2 love - my lucid drug

"There I was loving her like crazy and I didn't need her love to justify that she loved me back. 2 weeks later into the relationship "everything gonna be ok, you'll find the right person it's not you it's me I just feel like right now a relationship is not what I want" she said. She walks away slowly in the rain with her umbrella.

That was the thought I got when I imagined breaking up with my crush but the answer "NO" was the words I was used to hearing from someone I loved. I was never loved that was how I felt and it will be how I feel all my life. I am constantly neglected and pushed away

I can positively say with a hundred percent that pain, depression, sadness, were my best friends they never left me even in my darkest hour  and my worst moments they never left. On the day I was picked to do public speaking and was the winner. I realised that I was wearing this "everything is ok" mask.

Looking at the crowd cheer and clap was the last thing I wanted cause at that moment I realised that the people I called my friends were not that happy for their friend (who was me by the way) but I was used to liars and people who pretended to care about me. It just seemed like my life was a dark void or a black whole

I just never had light in my life I just seemed to feel at home in the dark space of my head, isolate myself from everyone was a hobby. I was never loved. My dad left me when I was a baby boy but showed up again when I was 13 and I was his height and if you compared us it would be hard to tell it was my father and as for my mom she preferred lying to me than to be with me she always said "Just because I don't see you everyday doesn't mean I don't love you"  if she was in my life she would know how I feel about myself

She spent all her time with her friend and her kids. Help them, sleep with them, tell them stories and be there for them, while at the same time her own son was not even 4 minutes away  from where she was. For some reason I always liked the people that hated me and pushed me down cause they were the only genuine people in my life and I know my family would tell me "we love you" when really deep down inside they wanted to say some Hurtful things and I'm pretty sure lf one of them got the chance to throw me out they would take it.

For me being depressed was like being happy for you I got to a point in my life where I realised that I was many things , creature like things, and my "friends would ask me why I was depressed and my reply was "I'm not depressed, it's just that I don't wanna smile and be with you I just wanna be alone away From hate and lies" and yes I know I gave them what seemed to be the definition of depression but it wasn't depression for me it was just how i felt on a daily basis

I seriously don't know how to feel anymore I feel like all of this could just end I'm tired of waking up every morning asking myself if I can do it again when I know I can't

My mind and body are in a comotose state

It's not anyone cares whether in dead or alive little by little I'm dying inside and I feel nothing I am in a state of not being able to go on anymore

No one loves me

I'm ugly

I'm suicidal

I wasn't meant to be here

I wish y mother never had me 

I'm still wondering why

I come out as nothing

I smile to hide the pain

I wear the clothes to hide the scars

I keep on going cause I wanna feel something before I go, I wanna Be the old happy me but I can't

Once you tell someone how you really people value you less cause you show them as week and they forget that you are only human

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No matter what you do some will always have something to say about what you've done

No one chooses to be depressed, suicidal,have fake friends or be a freak. Living without love is like cutting a bird's wings off and asking it to fly. Love is addictive and once you've tasted it you want more of it the minute someone takes it away you start living in rehab fighting your own demons and monsters inside of you and that is the hardest thing anyone can ever do

It's so easy for people to say get over it, you'll be fine

Everyone throws the words "I love you" and "I care about you" as if they buy them at the convenient store

They don't think that those words mean so much to the other person and once you take them away you stab them in the heart, not the back or the stomach but the freaking HEART

I have become emotionally,mentally and physically failed. I'm fucking failure and I go to bed asking myself if it's worth it when I don't get an answer I'm not mad at anyone I'm just exhausted sometimes it's not about us wanting to die it's about us seeking a bit of love and comfort from the people we love

I have kneeled and prayed to God

Talked to friends

Acted as if I don't care

Isolated myself

And that for me nothing it just made me emotionless,numb, uptight and friendless you and I will walk this world every day as ghosts with no one seeing what's inside cause nowadays the outside matters more living a life like this is a waste of space and time

whether it's the queen of England, president of America,richest kid in LA or Beverley Hills.

" Society will only love you for what they want to see not for who you want to be"

 

And for that you'll live like the picture of Dorian Gray, hiding the real you so people like you for who you are not

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