4 Chapter 3: Acceptance
It has been 2 years since "Bell" had finished recovering his past life's memories. With the realization of the possible consequences that may have come with his unintentional reincarnation, he couldn't help but succumb to his old habits to cope with the horrible things he may have done.
He might not have definite proof that his speculations were true, but until they were proven false, he couldn't deny their existence. And the possibility that it may be true, was enough for "Bell" to completely crumble mentally.
In his life of solitude, the closest relationships "Bell" had been in were with the stories he read throughout his past life. Stories became his passion, his lone obsession. He was able to tolerate the pains of neglect and loneliness he experienced as a child because he had stories with him. He would dedicate every hour he had beyond minimum upkeep to consuming and immersing himself in the numerous stories he had available to him.
In addition to that, the story and world of Danmachi held a close place in "Bell's" heart. It was his gateway to all the fictional worlds he would later read. He loved and adored every aspect of it. Even when it was flawed, it was perfect in "Bell's" mind.
Thus, having the idea that he may have killed the titular protagonist of his most beloved story. Having thought he may have irreversibly ruined his favorite work with his presence alone. It was a surprise he didn't go insane right then and there. But he simply chose to avoid such a path to not cause even further damage to the world he lived in.
He wasn't even sure of what to do when it came time for Zeus to "pass away". When it came time for "Bell" to travel to Orario to begin the events of the plot. His guilt simply froze him, simply choosing to not confront it for now. To run away from the reality of his situation. "Bell" never changed.
It was with this personality that "Bell" grew up alongside Zeus and the people of the village for 2 years.
...
..
.
'Bell...what could possibly be happening with him?'
Zeus pondered as he worked the field in the middle of a sunny summer's day. With a straw hat on his head, and dressed up in fieldwork attire, he began tilling the dirt with his hoe in preparation for planting the next batch of crops.
As he had been working this job for 3 years now, he was familiar enough with the task to ponder on other stuff while his body worked on instinct.
He pondered on his precious grandson and the rather...peculiar habits he has shown.
When Zeus learned that Bell had been able to learn to speak, read and write relatively quickly, he was beyond ecstatic that his grandson may very well be a genius. In addition to that, Bell was well-behaved and didn't cause much of a fuss for their neighbors. To many, he was the ideal perfect child.
Though his fellow villagers praised his grandson greatly, Zeus couldn't help but feel concerned with his behavior.
'Not like I'm saying being courteous and kind is bad for a kid. But Bell feels...distant'
Zeus would always make an effort to make his grandson smile with his jokes and conversations, just as he did with his past familia. And though his words would always reach his grandson, he would always feel distant from him no matter what he did.
'I could simply attribute that to my sensibilities of a god not reacting well with kids...though it would hurt, if he had someone he was close to, I would be able to bear with it...'
But Bell didn't. He kept a distance from everyone in the village, not just himself.
When the kids would call him out to play, he would simply retreat to their library and pretend they weren't there.
When Idyia would come to visit with her daughter, though he would greet them and not immediately hide away, he would make an effort to speak as little as possible.
'I can't seem to understand what caused the poor boy to cut himself off from everyone...especially at such a young age'
'I can't allow this to continue further. It will greatly affect the boy's development. But I have nothing that can bring him out of his shell...'
Zeus sighed at his inability to provide his grandson with whatever he lacked in order to live a good life surrounded by friends and family.
'perhaps...he wouldn't be like this if you were here Meteria...even Bell's father could probably do a better job than me...'
Though he was able to find purpose to live again after the fall of his and Hera's familia, he would still be susceptible to bouts of depression and self-doubt.
But he soon snapped himself out of it. Living true to the words provided to him by Meteria at the end of her life.
'No use wallowing in pity. Your grandson needs help and you still have a healthy mind and body. Look for more solutions. Depression can come later'
With his resolve strengthened, Zeus began toiling away at the field with a grin on his face, formulating new jokes he could use to break the ice with his precious grandson.
...
..
.
In the dark recesses of a home near the fields of the farming village, there lay a boy with silver hair and light blue eyes. He gazed out to the window pondering what had happened in his life so far, and every time he did, it tired him immensely with guilt.
'Damn it. Why does Zeus have to be so damn persistent-'
"Bell" over the past 2 years tried his best to distance himself from as much of the village as possible. He was successful in doing so except with 3 individuals. His caretaker Idyia, her daughter Medea, and..."his" grandfather Zeus.
Though he was able to deal with Idyia and Medea as they only came by the house on rare occasions. Zeus was persistent in getting him to socialize.
He would always come back home with some new way to start talking with him, equipped with a new set of jokes purposefully designed to get me to laugh.
'And he was nearly successful'
Years of love and concern, coupled with humor, would make even the wariest of people lower their guard. It was no different with "Bell". Having grown up neglected in his past life, he couldn't help but be drawn to the warm familial love of Zeus.
What held him back every time from completely accepting it however was one simple fact.
'This is all meant for the original Bell, not me'
None of what he was experiencing was supposed to be his. It was something he selfishly took from an unaware toddler. The guilt accumulated through this thought is what allowed him to remain firm all this time. Though he felt even worse attributing his success to his potential murder of the protagonist of this world.
'I tried learning how to read and write in the hopes that I may be able to find out more about souls in the books of this village...but as expected...there wouldn't be books on the topic in a rural village like this'
"Bell" combed through every book this village had to offer. Using all his birthday requests to read each book his neighbors had, if not allowing himself to own them. But it was all futile. Most were simply tales of heroes and monsters, and the most advanced books only covered topics related to governing and running the village.
"Bell" considered the possibility of traveling the world to nations like Altena to search for more information, but he quickly rejected that idea after realizing he would soon have to deal with the event of the main plot.
'Not like I could even do anything if I did involve myself with the plot. I have no system or benefits as far as I know, and I lack the naive courage and innocent soul which allowed Bell to gain cheat skills like "Liaris Freese" and gain the trust of all the characters'
'I wonder if Freya/Syr would be disgusted with me? It said she is able to distinguish the souls of evil people, so I wonder how I look in her eyes...hahaha....'
Throughout the years of entertaining the idea of his possible murder, he has slowly turned his fear into a natural self-loathing that found every opportunity to tear down his non-existent ego.
'I also hoped for the possibility that this may be a dream, but after 2 years, I'm now just banking on the possibility of some corporation or alien using my brain for simulation experiments'
Left unaware of the truth of his reincarnation. He began making light of his current reality frequently. This led to his grip on reality slipping, only further exacerbating his existing issues.
'I can't even sleep to run away anymore. I always have that dream of a blizzard...or maybe it's a sandstorm?'
Having found a new topic to distract himself with, he began preparing to prolong this pondering as much as possible until...
"IM HOME BELL!"
"His" grandfather came back home. "Bell" slowly tidied himself up, and reluctantly moved to welcome back Zeus from a hard day of work.
"Welcome home grandpa, how was work?"
Seeing Bell come out of their home's reading room, Zeus readied a one-liner he had prepared for this very moment.
"Same old routine. Tilling the fields for the new crops. But I did see a cow trip and fall on its back. The cow was fine, but it was UDDERLY hilarious to watch HAHAHAHAH"
"...I see, what a funny story grandpa"
"Bell" replied to Zeus' attempt at humor with the same distant smile and reply he had employed before. Zeus, seeing that bad puns don't work on his grandson, decided to opt for a different approach. Though it did sadden him to see it had no effect at all, he didn't show it on his face.
"How about you Bell? Anything happening with you?"
Zeus immediately pivoted, hoping to move the conversation from his failed joke.
"The same as every day grandpa. Read books, then read even more"
Such was the answer "Bell" provided Zeus every time he was asked how his day went. Knowing that simply acknowledging his reply would lead to a dead end for the conversation, Zeus attempted to try and jab his grandson a little.
"Haven't you read all those books at this point? What do you do? Reread them endlessly? HAHAHAHA"
"Yes, yes I do grandpa. It's enjoyable"
"O-oh I see. But I bet you have trouble reading those books from the village chief eh? Bet it's filled with a bunch of fancy legal jargon"
"I'm having trouble, but I'm slowly getting the hang of it, no worries grandpa"
"G-good to know Bell"
Zeus cursed his inability to keep the conversation going on. He tried formulating more topics to talk about, but "Bell" spoke before he could.
"Grandpa, do you mind if I go back to the library? I wanna continue reading my book"
Confronted by the request of his grandson, and having no reason for him to stay any longer. He resigned himself to yet another failed attempt to bring his grandson out of his shell.
"Sure Bell...have fun reading"
"Thank grandpa. Rest well"
"Bell" then promptly turned to leave while Zeus could be seen expressing a hint of melancholy as he watched his grandson walk away.
'Sorry Zeus...if only...you were able to have the real Bell with you...'
But just as "Bell" was going into the library of their house, Zeus finally found a topic he could talk to his grandson about.
"Ah, Bell!"
Surprised by the spontaneous call of Zeus, "Bell" turned back to look at him.
"Y-yes?"
Zeus then moved next time, a wide smile plastered on his face.
"Bell, there's actually going to be a feast in the village tonight! We got a surplus from this year's harvest so there's going to be plenty of food to share!"
"The chief invited everyone to join. Even Idyia and Medea will be there. They both have been missing you greatly, so it would make them really happy if you guys met. So how about me and you both go together?"
As Zeus extended his hand towards "Bell" to convey his intentions even further-
"NO-"
"Bell" replied back to Zeus with an intensity of emotions he never saw from him before.
Dazed from his grandson's outburst. Zeus could only watch in silence as he saw "Bell's" current state. Shaking and breathing heavily. It was as if the very idea of associating with anyone frightened "Bell" to his very core.
"Bell" for his part, saw the dazed Zeus, shocked from his spontaneous outburst. Not knowing how to respond, "Bell" ran to the library and hid behind the door. Nervous and anxious.
He wanted to have nothing to do with the characters of the story he dearly loved as a form of self-imposed punishment, but at the same time, he didn't want to hurt them with his actions. Where most people would eventually resolve themselves to a single path, "Bell" like a dear in headlights.
Wanting everything and nothing at the same time. Trying to find a way out but never putting in the effort to take even a single step. Thinking deeply about his predicament but distracting himself from truly confronting the problem. An irredeemable hypocrite. Too afraid to commit and too afraid of the consequences.
Thus "Bell's" cycle began once more. The release of effort to achieve nothing at all. Not ever once taking a step to break out of the cage he has always imposed on himself.
...
..
.
Zeus, eventually coming back to his senses, realized now just how bad his grandson's aversion to social interaction was. He couldn't help but think of a number of things at that moment.
His sadness that his grandson feared the outside world to such an extent.
His anger at himself for inciting such an intense reaction from him.
His regret for not being able to become what Bell needed.
His pain for failing to uphold the promise he made to Meteria.
Zeus was on the verge of slipping into a bout of depression but stopped as he realized he needed to be the pillar of support for his hurting grandson. Though he doesn't know he can become such a thing for him, it's better he tries than not at all. Zeus had all the time in the world to contemplate and wall in his mistakes in the future, but it wasn't the same for his mortal grandson.
Hearing "Bell's" erratic breathing slowly but surely return to normal beyond the door to the library. Zeus decided that trying to intrude on him right now would only worsen his grandson's current state. So he opted to simply speak to him through the door.
"Bell...you there?"
Zeus asked to ensure that his grandson could hear his voice. He didn't hear a reply, but he did saw his shadow flicker in his response to his voice.
'So he's even afraid of me...'
"I get that you don't want to go. It's alright with me Bell. I'm sure Idyia, Medea, and the other villagers will understand, so no need to feel guilty about it"
"..."
"I'll take back some of the food for you to eat later when I come back. So just keep yourself occupied reading alright?"
"..."
Zeus asked, hoping he might be able to get a reply from him now that he knows he won't go. But "Bell" still remained silent. Zeus continued to not push his grandson, choosing to instead comfort him.
"Look, Bell. I just want you to know...No matter what, I love you alright? I will continue loving you forever. Never forget that"
"..."
Seeing the flickering of his grandson's shadow beneath the door begin to calm, Zeus took this time to leave "Bell" alone. If there was one thing Zeus learned about him throughout this time, it was that the silence of the library gave "Bell" a sense of comfort. So even though it hurt him immensely, he knew it was the best for his grandson.
With the sound of Zeus' footsteps going farther away, "Bell" began to ponder Zeus' words before he left. Similar to his previous ponderings, he was left with no answer, no reason, and no outlet for these emotions.
"Bell" wanted to reciprocate the feelings of this old man who had lost everything. He wanted to share the joys of daily life with the first real parental figure he had. He wanted so much to do all these things, but he couldn't bring himself to do so.
"Because that love isn't meant for me...Fuck"
And so there "Bell" laid. Resting against the door that separated him from everyone else. Repeating the cycle he was all too familiar with. Regretting. Loathing. Distracting. And eventually falling into a deep slumber.
...
..
.
The wind blew violently. Covering "Bell's" entire vision in a cloak of white. In this veil, no light was able to reach his sense. All he felt was the violent gales that struck his body and resonated with him down to his very core.
'So it's this dream again...'
"Bell" always had this dream since a year ago. The same landscape of a violent storm of white. "Bell" had tried to see if he could discover more of this landscape, but he would always find himself unable to move a single inch as if he was refused to even do so.
'Maybe this is some weird expression of my mental state? But for me to constantly dream the exact same thing...I really must be going insane'
And so, in this world of dreams, "Bell" remained unmoving and unthinking, simply waiting for this dream to finally be over. But a new phenomenon began to take over him.
His body slowly turned rigid. As if he was being turned into stone. The prospect of becoming trapped within your own body would be terrifying to most people, but to "Bell", he found a weird comfort in the possibility.
'This way I can finally not be bothered'
'No worries to worry over. No fears to fear. Simply existing...unmoving...unthinking...until I eventually stop...'
The rigidness began to spread even faster around his body. Taking a hold of every fiber of his being. But just as it was about to fully take over him, "Bell" was brought back to reality.
"..."
"Bell" remained still. Slowly moving and feeling his body. Once he made sure that he was awake, he couldn't help but feel robbed.
"..."
Though he felt robbed, he was a little glad he didn't get what he wanted. To drag down the body of his favorite protagonist in an act of selfishness is something he wouldn't allow himself.
"Zeus would also be sad if he came back to his grandson dead on the floor..."
Knowing what Zeus went through from the explanations he got of his past in the story of Danmachi, he was afraid of what the god would do once he truly lost everyone he cared for.
"...I guess Idyia would be sad too, she took care of me, and treats me like her own son..."
"Bell" greatly cherished Idyia as she filled in the mother figure he never had in his life. Though he would always wonder why the original Bell never mentioned such a figure in his life. "Bell" speculated it might've just been irrelevant information in the eyes of the author.
"Medea would probably get confused...having her mother explain that the boy she played with was no longer with them..."
Though "Bell" did his best to distance himself from everyone. He couldn't help but care for the young girl. Her bright face coupled with her purple hair soothed his heart from the problems he constantly faced.
As "Bell" finished pondering the possible consequences of his failed action, he looked around the library and realized it was pitch black. Night had finally settled in while he was asleep.
'Gotta look for the lantern...'
But just as he was going to do so, he looked out to the window. He saw a menagerie of lights flicker across the village center. Shouts and chants of joy could be heard all throughout. The singing of folk songs was constant, as was the performing of folk dances. It perfectly encapsulated the concept of a celebration.
Watching this sight in the confines of his dark library, "Bell" couldn't help but note the dichotomy of the 2.
'Grandpa must be having a great time right now...'
The image of a drunken god mingling with mortals flew by his mind. Despite all the tragedy and grief he experienced, he was able to find it in himself to move and push forward.
'He even resolved himself to take care of a child...'
'Idyia and Medea...They both love each other very much, I'm sure they're having a blast right now'
The picture of a mother and daughter having fun by themselves as the village men goofed around in a drunken stupor brought a sense of joy to "Bell".
'They all wanted me to join...but that could never happen'
It never could
'It's not possible...It's just not'
It was a hope that he can never reach out. He would never allow himself to do so...
But one cannot deny what the heart desires
"I want....I...I WANT TO JOIN THEM TOO DAMN IT!"
His emotions burst forth as the tears he held flowed down his face greatly
"I WANT TO BE HAPPY WITH THEM. I WANT TO BE WITH THEM"
"I WANT TO LAUGH AT GRANDPA'S CORNY JOKES. BECOME A TRUE FAMILY WITH HIM."
"I WANT TO HUG IDYIA TIGHTLY. THANK HER FOR ALWAYS MAKING ME FEEL LOVED."
"I WANT TO DOTE ON MEDEA. EXPERIENCE HOW IT FEELS TO HAVE A SIBLING."
In the darkroom of the library, he allowed himself to shout out his own emotions. Knowing it would reach no one, he allowed himself this one selfish act.
"I WANT IT ALL...I WANT...EVERYTHING THEY HAVE...But...I can't"
"I'm not Bell Cranel...I'm not the child Meteria had...I'm not the last remnant of the greatest familia...I'm not the Argonaut reborn...I'm just..."
"A shitty reincarnator who took his place..."
Just as Bell finished venting all the emotions he built up. A noise in the quiet room had instantly broken him from his stupor of emotions. The door laid wide upon. Zeus looked at him. Shocked at what he had just heard.
"Bell?..."
"Bell" was frozen. Everything he had feared came true. Zeus heard everything. He had nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. He tried his best to come up with a way to avoid what was about to become. But the fear of the consequences took hold of his entire body.
Ideas of what would befall him raced through his mind. Would Zeus pummel him for taking away his grandson? Would he imprison him to get more information? How would Idyia and Medea react? Would she look upon him with disgust? Would he never see Medea again?
But just as "Bell" pondered on the numerous bad ends he could experience. Zeus began walking towards him. His cadence exhibited an atmosphere of calm. As he got closer, "Bell" readied himself for any possible scenario he imagined. But as he tensed every muscle in his body, readying for the pain of the inevitable.
He was greeted with an embrace
"..."
He stood still. Perhaps Zeus is doing this to drop his guard?
"Tell me, child...How long have you suffered like this?..."
"..."
Confusion befell "Bell" at that very instant.
'Why...why would Zeus act like this?'
"I know you must be confused...if what you said was true...you must be thinking I'm insane"
"..."
"But explanations can come later. What matter is that I convey this clearly to you"
"..."
"You're my grandson. That fact will never change"
Though "Bell" struggled to speak previously, he found it in himself to reject Zeus' statement
"I'm not....I'm not your-"
But Zeus quickly intervened before he could finish
"You are my grandson"
Zeus' embrace of "Bell" tightened even further.
'...perhaps he's refusing reality?...'
Thinking that might be the case, "Bell" prepared himself to speak again.
"Zeus...I'm really-"
"I'm perfectly fine Bell. You are my grandson"
"Bell" didn't know how to respond to Zeus' conviction.
"You are the child of Meteria whom she dearly loved"
"You are the child born from a miracle between mine and Hera's familias"
"You are the grandson I love dearly"
"You are Bell Cranel"
"Bell", unable to take the persistent denial of Zeus of the pain he has dealt with for so long, finally snapped back at him.
"HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW I AM?"
"I just know"
"TELL ME. TELL ME WHY ZEUS"
"I just know you are. Explanations can come later"
"IM NOT SOME CHILD. I HAVE THE MEMORIES OF BEING AN ADULT. I CAN HANDLE IT. JUST TELL ME-"
"Accept that you are my grandson first"
"...! I AM NOT YOUR GRANDSON ZEUS. IM A MURDERER. I TOOK YOUR GRANDSON'S PLACE. HES GONE. IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!"
"It isn't"
"I TOOK AWAY THE LIFE THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HIS. I STOLE EVERYTHING HE HAD-"
"You didn't'
"I RUINED EVERYTHING. I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE-"
"You are where you belong"
"I...I...Don't even deserve anything..."
"You deserve it all and more"
"I..."
"I love you. And I will always love you. Because you are my grandson. Because we are family"
"..."
"Bell" eventually succumbed to the stubborn love Zeus gave. He didn't care about his unanswered questions. He didn't care about the possible consequences. He simply accepted the genuine love he had received.
Crying into the night. Embraced by his grandfather. Bell finally took a step forward.
