3 Stab and Pierce my HEART

At this stage in life I get by a day just by watching motivational videos that tell me I'm gonna make it big one day if I put my mind to it and never give up but we all know how it feels to be sad and feel lonely at times but you just gotta live your life. To tell you the truth I wanna commit suicide I don't see my purpose for living if I'm gonna live like this

I'm not sure who I am right now as far as I'm concerned I'm just a boy that was brought on this earth by a neglecting mother and a no show father

That just shows I don't know who I AM. I don't need people who are gonna constantly lie to me, than tell me the truth. And a few days ago when I asked my crush if she felt the same way she just said to me I'm her friend Nothing more and that pierced my heart in such a way that I felt like dying right then and there, frankly I'm not afraid of death so why am I still here, Cause I have a purpose to live for when we all know that's not true ,Cause I'm gonna find someone that loves me the way I love them and yet still that's a NO. A day doesn't go by without me asking myself

"Why am I like this ?"

"why do I hate myself ?"

I constantly hate myself for being what I am today

I get this sinking feeling in down from my heart down to my stomach and that just makes me weak and me feel like dying death is an inevitable part of life, what difference does it make dying later and not now sooner or later your gonna die. I don't have an identity I'm just a ghost walking amongst humans

I'm better of dead with no one to hold onto. No one as my pillar I'm all alone. I always thought to myself I'm the only one that's like this but then I realised that everyone has their imperfections but I'm imperfect

Everyone has problems, but I am the problem

It seems as if God just keeps picking the wrong one of us I lost my relationship with him

I want attention,love,affection and lots more from People but if I die

"Whose gonna care" I'm gonna be left for roadkill and the dogs are gonna eat my flesh while flies nibble on the remains

I always wonder what it's like to die

But right now as you read this book you probably can't relate to anything I'm saying and you don't understand what I've been through and nobody understands. You see the problem with people is that they don't care about others well atleast a minority of people care and actually have a heart for others. While you on the other side of the screen, you act like a good Samaritan cause you want people to love you and praise you but sometimes you fail to accept reality the reality of you not being popular, not being smart or pretty enough

You can live longer but that doesn't mean you are running away from death

You can see your life flash before your eyes and narrowly escape but that doesn't mean you escaped death

The minute we think of suicide and suicidal people you think of a depressed kid/ adult who just went deeper and deeper in sadness and never made it out but truth is suicidal kids just wanna get it over with. You made us like this you weren't there for us when we needed you the most, you left us when we were the most vulnerable- when we hated ourselves the most you left us and that shattered our world

"When you live without any cause" is it really worth living, is it really worth waking up everyday, walking with a smile on your face when deep down inside you Wanna die so bad, lemme answer that for you "No" what really happens is that you wonder and think about when it's all gonna end there's that little demon in your head that eats away at you little by little and constantly finds a way to eek itself back into your life everytime you try fighting it. if you have ever been through this you once had hope and had a light inside of you shine brighter than the sun, a smile wider than the universe, eyes brighter than the stars and and a soul cleaner than the night sky and all that got shattered, broken, taken for granted all because of an event, a person, a failed relationship, etc

some people constantly take anti depressants, pain killers, alcohol, wrist cutting and a lot more all for the sake of escape from a cruel and unforgiving world

some people are not worth fighting for they are not worth the pain, the suffering, the tears, the sleepless nights, the depression, and suicidal nightmares and thoughts - they are not worth it at all, shit happens and it happens for a reason. You are better than that and you should know your worth right now there is no light and the end of the tunnel cause everyone leaves for no reason and they expect you to chase and run after them, your better than that you should know your worth and be willing to fight for it you've gotta fight for what's yours and fight for what's right, it doesn't matter who says what atleast you have to the courage to do what is right for you this might sound like it's out of a Mandela movie but you know I'm right when I say deep down inside you've got hope

you hope that the person you love doesn't wake up the next day and ends things

you hope to get a million likes from Instagram

you hope your friends like you

you hope for only the best

well it all starts with you and only you