1 The break up

You know that moment? That heart wrenching moment when you know something has come to an end? When that relationship you longed for finally has crumbled into such small pieces that you can't just pick it up and put it back together again?

Yeah, i do too. It's hard. It's painful and it's never easy to tell that person what has been needing to be said.

I remember the day I had my lightbulb go off. My heart was dimmed by the person I was with and i felt like my time was being wasted if I continued. I wanted to get married and have children. Hell, i was a 27 year old single mother. I had yet to find my love, my future husband and father of my future children and my 30s were creeping up slowly.

It felt like my stomach had sank when I finally realized that Brian didn't want the same things as me. I pondered constantly as to why i wasn't enough for him or good enough for him to change his mind and want more children with me. We had bought a house and built a home. We had bought some dogs and let our sons grow into calling each other "brothers".

But yet, I wanted more. I NEEDED more. And he couldn't and wouldn't deliver.

My heart broke and I finally decided it was time.

I went to a movie by myself and before i sat down, i sent Brian a text saying i took myself on a date and we needed talk when we got home.

When i got home, we sat down.

Me: I think you know what this talk is about.

Brian: How long have you been unhappy for?

Me: I'm not sure. I believe it started a few months ago when i realized you'll never marry me.

Brian: Marriage is silly. Everyone i know is divorced. It's a dumb idea.

Me: But it's MY idea. I want to get married and have more kids.

Brian: you knew what you were getting into

Me: you just told me last year you didn't want any of that so actually no, i did not know. Regardless though, i am not happy. We both knew this wouldn't work. We aren't on the same page. I mean hell, we aren't even in the same book, on the same shelf, in the same row or in the same library. This isn't working for me and i will not continue to put my feelings on the back burner. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted and it's causing me to be physically exhausted as well. I am leaving. It is over.

Brian didn't have anything much else to say. We both knew my words were truer than true. We needed to end it before we hurt each other more in the end.

We had already let it linger further than we should have.