1 Chapter 1: Diary of a Wimpy Kid

(Tuesday)

First of all, let me get something straight: This

is a Journal, not a diary. I know what it

says on the cover, but when Mom went out to

buy this thing I specifically told her to

get one that didn't say "diary" on it.

Great. All I need is for some jerk to catch me

carrying this book around and get the wrong idea.

The other thing I want to clear up right away

is that this was mom's idea, not mine.

But if she thinks I'm going to write down my

"feelings" in here or whatever, she's crazy. So

just don't expect me to be all "Dear Diary" this

and "Dear Diary" that.

The only reason I agreed to do this at all is

because I figure later on when I'm rich and

famous, I'll have better things to do than

answer people's stupid questions all day long. So

this book is gonna come in handy.

As I said, I'll be famous one day, but for now

I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons.

Let me just say for the record that I think

middle school is the dumbest idea ever invented.

You got kids like me who haven't hit their

growth spurt yet mixed in with these gorillas who

need to shave twice a day.

And then they wonder why bullying is such a big

problem in middle school.

If it was up to me, grade levels would be based

on height, not age. But then again, I guess

that would mean kids like Chirag Gupta would

still be in the first grade.

Today is the first day of school, and right now

we're just waiting around for the teacher to hurry

up and finish the seating chart. So I figured I

might as well write in this book to pass the time.

By the way, let me give you some good advice. On

the first day of school, you got to be really careful

where you sit. You walk into the classroom and just

plunk your stuff down on any old desk and the

next thing you know the teacher is saying—

So in this class, I got stuck with Chris Hosey in

front of me and Lionel James in back of me.

Jason Brill came in late and almost sat to my

right, but luckily I stopped that from happening

at the last second.

Next period, I should just sit in the middle of a

bunch of hot girls as soon as I step in the

room. But I guess if I do that, it just proves

I didn't learn anything from last year.

Man, I don't know what is up with girls these

days. It used to be a whole lot simpler back in

elementary school. The deal was if you were the

fastest runner in your class, you got all the girls.

And in the fifth grade, the fastest runner was

Ronnie McCoy.

Nowadays, it's a whole lot more complicated. Now

it's about the kind of clothes you wear or how

rich you are or if you have a cute butt or whatever.

And kids like Ronnie McCoy are scratching their

heads wondering what the heck happened.

The most popular boy in my grade is Bryce

Anderson. The thing that really stinks is that

I have always been into girls, but kids like

Bryce has only come around in the last couple

of years.

I remember how Bryce used to act back in

elementary school.

But of course, now I don't get any credit for

sticking with the girls all this time.

As I said, Bryce is the most popular kid in our

grade, so that leaves all the rest of us guys

scrambling for the other spots.

The best I can figure is that I'm somewhere

around 52nd or 53rd most popular this year.

But the good news is that I'm about to move

up one spot because Charlie Davies is above me,

and he's getting his braces next week.

I try to explain all this popularity stuff to my

friend Rowley (who is probably hovering right

around the 150 marks, by the way), but I think

it just goes in one ear and out the other with him.

(Wednesday)

Today we had Phys Ed, so the first thing I

did when I got outside was sneak off to the

basketball court to see if the Cheese was still

there. And sure enough, it was.

Wednesday

That piece of cheese has been sitting on the

blacktop since last spring. I guess it must've

dropped out of someone's sandwich or something.

After a couple of days, the cheese started getting

all moldy and nasty. Nobody would play basketball on

thecourtwheretheCheesewas, even though that

was the only court that had a hoop with a net.

Then one day, this kid named Darren Walsh

touched the Cheese with his finger, and that's

what started this thing called the Cheese Touch.

It's basically like the Cooties. If you get the

Cheese Touch, you're stuck with it until you

pass it on to someone else.

The only way to protect yourself from the

Cheese Touch is to cross your fingers.

But it's not that easy remembering to keep your

fingers crossed every moment of the day. I ended

up taping mine together so they'd stay crossed

all the time. I got a D in handwriting, but it

was totally worth it.

This one kid named Abe Hall got the Cheese

Touch in April, and nobody would even come near

him for the rest of the year. This summer Abe

moved away to California and took the Cheese

Touch with him.

I just hope someone doesn't start the Cheese

Touch up again, because I don't need that kind

of stress in my life anymore.

(Thursday)

I'm having a seriously hard time getting used

to the fact that summer is over and I have to

get out of bed every morning to go to school.

Thursday

My summer did not exactly get off to a great

start, thanks to my older brother Rodrick.

10

A couple of days into summer vacation, Rodrick

woke me up in the middle of the night. He told

me I slept through the whole summer, but that

luckily I woke up just in time for the first

day of school.

You might think I was pretty dumb for falling

for that one, but Rodrick was dressed up in his

school clothes and he set my alarm clock ahead to

make it look like it was the morning. Plus, he

closed my curtains so I couldn't see that it was

still dark out.

After Rodrick woke me up, I just got dressed and

went downstairs to make myself some breakfast,

like I do every morning on a school day.

But I guess I must have made a pretty big

racket because the next thing I knew, Dad was

downstairs, yelling at me for eating Cheerios at

3:00 in the morning.

It took me a minute to figure out what the heck

was going on.

After I did, I told Dad that Rodrick had

played a trick on me, and He was the one that

should be getting yelled at.

Dad walked down to the basement to chew

Rodrick out, and I tagged along. I couldn't

wait to see Rodrick get what was coming to him.

But Rodrick covered up his tracks pretty good.

And to this day, I'm sure Dad thinks I've

got a screw loose or something.

(Friday)

Today at school we got assigned to reading groups.

They don't come right out and tell you if

you're in the Gifted group or the Easy group,

but you can figure it out right away by looking

at the covers of the books, they hand out.

I was pretty disappointed to find out I got

put in the Gifted group, because that just means

a lot of extra work.

When they did the screening at the end of last

year, I did my best to make sure I got put in

the Easy group this year.

Mom is really tight with our principal, so I' l belt

she stepped in and made sure I got put in the

gifted group again.

Mom is always saying I'm a smart kid, but that

I just don't "apply" myself.

But if there's one thing I learned from Rodrick,

it's to set people's expectations real low so you

end up surprising them by practically doing

nothing at all.

Actually, I'm kind of glad my plan to get put

in the Easy group didn't work.

I saw a couple of the "Bink Says Boo" kids

holding their books upside down, and I don't

think they were joking.