3 My shame

Chapter 3

I was laying in the hospital, hooked to a drip. Thank the almighty that this time nothing was broken.

"Dynamite chicken wings, really? Did you have to compete in that dumb contest? Why didn't you tell me that you had an ulcer?!"

"Yelling at me about it won't change anything. Besides, I thought it was gone."

"Gone?! Chronic illnesses don't just disappear you know, they're called chronic illnesses for a reason!"

I had never seen Zafar this angry since I met him. He's always smiling and brushing off my rude behavior.

"I'm sorry, I guess I got a little too competitive, it won't happen again."

"Good." He said sitting down beside my bed.

He had watched over me during the time and guided me through my new diet. Who would've thought he'd know so much about good healthy food, but then again, he is a med student.

I felt so bad for making him worry so much. I didn't want to lose someone because of my arrogance, since he arrived I had a lot to look forward to, from biking to eating, even my art had improved.

"Okay, today I'm going to teach you how to cook rice, steamed spinach, and a bowl of delicious butternut soup."

"Where's the meat?"

"No meat until the damage from the surgery is healed Nura."

"Wow, how fun." I said sarcastically, "Let's get this over and done with."

I felt like a baby who was being taught how to walk, completely clueless, and frustrated.

"I told you to square the potato," he said wrapping his arms around me holding my right hand as he guided it, everything stopped for that moment and I felt my heart race and beat out of my chest.

"Got it?" those words snapping me out of my daydream.

"Uhm yeah... I got it"

We were finally done and sat down to taste our masterpiece.

"I'm home!" Elham yelled as she walked in

"Oh yay, don't disturb us," I said, trying to chase her away.

"You must be her cousin, join us. We made extra," he said

I felt like smashing his head through the table. I wasn't a fan of Elham, she was a huge flirt, and for some reason, that bothered me today. I don't know whether I've always hated it or I'm just annoyed because she's going to be super flirtatious around Zafar.

She sat next to him and as he dished for her, I felt my tummy turn inside out.

"Yum!" she yelled, "You're an awesome cook!"

"Jazakallah, Nura helped."

"Well you're quite the dish yourself," she said touching his arm, I quickly interrupted by jumping to the other side to sit in between them. I heard a little chuckle from Zafar as I ate my food ignoring my sudden jealousy.

"I'm leaving now, Asalamualikum (peace be upon you). Thank you for inviting me over Nura, see you tomorrow," he said grabbing his jacket as he took off

"What was all that about?" Elham asked

"What do you mean? I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You know what I mean, the weird interruption, you've never done that before."

"I don't what you talking about…"

"Whatever," she said rushing upstairs.

It's the first time that I've seen Elham home in a while, maybe I should've asked her, but that isn't my business.

***

~Elam~

I know that I'm not my cousin's favorite family member, nor someone she can rely on but I made sacrifices for her.

Her parents knew that my side of the family wasn't as well off as they were so they took advantage of that, manipulating me with a scholarship, along with the agreement of staying with Nura.

I have them and my parents to impress, and letting them down wasn't an option. I'm not perfect, I tend to fall for people's tricks easily and I'm always taken advantage of.

I have a terrible party and alcohol addiction, but I try not to let it get in the way of my school performance with this being my last year. I just had to mess up this badly, I lost all my innocence, and it might cost me much more.

"Zayn, don't do this okay? I can't just get an abortion!"

"Who do you think is going to take responsibility for it then, because it definitely won't be me. I was just having fun with you."

"Well, now that the fun is over, I'm not going to kill an innocent life because you're a terrible human being."

"Then you'll find a father for it."

That scene from a month ago kept me awake at night, it replayed itself over and over again.

"I'm a terrible human being? Why'd you open your legs in the first place, no one marries easy girls," he said pushing me to the ground

"Well good for me then! Why would I get married either way?"

"Pathetic," he said walking off, I quickly stood up running after him, but he pushed me again and I ended up hitting the table and falling unconscious.

I woke up with him beside me as the doctor walked in telling me that I had lost the baby, he broke up with me on that day. How could he? I tolerated so much for him, did things I wasn't supposed to as a Muslim, sacrificing my dignity. I hadn't eaten for days, partying my pain away as I watched myself whither away.

I lost track of everything, and all I wanted was for everything to end. Now I know why they say you shouldn't give your all to someone who isn't willing to give you the same.

I feel absolutely hopeless like there's no cure for this pain.

I felt like everyone was judging me, like the world was against me, crying myself to sleep at night, and him? All he did was pretend like I was nothing to him, a difficult thing to watch.

But what can you do when there is no room for failure, and everything you do is meant to be fashioned in the manner that they want it to. If you fall, they're never there to pick you up, but when you're up there with lights around your name they'll be the first to hop on your bandwagon forgetting that they once told you off, so this pain I will not show.