!"

He clapped my shoulder, hitting it to the point it turns red or detaches itself from my body.

Haruhi just looks at the rifle, not sure what to do with it. She tilted her head from side to side trying her best to figure the thing out.

"Oh? You don't know how to use a rifle?"

My dad, seeing this, piqued his interest.

"So basically..."

Goddamn it, there goes my dad, giving her a lesson how to handle a rifle. After awhile Haruhi got it and can actually use the gun up to the point of aiming. She couldn't fire the gun because she'd fly backwards from the recoil.

I raised the barrel of the gun and took it away from Haruhi.

She smiled and thanked me.

"Okay! My present!"

Yume raised her hand.

Mom and Dad looked at her with eyes who're sizing up someone's power level.

"By the way, who's this girl, Kuro?"

Mom looked at me inquisitively.

"Oh, she's Yume. I met her when I took Haruhi to the park."

"I don't approve polygamy!"

My dad suddenly interjected.

"Shut up, Dad!"

"Hahahahaha!"

He just laughed his ass off. He's always like that, doing everything just to pull my leg.

But then his face suddenly turned serious.

"But if that's the case, I'd have to arrest my own son. That'd be a national scandal!"

He looked at me with furious eyes.

"I'm not a lolicon! Goddamn it!"

***

After being the butt of the jokes of Mom and Dad for what seemed like a hell hour, Yume finally handed Haruhi her present.

"Thank you, Mama Yume!"

"... Kuro, we need to talk"

Mom gave me a razor sharp stare.

"It's a misunderstanding! Haruhi just calls her that!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. When's the wedding?"

She didn't care at all.

"W-W-Wedding?!"

Oh, here we go, she's gonna turn into a water heater now.

Goddamn it, when is this thing gonna end? This is exasperating.

"Ah, forget about it! Haruhi, just please, please, open the present."

"O-Okay, Papa..."

I knew it, she's confused as hell as to what's happening. I can't blame her, I'm confused as fuck too.

"... What the hell is that?"

Dad remarked.

"Oh, that's catnip. You can use it to tame felines."

Why are these people trying to turn my daughter into one of them?

I lunged at Yume and my Dad caught me in the air.

"Let go of me, goddamn it! There's so many things to retort to, my head just stopped working!"

"Kuro! Do this when we're not in here!"

Dad replied.

"Y-Y-Yeah! There's a proper place and time for everything!"

Yume added, still beet red from embarrassment.

Mom is just laughing her ass off while Haruhi is looking at the package of catnip that can also be mistaken as some kind of drug not knowing what to do with it.

***

I am calm.

I am peace.

And I will remain peace.

The repairmen just finished their work of replacing the window from which Mom went in and the door which my Dad broke.

They both left now as they told me that they had some stuff to do and I gladly sent them off.

"How about you, Yume?"

"Hmm... I'll stay for awhile, I want to play games."

"Alright."

She lied down on the couch, grabbed the controller and started playing the game Mom was playing earlier.

Meanwhile, I'm struggling to think where the hell to put these things. For sure, I'm keeping the rifle with me. But these catnips and poison? Where the hell do I put this?

Oh, before I forgot.

"Haruhi!"

"Yes, Papa?"

"Come here for a bit."

"Okayyy."

She made her way towards me while I grabbed something from my pocket.

"Happy Birthday!"

I handed her a small box.

"Open it!"

"Okay..."

She had a long face, I'm pretty sure she's wary of boxes now with how unpredictable things were today.

But her face lightened up when she saw what was inside.

"A smartphone!"

"Yup!"

"Thank you, Papa!"

"You know how to use it, right?"

"Yup yup! Thank you so much, Papa! I love you!"

She gave me a tight hug and ran off showing her phone to Yume.

"Such a sweet, Papa. Right?"

Yume said in a sweet, almost motherly voice. The tone she used when we first met. She noticed I was looking over at them and gave me a smile and a wink combo.

Goddamn it, I didn't know I'd take damage from that.

***

"Papa, today I learned that birthdays aren't actually for harassing the celebrant."

... Just what the hell do I reply to that?