1 Burning Ring of Fire!
(A/N: This novel will have elements of AU, there will be changes to canon events, people, powers and locations. The MC will be ridiculously OP. This story is about fun and exploring, fun fights and showing off. If this is not your preference, you can stop here. You've been warned! <3).< strong>
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Kasper's shriek echoed through the bathroom, a symphony of pain punctuated by the desperate plea, "Holy shit, is this what hell feels like?! Someone call the fire department, my asshole is erupting!" He clung to the handrail with the fervor of a drowning man grasping a life preserver, his knuckles white against the cool porcelain.
Earlier that day, after a grueling session (or so he claimed) of whatever mysterious activities Kaspers engaged in, he'd succumbed to his usual brand of reckless curiosity. A mysterious package had arrived, and fueled by his self-proclaimed connoisseur status when it came to all things spicy, he couldn't resist the siren song of "Hellfire Paradise."
Unearthed from the deepest, dankest corners of the internet, an ad practically blared at him, promising a culinary adventure that would "take your taste buds to the highest realm!" Because, let's face it, nothing screams gourmet like potentially triggering a gastrointestinal apocalypse.
*FLUSH* *HUFF* *HUFF* *HUFF*
Perched on his porcelain throne (definitely not the kind fit for a king), Kasper stared vacantly at the wall. "Dear lord," he mumbled, the fiery aftermath still clinging to him. "Halfway through that… experience, I swear I saw light. Though what kind of light, well, let's just say I've achieved a new level of enlightenment. Spiritual awakening, we'll call it."
Deep breaths, that's what he needed. Deep breaths to quell the inferno raging somewhere south of his navel. But instead, a wave of dizziness washed over him, so intense he wouldn't be surprised if a herd of miniature unicorns started tap-dancing on the bathroom ceiling.
*THUMP*
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A booming laugh, loud enough to rattle the porcelain throne, echoed through the cramped bathroom. The laughter intensified, sending shivers down Kasper's spine. This wasn't funny! His insides were on fire, and whoever was eavesdropping clearly lacked empathy. Slowly, bracing himself for the worst, Kasper turned his head.
The sight that greeted him could have been ripped straight from a fan-made "most overpowered anime character" compilation. Towering before him, bathed in an ethereal glow emanating from… somewhere, stood a man the internet would undeniably dub a "Giga-Chad." Rippling muscles strained against a well-worn tank top, while a perfectly sculpted face, accentuated by golden eyes and a meticulously trimmed beard, stared down at him with amusement. It was like someone had taken every over-the-top action anime protagonist, rolled them into one absurdly handsome package, and then cranked the "presence" dial to eleven.
"Yo, welcome to the digs, shitlord! Looks like you kicked the bucket – in spectacular fashion, I might add," the man, or perhaps a deity judging by the laughter, boomed. Tears welled in his golden eyes as he clutched his stomach, still howling with amusement. "Seriously, dude, that's gotta be in the top ten most entertaining deaths across the multiverse."
Kasper's heart hammered against his ribs. "Wait, what the heck? Died? This has to be a joke, right?" He glanced down at his body, still firmly attached to the porcelain throne. A cold sweat prickled his skin. "Hold on, do I even… use the bathroom in heaven?" he stammered, scratching his head and hoping for a divine bathroom schedule.
The laughter subsided, replaced by a smirk playing on the god's sculpted features. "Nah, brah, Heaven's out of the picture for you. Let's just say your exit strategy left a bit… to be desired. Pun intended." A fresh wave of chuckles erupted, shaking the very tiles of the bathroom, which were surprisingly pristine despite the ordeal.
"But hey," the god continued, wiping a tear from his eye, "gotta give credit where credit's due. You made the big G here laugh his celestial ass off. It's been a while, you know? So, as a reward for your comedic contribution to the afterlife, I'm offering you a do-over. Reincarnation, second chance, all that jazz. Plus, I might throw in a few… perks to spice things up. Make it a bit more interesting for both of us, wouldn't you say?"
Kasper's jaw hung slack for a beat, then a goofy grin split his face. "So... wishes, huh? And a whole new world to play around in? Score! At least this fiery ordeal had a silver lining, right?"
"Sure thing, my dude," God replied, the booming laughter morphing into a surprisingly smooth salesman vibe. "Five wishes, anything you can dream up, as long as it doesn't mess with the cosmic order and stuff." He winked. "No infinite wishes, no powers that break the whole system of existence (which, let's be honest, is pretty darn sturdy anyway), and nothing that throws the whole balance of life out of whack. But hey, beyond that? Go wild! You're the first and last chump— er, I mean, customer— to get this kind of deal."
Kasper blinked, processing the celestial business pitch. "This is... amazing. Seriously, thanks a ton for this. But, uh, mind if I take a breather and think about the wishes? It's a lot to unpack."
God's grin widened, if that was even possible. "Absolutely, absolutely! Time's one thing we have in abundance here, unlike, say, decent bathroom experiences." He winked again. "Just make sure those wishes are epic. I've seen every show, every movie, every reality TV show ever created – I need some fresh entertainment, you know? Oh, and don't worry, this ain't some monkey's paw situation you've read about online. No hidden costs, no evil side effects. Think of it as my New Year's Resolution – gotta spice things up a bit, right?"
