7 Chapter six

I run, I feel my heart in my throat, the deafening silence breaks my eardrums, around me the world goes on unaware of a life that is trying to escape death. Turned into an alley. It's a dead end. I'm trapped.

I'm trapped.

"Tsk ... Where did you think you were escaping?"

I scream, with how much breath I have in my body, I'm terrified.

Someone is shaking me, at first gently, then more and more insistently, I don't want to open my eyes, I don't want to face that scene again

"Belle! Belle, wake up! It's a dream, it was just a dream ..."

I snap my eyes wide expecting to be face to face with him, but as soon as I realize that I have what has become my best friend in front of me, every nerve in my body relaxes: it was just a dream.

"It was just a dream ... God, you're shaking, but what were you dreaming of ?!"

I am in a bath of sweat and yet I am cold, I feel the cold right down to my bones. I can't tell her what I've been through, I promised myself that that story would be forever buried in that alley with the other half of me, and I won't let her ruin this "new" life as well.

I shake my head over and over again, as if to erase those images from my head

"N-not ... I don't remember, it was all too confused and dark"

I lie with the scenes of that memory still all too clear in my head

"Well don't worry, it was just a dream, now you're awake"

I nod weakly and get up to go take a shower.

Just in time to get out of the bathroom, Cora warns me that she has forgotten her notebook in the greenhouse during the class of Professor Phillygan, the science teacher, and that she cannot go and retrieve it because she is afraid of meeting Mike, who he would have a lesson with Phillygan in a few minutes. So "as a good friend as I am", I took courage and "offered" to go and retrieve it for her also because I would have had the next hole hour.

So after listening to Cora's "cheesy" thanks, I put on a blue sweater and black jeans, pull my still slightly damp hair into an imperfect bun and go to the greenhouse.

Just inside the smell of fresh soil mixed with the warm humidity that is in this greenhouse, where the temperature change is palpable, given the external temperature of these days, hits my nostrils

"I didn't expect you to be the type to skip class"

A voice behind me makes me jump and instinctively I turn around, jumping back with one hand on my heart in fright

"Woah ... Sorry I didn't mean to scare you"

He apologizes with that hateful grin to paint his face, it is clear that his intent was just that"

What are you doing here, controlling your secret Marijuana plantation? "

I provoke him determined to take away that annoying smile at all costs

"Good this one, where did you read it, about the book" depressing jokes "or about that" bad humor "?"

He teases me giggling as he leans comfortably against a very tall planter. I look at him, he looks like a giant compared to me, I barely reach his chest ... Enough, enough! Get back Isabelle!

"Are you really that idiot or are you doing it on purpose?"

I retort piqued, finally regaining control of me, those absurd thoughts must not even touch me. Do you want the question and answer? Well, that's what it will have!

"And you still ask too many questions"

He murmurs amused as his index finger touches my cheek in a playful way and his finger lingers more than necessary and I feel his touch burn in contact with my skin, but unlike what I would have expected, my feet they don't move an inch, they stay nailed to the ground while my eyes meet hers ... I didn't realize how bright those golden specks were in her hazel eyes, nor how warm her gaze was, overwhelming like no other other yet at the same time secure, steadfast, nothing more solid, in those eyes I can see the world ...

It was a moment, or perhaps an eternity, when he suddenly retracts his hand as if burned, as if he has just realized his actions. Her gaze changes and in the blink of an eye it becomes dark, impenetrable as ever

"You shouldn't be here with me"

He says a second before turning and leaving leaving me there, impaled like a stockfish wondering what just happened.

But the truth is that I don't know what happened, I just know that the instant our eyes met, something in me moved, stirred pushing hard,

something broke,

something is changing.

The rest of the morning goes by quietly, I take notes and listen carefully to each lesson. My mother tried to call me again, but after yet another refused call, I decided to send her a text message assuring her that I was fine and that I didn't need help.

I alone would have done it.

I felt anguish writing those words only partially true, but I fought back the tears and prevented myself from crying,

I don't need help.

"Hey how's it going?"

Monty asks as he sits across from me in the library and takes out the psychology brick and a notebook with holes, from which he tears a sheet of notes.

"Not bad, you?"

I reply with a shrug as I place the work material on the table. I don't feel like telling him about the encounter / clash with Cole this morning, it's not important, it was irrelevant ... Or at least, this is what I've been saying to myself since he left, leaving me alone ... anyway, i prefer to keep this to myself, i have never been a person used to confiding in friends about their problems

"Well, let's say it could be better, the last psychology test didn't go so well ..."

He chuckles in embarrassment, scratching the back of his neck. I smile reassuring him that we would have recovered everything.

"Are you sure it's not a nuisance for you and that I'm not just taking away your time?"

He asks for the hundredth time in twenty-five minutes, which causes me to automatically roll my eyes

"Monty, if I didn't want to help you, I wouldn't be here with you now"

I still reassure him. After about an hour he is begging for a break

"Sorry Belle, you're good, but you have to understand that I have a concentration threshold equal to that of a squirrel ... I have to take a break every now and then!"

She complains making a face that is halfway between laughter and tears. I chuckle and agree to a pause accompanied by her cheering exclamation.

"Well then, tell me a little about yourself, you arrived here more than a month ago and you still don't know anyone ..."

He asks curiously as he sips the hot chocolate from the school cafeteria. I only had a cup of black tea

"Well ... I don't make friends very quickly, I prefer to devote myself to study and ..."

Monty cuts me off before I can even finish the sentence

"Girl, you think too much about studying, never heard of parties, fun, alcohol ..."

He chuckles amused

"Just ... I'm not the type, that's it"

I murmur in embarrassment, probably as red as a ripe tomato

"Honey everyone is the party type, you say you are not probably because you haven't found the right one yet ... A bit like sex"

I tilt my head to the side, frowning in anticipation of a logical explanation for that rather strange comparison

"Sex is that thing that everyone does and that you cannot appreciate until you do it with the right person, here you see ... You can have sex with whoever you want, but it will always be something mechanical, a need to be satisfied, only the right person will give you that emotional impact that will make you want to do it every time you see her. Do you understand? ... Here, for the holidays it's the same thing! "

I nod confused and at the same time enraptured by that convoluted reasoning, but which explained in this way does not make a turn. Monty bursts into laughter as he observes my visibly confused worry

"Come on don't look at me with that face, it seems I said who knows what, I just explained it to you in a practical way so that you could understand the comparison"

He explains with a wink of understanding, but then he sees my embarrassed expression and suddenly becomes serious

"Oh ... Belle, don't tell me you're still a virgin"

He coughs in embarrassment seeing that I don't answer, as I try to put my head in my shoulders, my mind is already going into forbidden territory, which is capable of sucking me into a black hole and while I pray with all my soul that Monty quickly changes the subject , perhaps, for once, someone hears my prayers

"S-sorry, sorry it's none of my business you're right, I didn't want to get involved, let's talk about something else ..."

He apologizes, preparing to change the subject. He tells me that before joining Columbia he lived in Boston with his mother, his father and his two sisters Kya and Sheryl, they are heterozygous twins and are two years younger than Monty. He says that it was his father who pushed him to start this course of study, because he wanted him to carry on the family doctor's office, but Monty has his head completely elsewhere, his passion is cooking and he would have liked so much to attend a hotel school, for this very reason his grades were not excellent and in the first year at Columbia he was rejected ...

"And all this leads here, to you trying to help a poor rep who doesn't give a damn about being a shrink."

He chuckles and yet, as when we first met, his eyes express a sense of defeat so familiar that it seems to be a reflection of mine, but that veil of sadness is promptly erased from his face and replaced by curiosity when he asks what he brought here me instead. Initially I panic a bit, but then I also feed him the same story that I fed to Cora and Cass. I feel bad lying to those who are honest with me, but no one has to know the real reason, in the hope that one day, I too will not remember it anymore ...

"Well, since I was a child studying human behavior has always fascinated me, a friend of my mother was a psychologist and once she took me with her to see her studio ... From that day on I spent my days doing the shrink with my brother Kyle always asking all my questions. Growing up my parents got separated and we ... My mother didn't have enough money to allow both of us to study, my brother already worked after school, but he didn't it was enough, so I too started working I was a waitress in a small neighborhood café. During the day I studied and in the evening I worked, I gave my best until, thanks to my grades and the efforts of my family, I was able to obtain a scholarship and here I am ... For this reason I study so much, this opportunity that has been granted to me is very precious for me "

I explain in half truth. He seems fascinated and even saddened by this story and I feel awful because I know that what I have told is just a halo of truth "I'm sorry, Belle ... I had no idea"

"You don't have to, it's not your fault and anyway, now I'm here, that's what's important"

I reassure him with a slightly tormented smile. We talk for another half hour when Monty looks at the DW on his wrist

"Damn it's already a quarter past six, I'm sorry but I really have to escape, I have a fencing lesson and I'm already ten minutes late"

I smile surprised, I didn't know he was fencing, I thought no one did that sport anymore ... But on the other hand, I don't know why, but Monty seems to have the face of someone used to going against the current

"Don't worry, I had a good time with you today, thank you very much"

And I mean it, for what little I got to know about him, Monty is a sunny person, outgoing and always with a ready joke, practically like a window on the sea in my life.

"Me too Cher, if you want we can do it again, whenever you want ... Also because I understood more in a couple of hours with you than in a year of lessons"

He tells me with a smile that shows off two rows of perfect and very white teeth ... Wait a minute ... Cher?

"Cher?"

I ask in fact

"It means" dear "in French, don't you like it?"

He asks, frowning in regret

"I-I know what that means, but ... Ahh, that's okay, yes, I like Cher, see you tomorrow Monty"

I laugh just shaking my head down, he shakes his hand and with a blatant bow he disappears from my vision and running towards the fire doors of the library, I didn't even realize we were back here. I put all my books, papers and pens back in the shoulder strap and turn to go back to the dormitory, when I decide to take a tour of the fiction shelves anyway to see if there is any book I might like. Last time I was there I was in a hurry and couldn't look well.

I run my fingers on the covers of those old dusty books, you can't explain the world that exists inside a book to someone who has never even opened one. I take one with a dark brown cover, it looks very old, the pages are yellowish, aged by time, the cover is crumpled and from the layer of dust that covers it I can easily guess that it has been in that shelf for years without ever having been pulled out. I leaf through the pages reading the words that make up the initial dedication:

Who knows what it means to love,

to those who dare, to those who burn for love,

to those who cry and are not ashamed;

to those who know what it means to lose,

fall apart and be able to get up and drag on,

day by day,

with the hope of building a future that is different from the past,

because what we have been,

it does not define what we will be.

"Do you cry every time you read a book?"

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