Depresso Expresso

Considering at the point I am with my life I decided to try and fill in the blanks so that anyone who reads my diary will understand who I am and where I came from.

My name is Andre Luca. Although others may say different, I am a truly ordinary person. The only thing I can think to be my claim to greatness would be the habit I have of thinking too much.

The parents I have in this life are very supportive of me and really tried their best by working hard to provide but from an objective standpoint, during my childhood they were never really around.

Instead I was raised by a great man I call my grandfather. He wasn't my biological grandfather and in fact he was sterile but he saw me as his own. He taught me the meaning of family, tradition, sacrifice, faith, and above all, how to be the best representation of myself.

He taught me to always keep learning and keep moving forward because there's always something new on the horizon.

Because of that I developed, my inquisitive personality. I see the world through the lenses of questions. I like to get to the root of things. Because of that I ask myself a lot of questions. An example would be how a three year old wonders how the sky is blue. When I was told the answer to that was that the oxygen in the atmosphere is what gave the sky the blue color, most of my other three year old colleagues believed it but not I. Three year old me went, oh then why is it that when I breathe air, I don't see swirling blue colors toward my mouth. I like cotton candy so that would be cool thought.

In fact the answer to the sky is blue is more complicated than just the composition of the atmosphere which mind you is mostly nitrogen.

The color of the sky is actually from the effect of light interacting with the atmosphere. Without getting into any science mumbo jumbo, the reason that the sky is blue is that as light scatters across the atmosphere of our planet, shorter wavelength lights like your red and and yellow lights only appear when there is less sunlight like in sun rise or sunset while Blue lights with longer wavelengths scatter farther in the atmosphere which makes it that when there is a lot of sunlight, there is a blue sky.

Of course I have grossly butchered that explanation but the effect I am attempting to describe without getting into specifics is the Rayleigh Scattering effect.

Anyway, when I learned that was the real reason the sky was blue, instead of being satisfied, my mind went, oh then what is light, what is wavelength, whose Rayleigh, etc.

This vicious cycle repeated itself. In fact I would have likely been one of the happiest people in the world as a scientist who proves the truth of the world if it weren't for one fact.

My grandfather was taken from me. Life throws certain wrenches in your plans and one day, while my grandfather was working at a gas station, a man walked in and threatened him at gunpoint.

I only saw this through a security tape, but my kind grandfather listened to the robber but in his kindness asked him he didn't need to do this and to turn a new leaf.

In that moment someone else walked in and attempted to stop the robber physically and in an accident robbed my father figure.

I didn't deal with death well. In fact this lead down a deep hole with me asking questions about what is death, the afterlife, and my purpose. I looked into the great philosophers whose answers were all varied with many of them having conflicting views on the idea of thoughts and consciousness. I was haunted by his death and tried to find peace with it. Why would a person harm another being, why would someone so good be taken.

Whose fault is it, the gunman, society for putting the gunman in his position, or maybe God.

By trade I have a MD/PhD In medicine and radiation therapeutics. I work in drug development and treatments. I used my previous knowledge as a crutch and began to study philosophy and the study of thought seeking answers as to what ails the world, from the perspective of biology.

My conclusions were simple, my emotions can be chalked up to hormones and neuron interactions. Memories are all about the frequency in which neurons fire. Learned behavior you gain from your upbringing and natural behavior you get from your genetics. Societal pressures and structures that force us to act in a specific way. How events in everyone's life can also be explain broadly by looking at the movements of all molecules that ever come in contact with a person through their life as these molecules are what make up hormones and our cells.

As I went deeper down this rabbit hole I felt as if I was a prisoner. A prisoner to powers I can't control. It seemed the nature of reality, all the particles, cells, hormones, and everything else that makes up our world is decided for us without us even knowing.

Our feelings like love and hate, how we speak, and even how we think. Even more so, when we die, there will be nothing left of us but nutrients for the soil.

For all intensive purposes, my entire past and future can be dumbed down to the movement of particles which are somewhat predictable to an extent. If free will was an illusion, then my story and my grandfather's could technically be written before we had a chance to live it.

Society is the same way. Because of how we humans are built and how the universe at large has strict rules governing all the parts that make it up, society is a construct that also is at the whims of predestination.

Good vs Evil, free will, and self determination, these concepts died within me along with the horrible reality that my grandfather was truly gone and his life was just part of one big cog in a story that had already been written.

This isn't something I cope with well. In fact, this drove away a lot of my passion for many things. From that point forward, my life became somewhat of a blur as I grew a bit depressed with one last question i had for myself as I was drinking a coffee one day.

What's the point of it all? In fact, I really wanted to understand how people can have passion to do the spectacular knowing It might not allot to anything. Along with that, I really struggled with trying to prove my own logic wrong. I tried working hard on my career to prove that my grandfather influence on me wasn't a waste. Get a wife, raise kids. Accomplish goals that are set by biology and society.

Maybe I was doing this to prove that my life has meaning. Maybe by playing the game of life, I would find an appreciation for its simplicity while removing myself from what i assume to be an undiagnosed clinical depression.

Volume 1: Start of a Great Friendship

8AM Venice

{Beep Beep Beep}

Andre, half groggy from a long nights rest, reached for his phone to shut off the alarm. Half asleep he quickly scrolled through his messages and saw a new message from Babe.

-Hey handsome, I left early to work and didn't want to wake you cause I know today's the big day and you needed your rest. I'll meet you at the conference hall later. love Angie-

"So today's the day, that's right." Squinting he got up and opened the blinds to his hotel room to the beautiful site of the city of canals.

";Nothing like fresh sun when away from home." looking over the time on his phone he went to get ready and tidy up his notes on today's activities.

"In about 2 hours I have to present my findings on a possible new treatment; and after several hours of conferences, I have a date with Angie in the piazza de San Marco. I think that would be enjoyable."

Looking over to the view his widow provided him Andre Nodded to himself, "At least the city is gorgeous, along with enough history to keep me entertained after today. I've been wanting to come here since I read about it".

Andre enjoyed the rest of that small moment of peaceful bliss to himself. He had worked through the time of his life that it was hard to get out of bed through self emotional conditioning. His solution, coffee. For him getting out of bed in the morning was easy as long as it was quiet, he can smell coffee, and he had something to do to keep his mind off life. This morning, he was in a beautiful city, surrounded in really good accommodations, and room service delivered Tuscan coffee right to his door so all he had to do was open the door to see a cup of coffee at his feet.

A long morning shower and practical self care routine in the morning and he was out the door. It was these little moments that really drove him forward now.

Walking out his hotel room with suitcase in hand he walked toward the Academy. Andre is a fairly tall 5'11 Latin man. Brown eyes wavy hair cut to about eight inches. He gives off a very relaxing aura. Gold rimmed glasses that frame his face and jaw along with a lean but not too muscular build compliment his career in medical sciences. Andre to this day keeps a regular schedule of nutrition to maintain his long nights of entertainment and work. His glasses hiding the only indication of his lack of sleep. His father was a marine biologist and per that circumstance, for most of his life Andre would always spend his weekends sailing. Due to that Andre has tan skin with an almost golden hue. Ironically enough it was his self studies into large marine life and the mechanism whales have to have not get cancer, that has lead to his findings he is about to present.

Close to the academy, an hour before his presentation, Andre sat down for some breakfast by the water. He took out a journal and began to write down his thoughts. He's kept up this habit for a long time.

Writing in his journal, he wrote, "I am not sure how I arrived here but, I am apparently on the verge of greatness. Greatness in whose eyes though. I did nothing but apply what I knew and studied. In fact, I feel excited to turn the page on today's meeting rather than the meeting itself. Very oxymoronic don't you think? Honestly, I am not sure what I'll do after. I am very passive about it. Maybe I'll go travel a bit more. Though, I have already seen a lot of the world already. So there's not a lot left to see. Maybe I'll settle down after this. A few kids sound nice. Fulfilling my biological purpose after leaving my mark on human history might be great way to go. Child upbringing is a fulfilling experience."

Leaving the restaurant and entering the academy, Andre gave out the biggest performance of his life and internally didn't feel anything rather than confusion on his role on Earth and the empty void in his heart.

No one could tell though as Andre kept his feelings to himself.

Walking out the lecture hall with Angie wrapped to his arm, Andre kept talking to a man in perfect social attire.

"Dr. Luca, It was a pleasure to work with you. I can't wait to see where the sequel to this project will take us. We must prepare for distribution of your drug."

Andre smiled a perfect smile, "Yes Mr. James, your company has been very generous in sponsoring my product through all the necessary regulations and now I'm afraid I must relay on you again."

He laughed. "Of course Dr. Luca. Our contract with each other have bounded our company and your fate together. You've done good work with your research, now let us handle the rest so you may rest."

He then raised his hand for a shake.

Andre joined him in joining their hands with a laugh as well.

"Now then Dr. Luca and Dr. Lynn, I must get going. I'm sure you two have some tourism to do I imagine." I nodded and then he smiled. He then turned and began to walk away.

Andre then looked to Angie and said, "so where do you want to start?"

Angie was a very beautiful woman. She had creamy skin, dirty blonde hair that glowed with a honey color and as if the goddess of fertility had just revealed herself. Her body proportions were perfect, well at least for me. Her bust a perfect size to not incriminate her and make her look too unlady like but large enough to accentuate her figure. Her small waist, strong legs, and full Bottom all show off her feminine charm.

She was currently in an elegant formal dress and a cardigan. Her glasses and I.D. card around her neck showed her identity and an intellectual doctor and researcher.

Angie then lifted a flier in her hand to me and said, "Before we do anything, I saw this flier for a fortune teller. I figured since we will likely have a lot more free time, maybe it would be fun to get our fate read."

Andre frowned for a moment, "fate huh?" He then immediately turned it into a smile. "Yea, I'm sure that couldn't hurt."

(Lies)

We then walked a bit. The streets of Venice were a bit crowded at this time of day. We were also close to San Marco's Cathedral so there was plenty of tourism at this time.

The water was actually very clear in the canals. Crossing through streets and bridges we made our way closer to the right side of the city. The flier's destination called Crone's Vision. As we got closer, I could noticed there was significantly less people in this area. There was a small alley and a small window was sticking out of the side walls of said alley. The window had a red backdrop behind it and a crystal ball at the foreground. There was signs advertising the use of fortune like one of those old carnival signs. Yellow paper, Big black lettering, a very carnival like font. This place screams Gypsy Fortune or something similar to it. There were yellow light bulbs flickering all around.

Walking in, they were greeted by a concierge in a very typical gypsy attire. She had typical curly dark brown hair and brown skin. The room was wood decorated and there was a back room to the left and a set of stairs up on the right beside the wooden concierge desks. Many odd things, jars filled with all sorts of objects, crystals, pendants, and many divining objects like tarot cards were being displayed.

The room was darkly lit with candles of all types.

"Hello, how can I help you?" the woman said with her reddish full lips

Angie atypically took the lead this time ahead of Andre. Andre was usually very proactive in new places but this time he let her take the lead.

"We need his fortune read, and also I can't help but notice some of this stuff is very interesting".

The lady the responded with a smile, "You are more than welcome to wait here while I show you around. There's some interesting tapestries and veils I can show you if you are interested. As for the lovely gentleman here, my lady will take some time to get ready. If you want, you can go wait in the back room for her."

Angie smiled at Andre and tapped him on the back. She could tell he was very neutral about the whole ordeal. "Go have some fun hon."

Andre looked at her, nodded and walked into the back room as the sound of the concierge and Angie filled the room with questions about all kinds of merchandise.

Walking into the back room, Andre mused that the room was decorated as if someone set up a red circus tent in a room with a round small table in the center.

Seeing a chair in front, Andre calmly walked up to it and sat down to wait.

Next he heard the sound of a cane striking against the floor creaking the floorboard.

The next moment an old lady walked in with a hood over her head. She had light skin but she had removed the shine of youth. She had purple eyes and was very thin. She had thicker legs which gave her strength but because of her advanced age, they were the only thing likely keeping her up.

Crouching forward the old crone sat on the chair in front of him.

Andre turned toward her and waited. And waited.

After about a minute of silence.

Zzzzzzzz

"You got to be kidding me. Ma'am are you sleeping?"

The old woman shook a bit and then said, "ah, dear me I seem to have fallen asleep." She then turned to Andre. Her purple eyes observed him. "You seem like a good young lad. Can you fetch me that crystal ball and pedestal on that shelf over there. I'm afraid my age has been catching up to me lately and I need to rest my legs."

Andre politely ignored the previous event of her sleeping and kindly got up and brought the crystal ball to the table.

After setting up the ball, the old seer set her aged hands on the ball.

The ball was clear and didn't show any reflection in the room in Andre's eyes but the woman peered closely without a blink.

Andre stared in wonder at her unblinking focus thinking this woman is a world class actor.

In this point in time, seeing the future would be tantamount to understanding the movement and vibrational frequencies of all particles at on point in time in a large system we called earth. Then from those trajectories, you can theorize the placement of those particles the next moment. And repeating this calculation for that next moment until you get to the next next moment. And so on and so forth.

A good analogy for it would be understanding where every single car in the world is at one moment and based on their speeds, guess where they are the next moment.

Something so absurd is likely impossible without a computer that can simulate reality which is way beyond the abilities of humans currently.

As the woman looked at the orb she spoke. "I can tell you don't believe in what I'm doing."

Andre was shocked someone read him even though he showed no expression.

"Oooh, nothing gets by this old bat. I have been along far longer than you think and I can tell when someone judges me for my work." The woman the looked directly at Andre.

"Ma'am I mean no disrespect, but I'm a man of the sciences so it is difficult to believe fortune or glimpses of the future can be sought from a crystal ball." Andre talked to her politely.

The old woman turned with a frown and looked at the crystal ball again. She then retorted in her frail voice, "I can see how someone of the sciences may believe my work to be nothing but a hoax or I that I am a charlatan of some kind. I've spent my life attempting to convince people otherwise to no avail. I'm to old and frail to care but since you seem to be honest and forthright I'll try and enlighten you on divination."

She then took a hand of the ball and pointed up. "What is the world made of?"

Andre was confused for a moment and didn't answer because he didn't understand in what context was she speaking of.

The old lady then used her cane to wack him on the side of the leg.

"Owww"

"I mean matter you dimwit. If I meant the universe I would have specified something on the quantum scale but I referred to the world. Though maybe I was a bit vague." She said calming down.

Andre was rubbing his leg where he was hit.

"She then continued, what was Einstein's most famous equation about mass?"

Andre knew this one like the back of his hand and answered quickly before he was hit again.

"E=MC^2. The mass-energy equivalency formula."

"Good so you aren't stupid. Us seer's are originally said to see the future through a variety of means. Some are hoaxes I'll give you that but I believe our seer's here try to do their best to follow the proper path of divination which in essence is just reading Energy."

Andre was still skeptical obviously but was very intrigued by this woman's thought process and had already begun asking preliminary questions in his head. He then said, "How does one read Energy, is it a gift only one in few are given?"

The old crone smiled, "I'd say it's a gift and many of the most talented oracles were certainly gifted but sadly no. This skill is not exclusive and anyone can learn it as long as you believe in it. Also having a teacher in necessary which is the reason there are always so few of us."

Andre thought for a moment and nodded, allowing her to finish speaking after organizing his thoughts.

"Reading Energy has different methods and each method has a different focus. The zodiac method which many have heard of is using your past, specifically your time of birth, as a reference to know your future. The idea behind it is that based on the energy of the planet at that time, we can guess how you are as a person. A good analogy would be a person born in the summer months and spent his first few months on the planet in hotter climate hating the cold when he's older."

Andre them commented after hearing her explanation, "So it's a learned behavior fortune your deducing with zodiac signs?"

The old lady smiled, "you can say that. Many seer's use this method. I am currently deducing your past which I have to say is quite amazing but you clearly don't think so."

Andre was confused again but pressed forward. "What makes you arrive at that conclusion?"

The aged woman's smile grew bigger, "You seem to be a great man of great talent. In fact, I'd venture to say you have done something incredible with your life to make everyone around you feel proud of but I sense none of that from you. In fact if what my crystal ball is telling me is correct, you feel somewhat empty, unfulfilled. You have glory and respect waiting for you but these things don't make you feel better. How come?"

Andre still confused and shocked commented, "because in the grand scheme of things, what's the point?"

"I figure you were someone who doesn't believe in an afterlife." The old lady laughed then coughed a bit.

She then got up and began to walk away.

"Was that my fortune?" Andre asked somewhat disappointed yet pleading.

The lady didn't stop moving away to the separate room in the back but still commented, "Of course not. I only read your past. Another seer will come take over in a bit. I'm to old for this but us seers have particular talents and reading someone's past is my specialty. The next seer will continue your reading though I will tell you that your passion has dried up due to your lack of belief or goal in mind. How you got to where you are must be attributed to pure luck, will power, or some very good friends. I'd venture it's a bit of all three." She then walked out the room.