13 I think i might need a checkup after this

Chapter 13

today's my last day as a single rebellious pringle. I regret the whole agreement about only having a face reveal the day of the wedding…everything still feels unreal, from the woman who's busy with my henna to the family members enjoying sweets and baked delights. Having to look at everyone come up to me and hand me a gift, and a duaa(ask Allah for something).

Elham was still not herself, but respected the traditions and did what was needed of her. She hardly spoke to me. Soon she would be moving into her apartment down the road, my parents insisted on her staying with them until she could settle down, or at least hash out her issues with her parents, but she was determined to leave. Unlike me who suddenly felt like home was the best place to be rather than living with a stranger for the next few weeks.

I tried to sleep it off but the wedding getters got to me, so I was up all night near a punching bag, which I stared at knowing that I would ruin my henna if I touched it.

I looked around from the fancy dark chocolate cupboards around me to the creamy dressing table in the corner of my room, that night the room was filled with the light of the full moon....you could see both of the dresses glitter, and the shoes light up, you could hear the ticking of the clock, and the dripping of the tap...you could smell the perfume out of its box and feel the tension of the accessories around. These things made me realize how close I am to becoming a woman, a wife and one day a mother...

Many girls dream of this day and are extremely excited about spending the rest of their lives with someone who they can rely on and trust, someone they love, and can easily run to. I am not saying that Ibrahim Zafar is a bad person, I'm not saying that he is not good enough…but what worries me is that his shown me all the good, but left out the most important part throughout this 3 month period. The real him, his flaws, and whatnot. I do not understand how women dealt with arranged marriages through out the years...do some of them actually fall in love with the person that they were forced to marry.

I regret choosing to be a good girl this one time, as I was taken advantage of, my parents did not even ask me how I feel about everything.

The worse part is that I have never fallen in love with someone, or at least yet. I have no idea what's in store for me what's going to be on my table when this is over but, I'm willing to give it a go…I hope nothing goes wrong, I still want to feel butterflies in my tummy, I want to feel weak in my knees...i want to feel my soul shake at the mere glance of this man, but nothings guaranteed...i want to fall for him.

It was difficult trying to wake up the next morning, I think I had at least one hour of sleep, that was a first in all honesty. mother showed me the venue and picked up the bridesmaids' clothing before we left to check the food, the wedding starts at noon. Even if I did not show it, I was slowly dying on the inside.

After dealing with whatever mother felt the need to cater to we rushed back to do my makeup and get ready. We already had the little masjid (Islamic church) ceremony where we promised each other in front of Allah (God), of course sitting with a board between us covering each other. I wore the white dress, and wrapped my hijab (headscarf) watching the makeup artist transform me into a doll. I sat down, took a deep breath in, and stood up at the sound of my father's footsteps.

" it's time my princess," he said gently grabbing my hand leading me to the crowd.

I walked slowly beside him and looked down till I reached the groom. A few more breathes in, as I watched Elham smile at me which gave me much courage. I stood in front of the groom, with our families witnessing the little moment we were about to have. I looked up and took of the light sheet covering my face, and instantly felt my entire body freeze…my…my husband to be was Zafar! as in the guy I was with for half of the year…I looked around watching everyone around me…it was too late to do anything at this point. He held my hand and said his vows, I did the same.He had nothing written on his face, which made my blood boil, how could he be so calm after seeing who I am, after what he had done to me I felt like tossing him into a trash can after scratching the fake smile on his face.

When the ceremony was complete and once everyone was fed, we were then driven home…I had nothing to say to him. we arrived at the newly bought home, I stopped at the door of the mansion watching him take out the keys. He looked at me and smiled a little.

" did you know that this was going to happen! Is this the only reason that you were friends with me in the start?"

He sighed looking up to the sky, " if I knew would I have fought with you in the first place?"

" whoa, chill…I'm the one who's asking the questions here."

" Can we talk when we're on the inside of the house… It's about to rain."

" no…not until I get my answers."

"Nura Ibrahim…" he said stepping forward till I was cornered, " do you want us to fight on our wedding night… I opened the door quickly, to avoid being too close to him. He handed me a bottle of water and sat down next to me…the house was fully furnished but I was too upset to notice everything around me...

" I knew nothing okay…trust me."

I looked at him disappointedly, " don't you have something else to say? "

" What else, if you feel too uncomfortable to be my wife. We can come to a mutual agreement to do it for the public."

" what? I was referring to an apology…"

" I apologize."

" for? Cause there's a lot to apologize for."

" I apologize, " he said sighing, " I hope you understand that, I had no idea as well nura, trust me...i haven't lied to you since we were young, think about how I feel as well one second were biker buddies, then friends, then nothing, and now we're married…I'm just as confused and concerned as you are.." He stood up holding the back of his head, " what do I do Nura, I love you…but can't love you…I just I have no idea as to what I'm doing I just…I'm trying."

"You're trying, trying isn't good enough. You need to show me what you want…Lord knows that if I were given a proper chance to find a significant other I would have done it properly and made sure that it wasn't a selfish...argh! a selfish imbecile like you. you know what I don't know okay...i don't know what to even say to you.

who's the one who ends up getting hurt the most here. How do you think I felt when you left me the first time?....and

then again when we reunited…but then we reunited again today. You can't fight destiny I guess," I say rolling my eyes. " so don't play the victim."

I stormed out and locked myself in the guest room. At least my parents got one thing right, buying a 5 bedroom house for us.

Not an emotion in this world can express what I am feeling right now. No expression can be shown to help relieve what's on the inside of me…no tear can be shed to ease up this burden that is choking me. At least I won't have to force anything for the next few years. I had this man, in my life and never wanted to lose him, but now I honestly don't know if I want him.