17 THINGS CHANGE

“Uh, shall we?” I turn sharply to see Nathaniel waiting, looking between us, with the same distant expression I didn’t understand either.

“Yeah.”

I walk away without looking back at him and for the most part of the ride, I keep quiet, my head resting against the headrest, eyes closed.

“You know, Lily was probably just looking out for you.”

“By submitting my name for an election I didn’t even volunteer to contest? Yeah, looking out for me.” I reply with my eyes till closed.

“She wanted you to contest.”

“I hate to disappoint her.”

“A lot of us wanted you to.”

“Well then, I hate to disappoint the whole lot of you.”

I hear Nathaniel sighing beside me and I almost feel bad for him, trying to put me up to something I don’t want to do. He probably has the best intentions. And then, so does Lily.

“Which turn next?”

He pulls up before the apartment and I look over at him to find him already looking, with a sad smile.

His hand is still on the steering wheel and his hair is the same mess that always manages to look good. His eyes are a stunning blue and it’s now that I realise that I haven’t nearly paid attention to how good looking he is.

“Yeah, I know I look too good for the eye to control itself.” I chuckle lightly with a small smile.

“What makes you think that?”

“Apparently, you do. With your insatiable staring.” I blush embarrassingly and instantly look away, as I realise I have been caught in the act. Yeah, well not all of us are Zach.

“I wasn’t – staring.”

“It’s okay, Alanna . Anytime.”

He flashes the dimpled smile and I almost feel happy, except the thought that I’ll have to face Lily shortly.

“Thank you for the lift.”

“Anytime that too.” I pass on a last smile to him, before sliding off.

I hear his door open and turn to look at him walk up to me, slow and easy. His red and blue checkered shirt fits him perfectly while his sleeves ended at his elbows, highlighting his green veins.

He reaches up to me and takes my hand into his gently while looking down.

His touch is warm and comforting, just like himself. His move takes me by surprise, however. I blush immediately and just on cue, he raises his face where I spot those blue eyes I had recently gotten to adore, and licks his lips.

“I don’t know what happened in your life and I won’t push you to share it tonight. But Adalanna -“

He inches closer holding my face with his other hand with a feather touch and his eyes hold so much sincerity that I get scared. His thumb weaves gentle circles and caresses over my knuckles.

“-just try to be alright. That’s all.”

I look on, astounded.

He didn’t want to know. He just wanted me to be okay.

We stand in the same position, long enough and I almost start to feel that I’ve not had a shitty day. He removes his touch, slowly and painfully and I weirdly find myself missing it.

And with a final look he gets into his car while I fight back a tear, releasing a breath I didn’t know I had been holding.

I catch Nathaniel, making off and in the moment, silently feel.

What exactly, I don’t know.

I don’t remember the last time I felt this comfort. Safety. Or concern. Everything Zach would never be able to give me.

I watch on for a minute before unlocking the front door and making my way in, to find a silent Lily sitting at the dining table, with a cup in her hands. I casually walk up to her, removing my bag in the process.

“I hope you enjoyed the ride back.” I am surprised at her taunt while she takes a sip from her cup, not even bothering to look up.

I pour myself a glass of water, just to have something for my hands to do.

“You left. Without me. And you didn’t even care to inform? How could you do that Lily?”

She stands up and starts walking back to her room. I keep the glass on the table immediately with a thud.

“Really Lil? After everything, how could you be taunting and ignoring me like that?”

“You know what Dello , you seem to be having a lot of questions. How about I flip out my list of ‘how could yous’? I roll my eyes, with an irritated sigh.

“You submitted my name, without my consent or knowledge, what did you expect?”

“And yet, that gave you no right to shout at me like that, especially in front of Sofia Richman, of all people!” I close my eyes regretfully for a moment, before opening then back again.

That was wrong, I agree. And I will definitely apologize for it, but not today. Because today I’m angry myself, and I don’t care how immature this is.

“You knew I was not going to participate.”

“And yet I thought that you finally would manage sense enough to change your mind. I don’t know why you’re doing this, why you’re acting this way.

I’ve known you for so long – this is you, this is your thing. Why are you not yourself?

You are everything the Chairperson of the Students’ Council makes for, and yet you’re backing away like a coward.

You tell me, you being you, can you tolerate Sofia Richman as your Chairperson for your entire college life? Can you be at the beck and call of another, that too her, of all people?

Leading, managing, organising, effortlessly and flawlessly, they had always been an envious talent of yours. You had literally inherited brimming confidence, natural leadership. The things you were so proud of. Ethan was so proud of.

You’d been the class spokesperson forever, literary club convener, student body president, student representative in the board committee.

So no, you don’t get to ask me what the fuck I expect, because I, sure as hell, know. And the real question is, what do you?”

I stand dumb, taking in the question, not knowing what to say.

“You know what? I’m so sick of you throwing everything away, just because you’re getting them served in your plate and handed over. I don’t care about my humiliation today, Dello .

I’m just disgusted at the lengths you would go to – to pretend that you don’t want the thing you want, just to fuel your narcissism and ego. I’m asham-“ She speaks out vehemently, causing me to, finally, go off the rails. She has no idea. No fucking idea what all has happened in my life.

“Really? Then I guess you don’t know your friend, at all. You’re right. I am narcissistic, maybe even egoistic. I don’t care who leads the school, I don’t care what you want.

I’m denying the offer because I’m getting some sick sadistic boost to my ego, that it was offered to me in the first place.

I’m pretending, I’m disgusting, but I’m sorry to inform you, that the talents you mentioned, the traits you thought defined me, don’t anymore.

I’m not your ideal hero, your perfect girl in her perfect little world, whom everybody loves and praises.

I’ve had quite a trying two years, and you weren’t there. Or worse, you don’t even have a clue about it. And I don’t know what you expected of me, but things changed. And just because you don’t know, it doesn’t give you the freedom to take my life decisions. I am not dead.”

A deafening silence overtakes and neither of us speak another word, after I complete my yelling. I hate this. I hate fighting with my best friend.

I had needed her terribly, but I never held that against her. And when she wasn’t there then, she has no right to pass judgements now.

“Things change. I’d hoped that you didn’t, Alanna .”

“Enough with the hoping, Lily. Hope is something that’s not on the menu anymore, for me. Why does everyone have to hope so much, expect so much?

I’m just so tired of having to live up to my own self, and for once, not be the best at something.

Just because I set the bar high, it gives everybody the right to push it higher, every time I do something, or even when I don’t, at all?

Just because I manage to do it well, I should do it the best? All the freaking time?”

Lily’s eyes go a bit softer and she closes her eyes for a moment, before speaking up again.

“For all I know, this could have helped you, Dello . This could have helped exactly this.” I feel myself losing it. I’m getting angrier by the moment. Angry at her, at my past, at myself.

“What’s in it for you? For all I know, you could just be merely wanting a chairperson who is best friends with you. Because why not? I can’t be the chairperson, so why not put Dello up on it and might as well be the acting chairperson!”

My eyes widen as I suddenly realise my words, once they fall on my own ears and instantly regret them.

“I didn’t mean i-“

Lily takes a step back, with a shocked face and I know I’ve messed up.

She just shakes her head at me and whispers so quietly, I could have almost missed it. But I didn’t.

“I hope whatever the issue is, you solve it.”

Author's note:

Nathaniel gave off real chills today.

Major dibs.

Changes, are inevitable.

Seems our Alanna had been through some of her own as well.

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