19 Home
I didn't expect him to. But he did. I wanted him to, and he did. Bilal and Ramsha were at college, and Bisma was in her room, pretending to be asleep, though she knew that I knew she was awake. I had come down to the kitchen to prepare ourselves some breakfast, even though I could have asked the maid. But I wanted some distraction, I wanted to do something to relieve my mind of the despairing thoughts, of memories that couldn't be re-lived.
The guard must have let him in, recognizing him from the time I came home to get Father's checkbook, because when I turned to get milk from the refrigerator he was standing in the door frame, his eyes trained on me. I heaved in a long, shaky breath and averting my gaze went to the fridge. His sight always made me cry.
"Ma made me come here. I didn't want to." He provided. He shouldn't have. It didn't feel like some mere words. He had kicked me in the gut, only it wasn't where it hurt. Instead my heart bled.
I paused, and turned around to look at him, holding the refrigerator door open. "If you didn't want to, Adil, you shouldn't have."
"You shouldn't have informed me."
I thought I visibly shook in trying to control the sobs fighting to burst out. "I'm sorry I did. I thought we needed my family when we were going through the worst."
Adil nodded. "Yeah, I know that feeling."
I hadn't thought about that. Of course. Nobody does, who remembers the pain others felt at the time of our own despair. "Right." I said when I finally found my voice. "And I'd always regret what happened. But you can go Adil, we're fine."
"Ma want you two to come home with me." He stated, taking me off guard.
"What?" I voiced, letting the refrigerator door go, and heard it close with a subdued thump.
"She asked me to bring both of you home. I didn't tell her until tomorrow, and she was worried, wanted to come here. I held her off, didn't want to see her back in the place she was kicked out from."
I shook my head. "Tell her we're fine. You could have told her I said no without having to bother yourself to come here."
"I could have, but I know you don't want to say no." I flushed. He straightened up and shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants. "Hurry up, I'll be waiting in the car."
"I don't want to burden her. Don't want her to do what we didn't."
"You don't always get what you gave. Sometimes you get better." He said, his voice sounding bitter, and then turned. "I'll be waiting in the car. Get Bisma and hurry up."
"We were about to have breakfast." I worried if we went there hungry Aunt would have to arrange something for us.
"She already has some prepared." He said, glancing over his shoulder and walked away.
---
I went up to Bisma's room. Her refusal was so firm I had to tell her everything, from beginning till the end. When I finished, she stared at me with eyes unblinking, with a lost look in them, her face devoid of expressions. Silently, she grabbed her scarf from the bed beside her and rose to her feet.
"Let's go." She said and padded out of the room.
---
'Adil came. We're going with him to his house. Aunt wanted us there.' I typed a message and sent it to Bilal and Ramsha.
Ramsha must have been in class so she didn't respond. Bilal's reply came immediately.
'Sure :)'
I sensed something was wrong.
'Is that okay with you?'
'Yeah of course :)'
'Sure?'
'Totally :)'
'Stop using that emoticon then. It's creeping me out. Also giving me the impression that you don't want me to go.'
'Why wouldn't I? If it'll make you feel better, Mashal, you should definitely go. I'm fine, trust me. '
'Okay.' I typed in, hit send, and glanced out of the car window at the morning traffic, at the lazy pace of pedestrians. Then for some dumb reason, I typed into the phone. 'Adil and I have nothing going on between us. '
His reply came unusually late. 'I know. And your feelings for him and my feelings for you are the least of my worries right now. You father just died, Mashal, you're going through a trauma, and you're my friend. '
Bilal said 'your feelings for him.' He knew that having nothing going on with Adil didn't mean I didn't hold any feelings for him at all. I wished I didn't.
'Okay.'
---
My breathing quickened when we reached the house. Adil parked the car outside the white iron gates and muttered something incoherently before getting out. Assuming he had informed us this was it, I pulled the door and stepped out just as Bisma closed the backdoor. We followed Adil through the gates and found ourselves in a small courtyard, where Aunt paced the length of the pavement. On our sight she halted, her eyes taking us in. Standing awkwardly by the gates, I saw Bisma run to her while Adil walked past me towards the main door. I didn't know what to do, what to say, my mind had suddenly gone blank, and Bisma had already begun to sob into Aunt's shoulder.
Reluctantly I trudged towards her, tucking my lower lip between my teeth to keep it from wobbling. When Bisma finally pulled away, Aunt wiped her wet face with her scarf and planted a kiss on her forehead.
"I'm sorry." I said when I found my voice.
She shook her head in disapprovement. "Let's pretend the last fifteen years didn't happen."
I opened my mouth to inhale a shaky breath but a sob escaped my mouth with a gasp. I nodded vigorously.
Bringing a smile to her face she pulled me into a hug. "Tell me, have you eaten anything?"
"No." My voice came out wet and slippery.
"Good, because I have prepared aloo ka paratha for both of you."
---
Aunt insisted for us to stay the night, we politely refused at first but then gave in. She had already prepared a room and as she showed us there, she told us that she wouldn't have let us go back to our house to spend a night there alone. Adil wasn't at dinner and Aunt didn't seem to notice. Once the nights were turned off and she ushered us into the room, instructing us to sleep tight, I messaged Ramsha and Bilal, informing us of our stay.
'THAT IS GREAT NEWS, MASHAL. TELL ME EVERYTHING WHENEVER YOU'RE FREE, ALSO LET ME KNOW IF WE CAN VISIT YOU THERE.' Ramsha had replied to the previous texts. I responded with a not sure.
'Good for you.' Bilal's text read.
I turned my phone upside down on my stomach and closed my eyes, wondering what I was going to do tomorrow. The ceiling was a blur, images of my father roamed in my vision, glided through the blades of the fan. I squeezed my eyes shut and wondered when I'd call him, would he be able to hear?
---
Adil abstained from coming to the breakfast table and his absence weighed heavily on my heart. But what Aunt proposed next further piled the unease into unsurmountable heights. With all the seriousness in her eyes, as she gazed at us from the chair across, I realised she only wanted the answer to her question in affirmative. Bisma and I exchanged glances.
"I don't know Aunt. Have you asked Adil?"
"Do not worry about Adil, Mashal." She dismissed the notion of involving him in the decision with a wave of her hand.
"I don't want to burden-"
"For God's sakes, aren't you my children too?"
I moved my head down in an embarrassed nod.
"Then it's decided, you are moving in. I'll tell Adil to take you home, pack all your necessary things and come back here."
I wondered what Bilal and Ramsha would say.
---
