HOW IT BEGAN (1)

The heart is a fickle thing. It sometimes makes you feel emotions that you never even asked for.

It's doing whatever it feels like. It doesn't care whether you want to or not. It ignites feelings that make your determination waver. But what can you do? It invites feelings that may cause you great pain but does it care? No!

The saying that, ' the heart wants, what it wants.' Whether what it wants will be good or poisonous to it, nobody knows so sit back and join me as I tell you my love story, and how that saying slowly manifested in my life.

I'm Feng Huang and this is how my quest for Love began.

It all started back in high school. It was the first semester of our second year. We were moving to a different class and I happened to sit right in front of him. Kael.

We hadn't spoken to each other before, even though we used to be in the same class back when we were first years. I didn't know how the conversation started but it began with a common interest. We found out that we had similar likes and tastes. The conversation hit off with us talking about movies and music. We, later on, found out that we both liked foreign things and we both loved Anime. By then I didn't even know what it was called. All I knew was that it was a Japanese cartoon. Funny right?

Having, taken time to know him, feelings of admiration started to build up in my heart for him? Before I realised it, I started paying attention to certain aspects and details about him. His intelligence, tenderness, personality, how cute he looked and his eyes were things I found myself looking at whenever we'd talk. Unconsciously I started to seek him out.

Weeks and months passed by and the admiration had developed into adoration. I began to adore him to the point that I gave him the nickname ' Sempai' even though I was older than him.

I began to seek his attention. I always wanted him to caress and pamper me. I started to pretend to be weak just to get him to look my way. I know it was a stupid move but that was all I could think of.

It got to a point where I could identify him just by smell alone, yeah that's how deep my feelings were going. It's weird right, I know but that's how conscious I became of him, without even realizing it myself.

I will sometimes play dumb just to have an excuse to be close to him. At that time, I didn't even realize I was trying to get his attention and it was the first sign of love that I blindly overlooked. All was going well, but then it happened.

His attention slowly started to drift away from me. He was constantly looking at her, my friend, Marie. At that moment I didn't know what happened but I felt this strong ache in my heart and the only word that kept on repeating in my head was ' I saw him first.' At that moment I wanted to hug him so tight and tell him that I liked him. I didn't understand why I thought that. The innocent me back then didn't even realize that it was the beginning of a crush. Before I realized it, it was too late and it had already somehow managed to grow into love. Interesting isn't it?

When I had finally opened up and told Marie how I felt about Kael and my intentions of confessing to him. But all of a sudden I felt this overwhelming feeling of self-doubts. I began to feel insecure about my body and I even began to body shame myself. Words like ' he wouldn't want someone like you, you aren't good enough for him, and he will reject you 'were running through my head and I lost all the courage that I had built up to confess my love for him.

After that incident, I was crippled with self-doubt, looting, and insecurities. I even convinced myself that I was okay with just being his friend and I started to hint to Marie that Kael had an interest in her. She didn't take me seriously and finally, the day that I dredged came to pass.

It was during one of our breaks or vacations. We were randomly chatting with each other and he said that I like someone, should I confess'. Then and there I knew who he was referring to but I still asked anyway. I asked if I knew her and he said yes, that it was Marie.

At that instance, I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I was ready to confess but suddenly my insecurities rose to a dangerous level and I swallowed back my feelings and told him that, ' if it were me, I wouldn't.'

Even though I was trying to warn him, I also did it for my selfish desires. I knew she was already dating and I had hoped she will turn him down but Marie had other plans.

When he told me that he confessed and even asked her to be his girlfriend and that she accepted, I was speechless. The questions running through my head at that very moment were ' how could she', ' why would you do that, ' why didn't he listen',. He also said that she wanted him to do it face-to-face again when they met.

To say l was heartbroken, would be an understatement, I was shattered but what could I possibly do? I just congratulated him and later cried out my misery. When I finally asked Marie why she accepted, she said, ' I don't know why but he's intelligent and handsome.' Can you imagine? That was all she could see, whereas I saw him as more than just being handsome and intelligent.

From then on, I became the third wheel between them, and at times when I wanted to leave their presence, he would tell me to stay. Since I had a weak spot for him and wasn't able to refuse him, I will always respond to his every request.

I had to sit and watch him being all lovey-dovey with her, right in front of my sight. The immense ache that sips through my heart every time I sit and watch them show affection to each other was too much to bear but I'd still smile even though it never reached my eyes but did they notice? No. They never did. They were too busy being a couple. How cruel of them to make me sit through this, but what can I do? I loved him so much that, his every word meant so much to me. I wasn't able to tell a lie or hide anything from him. I was weak-willed whenever it concerns him. Slowly I started to fall more and more for him. But I decided to move on and let these feelings die out.

A tall dark guy in our class started showing interest in me and I decided to get close to him. Fortunately, I started to feel something for him and it was the best distraction.

I thought I had finally found someone who loves me but I was wrong. Being with Bart made my life miserable. He scrapped at my wounds, my insecurities, he made me hate myself, and despise my very existence more than I already did. It got to a point, he will ignore me and always get mad at me. My relationship with Bart was slightly shaky but I didn't know because I was new to relationships. He will only get close to me whenever he was sexually frustrated. It started to gross me out and whenever I'd refuse he will get angry and start saying hurtful words and body shaming me.

Kael wasn't making things any easier either. Whenever he had a fallout with Marie, he will seek me out. But what could I do? I knew she had started to lose interest in him but what can I do? All I could do was comfort him the best that I could.

I didn't want to be the cause of the breakup between them. They were both my friends and I had to remain neutral even though sometimes I wanted to tell him everything but I couldn't.

Seeing how much he loved her made me so jealously Angry. I was angry because she was getting the love and tenderness that I wanted, which made me envy her so much, that was the first time that I had envied someone so seriously and earnestly.

While I was getting ignored and having to bear witness to Bart's shameless acts, she was being given love, love that she never valued or appreciated.

Because of how gentle he would treat me, I started wanting to break free from my relationship with Bart but I persisted. Bart's actions were confusing. He was harsh and cold whenever we were in school but he was sweet and caring whenever we came home for vacations.

Even though it wasn't going well between us, I had already sunken too deep. Both males' actions were stirring up my heart.

My feelings for both males were still strong and persistent.

I loved Bart but I also wanted Kael. What kind of quandary was this. Thorn between the two of them. I was so confused. Kael made me learn to love myself once again, to appreciate who I was. I was at peace whenever I was with Kael but I was dejected and broken when I'm with Bart regardless, the feelings I had for him were still growing strong...

It hurts...

A lot...

What should I do?

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HELLO LOVELY READERS, THIS IS ANOTHER STORY, WHICH WILL PROBABLY BE A SHORT STORY, SO PLEASE SUPPORT IT. IT IS AUTHOR SAN'S LOVE STORY HOPE YOU LIKE IT.