1 MY DAD

Fact 1: I will only write when that feeling rises

They… had a huge fight today.

I dont know what to feel. I knew they would like… create this fight once more. They do it rarely but when they do it, it is so effective that my sister literally dwon in tears sometimes. I… get used to it though.

Anyways, my dad has been always agressive and ignorant like this. He basically ignored me when i was born. He… did not escape from the house. But he did, leave all the parenting to my mom, basically…

He is very scary-looking and rude when he gets mad. He is one of the reasons i got low-self-esteem issues and paranoia, they somehow try to escape this fact though, i feel it. BOTH OF THEM.

He is kinda a cool guy when he is not mad. So i mostly leave him alone. In future, i would not visit him or something though.

But rn, i feel mad but numb, dont what to do, escape from reality, bla bla…

I already told these things to myself over and over. You know what its about, i know what its about, lets continue…

When he beats the crap out of me, i would never hit him back. Because i couldnt. Because i still cant. Im always thinking about getting revenge. When im 18, maybe i can kill him, can i? No no no no, thats against my religion.

But is this also agains it? Idk. I will just let those tentacles grow inside me.

Anyways i also have some extreme fantasies about killing my dad. When im WEAK enough to get mad, i just want to kill him with blood loss. Hitting his head to a brick wall over and over and over and over again. When he becomes old and weak. He would already wanna kill himself since he cant face reality… Just like now, what an idiot!

I wish i could stop slowly turning himself. I cant…

I just hate him though, not even a single drop of respect left towards him. I just act like one of his friends when im near him. And he is nothing more than a bully sometimes. It happens rarely though, i gotta say.

My mind screams for me to not write the first chapter.

"I cant, i just started to write yet and i can go for it. We all been waiting for this, right?"

Anyways, this is kinda getting boring… I'll talk to my mom and be right back.