Dark Ocean of Mine (DOoM)

Note: Basically this is loosely based on NCT Ten's and Winwin's dance on the song 'Lovely' by Billie Eilish.

The things and emotions I have written here are solely based on my interpretation of the dance.

The feelings may vary from person to person; and as Winwin said in behind-the-scenes " You may interpret the dance in your way". I have done just that.

So don't come after me saying that this is not the meaning of the dance etc,etc.

Also this is just an interpretation, not a fanfiction.

Thank you and you may now proceed.

"~~~~Thought I found a way

Thought I found a way out (Found)~~~~"

The first time I met darkness, I was thirteen. Fascinated to see something that solely acted like me. It was like this new friend, someone that will stay by my side forever. I had not known at that time how long forever would be.

Sometimes, it acted like me, smiled when I did, sat down when I did, stood up when I did; but most importantly it cried when I did. And this kinda brought me a weird solace, like it understood what I was feeling.

But sometimes, it just sat there in the corner of my mind smiling at me creepily. Its eyes looked vacant, empty, just like how it made me feel later.

I was happy, I shared all my feelings with it. I recounted all my feelings to it. It was like this shoulder to lean on when something troubled me. It never said anything just gave comfort through its presence.

It was whom I considered my best friend.

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"~~~~But you never go away (Never go away)

So I guess I gotta stay now~~~~"

I don't now when it started but around a few months after I turned thirteen, I felt heavy. Not physically,but emotionally. Even after sleeping the whole night I used to feel tired and weary.

I used to wake up early for school. But then I started to bunk school. I slept in, giving my parents excuses like I was sick. But in reality I didn't wanna even get up from the bed. Throughout the day, its like the bed became my home.

I used to stay cocooned in there feeling awfully lethargic.

When I did go to school, I used to feel empty all day. I hid it by faking laughs and smiles. I had this paranoia, that if I kept a blank face someone might find out. So I joked around. kinda became a class clown.

'It' still was my friend. I tried to give it various names. But none seemed fitting. So I just called it as'you'.

I did try to ask my friends if this was normal. Not directly but sneakily. If they ever had that weird feeling or talked to someone who wasn't there, but everyone just took it jokingly.

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"~~~~Oh, I hope some day I'll make it out of here

Even if it takes all night or a hundred years~~~~"

I found out what it did to me a few months before I turned fourteen. It drained me. I tried to stop it. I stopped talking to it. Pretended like it wasn't there anymore even when I saw it glaring in the corner of my eye.

But I felt bad. How could I do this to a best friend?

So I tried a different approach. I tried controlling it. I held it in my hands, told it to stop stop draining me. But it didn't listen.

It's dark eyes glared at me as it wrapped itself around me, suffocating me slowly,never allowing a breath. It always haunted me when I was home.

I fought with my family. I didn't know what I had become, what I was becoming.

This was not me, its like I was just a puppet controlled by it as it kept pulling my string all around.

All I could see was darkness. I was suspended in the air surrounded by dark smoke.

It clogged my lungs, choked me and blinded me. I could hear it slither around, slowly killing me.

I tried reaching out. But not to someone I knew, but to something. Music became my constant companion. It comforted me and I became addicted to it. I used to sit for hours in the dark, feeling the music envelope me. It was my only escape.

But I couldn't hide behind music forever. I had to remove my headphones and face 'it' again on my own. And it always tried to hurt me.

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"~~~~Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near

Wanna feel alive, outside I can't fight my fear~~~~"

At school it left me alone.I could still feel its presence but I could never see it. I was glad. School became my safe place, somewhere I could get rid of it. But that all changed the next academic year.

The school had a rule, that every year the classes would shuffle people in different sections. Till that year each class I was in, I had my best friend with me or I made a new best friend.someone who got separated from all of their friends.

This year there was no one. I was all alone. All the other students in my class had their best friends with them. I tried to be friends with them.

But I always felt like I was third wheeling, like I was unwanted. I could feel their non-existent gazes on me, trying to find away to get rid of me. Once, a girl literally told it to my face to leave them alone.

I cried in the school washroom that day. I felt unwanted,like a pest,a weed. It felt horrible and I couldn't even tell anyone.

My best friends from the other class asked me what happened when they noticed my glum mood, but I told them not to worry and that I was fine.

But I was not. I was breaking and no one could see it. A part of me didn't want them to, I didn't want to appear weak, but a part of me craved for someone to notice, to comfort me.

I felt alone. all alone.

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"~~~~Isn't it lovely, all alone

Heart made of glass, my mind of stone

Tear me to pieces, skin to bone

Hello, welcome home~~~~"

It was then that I started to seek it out. I looked for it and when it was there it gathered me in it's arms. It became an ocean now, a black ocean full of despair. It was like I was in a cave full of darkness containing a black ocean.

It was so,so dark. Don't get me wrong, there was light. There was an opening in the cave but it was miles away, so far away up in the sky.

Sometimes the waters were still, I could stay adrift, keep my head above the water. But sometimes, the waves were massive, they'd pull me under. Choke up with the water. I sometimes wished it would so that I would be free.

I lay in it arms, choking on my tears, trying to make minimal noise while pulling my blanket closer to me so that no one could hear in the night.

There I wondered whether I would have to lay here forever as I had wished before. I wondered if this is the last place I would be found. Choking on my tears as it filled me up.

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~Here I met and here I stay,

with my only comfort from night to day

Don't look for me I won't be there,

But I hope one day I'll meet you here~

Note: So yeah I did write this because I needed to get it off my chest. Also this is the first time I have ever posted something I have written online, so I hope you guys like it.Thank you and have a nice day everyone~~~

<3<3<3 >3< <3