4 Depression

It is said depression manifests itself in different ways and I'm now feeling how true that is. I used to feel so down and sad but now all I feel is anger. Burning Rage. It feels like nothing is going right in my life. Absolutely nothing! and that makes me angry. Everytime I've tried my best I get pushed back down. I am angry so so angry, so so so angry! Why the f*** are we alive?

Why are we alive? When the only thing that is constant is pain. We work so hard every day to do our best and hardly anything turns out right. I try but never rips the benefit of my hard work. I still wonder how 96 pills would make me feel. How an overdose would accomplish my dreams to be free. Why should I care for the afterlife when God doesn't want us to have something to live for? I still can't cry over you because I refuse to believe the decision you made is permanent but everyday that passes makes it feel final. What will happen when my body is no longer in a state of shock? Will I completely fall apart? Am I fooling myself by trying to believe that you were the one for me? What about my crush will I be able to let that person in? I keep saying I won't allow myself to be broken but everytime I break. Why do I allow myself to go through this every single time? I'm going to cry in the shower so the water could cover my tears.