Shot in the Dark

I looked twice at the floor on the other side of the car.

Something had fluttered out of my sketchbook. I reached down and picked up a folded yellow paper with an application completed in determined black ink. I unfolded it, blanketing the white.

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Problem Pasture's Leadership Workshop

Spend a week developing problem solving skills and building leadership qualities. Students will work in groups to grow interpersonal skills and improve communication while working in a fun and stimulating environment. Don't miss this excellent opportunity to enhance your college application and have an unforgettable experience.

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I ripped the yellow advertisement off and crumpled it up, throwing it on the floor. You know who was going to the workshop? Calvin. It was promoted by a leadership club both of us were a part of. And here I had been procrastinating turning in an application because I didn't want him to think I was going because he was going. I had only just decided that was stupid logic and then—

I growled, my fingertips white where the smooth edges surrendered to my grip.

Why was I like this? Could I not just do something that I wanted to do without worrying what other people might think? Even now I was hiding away in my car as if I had been embarrassed when I very well had stood my ground, whether it was a joke or not…

And…

Well, what if it wasn't a joke?

And… Well, how bad would it be for me to apologize and admit that I was hasty… and rude. Wasn't I rude? Rude to someone who was so gentle when expressing feelings— whether they belonged to Calvin or not— and for me to be so callous.

And what if by 'friend', Calvin had meant 'Calvin'? What if I had turned him down just because I thought there was no possible way someone could ask me out and it not have been a joke? What if it was nothing but fear keeping me from making the most out of my life? What if? What if, what if, what if….?

It was the last day of school and if, especially if and most likely if I did not go to camp, I wouldn't see Calvin, anyway, for months.

Okay. So. So I would try to find Calvin and apologize and… and maybe see where his offer stood. And… and if that went well- okay, if it didn't go bad, then I would turn in my application.

Yeah, that was a plan.

Now all I had to do was actually do it.

I left my bags in the car and felt naked and vulnerable without the weight. I didn't have pockets, just a long, patched skirt that my mother kept begging me to throw away. I stuffed my keys in my boot and folded the white paper neatly in my hand. That's all I needed, right?

The crowd around the school was akin to that of a fair. The buses had only just started to leave and no one who drove themselves seemed to have even started to think of getting anywhere in the chaos.

What was I doing? My heart slowed heavily and I considered running back.

I scanned the hoard gently, trying to see and not be seen simultaneously. Lucky for me, it seemed that without all of my bags painting a big target on myself, I wasn't noticed so much.

Then I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I turned, bewildered to see two boys I barely knew. Sure, they had a few classes with me… but… wait. Oh, I had spoken to this one before. He had teased me a few times. And his best friend.

"Hey."

"Hey." I replied, still lightly scanning behind him. It was a marvel to be spoken to twice in a month, let alone in a week, let alone in an hour. He probably wasn't even talking to me. I moved to walk away.

"Look, I know we haven't talked very much but, look, I was wondering if you'd want to go out sometime."

"What?" There was cotton in my ears, a muffled disbelief.

I stopped scanning the crowd to the look the guys straight on.

"Would you like to go out… with me?"

"I'm sorry, I don't…" What was going on? Was I dreaming?

"I don't think…" my body was on autopilot.

"I think you're awesome. Just one date and then if you don't enjoy it, you never have to talk to me again."

"Ah…"

Wait.

What if…?

Of course! This was the friend! This was the friend Calvin had spoken of! So it wasn't Calvin. Oh, I had been so rude! And now he was asking me out in person! He must really like me to come ask me out in person. I felt awful. How could I say he didn't have integrity when he was probably just shy?

No wonder he had teased me all those times.

"Sure. Sure, yeah, that could be fun."

"Wait. Is that a yes?"

"Yes. Yeah. Yes, I'll go out with you."

His expression stretched into a grin, like he couldn't have asked for anything better. I couldn't believe anyone could actually… I couldn't believe I could evoke that in anyone with just a few words.

He turned excitedly to his friend.

"Alright, where's that five bucks you owe me?"

"It doesn't count if you had to convince her."

"Nope. That wasn't part of the deal. You just said you'd bet five bucks that she'd never say 'yes' if I asked her out."

"Fine." The second boy dug in his pocket taking the time to leisurely go through his wallet as if I was not there.

"I thought for sure she was too spaced out to go on a date with a dip shit like you. What had she said- like you were waiting for 'the one?' or some shit?" The last part was to me but his address was to less than a centerpiece.

The scene passed objectively, and even their wall break to me was less than a technicality. I was a conversation piece and it was only my fault for wanting to hear what they had to say.

"Remember that time I told her 'gullible' was written on the ceiling- and she looked! But then I did again and- how many times did I do that? And you looked every time." And by 'you' he meant 'she'. "She's such a ditz." The winner chuckled gleefully.

"Hey…" the wallet guy cautioned the exuberant one.

"Well, I won the bet, anyway. Thanks for that." He winked at me pleasantly as if the two of us had been in on it together.

"Look, just don't say yes to anyone else, okay?" the betting boy shoved his wallet into his pants absentmindedly. "You're going to make me go broke."

All of my thoughts evaded each other on my tongue, my body weighted by my concrete feet. And as they walked away I saw, in full view of the whole debacle, was Calvin.