27 Seeking Trust

That night, I immediately set the candles ablaze in every corner of the room, hoping the light could chase away the shadows that plagued me. Even so, if I dared to shut my eyes for a split second too long, the face of the dead man would appear, his bulging eyes staring straight at me.

Even if I wanted to take a sip of water, I would immediately be reminded of the sinking corpse. All water was connected after all, and with shaking hands, I set down the cup, realizing that someone had to have perished in the same liquid touching my lips.

"Fourth princess, Your Humble Servant will stand on guard," the maid reassured, motioning to head out of the room.

"Wait," I whispered, my voice hoarse from dehydration. "I'm sorry for involving you in all of this. But if it wasn't for you today, I don't think I would have ever managed to step out of the door."

She spun around, as if shocked that I would apologize. Her eyes turned wide with more expression than she had the entire night.

"I just wanted to survive, that's all," I smiled bitterly. "Do you mind staying a bit longer and chatting with me? I'm—" But the word "scared" was caught in my throat.

She nodded, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room.

To think, growing up, my favorite pastime was to talk. Whether it meant casual bantering with my aunt or discussing poetry with my uncle, only when I spoke did I feel like I had a place in this world. If I yelled loud enough, I thought I could drown out the gossip and mentions of the curse. But instead, the older I grew, the less my words became as I realized it mattered not if I spoke if no one ever listened.

At that moment, more than anything, I wanted someone to confide in and to let all the words forced deep inside me out. They weighed down on my consciousness, a lock on my actual identity.

But even so, I knew I couldn't trust her. I couldn't trust anyone, I reminded myself, gripping the emblem of the Prince of Jin tightly in my palms. Perhaps it was time to lock the last bits of Youshi away.

A voice inside jeered, "Youshi died for good the minute you plunged the needle into his neck. So stop being fake and pretending as if you can remain a white blossom inside a tank of crimson dye." It was a sharp slap across the face. "Take the chance and get closer to her. She can be a valuable asset in a foreign land. You need someone to be by your side."

If I wanted to live, indecisiveness would have to go. I must make the maid before me believe that we were on the same boat. Only then would she devote herself to me.

"Please sit," I gestured. "To think, I never was introduced to you properly. What is your name?"

"A' Huan," she replied emotionlessly, looking down as if also reminiscing about another past.

"I mean your actual name," I continued. "Seeing your reactions and your wit, if I'm not mistaken, you weren't born into this life of a servant."

There was a tinge of short-lived guilt as I realized I was dwelling deeper into her scars, but I had to know who she was.

"But why?" Her voice was soft as she answered, an edge of longing laced into her words. Then, as if remembering her position, she added after a pause, "Your Highness, but why does it matter to you? I am but your maid after all." She paused yet again, "Your Humble Servant is but a maid after all."

I vaguely remembered the day in which she greeted me at my uncle's family and the uneasiness she said the words "Your Humble Servant." She probably was used to being a higher position than I was as an apothecarist.

"Do you really think of me as a princess," I half-joked. "It's only been a week, and the Youshi I knew is lost. Promise me that you will remember what my name is when I forget, and I shall do the same for you."

I plastered on my warmest smile, but there was genuineness laced into it where I had not expected. We were both shadows of one another's encounters as much as ghosts of our former selves.

She looked up, a dazed look inching into her eyes. "Huanyu," her lips quivered. "Huan as in mirage. Yu as in jade. It was my Mother's most prized bracelet, the symbol of my Father's affection for her and his doting of me."

"Do you miss them?"

"Everyday."

I nodded. "After I secure my position as the Princess Consort of Jin, I'll grant you your freedom, and you can go back to them. Just promise me that you will go visit my Uncle and Aunt once in a while for me."

Speaking with her, I gradually forgot my initial intentions of securing a trustworthy maid. Instead, I truly wanted at least one of us to make it back alive. It couldn't be me, so at least she could live on and resume that past dream.

"They're all gone," she whispered. "There's nothing back for me to return to."

We both became silent, and no words of condolence sounded right for the occasion.

"If Your Highness doesn't mind, I… Your Humble Servant would like to take your initial offer of becoming your personal maid," She suddenly bowed, dipping her head down low. "In the foreign land, I would willingly become your right hand man and help you succeed in fortifying the status of Liang."

What did she want from me in return? She couldn't possibly believe that I would take her words to mean exactly that.

"Then tell me what your intentions are. Every single word of them," I replied. "I hadn't meant to ask about your background as to not spread salt on your wounds, but if you expect wholehearted trust, I want to know what your motives are."

I was blunt, thinking that she would prefer such direct negotiations instead, as she wasn't the type to tie knots on her words.

"All I want is to avenge my family and to see the fall of General Lin," she knelt and pressed her head against the floor. "I watched as his men slaughtered my family before my very eyes, and I want to see the desperation in his eyes when he realizes pain. If Your Highness could help me fulfill that wish, Your Humble Servant would thank you for life."

"You may refer yourself as Hanyu instead of Humble Servant when speaking to me from now on, personal attendant of the Fourth princess.

I couldn't see her expression. But from that day on, she became my shadow. As much as she needed my influence, I needed her to at least be by my side and to block invisible arrows. We shared a common secret after all, the product of our alliance slowly being nibbled upon by fish at the bottom of a river.

The next few moons passed without commotion, boring at best. But if the Prince of Jin really didn't want me for wife, it would be the last calm before a brewing storm.

I spent my days staring out the window at the land before me, watching the gentle rivers give way to the North's bleak plateaus, bracing myself for what was to come. And at night, I listened as the Sui officials gave me necessary details regarding their imperial courts. Over time, I learned the basics of their tongue. Beneath the surface, the differences were not that glaring, an alternate dialect at best.

"Princess, we are almost there." Finally, those words that I had been dreading sounded.

Images of a nomadic hut and unkempt barbarism surfaced in my mind, but when the city walls of Chang'An loomed into view, I was stunned.

Countless soldiers dressed in full armor stood on guard, and all of them pointed towards me.

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