12 A SCANDAL IN BOHEMIA 1) Akin to Love

"All emotions, and that one particularly, were abhorrent to his cold, precise but admirably balanced mind." [A Scandal in Bohemia]

I lay on the floor long enough for the cold of the boards to leach into my bones; penance I suppose but insufficient at that. Finally, I staggered to my feet and wandered into my bedroom.

I tried to maintain some distance whilst enumerating my problems. They were three, but I felt that -- as was so often the case -- they were linked. I had badly mishandled the case, I had been very unobservant regarding Watson, and I had compounded the problem by acting abominably. It was inexplicable and I could not imagine what was interfering with my reason. Some insidious emotion, no doubt, but its nature was still obscure to me.

I looked at the mantelpiece, littered with pipes, syringes and loose cartridges. There, I supposed, were three possible solutions. Not a difficult choice given that, taken in the right order, they were not mutually exclusive. I plucked out my favorite clay pipe and went in search of tobacco.

I sat in the corner of the sofa, with my knees pulled up to my chest, and brooded. Gradually the smoke set about it ironic process, of clearing my perceptions. I attacked my problems systematically, so as to better elucidate their patterns and interactions. Chronological order seemed most pertinent in this case.

Had I really not known about Watson's homosexuality? I had certainly been aware of the evidence. Even in the last week, there was the ease with which he remembered the list of clubs I would be visiting because they were already familiar to him, no doubt. There was his freedom in forming opinions about my attire. Most telling, there was the lack of usual middle-class disgust about¼ I lost my train of thought.

I had known, really, for a long time, but I had done my best to forget it. It was amazing what can be forced from awareness if you have the fine control of your mind that I am usually capable of. After all, Watson's predilections were irrelevant to me. Even if I was not the rather asexual being I found myself to be, I did not seem to be the object of his attentions. A young man does not go out on the town if he finds the company appealing at home. An older man does not marry if his affections are engaged elsewhere. It has seemed quite safe, and decorous, to ignore the whole issue.

I tapped my pipe out on the table, further ruining its finish. It was not that I really wanted Watson's attentions in that way, I assured myself, but I had resented their absence. An irrational response, but that was the way with strong emotion, it warped and rotted whatever it touched.

There was the crux of the matter. Recent events suggested I had been wrong. Watson was not entirely indifferent to whatever charms the softer emotions could make him see in me. That was my essential error, and undoing. A subjective, secretive and emotional matter -- thin ice that even the best observer might not mark. It still did not entirely explain the steps I took to send myself plunging through into these dangerous waters.

I need to recapture my equilibrium. To banish the emotion that was anathema to my methods. I could not even entertain the notion of the truly romantic attachment to Watson, but neither could I afford to lose him. From this perspective, it became clear how shabbily I had treated my old comrade.

On my return, he had discarded his home and occupation like an old coat, without a hint of reproach. Oh, the care I had taken to achieve that end, but I had still depended upon his co-operation. Watson who assisted my cases at his own very real peril, who made up my household and my only real connection to greater humanity. In return, he received nothing except scorn and ridicule. It really only made sense if Watson felt a stronger attachment to me than I could return. That was what allowed me to take such liberties, such unfair advantage of an old friend.

Well if it were merely a matter of the physical I would say the continuance of Watson's comradeship was cheap at the price, but no. He was not a man of that mercenary ilk. What he sought instead was that urbane combination of passionate interlude and prolonged civility that distinguished the best of British households. I was not sure which of these I was less capable of but needless to say neither entered the Elysian realms of possibility.

My Watson, my spirit-level in both senses of the word. The straight horizon and dauntless star that enabled me to seek out the furthest and most tumultuous seas without ever losing sight of home, and upon return he gave me calm; unquestioning regard, unquestionable reliability. I never knew that he would have asked more of me, 'Oh physician heal thyself' I say. Not to he who owns that profession but to myself. I have seen, but I have, most surely, not observed.

To my credit, such as any credit in this incident might be laid at my door, I considered it. I could feel distaste taut upon my face. What succored most men's souls was poison to mine, and reluctantly I concluded the problem insoluble. Not indecipherable - the nature of the knot was clear to me, its ends so deeply hidden that the cleverest fingers would never, in the normal course of events, have won them free. They all lay clear in the severed stands left by my own unkindest cut. Both strands were injured and the knot they formed irreparably broken - all its convolutions laid bare.

With disgust I laid my pipe aside, this was no longer a problem of its provenance. I stood and walked away from my muse and her omniscient veil, into my clearer, colder bedroom. I picked up the syringe case and tincture and carried it back to the living room. I stood at the old bow window, once my favorite place. There I took up my guardian demon, that her soporific shroud might cover over what I had so recently uncovered and wished no more to see.

The blunted syringe bit deep and dispensed it venomous deliverance and I surrendered myself to the sofa, knowing I would not feel any discomfort from its unpadded expanse - nor, for a while, any other kind of pain. I fell to sleep with a bitter smile that blended current comfort with the knowledge of the world I would need to wake to again.