1 Chapter 1 : The Darkness

O-o-h! Fighting with God. Have you seen God? Is It some flesh and blood, that I will hit Him with a weapon? It is a state of being, you have to reach there. I reached there much later, that I will come to... later.

Sort of imagination! Oh! They gave me more forms than they gave names to Him. Let me say about myself, oh, where to start?

At first there was black. What is black? I saw black, I felt black. There was nothing visible. Like closed eyes. But that was secondary.

THERE WAS NO CONFIDENCE. You do not have the strength to utter "I". You feel your chest, your heart, is scattered in particles and not coming back, you are in pieces, you are not forming into one, let alone move or do something.

You really do not have any strength. You can only pray, and cry.

Then suddenly you feel they are back! You feel "Yes! I am there. I can do something." But what to do in this vast black? What is there to possess? Were there others like me? Without form, unseen, garnering strength? I don't know.

YOU ARE NOT READING ANY IMAGINATION. This is my feeling, my realization, that I want to share.

I began roaming in the pitch, infinite black. I could understand I was taking turns whenever I wanted. The undifferentiated land remained calm, soundless, devoid of any vibration that can signal life. I will say it was land. But not land in the sense you know, or most of you may be knowing. It was not tangible; it was without direction, but you have the hunch that something is there. But there was nothing.

Was I the only one? Were there many? I don't know but here I take a guess.

THIS IS THE LAND OF FORMLESS SPIRITS. There are innumerable such, all groping in the dark, seeking a rescue hole, which they themselves do not know where.

What is this land? Why do I call it land? It is not land, really. It is only for the sake of saying. It can be called transcendental land. You feel being there, so you call it a land. It is a particular level of mind. But the mental land - so to say - I am speaking of, is where you don't have a mind, really, in the strict sense. As I have said before, it is this place, where you don't even have the confidence to say "I".

Please take a piece of time off, and try to feel, or not feel. Sometimes reading or listening is not enough. You need to put your head up, and try to judge the situation. I know, many of you are accustomed to do this.

Going back. After generating some confidence/strength, I moved into the blackness. Did I concentrate? I didn't think that way, even if I did. Thus I roamed. And I didn't come to know when I took the plunge.

Then I forgot myself.