6 A gift and a curse

It's been few months since my mother pass away. That night when she died I had that same dream in the living room. This time around, I didn't wake up after the scream. In my dreams, I just sat by her coffin, crying while my dad console me. I was woken by Aunt Sophia's (my mom second sister) vigorous shake. I woke up to her swollen face which was caused by tears. According to her, she has been trying to wake me up for over five minutes to no avail. She said she could hear me whispering like I was begging someone not to go. She couldn't even complete her narration before busting into tears again. I looked at her with a confused expression. It took what seems like eternity before I could calm her down. While still in the middle of that, my father, grandparents, Aunt Rita and uncle Jeffrey all came in with my grandma crying. I was still confused because I couldn't get why Aunt Sophia was crying in the first place now I have five more despondent faces. Then it hit me... This are the faces I saw in my dreams and it's happening like I saw it... Same clothes, same scenery just the exception of the coffin. Then my mind went back to what my mother was on when she left for the store. It was the same clothe she wore in the coffin in my dreams.

"What happened to mom?" I asked. I wish the reply I heard was not true but its been three months now.

Life without her was difficult to adapt to because she was the only friend I had. It's not that I'm a sadist. I do have talk mates in school and some at my mom's studio (she's was an artist) but I don't have them close enough to call them friends. Even morning I wake up to her imaginary banging and voice at my door. I spent the first few days with tears in my room. While with my father, I try putting up my best 'I'm alright' show because I know he's in grieve too.

When my mother died, I was in my 10th grade and the spring break came in no time as the days all went by in a flash. The holiday gave me a bit of throe as I visit my mom's studio everyday which happens to be my only solace and also the cause of my agony... It was a solace because it gives me a sense of joy seeing her paintings and drawings. It remains me of the time we spent together also agony because it remains me of how useless I was. It was like I saw death coming her way and kept muse. Maybe if I had told her she won't have left that night. I finished the last piece she was working on before her death. It was a painting similar to Leonid Afremov Palette knive oil painting "love by the lake" but this time the lantern were no lit, the cloud could be seen with the tree. If you looked hard enough you can see flowers of pink and red growing within the trees. There were spots of yellow on the leaves making the trees look as though they were dying. The lake appeared to have a light shining either on top or the bottom of it, which allowed you to see the grass growing under it. Another different feature was the couple in the 'love by the lake' painting. In my mother's it was a family of three. I guess she was trying to describe she, my dad and I in that painting. I stood up to admire the piece once more. "I won't be displaying this in the gallery after all" I thought to myself. I changed my dress and headed home. That night after I had dinner with my father, I retreated to my room in order to get some sleep because I had already annihilated my energy during the day. I tossed around in my bed trying to get some sleep. My eyes moved to the parcel on my computer desk. I stood up from my bed and went for it. It was delivered to my house by the police few days after my mom's funeral. They said it was found In my mom's car that night. 'To Christiana' was written on it. I couldn't summon the courage to open it all these while. I just left it sitting on my desk for weeks. I dropped it on the desk and head back to bed but stopped half way. Went back for the parcel and tore it open. In it lays what I've been pestering my mother to help me get 'Heartybay Round Pointed Brush set'. I felt tears roll down my face as my leg gave way and I fell on my knee. 'So she went out to get this' I cried uncontrollably as I couldn't bring myself to the realization that I got her killed. When I couldn't cry anymore, I stood up with just one thing in mind 'I had to get rid of the cause of my mom's death' but had a change of heart as I sat back on my bed. I was contemplating if I should trash it or not. This was the last time my mother got me.

"This brush is just a gift and a curse" I voiced out.