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Cosmic

Huyền huyễn
Ongoing · 169.7K Views
  • 12 Chs
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Synopsis

Cosmic will be outta commission for a while... gotta redesign the story a bit. Thanks for helping out with your reviews and adding to your collections. it will be back one day...tho probably not soon

Chapter 1The God of Darkness

"You monster! Come back here! I can't let you leave this place! YOU MUST NOT LEAVE THIS PLACE! I WILL DESTROY YOU! I WILL BURN YOUR REMAINS AND THEN I SHALL ERASE YOU FROM EXISTENCE! DO YOU HEAR ME! DO YOU-MY LORD! WAKE UP!, YOU'LL KILL US ALL AT THIS RATE!"

"...Sorry, had another nightmare." said a young man, putting an old man down. The young man yawned and stretched his arms, sitting upright.

"Well my lord, your nightmares are the equivalent of Armageddon occurring several times, so I would prefer you put up a barrier before sleeping." said the old man, quickly arranging his tuxedo and acting as if nothing had happened.

"Sorry about that Zeno, but I can't help it, I didn't expect to see my sister again after all these years. I'll try not to sleep for a while then." said the young man, picking up a broken vase.

"This was the last remnant of that world... Do people still remember it?" said the lad as he handed the vase to Zeno.

"I highly doubt that my lord, it was a few million years ago after all. You know how mortal races are, give'em a few eons and they don't remember anything. Well, not like they live that long." Zeno replied. "What would you like for breakfast, Lord Kirai?".

"Tea should be good. Anyway, what's the status of the castle? Any challengers? I could use the exercise." said Kirai, stretching his arms.

"There is one who managed to survive the gravity. He is not that impressive though. He has managed to set up camp and is now leading an army to invade us." said Zeno, while stirring a cup of tea. "Should we eliminate them now?"

"I'm surprised you could ask that after hearing me say I wanted some exercise. You seem to be going senile Zeno" said Kirai, giving Zeno a shallow smile. " So when is he invading?"

"He'll be at the gates within thirty minutes, assuming the wildlife doesn't do him in." said Zeno, handing over the tea to Kirai.

" Enough time for me to finish this... I guess I'll wait." said Kirai, walking to the window, thinking of the dream he had just had.

"A few trillion years ago...I was born. I saw a woman on the ground in pain. Then I saw a dark streak coming from her and entering me...I walked away from the woman...but not without some mental damage...I remember her words till this day. They shaped me. Even though now I know who she is... It's still traumatizing to see that at your birth." said the young man.

"I see her as my sister...while she was the only one I saw at my birth, I'm sure she didn't create me." said Kirai to the old man. "War causes these things sir." replied Zeno.

"I guess it does." said Kirai, looking out the window to see the horror that was his home. The trees had evolved using a substance different from chlorophyll, a substance that turned the leaves black and had no need for sunlight, instead feeding off the surrounding wildlife.

The sun was blocked out, and in its place an ominous purple orb shined it's evil light across the planet.

The lifeforms that had developed could only be described as demons, as they came in various shapes, but all were made to rip apart flesh. With a general coloration of purple or black, they all looked ominous.

The atmosphere had no oxygen, but a toxic substitute. The gravity made a feather weigh as much as a tank, making it near impossible for a safe entry.

This was the state of the planet, with only one building.

"I'm never going to try and make a world again..." muttered Kirai, as his tea was snatched by what looked like a demon crow, complete with teeth and horns.

*****************************************

"HELP ME!!!!" screamed a man being dragged away by a mix of a lion and a bull. Its lion head road ferociously as it impaled the meb with its horns. It used its bulky bull body to crush the men by the dozen.

" Shit! The birds are back!" shouted another as his skull was broken through the helmet by a mix of a hawk and a crow.

The soldiers could do nothing but run as they were attacked by creatures they could not see, and all the once proud soldiers could do was beg for help.

" Shut UP!" shouted a tall man with grey skin and crystals encasing his left shoulder, with a physique a bear couldn't beat and a beard also made of crystal. " These aren't even the real threat! How can you call yourselves men and lose to simple minded beasts!"

"Quartz, we have arrived at the castle" said a woman, who seemed to pay no mind to the chaos unfolding around them.

She sported a wild hairstyle, made all the more suprising by the fact that it was crystal. With a rough tone and a physique boasting of strength, she was to be feared if faced by any foolish enough to fight her.

"The true test shall begin. This is where you shall earn the glory you deserve. This is where you shall acquire the title, God of Darkness"

"Indeed Malakite. Finally, I shall show the universe the true strength of the crystal demon race." said the man. " God of Darkness! Heed my call! I am Quartz! One of the legendary Crystal demon race! One of it's gods! I have come to challenge you for your title! Do yo-"

Before he could finish, the gates were opened by black knights, who then made a path to the castle. Quartz, Malakite and one other woman crossed, then the black knights dropped their swords to block entry. " No more challengers." said the black knights in unison, while guiding the three they had acknowledged.

"I wonder why they let Opal join us...we didn't tell them she was with us." said Malakite, referring to the reserved blond haired beauty beside Quartz. A woman of few words, Opal walked with grace and moved with etiquette. With her lavender skin and a leg-shaped cystal, which was her actual left leg, she was a sight to behold. "It's best not to question these things...it only makes this take longer than it needs to" replied Quartz.

As they entered the castle, they readied themselves to face the fight of their lives, the fight they had spent the last few millennia training for.

"Welcome." said a young man on a throne. He had hair as dark as the the night sky and his eyes followed the same pattern.

His pupils were red dots, the only defining colour on his pale face.

He wore armor as red as blood and wore a smile that showed nothing but pleasure.

His teeth were ridiculously sharp, as if they had no other function but to inflict pain.

He lacked the horns they expected, but his throne of bones made up for it.

"My name is Kirai. I must thank you for taking time out of your busy lives to visit me, whatever the reason may be."

"We've come to kill you" said Quartz in a calm manner. "Rumour has it that you let your opponents have one free hit. May we?"

"Gladly." replied Kirai. "Take as much time as you need. I don't have any plans right now"

"Begin the incantation, Malakite" said Quartz. Malakite gestured to Opal and they began casting spells. "Strength of Hercules, Perseus and Athena ascended, and speed of Hermes, Fenrir and Thor accepted, inhabit this vessel and give him power, so that over his foes, he will tower!" shouted Opal, blasting Quartz with a beam of pure white energy.

"Achilles you shall be with weakness removed, and Hades unto you with darkness improved, with Odin and Ra, and Zeus and Buddha, your strength shall take flight, as you begin your fight!" shouted Malakite as she blasted Quartz with a beam of golden energy.

"Grudge of Izanami! Strength of Susanoo! Anger of Hela!, Crafting of Jupiter!, Blessing of Demeter!, Pride of the Devil!" shouted Quartz, who was applying several enchantments to himself.

"Now!" the three shouted as Quartz ran towards Kirai at a speed light could not reach and punched him through his throne of bones slamming him into the wall. " He's dead for sure. Pride of the Devil would stop his regenerative abilities." said Quartz, who was now three times his size and had a hundred thousand times his normal strength.

"Disappointing. You couldn't even dent the wall, not to even begin to talk about me?" said Kirai as he slapped away Quartz, breaking through the wall and landing in the castle frontyard. "The bare minimum needed to dent these walls is a galaxy level explosion. But do not worry... I simply killed him. I kept his body in a way that it can still be burned too! Am I not merciful?"

Malakite and Opal looked on in fear at the being who had just killed the strongest of their race without a sweat. "Spare us! We cannot fight like Quartz, we would be unable to provide an adequate challenge for one such as yourself!" said Malakite, with Opal in agreement. "....Damn. For wasting my time I ought to punish you. But as I am immortal I'm actually grateful for these few minutes we have spent together." replied Kirai.

"You shall become my servants and help Zeno. If you have any objections, remember the other option."

"We....accept." said Malakite, with Opal once again nodding in agreement. "But first let us bury our friend."

**********************************************

"Yo Malakite! Is this week's chapter of Black Clover out yet? I'm bored, you know?" said a young man in a jacket and jeans, playing games in a disorganized room. "Then go do something outside you brat." said Malakite. " And no, it ain't out yet.".

"Seriously! But it's supposed to be! It's a travesty! How dare they make me wait this long!" shouted the lad. "Move your ass you lazy NEET!" shouted Malakite as she kicked him out of the room. " Fine, I'll go destroy a planet or two." said the young man. "To think, a few billion years ago, HE captured US!" said Malakite. " Well he wasn't like this back then" said Opal, giggling.

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Legion20Lv6

Sorry for the late response, but many things happened. You wanted a brutal review, here is one. Writing quality: 1 star. Honestly, your english is really bad, and that cripples the novel overall. I already pointed out some of the mistakes in chap1, here some more examples: you can't use !. Either exclamation point or period, not both. In chap 2 you mix up the Verb tenses, sometimes you use the present ("malakite barges") but mainly use the past tense. In chap 3, in the very beginning, you use convoluted phrases "sitting on a bed in a room that wouldn't be out of place in a mansion" while "...Sitting on a bed. The room she occupied was (insert description here)"would be much better. Avoid using too much or too litlle punctuation, try reading out loud what you write to see if is easy to read. If you get out of breath or lose your train of thought something is wrong. Imo before going on re-read and edit the prev chapters. As it is, one needs to read the same phrase multiple times to get what's going on. Stability of updates: 5 stars, you were always on time until RL kicked in. Story development, char design, world building: 2 stars. Everything feels too rushed. You introduce too many characters at once, and every one of them is poorly depicted, both physically and psychologically. In both chapters 2 and 3 envy does not make any sense as a char. Most the events in the story happen so fast that one can't make head or tails of what or why is happening. Think about chap 3, in the flashback: envy works as a waitress. Me: wtf? why? why such powerful entity should work, especially dressed as a maid letting drunkards bother her? then you cut straight to the bar being destroyed. She was not there, why? Is not like destroying a place, kidnapping and torturing someone happens in the blink of an eye. Again, no explanation. Also you put together too much stuff, pop culture, manga, angels, sins, gods and goddesses. Overall your world makes little sense, it seems a shoddy mish mash of lots of cultures, if there is something original in it, or if you later managed somehow to harmonize the different elements together, I am unable to notice that, I'm sorry mate.

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