1 5000 Years of Boredome

You know what?

All of those stories about immortals, gods and cultivation are complete and utter bullshit.

Arrogant young master that challenge anyone over the smallest issue?

Yeah sure, if you wanna die.

Secrets realms where the young generations compete for resources?

Who the hell would be so bored to make that kind of useless crap when you can just share the resources with those that deserve it.

Sects exterminating each other every other day?

If you wanna become the enemy of the whole world and be hunted by Gods and ghosts alike, go ahead.

Evil cultivators slaughtering the innocent for their forbidden rituals?

Guess what? Mortals don't have enough energy to support any kind of ritual and immortals are protected by their sects.

And the list goes on and on for God damn ever!

To put it bluntly, the life of a cultivator is boring. Extremely boring.

5.000 years. That is how long it's been since I've been reincarnated in this universe.

At first it was slightly confusing. I mean… I remembered dying. Oh, by the way, dying… Horrible as hell. I remember every second of it. Time seemed to slow down, pain was amplified ten times over and each second I would go between random thoughts that had no sense and choking on my own blood while my ribs were getting closes and closer to my still beating heart. As the sound started to disappear around me and the pain slowly faded away, I came to the sudden realisation that death was my only outcome. For a second I was angry, not on anyone else but on myself… I mean how fucking stupid do you have to be to drive during a snow storm, at night, after a few drinks? Fortunately I died by myself and my stupidity didn't cause anyone else any more pain. Yeah… That was it. The end!

Or not… To be honest, I don't remember the first couple of years of my second life. My memories and my sense of self started to return when I was 3 years old. At the age of 5 I was me again. In a different world, in a new body but at the very least I was not dead.

I remember when I first saw immortals flying above my head. Living in a village with little to no advanced technology made me believe that I got reincarnated into an ancient civilisation type of world. When I saw people flying in the sky, I started to believe that maybe only my village was out of norm and everywhere else there would be advanced technology with hover boards and space ships.

At the age of 9 I was introduced to the ridiculous world of immortal cultivation as I was selected as a outer sect disciple for a small local sect no one cared about.

Speed forward 32 years until the next interesting thing happened. And yes, for 32 fucking years NOTHING happened. I would wake up every day, practice some breathing techniques, go to the arena and practice some moves, then go and eat something, then back to the arena and back at home. And no, I did not have a cave as residence, just a normal wooden house that I shared with another disciple. Layered beds and no other decorations. Not even a God damn lamp. Nothing.

When I broke through for the first time to the Meridian Unlocking stage, there were no tribulations and no major difficulties. After that I received a place in the inner sect. Life was still the same though… Breathing, arena, food, arena, home. This was my life. Somehow, the more I cultivated the easier it seemed. This dull life was kinda relaxing and time seemed to speed up while my cultivation kept increasing. By the way, I don't know what kind of pills they fed us but our mentality remained quite childish and our body didn't develop at all. Even for a reincarnated person like myself, I had moments when I felt like crying without any reason. Now, thinking about it makes me cringe so damn hard, but back then it was just how I felt.

At the age of 63, exactly one hundred years latter, I broke through to the Core Formation stage. My mentality changed and I finally entered in my girls and booze faze. I guess the body dictates the mind to a certain extend and, as my body finally developed during the breakthrough, my mentality also changed. If in the past I would only think about what food do we have for dinner tonight, now I started to question myself on essential life mysteries like: "Why did I not notice before what a nice ass Ja'lie has?" or "How the hell am I supposed to masturbate without any porn?".

Yeah… That happened. To be honest, I'm not embarrassed about it. I consider that phase as one of the most essential phases of a person's life and I consider myself lucky to experience it twice.

Speed up another 407 years. Yap… 407… Years…

I was 786 year old back then. From the point of view of a mortal, I could have been considered already an immortal but from the point of view of the true powerhouses, I was nothing more than a brat that was about to make his biggest step toward the grand stage.

Core Formation is the step when you use all your life experience, your goals and desires, everything that formed you into the person that you already are in order to create a main core in the centre of your dantian. In the next three phases you evolve that core. This phases are known as Consolidation, Expansion and Fortification. To be honest, so far everything is fine and dandy and, in average, 1 out of every 20 cultivators reach this stage. As for the rest, they usually get stuck at one of those stages and are unable to go further. There is no danger and nothing to lose while you try to get stronger so far.

But there is nothing free in this world. After all this smooth sailing there is a big gap that only 1 Complete Core cultivator out of each 20.000 manages to pass: the Body Sundering Stage. To put bluntly, you need to literally disintegrate your Complete Core, use all that energy in order to Sunder you Soul from your Body, completely annihilate your current body and reforge it using your soul energy as a base.

This is like being reborn. Every single fibber and cell that makes you who you are would be completely replaced by new ones created using your own soul energy. In this process you create a vessel that is completely in sync with your soul allowing you to reach a different realm far above anything possible to normal cultivators.

It's like ascending from a mere mortal to a true immortal that is free from any chains.

In that small sect that I was part of there were more than 200 Complete Core cultivator but no Soul Ascension stage experts.

This realm, the Body Sundering, is like a road towards death that, once you've stepped on, you can't give up. The only choices are to either struggle and succeed or die trying.

At the young age of 786 I was faced with the greatest choice in my life… To be honest, by this point I already gave up on the idea that I was some kind of world protagonist with cheat powers and so on. This fucking world doesn't need any protagonist. What it truly needs is a villain to spice things up. I even considered becoming that villain myself a few times. Fortunately, I gave up… The rules are way to strict to the point where I wouldn't even be able to steal my first lollipop before getting arrested and thrown in a cold, dark place for the rest of my boring life.

Anyway… The idea is that I did not know what to do. Fortunately, as I reached this realm I gained something else from my sect, something that I lacked so far: freedom of movement. Basically I was not restrained by the sect to wander the world like in the past. In these conditions I decided to give up on cultivation for a while and enjoy life.

My first destination was the so called Red Silk City, a place dedicated to wasting time in the company of beautiful girls and good booze.

26 years latter I reluctantly decided to leave. What happened in that place shall forever remain there. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret even a second but, at times, it was so intense that it gave me goosebumps.

After that I kept travelling the world. Sometimes I would participate in banquets organised by kings and queens of the immortal world and other times I would have dinner with a farmer's family somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

At the age of 904 I decided to stop running. At the age of 904 I broke through to the Body Sundering Stage. At the age of 904 my true adventure begun.

Or not…

Don't get me wrong here, I didn't die. But I didn't succeed either… Like other immortals said, I stepped on a broken path. A path that no one has taken before. A path towards incertitude.

To put it bluntly, when I was about to shatter my Complete Core cultivation in order to start the final process I thought about a stupid question… What would happen if instead of destroying my body and creating a new one using my soul in order to generate a perfect vessel for that soul of mine, I would instead just throw my soul inside my core and slowly synchronize the two of them over a long period of time.

And that's what I did…

Yeah…

Like many other said, a strange path with an even stranger future was in front of me.

The good thing is that, using this method, I guaranteed my survival.

The bad thing was that I had no idea what to do next.

Another couple of hundred of years passed with me stuck in this strange situation while exploring the worlds. And yes, I said "worlds" at plural as I finally managed to leave my natal plane and adventure in the grand universe that existed outside.

In this period I did not manage to increase my cultivation whatsoever and I was stuck somewhere above the Complete Core stage but without a clear outline on how strong I truly was.

To be honest I feel like those years were well spent because I might not have grown stronger, but I managed to leave my mark upon the universe. And just what kind of mark that was…

Did you know? During a real fight, anything can be used against you. If you have long hair, someone might pull it resulting in losing your balance and maybe even dying because of it. If you practice some of those beastly techniques that result in additional appendages to grow on you, like a tail, someone might consider that a easy target and concentrate his attacks on that.

In this conditions, in a real fight, every cultivator would use a special technique similar with the usual dimensional storage used to transport stuff in order to hide those defects.

One more thing should be added here… The majority of those slightly more *cough* "gifted" *cough* cultivators would also use these technique to hide their manhood or, in female cultivator's case, their boobs. They might be hidden by your clothes, but believe me, in the middle of the fight you don't want a pendulum between your legs or two watermelons swaying in all directions at every movement.

And this is where I come in… To be honest, when I found out about this strange method used during real fights, which by the way are still extremely rare even in the grand universe, I was at first flabbergasted, then curious and then flabbergasted again…

The problem occurred when I tried using this technique on myself. Usually only Soul Ascension stage and above experts would use this method and they would create temporary space dimensions for it. As I was stuck somewhere between Complete Core and Soul Ascension, when I first tried it, the dimension destabilised and… Well… Let's just say that a certain shop owner was very pleased with my purchase of over 300 limb regenerating elixirs that day.

As I kept researching I finally figured out why I could not create a dimension. To put it simply, in order to create a separate world you need pure soul energy. But my soul was inside my mortal core, being slowly synchronised with it while also changing in the process. This change resulted in my soul energy turning into something completely different from the universal energy to the point where the universe could not stand its existence and would try to extinguish it the moment it appeared.

So what would a "sane" person do with this information? Generate something like an EMP pulse using my soul energy as a base, targeting dimensional disturbances, like personal space pouches and so on.

In the end I used this technique that I thought about only once… And the result was… Well… Yeah… That…

Just imagine… A Soul Pulse travelling through subspace, far faster than light itself, bending reality in its trajectory, targeting all spatial disturbances, without pause, without a clear end in sight.

That was the day when all storage devices in the universe were destroyed.

That was the day when mountains of treasures came flowing down from the heavens.

That was the day when ancient sects had their primordial realms destroyed.

That was the day when trillions of male cultivators lost something very important to them.

That was the day when even more female cultivators locked themselves in their residences, too ashamed to step out.

That was the day when all alchemist in the universe, starting with mere disciples and going up to ancient grandmasters, concoted all day long countless limb regenerating elixirs.

And most importantly, that was the day when the greatest man-hunt in the history of the universe begun.

….

Yeah… That happened… Well, at the very least no one knew who was behind that catastrophe. If they did I bet I wouldn't be here anymore.

Now let's speed time a little bit more.

At the age of 2100, my core was covered by my soul.

One thousand years latter, the two superimposed each other. My core was half tangible, half transcendent. It was somewhere between reality and the astral realm. It both existed and not existed in the same time. It was strange. But, somehow, for the first time in eons I felt good. It was relaxing, like I was a newborn, like my life finally had meaning again.

At the age of 3417 the next interesting event in my life took place: I got robbed. Or, at the very least, bandits tried to rob me. No one can't even hope to comprehend how happy I was when this happened. Finally, something interesting occurred in my life. I could fight, or maybe run away, or maybe they would overpower me and take me as a prisoner.

Sadly, it looks like a side effect of my broken path is that cultivators are kinda unable to sense my realm anymore. From the point of view of normal cultivators I'm just a mortal and for those that are stronger than the average I'm some kind of existence that they just ignore hoping that I won't notice them.

To put it bluntly, the exciting event that I expected never happened as I kinda scared the bandits into submission after using a single technique.

At the age of 3804 I broke through again… This time my core literally collapsed upon itself and then expanded and the collapsed again and the cycle started anew… With a frequency of about 9 collapsed per day I finally reached a realm that no one had any idea about.

In the next 700 year the frequency of my core's cycle kept increasing reaching 112 collapses per day.

Funnily enough, the human body has exactly 112 mortal meridians as well as one eternal meridian. When I was young I barely managed to open 79 mortal meridians, which can be considered just slightly above average but I also opened my eternal meridian. That is a secret that no more than 3 persons knows about. It's also proof that the eternal meridian is not there just for show and it can also be opened using the right method.

Yes, I was the first in history to open his eternal meridian. That is actually the main reason I used to believe I was some kind of world protagonist back then. Unfortunately, although I opened that stupid thing, nothing special happened afterwards.

Anyway, let's go forward a little bit more. At the age of 4601 I found an ancient scroll about some forbidden evil monster sealed in a corner of the universe. Of course I was intrigued and decided to check it out.

At that point in time I didn't have any hope to find that so called evil but, somehow, I actually found it. Not sealed, not trapped, not even guarded. A monster like the likes I've never seen before. An existence that should not exist. And still, there it was.

Coiled around a planet, with a size that can't even be properly imagined, the true definition of the so called obsidian sky-devouring serpent, the monster from my deepest nightmares was starring directly at me while its giant body was slowly starting to move.

What followed afterwards was a fight that can't even be properly described.

An insect fighting against an elephant. My spell could barely cover one of its scales, my sword could not penetrate its armoured body and even my strongest daoist artefact was easily crushed by any and each of its moves.

It was a pointless fight, but still thrilling. I felt fear but I was also excited. Every time the giant mass moved in my direction, I felt the cold stare of the death god behind my back, but I never backed down. With each swing of my sword my boredome was slowly melted away. With each move, the instinct that I didn't even know I had were awakened more and more. As time passed, my robe was stained red with my blood but the planet-sized serpent was not even scratched.

That was when I finally understood that I might actually die during this fight. Still, at this point in time there were few things that I was living for. This boring universe was not for me. I longed for adventure, for cliché plots and stupid villains. I desired to fall in love, to fight for the one I chose, to travel through an universe filled with danger, death and thrills.

For me, a quiet life was never an option. For me, this unwinnable fight was the most entertaining thing that happened in my life. Yes, I might be a battle-maniac, a thrill-seeking nut-job, a stupid masochistic cultivator. Yes, I might be all of those things but I don't care. I want to live my life as I desire. I don't know for sure if such a life is for me but, at the very least, it should be slightly more interesting than the last couple of thousands of years of absolute boredome.

In the end, after almost 9 days of continuing fighting, I finally tasted the sense of despair and pure unadulterated terror. After another 2 days I was completely spent, my body was half-broken and my energy was at rock bottom.

I lost.

Yap… That was it… Still, she did not kill me. She was actually quite a nice person… A nice planet-sized terrifying serpent-person. Her name is Jade, which is short for "the Jaws of Absolute Damnation throughout Eternity", and it looks like she is the last surviving member of an ancient invading species that was slaughtered during a grand rebellion countless years in the past.

From the looks of it, she was just as bored as I was. Although I was not able to injure her in any way, It was still fun. Oh, by the way, it looks like that giant thing I fought was her Avatar. Her real body is slightly more… Sensual.

To be honest, although I've been alive for over 4.000 years and I've seen my fair share of beauties, she still made me swallow my tongue. Or not…

Yes, away from the long tail that connected to her spine close to her gluteus maximus, she was definitely human-like. Beautiful forms, well defined abs and watermelon-sized breasts completed by a symmetrical face and long silky hair, she should definitely be considered an absolute beauty. Unfortunately, her whole body was covered in dark glistening scaled that gave her an otherworldly terrifying feeling. At this point I must say that I had the weirdest boner.

Oh well… After a few years I got used with her features and, as we kept talking and fighting against each other, we became friends…

Look, I know it sound strange for a 4.000 years old cultivator to not have any friends but, here I am. I don't know why, but I just never felt connected to anyone… Until now.

Having a friend that refuses to leave her planet kinda bound me down a little. Still, this does not mean I didn't travel around anymore. I just didn't go to far so that I could visit her at least once every 10 years or so.

…....….

And here we are today. Yes, this is the day that celebrates my 5000'th birthday.

Unfortunately I really don't feel like celebrating it. I am sad… At one point in time Jade told me that the reason this universe is so fucking boring is because it's extremely old and stable. There are no more secret realms, no competing races, no celestial beast and no invading enemies from another universes.

From the looks of it, the pinnacle of cultivation in the universe is called the Eternal Realm. Jade is a Body Eternal which means that her body is eternal, indestructible and intangible throughout the ages.

I also learned from her that, god know how many years ago, she led her species in an ancient war against this universe which was also guarded by another Eternal Cultivator. In the end, after countless years of fighting, another elder of this universe broke through to the Eternal realm and, as such, the balance of power was disrupted resulting in her species' extinction.

Oh, by the way, I am still not sure why, but it looks like Eternals can't kill each other. After everything was over and Jade's race was extinguished she lost all desire for vengeance and just gave up. At the very least this is what she told me although, considering her personality, I have a vague feeling that things might not have been this simple.