19 Life Is A Ride

We have won another battle.

And we have Roberto back.

But what it has left is the sense that there will always be Evil, The Darkness, something lurking in the corner.

I have learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment, and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next.

Why did I not learn to treat everything like it was the last time? My greatest regret was how much I believed in the future. The truth is that unless you let go unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.

It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone, the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted for having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you because you think that your feelings were wrong, and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain.

You've got to dance like there's nobody watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like there's nobody listening, and live like it's heaven on earth. 

Well, do I believe in that faint breath of a word that is called a miracle?

It will take me some more convincing, but what has just happened is rather a good start.

So, yes, accept it.

At some point, you are going to have to accept that there are words like faith, like hope and that there are even those things that they are calling miracles.

I can no honestly say that you, this Evil, you can now go away. You might think you are tearing us apart, where in fact, you are only bringing us stronger and closer towards each other.

You infiltrate so many lives; how can you remember the details of ours? I do not remember you entering our thoughts. You were not in our vision at all. You can come to us in shock, all grades of your aggressiveness. I will give it to you; you totally took us by surprise and caught us out!

You have so many victories, have beat so many people, but I need you to know that this is a battle you can not win, and I am going to tell you why.

But first… You changed this Vampire Master.

You make him fight demons that only he could see. Twist his mind, test his soul. You make him hurt from the top of his head right down to his toes. You weaken him physically, something he has never before experienced. You make him question his own strength, his desire to fight. You make him terrified, but not for himself, never for himself; you make him terrified of causing others so much pain, so much hurt. 

You make him feel guilty for the tears and heartache he sees in other's eyes. You make his own eyes look so, so sad. I can see in them the rawness. You break his heart. You steal his happiness and rock the very foundation of his home.

You are able to do this. You make him have to pause life for a while, something that he has never done. You make him live with real, crippling fear. I hate you so much for doing that. 

Suddenly the impulsive side of his life has to be pushed aside to accommodate the days of darkness, the weakness. He has always lived his life looking for adventure, exploring, living. He has always had a positive outlook on life, always knowing that he was lucky. Perhaps you thought him a little smug in his happiness? You have taken all of that from him.

But, I am a fair person, so I need to tell you what you also gave him. Balance things up a little. This will also help you understand why you can never win this particular battle! When you give him time to breathe, you give him a renewed lust and love of life. 

You make him appreciate what he has, made him truly understand and remember how bloody lucky he is. He has always chosen to live fully, with no regrets, but you make him run full pelt at life again. You make him grab every opportunity, accept every invitation, laugh with abandon every single day. 

You remind him to love deeply, appreciate fully, and to never, ever take anything for granted. You cement in his mind what is important and what really isn't! That is what you give him, and I will afford you a small nod of credit for that.

Now, let me tell you why you can't be victorious in these battles with him. You cannot win because all of what I have mentioned is his to keep, and nothing you do can take that from him. Whatever happens, you can not take that. Some people don't get a single day of what he has! There is no coulda woulda shoulda with us, no regrets. 

So you invading his life just made him make more memories. He tried things he had wanted to try. He upped the ante and lived harder than ever! Yes, you stayed on the periphery of his vision; that tends to be your way. You like to keep all of those touched by you, fearful of your return. It is your calling card, isn't it, your modus operandi. You like him never to forget your visit. But every single day, we got up and lived.

You seem to want to make him battle. I would be lying if I didn't admit that he is scared. That he doesn't have to control his mind to prevent it from taking him to dark places. It would also be a lie to say that he doesn't fear you. That he doesn't feel like someone is sitting on his chest, such is the panic. He does fear you. But fear can be channeled and molded into positive energy. An incredibly strong and potent positive energy. Did you not know that? I learned that ability a long time ago, so we have got that skill in the bag.

What you perhaps didn't anticipate, though, is that he is battle-ready. He is not blindsided. He is ready, with more weapons in our arsenal, more strength in our heads and hearts, and an army behind us! He is ready to battle you. Trust me when I say he will fight you with every ounce of his being. He will push back as hard as you push, harder, in fact. I promise you that. Oh, and guess what, he has the added advantage of knowing that whatever happens, You Cannot Win, because he has already won! He has truly and fully lived, and you can never, ever take that away from him. His memories, his love, his shared adventures, his full-to-bursting hearts. That can never be lost. He has won.

Hate is a strong word, but I truly hate you. You come in where you're not wanted and take what's not yours.

So this is why I'm telling you. I need to get all of this hurt and anger off of my chest. I am so pissed that you take and take and take.

But, you know what? You are not invincible.

You have taught him a lot. He can't consider you a friend yet, but you have created a fire inside him that he is thankful for. He has learned to let go of the negative thoughts that he had pushed deep down inside himself and release the emotions that were harming him physically. He will not let you have the last dance. No, sir.

He will no longer put his life on hold to be happy someday. He will not stress any longer over things he cannot control and instead will celebrate by living life to the fullest.

He knows there will be bumps along the way in life, but as long as he is able to see the sunrise and smell the fresh air, he can overcome anything, and that means you. 

So, he will fight to live; he will fight to give life in the future. You will not rob him of that.

You've lost your fair share of battles. You have come against those who refuse to go gentle into the night.

He will rage against the dying of the light.  He will rage against you. And, his light will still shine bright.

He might accept that you are here. But what he can do is fight and fight he will.

Yes, life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!"