Always Like This

Song Zhuyu's brows knitted in confusion. 

"I'm not sure what you're expecting me to say." Now that he had taken a nice and hot shower, he had sobered up considerably. His thoughts became more coherent and his words flowed freely. "I've shared my part of the story. I admit that everything is my mistake. But back then, I really did what I thought was necessary. As for his reaction, it's entirely beyond my control, so what am I supposed to do about it?"

Song Juwei stared into his eyes for one prolonged moment, as though searching for something within. "Then let me ask you this," he said, his gaze sharp and scrutinizing. "Do you feel guilty for killing Miss Lu by accident?"

Song Zhuyu became even more puzzled by that question. He responded with a hint of frustration, "Did you even hear what I said? I admitted that everything is my mistake, so of course I feel bad about it."

Song Juwei arched a brow and enunciated slowly, repeating the words Song Zhuyu had said. "You feel bad… because you know it's a mistake?" 

Under the crimson-haired man's increasingly perplexed look, Song Juwei's lips tugged into a self-deprecating smile. "That's right…" he muttered under his breath, his gaze drifting downward. "You've always been this way, haven't you?"

Song Zhuyu blinked, taken aback. "...Pardon?"

"You may not remember, but this is not the first time something like this has happened. Even from a young age, you found it hard to distinguish the right and wrong. What other people find obvious, you need someone to point it out for you," Song Juwei spoke with a distant gaze as though relieving memories from the past. "You need to read the law to know what kind of crime deserves punishment, just as you need the exorcist's manual to know what to do and what not to do. Wasn't that why you took action at once upon 'seeing' a soldier, rather than running away like most would? Because the manual dictates that the appearance of a soldier in this realm is something we have to prevent no matter what?"

"You…" Song Zhuyu struggled for a while before he could come up with a response. "...would you prefer me to run away instead? No, isn't it good that I didn't choose to run away?"

Song Zhuyu was starting to lose sight of the direction of this conversation. He had no idea what Song Juwei wanted from him, but it irked him how the older man made him sound… abnormal. Song Zhuyu didn't think there was anything abnormal about him. Was it not natural if a child couldn't distinguish between right and wrong? Also, what's the problem with him reading the manual to understand his job more specifically? 

Song Zhuyu was aware that he was not a sentimental person. Even as his four-year buddy blatantly ignored him after a single accident, the most he felt was mild disappointment – something he knew he would recover from after a good night's sleep. 

Then again, wasn't it supposed to be a good thing? He didn't need unnecessary emotions to cloud his judgment. He could make clear and rational decisions if he removed the unstable variables – his own feelings. 

There was a reason why Song Zhuyu was the exorcist with the highest mission clearing rate in the entire Yacheng Branch. 

"Ha…" Chief Song released a humorless laugh. "I really have no idea whether to call it a virtue or a flaw. Forget it. I can see why Mr. Zhen is afraid of you, but of course, you wouldn't understand, would you?"

What about you? Song Zhuyu almost blurted out. Are you afraid of me too, Dad? Is that why you've been keeping your distance from me?

However, he managed to hold himself back in the end. Song Zhuyu realized that he was reluctant to hear the older man's answer. Was it because he already had an inkling as to what it would be, or was he afraid to hear it? He couldn't tell for sure.

"You should give him some time to cool his mind," Song Juwei instructed, though Song Zhuyu knew deep down that he and Zhen Yan could never return to the way they used to be. Never again could they leisurely go out for a night ride, or to eat sweet potatoes on the roadside stall, and especially not going to the bar together. 

Song Zhuyu tried to suppress the burgeoning disappointment within him. Shouldn't he have gotten used to this by now?

This feeling as if no one in the world could ever understand him…

All of a sudden, a sharp pain struck the area around his right hip, almost causing him to double over. A gasp escaped his lips, and hearing that, Song Juwei's expression abruptly shifted into one of alarm, "What is it? Do you feel sick somewhere?"

"...No," Song Zhuyu replied through gritted teeth as he struggled to maintain a mask of composure, ignoring the discomfort coursing through his entire body. "I just got a sudden chill."

"Then hurry up and change your clothes! Your hair too, wipe them dry! I've always told you to cut it short— what kind of man lets his hair grow so long?" He nagged incessantly, and luckily he didn't seem to notice anything amiss about Song Zhuyu.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Song Zhuyu moved to the locker to grab a new and clean cassock. Seeing that Song Juwei still lingered around, he turned to face the older man and raked a hair through his damp hair, feigning trouble, "Don't you think I look twice as cool with long hair?"

Sure enough, Song Juwei's face immediately scrunched up as if he had bitten into a sour lemon, and he moved so fast toward the door that Song Zhuyu could almost see his afterimages. "Don't you dare try anything funny," he growled out a warning. "I will be waiting outside. Tidy up quickly, and we will talk about your exile."

Song Zhuyu maintained his innocent façade until the older man left, and only after the door clicked shut did he curse out loud, "Fuck…"

Shrugging off his robe, he dropped his gaze to his right hip, where the forsaken mark was still tingling and throbbing until now. When he touched it, the skin felt unusually warm to the touch as though he had stuck a heating pad on. He shot a menacing glare toward it as if challenging the demon that had wrecked troubles. 

"Just you wait," he hissed. "I'm coming for you soon. You'd better start counting your days."

Ignoring it, Song Zhuyu quickly dressed himself and blew his hair with the available dryer. After making sure that he looked somewhat presentable despite the lack of sleep and food, he left the lounge to find Song Juwei on the phone, playing Candy Crush. 

"You're done?" He slipped his phone back to his pocket and straightened up, motioning Song Zhuyu to follow. "Let's go. I will take you to Father Ning first. He wants to access your condition and perform a purifying spell on you. Something is clearly amiss with you lately." 

Without waiting for a response, Song Juwei began to walk down the hallway. It was fortunate that he never bothered to check whether Song Zhuyu was following him or not, otherwise he would have noticed the palpable and unusual tension in the crimson-haired man's features as soon as he heard about the plan. 

Purifying spell…? 

Wasn't it the one where he would be required to strip down and dip into the holy pool? Fuck, what about this demon's mark on his body?!