34 Thirty-Three

How difficult is it to get back on track when you accidentally made the wrong turn? How do you get back on your feet when you encounter bumps in the road and trip over it?

Honestly, it has been a strenuous task to keep myself on the right path, not looking sideways to check if something might impede my progress is another predicament. I just don't know how to get rid of the autopilot in me.

Lately, my days have been in extreme disarray. My mind is clouded with thoughts I couldn't seem to interpret. It is another arduous task for me to collect my thoughts. I feel like anytime my mind is about to explode. Life stress mired with overthinking is taking its toll on me. It is what I fear the most. It is the point in my life where I wouldn't want to go back over and over. This is where I don't even recognize myself anymore. It feels like my life is in a constant replay. Unwanted memories keep coming back; ghosts from the past continue to lurk around, furtively monitoring my every move.

I cannot control the surging emotions within me. I fuss about petty things easily. I get angry and blame myself for not being able to do things the way they should be done.

I am still not immune to this. This is the part of my existence that I wish to be just a dream. I feel like my greatest adversary is not the people around me but myself alone. Sometimes, I don't want to be myself. I wanted this old me to be gone for good which I shouldn't be wishing for in the first place.

I know that it is beyond our control when things fall apart. We cannot always have the things we wanted. There is always something that might get in our way making the journey less easy.

One thing I learned from this repetitive cycle, which I still find tough to get out of, is when things go wrong, don't go with them. I have been through this phase, not just once, and still struggle to keep my balance in order not to be back again in this chaotic state, which always feels like a new challenge every time I come across it.

But you know what is keeping me whole, unscathed, and determined to continue to find the way out of this labyrinth? I have good friends who are always there with/for me. I have the best listener and cheerleader in the world; I have You.

For every struggle, setback, and problem that test me every day I know there is a reason why I have to deal with them. The reasons may not be clear right now, but maybe someday I am going to thank myself for not just sitting still, for being brave, and for always trusting the process.

Dear God, I may be lost, but I know You are always there to make my paths straight. You are always there to make this hazy journey bearable.