7 Harmless

"So, do you want to go get something to eat?"

Steve and I sat in the car, in the parking lot, under a blue sky and bright sun that begged a good day; I felt guilty disappointing its expectations.

"No." I gazed out the window.

"Come on, I'll take you anywhere you want to go."

I didn't want to go anywhere.

"No, really, I'm not hungry." I stared at the pane of glass, wanting to roll it down but feeling that even that small gesture would seem too casual.

"Okay, that's fine. I'll let you think about it while we move on to part two!" He put the car in gear.

"Part two?"

'I would rather you take me home'- that was all I needed to say. Somehow, it was as if my mouth was filled with dried paste, cemented in a lock jaw.

"Part Two is a surprise."

The scenery began to morph into parts of town I had never seen before. It wasn't unusual for me to not recognize things- my family had only moved to town a little over five years ago and I went to school on the opposite side of town from where I actually lived. Now, however, I was starting to debate how terrible it would be for me to pull a drop and roll.

"You're so beautiful, you know that?"

"Thank you, Steven. I wish you wouldn't say that, though."

"Why? You are."

Wasn't it like a fairy tale, to have someone see past all of your flaws and find beauty where you couldn't? Something in the way he said it sounded sleazy, though. I didn't respond.

"So, have you ever been in love?" he prompted.

I eyed Steven, awkwardly.

"Why? Have you?"

"A few times, yeah; how many guys have you gone out with?"

"Just you."

"Wait. Really?" Steven looked as if he was going to stop the car; I gestured for him to keep his eyes on the road.

"Yeah. Is that so weird?"

"Well… yeah."

"Why? How many people have you gone out with?"

"Like love, or like relationships, or like dates? Or, like, girls I liked?" he was far outstretching the question but the conversation was helping keep me from thinking he was hauling me off to kill me… or worse.

"All of the above."

"I've been in love five or six times, I've been in… whew, a lot of relationships and, well, I've liked hundreds of girls."

He had a worse attention span than a toddler. Anything he felt for me had already been felt for many, many others; even if this date was going well, that was a red flag. I was a toy. I felt a little better about having no feelings for him.

"How many guys have you liked?" I felt like I was being interrogated. I didn't really want to admit that I didn't like him, but it was reasonable since he had just asked me out the day before.

"Two."

Once again, Steven looked like he was going to slam on the brakes, gaping at me as if I had told him something outrageous.

"Two?"

"Yup." I went back to looking out of the window. Why was it coming back up? Two… one… I didn't want to think about one.

"Wow, you're so inexperienced." He muttered the words as if he had stumbled upon a great treasure. "Do you know how rare that is? I bet you've never even"-

He stopped short and it took me a second to follow.

"Ew! No! No, I haven't. I just told you this was my first date!"

"You don't have to date someone to"-

"No, no."

I didn't like the way his voice sounded like he was licking his lips. I was not going to tell him he'd stolen my first kiss.

"You're like a unicorn." I wasn't sure whether or not it was a compliment.

I touched my lips. There was nothing different about them, but they didn't feel like mine. It was hard to explain, but kissing had always seemed like a big deal to me… like it was sacred. More so when I was younger, kissing was supposed to be intimate, near scandalous.

'I heard you kissed a girl behind the bleachers.'

No. No. I pressed my fingers into my eyes. The memories couldn't come back. It had been too long and I had just dispelled them, only just freed myself, and maybe I was too fragile, too likely to relapse.

Steven pulled into a spot by a big, grassy hill and a large pond. It looked like a park.

"Let's just stay in the car for a while, huh?" His breath caressed me with an oddly odorous mint.

Then, he started to get comfortable. He laid his head in my lap and directed my hands to his hair. It was sticky, oily and gelled all wrong, stiff and crackly. He reached an arm up and hooked a hand around my neck, pulling my face down to his. I hated to be trapped in here… with so much out there.

I could try, try again to let today not be a waste, to not let my first date, my first kiss, be this memory. It was all clammy and foreign and it made me wonder why humans decided they should put their lips on each other's. It wasn't right.

It might seem dramatic, but something in me broke, like, maybe I was seeing the world the right way up for the first time, but why would anyone crave this?

"I'm sorry, I just… I don't like having in you in my lap. This feels really wrong and awkward."

"Okay." Steven agreed, sitting up. Had I known he'd be so obliging, I would have said something sooner. He didn't even seem hurt.

I realized, minutes later, why that was. My instincts hadn't been wrong. His head was back in my lap, smiling up like I should have been appreciative of. Like I was lucky. He manhandled my body again, craning me into him, holding me captive until I felt nothing, not even anger.

I couldn't think of Ethan. Not now.

I reprimanded him again, more sternly, and again he obliged for a moment before doing what he wanted, anyway. His fingers were an odd, clammy sweat that made me feel dirty, even when he was just touching my arm… let alone anything else. I planned my escape over and over but was damned by politics. With the weight of him in my lap, the only way to be rid of him aside from what I had already tried, would be violent.

Finally, of his own volition, he took me home…

…And came in with me.

I was fully expecting, when Steven came to pick me up, for my dad to be sitting in his office, cleaning his gun like any good southern father should. He didn't. And with Steve in. My. Home. I thought there might be some interference from my family but they had all decided to give me and my date some privacy.

Dad said he was 'harmless.'

He passed into the next room and everyone else was giving us 'privacy'.

He invited himself in, laid down on our couch, and asked me what movie I wanted to watch. I looked around as if someone might appear and tell him how inappropriate his behavior was, but it was only me.

"You know, I'm not really in the mood for a movie." I scratched my head apologetically and unnecessarily added, "I'm kind of tired."

And for the first time, all day, he took the hint.

I walked Steven all the way out to his car. He looked at me with a look that surrendered the expected kiss goodbye, like I had kicked a puppy. As I watched him go, I felt guilty.