16 Entry #16

I feel like my head is floating. But that can't be. My head is still intact on my body. My feet are walking unto the ground. I can hear the sound of my school shoes as it pounds the cemented floor of the aisle.

Dapat ba, hindi ko nalang nabasa 'yon? Arghh! Kasalanan niya to, eh. I was about to sleep last night when I decided to open my facebook account for last time. I saw a notif and happened to read it.

Wincelette Ampuller and five others tagged you in a comment at JMJ University Confessions

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JMJ University Confessions

Admin, sana mapagbigyan niyo pong i-post ito. Hindi ko na kasi kaya. Sinubukan kong pigilan ang nararamdaman ko, pero wala, eh.

Penelope Marie Barluado, pwede ba akong humingi ng pabor sa'yo? Pwede bang tumigil ka na sa pagtakbo sa isip ko? Pwede dumiretso ka na lang sa finish line dito sa puso ko, pakiusap.

I want you to know that I admire you. When our eyes locked for the first time, I felt like my soul has been drowned on your beautiful eyes. Ever since, hindi ka na maalis sa isip ko.

Sana mapansin mo ako. ☹ Andito lang naman ako, eh.

-Sasuke

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My stress in academics, plus my social life multiplied by this unknown confession from an anonymous person didn't helped, really.

Now look at me, with heavy eyebags and my pale complexion due to lack of sleep. Paano ako makakatulog kakaisip? Who is he? Is he a he? Or a she? Do I know that person? Of all people why me? Nananahimik kaya ako.

I don't know what to react. I don't know what to do. My mind refuses to believe everything that I've read. Baka joke lang yun. Maybe someone from the class na napagtripan ako?

Maybe. It might be a trap. Hindi ako dapat magpaloko. Hindi ako dapat umasa. Tama. I should act normal and be not bothered by him.

Hey, Pen-pen, wake up! Umayos ka. Ang problemahin mo ay ang nalalapit niyong exam at mga requirements! Mag-aral ka, hindi yung iniisip mo isang tao na hindi mo naman kilala. Bakit ka ba nasestress diyan? Focus. Okay? Halsuisseo! Fighting!

Sinampal ko ang sarili ko. Hingang malalim. Ayan. Gising na ulit ako. Hindi pwedeng antukin. Wala akong karapatang matulog hangga't hindi pa tapos ang dapat tapusin.

I entered the room like usual. Inilapag ko ang bagpack at laptop ko sa upuan. Akala ko matatahimik na ang buhay ko pero hindi pala. My classmates quickly surrounded me atsaka ako ginisa at prinito at sinabawan.

"Ang haba ng hair ni Penelope!"

"Iba talaga ang beauty ni ate, oh! Naks!"

"JMJU Confessions! Nakakakilig naman!"

I rolled eyes."Hayaan niyo na yun. Baka trip lang yun. Wag niyong seryosohin."

But they continued in pestering me anyway. "YIEEE! Sasuke daw! Sino kaya yun no?"

"Kung alam ko lang sana na may kaagaw ako dati pa, sana nagconfess din ako no? Crush kaya kita noon, Pen."

"Pwede bang tumigil ka na sa pagtakbo sa isip ko? Pwede dumiretso ka na lang sa finish line dito sa puso ko--- KYAAAH!" They quoted the confession then shouted.

Nakakakilig ba yun? Saan banda? Mahilig pala sila sa mga korning bagay.

"Uy, di'ba this week na ang deadline nung thesis? Tapos niyo na ba ang sa inyo?" I asked to divert their attention and at the same time, to remind them that instead of wasting their time on me, they have more important stuffs to do.

Nagsitigil naman ang mga chismosa kong kaklase nang pumasok si ma'am. Bumalik na sila sa mga upuan nila nang magsimula ang klase, pero kapag may natapos, may magsisimula ulit.

"Do you believe in love at first sight? Possible ba yun?" Our teacher asked us. Her eyes roamed around, as if looking for her next prey.

Love at first sight.

With that mentioned, I remembered something.

When our eyes locked for the first time, I felt like my soul has been drowned on your beautiful eyes.

Is love at first sight possible? For me, it is not. Love is a process. It takes time to form attachment to a person. It takes time to build mutual trust and be comfortable.

Yung mga na love at first sight, maybe it's not really love. Maybe nainlove lang sila sa itsura nung tao tapos later on, nadevelop. Lumalim nang lumalim hanggang sa natuluyan na nga.

"Ano sa palagay mo, miss Barluado?"

"Yes ma'am?"

"Di'ba may nagconfess sa'yo sa JMJU Confessions? Kalat na sa buong department. Congratulations," she said which triggered everyone to tease me again.

WHAT! Now I'm sure everywhere I go inside this campus, wala na akong mukhang ihaharap. Eotteoke?

Nakakahiya! I can feel the uneasiness creeping up on me now. How am I supposed to respond?

Anna Freud said that we use defense mechanisms to protect our ego from anxieties. Half conscious, I used a reaction formation. Automatically, my lips curved into a smile.

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What: Lunch. Where: Canteen. Main course: Ako. Pagkatapos akong igisa, prituhin, at sabawan kanina, ako na nga ang official na ulam ngayon. Dapat ako yung nasa plato imbis na itong pinakbet na ulam ko.

"My gosh, madam! I'm so proud of you!"

"Ha? Bakit naman?" Wala naman akong hinakot na award ah.

"Magkakalovelife ka na rin! OMG!" I didn't responded for a while. "Hayaan niyo na yun. Baka prank lang yun."

"Hindi yun prank. Mukhang seryoso naman yung nagconfess ah? Tsaka hindi naman kasi imposible. Madam Pen, maganda ka, matalino, mabait."

I smiled. The flattery is reaching me. Pero bakit hindi ako minahal ng mga taong minahal ko? The answer is because there is always someone better than me in their eyes and in their heart.

Hindi ako number one para sa kanila. Pero para sa sarili ko, number one naman ako. I love myself. I mentally tapped and hugged myself for that.

Binilisan ko ang pagkain. "Hoy, dahan-dahan lang. Baka mabulunan ka." Ailou warned me but I continued on finishing my food as quickly as I could. "Guys, mauna na'ko. May meeting pa kasi kami," pagpapaalam ko sa kanila habang nagliligpit ng mga gamit ko.

"Ha? Aalis ka na?" tanong ni ate Vanessa. Sorry ate, sawa na kasi akong magisa.

Nagpaalam na si Ailou. Arnaisa just looked at me and waved her hand habang ngumunguya. "Bye madam."

"Babye!"

"Baka makasalubong mo yung nagconfess sa'yo! Ayieee! " pahabol ni ate Wincelette.

Salamat! Nakaalis din. I am thankful that I can breathe even just for this moment. Kahit na dito sa paglalakad ko nang mag-isa, nakukuha kong ma- at peace kahit papano. This is the joy of being alone- peace, tranquility, and serenity. Sa mga ganitong panahon ko namimiss ang pagiging loner.

Siguro, hindi naman talaga nawala ang pagiging loner ko. I got friends but deep inside, I am still that person I was na masaya na sa pag-iisa.

"Miss, nahulog mo."

"Thank you." Kinuha ko sa kanya ang nahulog kong pin. Hindi ko naipin nang maayos sa sobrang pagkabangag ko ngayong araw.

"Penelope…" I heard him whispered my name but I walked away and proceeded to the SSG office.

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"Uy, bakit ang blooming mo?" ate Lyca, the governor of College of Education asked me.

"Hindi ah." I answered. Di naman talaga. I do not feel well today because of all stress that I am receiving from our subjects plus I didn't slept soundly last night because of this damn secret admirer ko kuno.

"Eh paanong hindi blooming? May secret admirer!"

"OMG. Kilig much! Sana all ang haba ng hair!"

"Nagrejoice ka ba gurl? HAHAHA!"

My face remained stoic even though deep inside I am annoyed. Akala ko ba, meeting 'to? Bakit parang napunta ako sa taping ng Tonight with Boy Abunda?

Marc nudged me and smiled at me. Yung ngiting mapanukso. "Uy, may secret admirer siya. Haha! I'm so proud of you."

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. "Anong nakakaproud dun? Tsaka, anak mo ba'ko? Char lang yun. Wag kang maniwala dun. " pagsusungit ko naman sa kanya.

"Maganda ka naman talaga. Tsaka, be proud and thankful. Kailangan bang maging anak kita para maging proud ako sa'yo? Praningning, kapag may taong nagkakagusto sa'yo, ibig sabihin may napapangiti ka araw-araw. Everytime that person sees you, you don't know how much happiness you've made them feel. Okay? So, cheer up."

Sumimangot ako. Pero sabagay, may point siya. Pero kahit na! Hindi nga kasi ako sanay, eh! Tsaka sino ba kasi yun? Ang daming alam. Bakit kailangan niyang magtago?

"Tsaka wag kang choosy. Minsan lang may umaamin sa'yo kaya wag kang maarte dyan," he added.

I rolled my eyes at him but he pointed his forefinger at my forehead."Wag mo akong iniikutan ng mata dyan. Itatak mo yan sa kokote mo kung ayaw mong tumandang dalaga. Sayang ka."

Sayang ka.

Kung sayang ako, edi sana niligawan mo nalang ako! Sayang pala eh.

Gusto kong isigaw yan sa mukha niya. Pero joke lang. Di ko kaya. So I remained silent there. Wala naman akong magagawa habang hinihintay na magstart yung meeting. Titiisin ko nalang ang unwanted attention na ito.

Bakit ang big deal para sa kanila ng confession na yun? Sila ba ako?

I envy that person. Whoever is he. He confessed to me anonymously. No one knows except him and kung may pinagsabihan man siya. So, while I am living uncomfortably, I can imagine him living his student life normally like nothing happened.

He can sleep soundly at night. He can eat normally. He can socialize without being interrogated. While me? HA. HA. What a life.