23 Life and Death

For a split second, I wanted to just stand in silence and blindly gaze, to forget about how I was near-naked in front of a stranger mere moments before, and to calm my thundering heartbeat.

Then, reality set in, and my gaze focused on the man slumped over.

Stumbling, I sprang up from the mattress as if it was a vat of poison slowly seeping into my body, only to step on a hairpin accidentally. It dug into my skin like a needle, not cutting through but instead stabbing me with dull pain and jerking me back to sensibility.

I rushed to collect the pieces of scattered clothing, hugging them close to me for a brief moment before shakily putting them back on piece by piece as fast as I could.

An invisible hand forced me to walk faster and faster on this narrow cliff as the path behind me crumbled to oblivion. Time was running out.

What would I do?

If he awoke, I would be surely doomed. A voice inside nagged that the answer was clear.

Only dead men would keep their lips sealed forever.

But the very thought of my silver needles being tainted scarlet pained me more than any physical wound. They were meant to save lives, not take them. And even if I tried, I could never wipe those stains away.

Well, it was much too late anyway to begin regretting. The voice reminded.

My eyes closed, intrinsically wanting to prevent me from seeing the scene and to block out reality, but I forced them open. Now was not the time to be a scared and frail princess.

Hastily tying the final knot, my hands trembled as I reached for the stranger.

Creak.

The door opened by a sliver.

"Fourth princess, Your Humble Servant has brought your meal."

There wasn't time to hide the body, and my muscles twitched in anxiety, not sure whether I should risk waiting for her to leave as if nothing had ever happened.

Creak.

The door shut with a soft protest, but the maid still remained, her head dipped down toward the floor. She lightly set the tray on the table, never once taking her eyes off the floor.

"You may take your leave," I replied, trying to calm my erratic breathing, my words coming out instead in an unwanted strained voice.

She must have picked up on the irregularities because her eyes flickered up for just a second. But that one second was enough to spell our doom.

The sound of my pounding heartbeat drowned out everything else, and I rushed forward to clamp her mouth shut.

I couldn't care that her eyes widened when she finally looked up. I couldn't help but block out her muffled cries for help. I couldn't do anything but hold her until she stopped thrashing around.

There was unordinary strength in her frail arms, and I realized that I had the same revelation and had seen her before back when I was taken from my uncle's home. She had managed to support me with her wispy arms, a robust will to survive and prevail hidden in such a tiny frame.

Her face was forgettable, neither obviously ugly nor breathtakingly beautiful. She could blend into a crowd, and if I were to live, I needed that skill that night, and her strength would surely come in handy.

"You have two options. Pretend that you saw nothing," I paused. "And end up like him." I edged a hint of menace into my whispered words, but truthfully, I didn't even know what words spurted out of my mouth. In the spur of the moment, my own will to survive spoke for me, taking over my own lines of thoughts in an animalistic instinct to live. "Or you can aid me and join me by my side. When tonight is over, I will promote you to my head personal maid."

I stared into her fawn-like eyes, seeing the flash of terror before they spun around in a circle, contemplating.

Her flailing arms finally calmed, and she gave a slight nod.

Lightly, bit by bit, I loosened my grip, making sure that she was not about to scream for help. Much to my relief, she stood with her lips pursed, her hands silently knotting together.

I voiced a thousand apologies in my mind, but I maintained a stern expression on the exterior. When this situation was dealt with, I would offer my apologies, I thought.

On the bed, the man was ever-so-slightly shifting in place. Time was running out. It wouldn't be long before the effects of my acupuncture wore off. I needed to finish him for good.

But how? If I slit his throat, the blood would seep over the entire room. And if I cut his wrist, a trail of blood would betray us. Never before would I have thought that my medicinal skills were put to use only to kill.

"Quick, wet the piece of cloth," I commanded, motioning to the tray she just brought in. "Soak it so that it's full of water."

She swiftly did as commanded, the fear in her eyes forcing her to do as I said. Taking the damped fabric in my hands, I took a deep breath before clamping it over the man's nose and mouth, applying sufficient pressure to make sure that there were no air gaps.

Mouthing familiar Buddhist hymns under my breath, though he was the one suffocating, it suddenly became as if I could no longer breathe properly. The weight of the entire room seemed to crush my chest, forcing me down to hell for these sins.

His eyes blinked open. Thrashing around, he struggled in muffled moans as he woke to his own death.

Without me asking, the maid rushed over in small steps to hold down the man's arms.

His movements grew weaker and weaker as the life left him. His face purpled, and a vein protruded across his forehead as his eyes began bulging out.

Finally, his eyes turned glassy, not even closing before he let out a last choked guggle. Even so, I held the towel for a few more moments, not wanting to risk it.

Then, shakily dipping my finger under his nose, I could sense no more life. However, the weight on my chest only intensified, and my hand recoiled immediately.

Sure, I had seen my fair share of corpses before. But those people died of starvation, of illness, of poverty. None of those people died directly because of me.

I could no longer bear to look at him and instead spun around, trying to keep the vomit from forcing its way up my throat.

"Search his body," I told the maid, but I never expected her to follow through.

Moments later, she handed me an emblem, a pass of some sort.

It read only a few words.

"Granted by the Prince of Jin."