Chapter 1

I looked up , averting my gaze from my shackled hands towards the familiar road ahead. From here, everything looks normal. Except for the unsettling silence and the smell of burning corpses not too far away. A sock in the dirt road caught my attention. Its dirty yellow colour sticking out from the dull and dirty brown of my hoodie. On it's right, a leaf is visible. Green and shiny in the sun. Glistening from the sun rays. I want to move closer and feel it, feel the blade and see it whole. I also want the dirty sock calling out to me. To crouch down, pick it up and marvel at the dirty yellow. Such a pretty colour, the sock must have been pretty once. mirroring the sun once. I blinked the logging away. My eyes stung from my sweat, I wanted nothing but to wipe the sweat away on my forehead. But doing that meant pulling on my shackles and that's a disturbance I didn't want to cause. The unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach became worse and the stench of death in the air getting stronger alerting me that we were almost there. I can't see it yet but I can feel it. Deep down I knew this day was coming, but I never believed. Even when they shackled us and made us walk 4 hours in the scorching sun, I still didn't believe it. But now, seeing it up close, the gates of hell opened to us. Silently inviting us in. Daring us. Around me shackles were being unlocked and dropped. From this point, its everyman for themselves. I looked up at the rusting big gates of my Nuuyoma Secondary School, or what's left of it. The guards ushered us in, nobody protested. If they were scared, nobody showed it. I want to turn and make a run for it but I don't. Running is too much trouble, I learned that the hard way. I am known as a runner. The guards are always on alert in my presence. Stepping into what used to be my home town's only high school, I noticed the change in colour and texture of the sand. Here, compared to the fine white sand of home, its brown and clay. The air is even more foul and heavy. It's a definite shift. We were taken in one by one to be assessed and shown to our sleeping quarters. I've heard of the process of the assessment and I was not looking forward to it. The guard looked at me like I was dirt – well, I am dirty but I am still human. I deserve to be treated like one, not some caged up animal – not that it's okay to cage up animals. It is not. He ripped my shirt open causing the buttons to fly in every which way. That shit caught me off guard. Covering up my breast with my hands and facing away from him. I don't know how I look like. I haven't seen my reflection in a long time. I miss mirrors. It's not enough just looking at myself with no reflection. My once chubby legs look thin. Feel thin. I remember before all of this, I couldn't wound both my hands around my thigh. I hated them, I wanted them to look like those of the girls in magazines. Long, straight and thin. How things change, had I known it was going to be like this; I wouldn't have wasted my time whining over how big I was. Look at me now, all bones and skin but no fresh. People would kill to look this sickly. The guard made a disgusted sound, I looked at him and smiled. Showing him my perfect line of brown rotting teeth. I averted my gaze to the wall behind him as he grabbed my breasts. Examining them while I stood there numb and watched the wall. The more I concentrated on it, the dirtier it becomes; reflecting my emotions in the moment. His hands started going lower, pressing and prodding everywhere. Making sure I am not disease filled. All the uncomfortable prodding and poking made me nauseous. My head swamped with images of a happy family, smiling and laughing seated around –what looks like a dinner table-lined with food and drinks. They looked happy. Felt happy. "Am I the women in the memory?". A question I always ask myself. The man grabbed my vagina , I was quick to react with a punch but he was faster, he caught my hand as I tried to punch him. He threw me across the room, I landed awkwardly on my back with a sickening crack and hit my head on the wall. The wet floor did nothing to hide the blood I coughed up and spat out onto the wet floor. No doubt I broke a rib or two or more. What a fucking inconvenience. The last thought I had before I passed out.

I awoke to a very aurora bright room. I had to squint and shield my eyes from the harsh light. A stinging intense sensation vibrated in my mind. It hurt and it was loud, it was not physical yet it feels like my head is literally splitting in half.with my hands on my head, clutching it to make the pain go away or at least lesson it, I let out a loud cracking scream. So loud it bounced off of the wall and knocked me off the bed. I landed with a thud letting out a little oomph. Disoriented, I held onto the bed and pulled myself up just as the guards and the doctor rushed it. Without uttering a word, the doctor helped me back onto the bed while the guards inspect the wall.