344 RTYY 340 - Poisonous, Dark Emotions

ZaiWin closed his eyes.

His heart was beating so hard inside his chest that it was all he could hear, that and the rushing sound of his own blood going to his brain. His mouth too. It tasted of blood. But the sharp pain on the inside of his lower lip told him that it was probably his blood, from how hard he had bitten into it in an ultimate attempt to regain his senses. Droplets of sweat were sliding down his back, but he still felt cold. And angry. And frustrated. So fucking frustrated that he wanted to scream! He wanted to break everything around him! Destroy the whole world!, until those boiling feelings were finally spent. Until he could have silence again. And yet ... what was he doing?

Opening his eyes again, he found himself staring at a small, trembling shoulder. Even in that dim-lit cold place, ZaiWin could still clearly see the reddened marks he had just left on his pale skin.

Gods be damned! He really wanted him! He wanted him bad! No. He needed to have him! He needed to bind him to him somehow! It didn't matter how!, he thought, squeezing the much smaller hand he had captured, feeling his fingers bend beneath his strength. If he squeezed it a bit harder he could probably break them. No. If he was going to break something he'd rather break his legs! Make it so he could never, ever, walk away from him again! Make it so he would depend on him for every little thing, for the rest of his life. That cold hand, he would much rather have it where he had been leading it to. Closing his eyes, ZaiWin could already feel it. Those small fingers wrapped around him, caressing him, helping him release the painful annoying tension that had built up between his legs. His own hand trembled at the mere thought of that, and it was all he could to keep it still, to keep it from dragging his hand to where he wanted it to be.

Peering sideways at him, ZaiWin saw that Snow had his head bent low, his face slightly turned away from him. In fact, his entire body language told him that he wanted nothing more than to get away from him ... again. And yet he remained there, unmoving, probably too afraid to even try it. To try and escape him. Not that he would ever be able to do it. Not that ZaiWin would ever allow him to do it. Still, he couldn't help wishing he'd try. That he'd give him an excuse to bind him even harder, maybe even throw him on that floor and pin him down beneath his weight. But Snow didn't move. He just kept sitting there, cornered between him and the wall on his back, trying to keep his desperate breathing under control, doing his best not to look at him as if he feared that doing so might set him off. It made ZaiWin feel even more frustrated. And it made him even more aware of what he was doing.

Since that night, when he'd woken up to find some strange man in his bedroom, to face the fact that Snow hand simply abandoned him, he had been trying his best to sublimate his feelings of anger and disappointment, to look away from how hurt he'd been, and to focus on what was really important, focus on objective things, on things he might be able to change. And he had successfully been able to lock all that deep inside his chest, concentrating on doing what needed to be done to ensure Snow's safety.

But now ... Now that they were finally alone, that he could finally have him all to himself again, all that bubbling emotions had suddenly come back to the surface again. The anger and disappointment at what Snow had done. But, even worse, the disappointment at himself, at the fact that, contrary to what he'd initially believed, he hadn't been able to earn his trust at all, to make Snow feel for him even just a bit of what he felt for Snow. And he knew, he only had himself to blame for that. He'd done and said so many untrustworthy things. He'd treat him so poorly, that earning that kind of trust would probably take its time. It was just that ... he had happily allowed himself to believe that he'd earned it by now. He had clearly deluded himself, in that regard. And when he had finally been forced to face the truth it had ... hurt. A lot. It still hurt. And it had been a long time since he'd been hurt like this. Even though he had promised himself that he would never allow anyone to hurt him this way ever again. And yet, even that was his fault. He had been the one granting Snow that power, that right. And now that he had rightfully used it, he was lashing out. Trying to at least share a small bit of his pain. Trying to make him feel a fraction of what he felt. It was only fair. Wielding a sword to hurt someone else was a right reserved for those who had been hurt by a sword. And yet ... why did the small tears he saw falling from his eyes only hurt him even more? Why did seeing him tremble in fear made him feel even more wretched? It was only fair. And yet it felt as if he was being dealt an even worse punishment than anything Snow had done. He didn't know what else to do, he realized, releasing Snow from his hard grip, allowing his own body to relax, his back slouching, his head hanging low. He didn't know what else to do with all those shameful, poisonous dark emotions.

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A/N: What can I say. I guess we have to leave it to our dear Snow to shine some light on his damaged heart

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