23 Chapter 23

I had a good time at lunch with Gabe and Alex. It was great, because it had been quite a long time since I hung out with anyone. Not only that, but hanging out with them didn't make me feel unsafe or anxious. Once we left the sandwich place, they headed off to wherever they lived, and I made the trek back to my dorm. Alex was very kind about making sure I knew that I could call him if I needed too, and Gabe seemed to fully support that, even though he didn't know the situation.

But I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that my good mood wouldn't last. Nothing seemed to last, anyway.

I rounded the corner to walk away from the main area of campus and toward the dorm buildings. As I did, I came face-to-face with an eerily familiar face. I wanted to forget his name and his face, but those things would be forever burned into my skull. Zack .

He made eye contact with me briefly before letting his eyes trail over me. Recognition flashed in his eyes and the fact that he seemed to know who I was made me feel sick, especially because he didn't appear to feel guilty in the slightest. I felt violated all over again; just by the way he looked at me. I held my breath and quickened my pace. Luckily he didn't say anything to me - I didn't know what I would have done if he had.

Getting back to my room was a blur; all I knew is that as soon as I was back in my room that wave of panic had washed over me and I was struggling to calm down. I felt like I was choking on the very air I was trying to take in. I tried concentrating on taking deep breaths, but it was so difficult. Instead of full breaths, they came out as broken sobs, and my brain was so clouded that I didn't even realize Justin was in the room. Nothing felt real.

"Whoa, Kells, shit, what's wrong?" he asked, getting up from his bed.

"He's - oh my god, he's here," I gasped, sliding downwards against the door and clutching my knees to my chest.

"Who is? What's wrong?" Justin asked, coming over and sitting next to me. I didn't even care in that minute that I still hated him. If anything, his voice helped keep me grounded in reality. I needed something to remind me that I was still there, and that I wasn't being sucked into the void of my mind.

"Shh . . . I - fuck ," I gasped, tangling my hands through my hair. I tried to breathe in another deep breath but it was just so useless. "Oh my god."

"Kellin, breathe, you're okay," he assured me. He tried to put his hand on my shoulder, but my initial reflex was to pull away. "Take deep breaths okay? You're scaring me."

"I'm trying!" I insisted, as tears continued to flow. It took several minutes to finally calm down from the panic attack, but when I did, Justin was still sitting next to me, waiting to find out if I was okay. I took another, shaky, deep breath, before leaning back against the door. I felt a little dazed coming out of that whirlwind of panic.

"Dude, what happened?" Justin asked, quietly, concern lacing his tone. "You just busted in here and started panicking."

"I saw . . . I saw the guy from the party," I said, barely above a whisper. I stared straight ahead, not making eye contact with Justin.

"Which guy?" he wanted to know.

"The one who . . . who-" I started trembling again, not able to vocalize it.

"Right," he said, thankfully making it so I didn't have to say it out loud. Justin seemed so helpful in that moment, but I was still wary. "Who was it? You never told me."

"Doesn't matter, you wouldn't care anyway," I insisted, sadly. I mean, that was how I felt anyway. I knew that Justin would always choose his frat friends over me, and that was a fact. As much as I wanted Justin to be my best friend again, I didn't want him back unless he was going to be the same, sweet guy that he used to be. Not this bully that I hardly knew.

"Of course I would . . . Kellin I know I've been an asshole, but I swear to God, there is a line ," he said, firmly. "I know the Alpha Sigma Sigma guys aren't the best either, but I've just been so shocked . . . None of them seemed like the type to . . . you know."

"Well, they suck," I said, biting my bottom lip. It was weak, but it was the best that I could muster up in that moment.

"Tell me who it is and I'll go to the president and see about getting them kicked out," he insisted. I frowned and stared at him for a moment. It suddenly occurred to me that he had no idea Alex and Jack were behind the whole thing. He still trusted them.

"Yeah, good luck with that, they were the ones who let it happen," I scoffed, rolling my eyes. I watched as his face contorted with confusion. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"What?" was all he could manage to say in response.

"Oh my god, okay, so if you're just going to go off on me, just forget I said anything at all, I'm not in the mood for arguing, I'm really not," I said, in a tired voice. I really was so exhausted from freaking out like that.

"No, I . . . I believe you, Kellin, I just . . . I can't believe they'd do that, those guys are my friends," he said, still in disbelief. I rolled my eyes and wondered if he could hear the hypocrisy in his own words.

"Yeah, so was I," I said, firmly, glaring at him.

"I'm so sorry Kellin . . . Oh my god, this is all my fault," he said, sounding distressed. He leaned back against the wall and let out a long breath. I watched him, not sure of what to say to him. I still didn't trust him, and I wasn't ready to call him my friend again - not by a long shot.

"I just can't believe you'd invite us to something where you knew we'd get hurt," I said, venomously. I mean, that was the main grudge I was still holding over Justin. That was the main problem here. If we hadn't gone to the party, none of this would have happened. I would still be happy, and Vic would still be in school.

"I didn't think you'd get hurt . . . yes, I'll admit, they wanted us to bring 'joke' friends, and I'm so sorry I brought you, but they . . . I didn't know they were going to actually do anything, I promise," he insisted, shaking his head. He really did look like he felt bad, but my walls were still up. "Please believe me."

"It's so hard to," I told him, my throat swelling all over again. The thing was, deep down I missed being friends with Justin. But the thing was, I missed being friends with the person Justin used to be, not this mean frat boy. This wasn't the real Justin. The Justin I used to know would never put the approval of other people above the safety of his best friend.

"Well, I guess that's understandable, but please . . . p lease let me know if you need anything at all, okay? If there's any way at all to make this up to you let me know," he insisted. "Kells, I really want to fix this."

"I doubt you can, but I appreciate the gesture," I said, quietly. I stared at the area of carpet near my feet, not sure what else to say.

"Are you going to tell me who the guy was?" he asked again. I took a deep breath before finally deciding to tell him.

"This guy named Zack - he had like, brown hair and-"

"I know exactly which guy you're talking about," he said, darkly. I didn't know what his tone meant, but I decided not to question it. I didn't really want to talk about Zack, I just wanted his wicked face out of my head.

"Please don't tell anyone, okay? I just . . . I really want to stop having to deal with this, okay? I don't want to talk about it anymore," I insisted. I stood up ready to lie in my bed, and oddly enough, as I did my phone started to ring. I moved to sit on my bed while I answered it.

"Hello, boyfriend," I said, smiling after I had seen that the caller ID said that it was Vic.

"Yeah, whatever, you know I get that you're having a hard time without me there, but that doesn't mean you should just go out and replace me," he snapped, sounding angry. It caught me way off guard.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, a pit growing in my stomach. This was so not what I was expecting to hear from him. What was he talking about?

"Don't fucking play stupid, Mike saw you with someone. He sent mom a picture so I know he wasn't just making it up. Mom said you looked awfully chummy," he continued. He sounded so disappointed and my heart was breaking by the second because I honestly didn't know what he was talking about. "You're

dating another fucking guy behind my back. Real fucking shitty Kellin, after everything we've been through."

"No I'm not!" I insisted, worry spreading throughout my entire being. Oh my god, this isn't happening . "Vic, why would I do that? I love you."

"Sure you do. I don't mess around with cheaters. Whatever, Kellin, we're done," he spat. And then he hung up the phone.

I stared down at my phone for a moment before dropping it to the ground like it was toxic. "Oh my god."