2 Chapter 2: What do you have to fear?

I couldn't stop myself from trembling, I felt a mixture of fear, excitement, and a feeling that I wasn't able to describe. But nonetheless I decided to start playing the game I had bought to calm myself, it hadn't been damaged even after being hit by a truck, I considered myself lucky.

I booted up my console and put the disc in, I took the controller in hand..."What am I doing?". I threw the controller away and held my head with my two hands, these two greasy hands that I'm sure nobody would even consider holding. I got up and gripped the mirror that had been left taking dust in my room for god knows how long. I quickly swiped my hand over the mirror to take a quick look at my own body.

This past year, I enjoyed finding out that I took some weight, and I liked being heavy. But now... I couldn't help but to find myself disgusting. Now I had to live in this world, but living with such a body disgusted me. I started pulling on my skin, wanting to rip off the fat with my bare hands. I scratched my stomach and face until blood could be seen seeping out.

I didn't know when I had started to cry though when I looked at the face that was staring at me in the mirror. A round ball with two small eyes and mucus coming out of its nose, my legs gave out. Dark thoughts that I had encaged deep down in my subconscious were invading my mind.

The feeling of being completely useless, being a burden to the people I loved, not having the courage to change because I feared what I would have to go through: "Maybe I should really just kill myself...". I stated the thing I dreaded the most, dying to become free, dying to leave this world in which I felt so useless.

I gazed at the utensils I had left the night before. The edge of the knife seemed particularly alluring in my eyes, I extended my swollen fingers towards the knife. I gently caressed the edge, I gripped it.

It felt so small, this little thing could kill a person, it could end someone's life. I was shivering while I approached the knife near my throat, the edge now was in contact with my greasy skin: "I hope I can end it in one swing...". I feared that my neck would be protected by the fat and that it would only hurt and not kill.

Thus I decided to stab instead of cut, it would be more effective. I pointed the knife towards my stomach, I wanted to make it plunge deep inside myself, to eviscerate me and destroy my organs. My sight was turning blurry, I couldn't see my surroundings anymore, the knife was the sole thing I could gaze at.

"I can't live like this... I want to end it all... I want to give up... I want to die... Die?". I stopped myself, and I then looked directly towards my console in which was the game. The game that had been hit by a truck not too long ago. Hit by the truck that also hit me.

"The truck that killed me...". But I was still alive. I then remembered what had happened after I woke up. I threw the knife away and quickly stood up. There is no reason for me to kill myself after all... I can't die anyway...

My thoughts had been clouded by the despair I felt after losing my only hope. I realized that I was stuck here, I was stuck in this world, there would never come the day I would have considered myself free. I was doomed to be useless, I was fated to stay and watch as my life got worse and worse.

I didn't know what to do anymore, but I knew I needed someone to talk to right now, someone that would understand me. I took my phone out of my pocket and dialed the only number that wasn't one of my family. I held the flip phone against my ear while I rested my back against my bed. I thought that if I had a cigarette I would really look cool right now with my somber expression.

I looked up at the ceiling and Jeremy picked up: "What's up Gerald?". I calmed my beating heart and explained to him what happened: "I got hit by a truck today...". The following sentences were either me explaining in detail what I saw or him asking questions about every single thing, he seemed really excited. As I finished by telling him that I felt suicidal, he chuckled: "You're really an idiot.". I knew that he meant well so I waited for his next words.

"Gerald, I understand that you feel like it is the end as you weren't able to accomplish the dream we shared. But you still received a precious gift from this unfortunate event!".

"And what could that possibly be?"

He chuckled once more and murmured his next words: "You are immortal, Gerald. That is the greatest power of all.". I understood what he meant, but I reminded of how I was a fat idiot with no aspiration and no talent.

Now he laughed at the top of his lungs, I cringed a bit as I imagined his family looking at him weirdly. He exclaimed: "Then you just have to change! I know you think you cannot do it as your fear restrains you, but what do you have to fear? You aren't affected by the greatest fear of mankind, you cannot die.".

I think that it was at this moment that my previously dim eyes lit up like fireworks. I repeated the questions in my head: 'What do I have to fear? What do I have to fear? What do I have to fear?'. And the only answer that I could come up with was: "Nothing.".

I thanked Jeremy and quickly hung up, I knew he would understand why I did that. I didn't have much time so I needed to start now.

I took a sheet of paper lying around and a pen and marked the goals I had for myself:

1st goal: Study hard to become the best!

2nd goal: Train hard to become the best!

3rd goal: Travel a lot to become the best!

Final goal: BECOME THE BEST!

This list looked awfully childish but in my eyes those were goals that I etched deep in my mind to never forget them, I then proceeded to clean my room. However my mother called me from downstairs to come eat dinner.

I had to delay to sort through my stuff, I walked downstairs and sat at the dining table. My father was already sitting and was looking at his phone, meanwhile my mother was finishing preparing the last dish of tonight. My mother then came with three plates in hand, she disposed them on the table made out of wood.

She then sat next to my father and took his phone out of his hands, the latter smiled and looked towards me: "How you doing?". It was a simple question to which I would have simply answered good yesterday, but now I had a more definite answer in mind: "I'll be better soon.".

My father looked at me strangely but attributed my words as childish nonsense and accepted them. My mother had started eating, and so did my father, but I just looked at the plate in front of me. Deep-fried chicken with red peppers and a side of rice mixed with spicy tomato sauce.

That was one of my favorite dishes, but I also knew that this would become my greatest enemy. I pushed away the tomato sauce, though a bit still mixed with the rice, and I also pushed the chicken on the side. I then began eating what was left, the red peppers and the rice, I had no idea how to eat healthy so I just considered everything with a lot of oil in it to be harmful.

My mother had been focused on eating the dish she had prepared, but once she got up to go take some water, she stared at what I was doing: "Are you not feeling well Gerald?". My father also looked up from his plate and wondered why I did this.

"I'm okay, thanks mom. It's just that I don't feel like eating something too heavy tonight.". My mother looked a bit worried, she proceeded to take a bottle of water in the kitchen but also came back with some medicine: "Here, maybe this will help. If you ever feel like your stomach hurts, take a pill with water and it will alleviate the pain after some time.".

I smiled at the thoughtfulness my mom had for my well being. After finishing what I wanted to eat, I looked at my father straight in the eyes, but quickly averted them. Truth be told, I was a bit scared of my dad, he was the chief of police of the local department and he had been a famed military back in the day. His tall and impressive figure showed that he went through some tough times, and I envied his perseverance.

I still asked the question I wanted to ask: "Hum... Dad... Do you perhaps have a... Training program for a person like me?". I meekly talked as I feared he wouldn't take me seriously. But his eyes lit up and he looked at me for a whole minute without moving, my mother was the same.

I feared that I had said something wrong, but my father broke the silence: "You should go run in your free time. That's the only exercise I can give you right now. If you wish we can train together from time to time.". His smile was sweet, and I felt something welling up inside me, like a strange bubble in my heart that was on the verge of exploding.

My shoulders started trembling, and I didn't know how it happened but my mother started hugging me, I didn't want her to hug such a disgusting body as I felt like I was tainting her but I didn't have any strength to push her away. My father sighed and got up to pat my shoulder.

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I woke up the next day with puffy eyes, the sun was blinding my eyes through the window of my room. I sat up and looked at the mess that was still here, it seemed I had been exhausted yesterday night as I went to sleep without remembering.

It was Sunday, and there was only one day left before the start of school once again, after all, I had been in vacations for two weeks now and it had to come to an end one day. I looked through my window and from there I could see our well trimmed garden covered by the yellow leaves of the surrounding trees on the pavement.

It was the beginning of November, I didn't want to go outside but I would have to force myself to. But first I had to clean up my room. I went downstairs and got a broom, I returned to my room under the quizzical looks of my father (he usually got up early), and then began to clean.

I put my console and my computer on the side, while taking care of rearranging all the cords. Then I took my clothes dispersed on the floor and went downstairs to start the washing machine. I swept the floor of my room right after, taking care of cleaning every nook and cranny.

Once I finished, my room looked as good as new, my furniture was devoid of any dust and a lot of empty space was added as a result of throwing out what was now useless. I decided to sell my console to get a bit of money and I would put my computer downstairs to only use it for work purposes.

In the end, I was drenched in sweat even though I was still in my pyjamas. I cursed silently as I was tired after doing a bit of cleaning for just one hour, I can't remember how I have lived until now with such a weak body.

I took a shower, it was now 10 am, time for my mother to wake up. I changed into ordinary clothes and went back downstairs to eat breakfast with my mother and father, I wanted to enjoy spending time with them. Though I also wished to tell them about my decision as I think they'll take me seriously after what happened last night.